Title: AFTER THE MIRROR
Genre: MG Adventure
Wordcount: 38, 300
Query:
Dear Michelle and Amy,
Life is hard enough when you’re the daughter of ‘The Fairest of Them All’ but for Melody, who’s just been tricked into releasing the Wicked Queen, it’s about to get even harder.
After the Mirror is the story of Melody, the lonely and rebellious eleven-year-old daughter of Snow White and Prince Valiant. She's spent her whole life being compared to her 'perfect' mother. And not in a good way. When Melody discovers the magic mirror with Espella, the genii, still trapped inside she thinks that at last she’s found a friend. But Espella is in fact Narcissa, Snow White’s wicked stepmother, confined to the mirror as punishment and, once free, she starts to take revenge.
Facing many challenges, Melody and Snow White cross the Forbidden Forest together becoming closer as Melody begins to understand some of what her mother has been through because of Narcissa. With the help of the dwarfs they return to the castle to rescue Valiant and, after battling Narcissa and her supernatural creatures, Melody finally manages to defeat Narcissa and to give herself and Snow White a long-overdue happy ever after.
After the Mirror will appeal to children who like reading exciting adventure stories with fun, feisty and interesting heroines. And, as the novel continues a well-known fairy story, it has some familiar, favourite characters in it for instance the dwarfs who add a lighter, comic element to the story, and the wonderfully scary and very wicked stepmother, Narcissa.
First 250 words:
“Snow White sucks!”
As soon as the words left her mouth Melody wished she could take them back. Snatch them out of the air before they were heard, but it was too late, and all she could do was watch in horror as Snow White flinched, the hurt clearly visible in her deep, brown eyes.
“Mum, I…”
“How dare you say that to your mother!” The King was striding towards them, his voice ringing out in the sudden, embarrassed silence that had descended upon the crowded ballroom. He stopped in front of Melody, his usually gentle, blue eyes now icy cold as he stared, unsmiling, down at her. “Go to your room!”
“But, Dad…”
“NOW!”
Melody turned and fled, trying to hide the tears that sprang to her eyes. She didn’t care about the room full of party guests left standing, staring at her, their mouths open in shock at the scene they’d just witnessed, or even about the red-faced rage of her father. No, it was only her mother’s face she could see. Her mother, Snow White’s, stricken face looking even paler than usual against her long black hair - so sad, so hurt, and all because of her.
She ran up the grand staircase to the family’s private wing but passed by the door to her own bedroom, carrying on instead to the very end of the hallway where she ducked under the ornate tapestry hanging on the wall and climbed the narrow, spiral staircase hidden behind.
ReplyDeleteLife is hard enough when you’re the daughter of ‘The Fairest of Them All’ but for Melody, who’s just been tricked into releasing the Wicked Queen, it’s about to get even harder. (I like this. Nice hook.)
After the Mirror is the story of Melody, the lonely and rebellious eleven-year-old daughter of Snow White and Prince Valiant. She's spent her whole life being compared to her 'perfect' mother. And not in a good way.(Great stuff. Lots of character conflict.) When Melody discovers the magic mirror with Espella, the genii, still trapped inside she thinks that at last she’s found a friend. (Not sure you need to go into names. just use genii.) But Espella is in fact Narcissa, Snow White’s wicked stepmother, confined to the mirror as punishment and, once free, she starts to take revenge. (I’d probably cut the name Narcissa and go with wicked stepmother only.)
Facing many challenges, Melody and Snow White cross the Forbidden Forest together becoming closer as Melody begins to understand some of what her mother has been through because of Narcissa. (I’d probably cut ‘because of Narcissa. We understand what Snow White has been through so no need to put words to it.) With the help of the dwarfs they return to the castle to rescue Valiant and, after battling Narcissa and her supernatural creatures, Melody finally manages to defeat Narcissa and to give herself and Snow White a long-overdue happy ever after. (Here is where I have a problem with the query. You need to leave it open ended. There has to be doubt about whether the mc succeeds or fails. Here is where you need the stakes. With the help of somefumble-fingered dwarfs they return to the castle to rescue Valiant. But it’s going to take a something something (fight) against the wicked queen and her supernatural creatures.(maybe be more specific about the creatures and her flying monkeys.) Either Melody will reunite her family or she’ll whatever bad thing will happen (or she’ll sleep for a hundred years))
After the Mirror will appeal to children who like reading exciting adventure stories with fun, feisty and interesting heroines.(Show your heroine is fun and feisty in the query. That’s where voice comes in!!!) And, as the novel continues a well-known fairy story, it has some familiar, favourite characters in it for instance the dwarfs who add a lighter, comic element to the story, and the wonderfully scary and very wicked stepmother, Narcissa. (Again don’t go with this, but try to show it in the query.)
First 250 words:
“How dare you say that to your mother!” The King was striding towards them(The King strode forward), his voice ringing out (cut ‘out’) in the sudden, embarrassed silence that had (cut ‘had’) descended upon the crowded ballroom. He stopped in front of Melody, his usually gentle, blue eyes now icy cold as he stared, unsmiling, down at her. (maybe cut ‘as he stared, unsmiling down at her. We probably get that from his words.) “Go to your room!”
“But, Dad…”
“NOW!”
Melody turned and fled, trying to hide the tears that sprang to her eyes. She didn’t care about the room full of party guests left standing, staring at her, their mouths open in shock at the scene they’d just witnessed (I’d probably cut ‘at the scene they’d just witnessed’ we already know that.) , or even about the red-faced rage of her father. No, it was only her mother’s face she could see. Her mother, (I’d cut ‘her mother’ that can be implied.) Snow White’s, stricken face looking (looked) even paler than usual against her long black hair - so sad, so hurt, and all because of her.
She ran up the grand staircase to the family’s private wing but passed by(cut ‘by’) the door to her own bedroom, carrying on instead to the very(cut ‘very’) end of the hallway where she ducked under the ornate tapestry hanging on the wall and climbed the narrow, spiral staircase hidden behind. (Interesting place to stop!)
I had to cut part of the opening 250 to get the feedback to fit.
DeleteReally interesting query and I only had a few suggestions.
Awesome premise. Your query starts really well, but you say too much in the third paragraph. This is reading like a synopsis, when you want to just tease. Character, conflict, stakes.
ReplyDeleteMy problem with the opening is that I don't know why Melody shouted that Snow White sucks in the middle of a party. There is nothing to hint of what drove her to the outburst. The parents reaction makes sense and her emotional state afterwards too. I'd suggest starting the scene earlier with enough setup to draw us closer to Melody so we want to shout at Snow White too.
Good luck!
What a great idea -- this is a fresh approach to the fair tale reimagining concept, and I love it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above commenter that your query is too much synopsis and not enough hook and stakes. We need a to get a better sense of what Melody really wants, what her conflict is, what the stakes are. "Facing many challenges" is too vague - give us something to get excited about!
I like Michelle's line edit of your first 250 - so my feedback on that is "what she said"! Your sample is a nice scene setter but I think it's a bit wordy. Michelle's cuts will help, and I think you can go back and read it out loud to hear even more places where leaner writing will make it stronger.
Good luck!
Heather, EXQUISITE SENSES
What a great twist on Snow White! This is great! And Michelle did a terrific job on the line edits! I also agree with Patchi, there needs to be some sort of set up before you have Melody yelling Snow White sucks. Something that explains her outburst at the party. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteReally clever to turn the story on its head. I like the idea of the Wicked Witch being trapped in the mirror.
ReplyDeleteMy comments are for the 250 words because the query has already been edited beautifully and commented by others above.
The beginning jarred me. I've heard it said to start your books as if the reader is coming into the middle of a party. I was thrown into the scene, but not in a good way. I need to feel I can relate to the character, and I can't relate to someone that's shouting in the middle of a party unprovoked. Are you going to tell us why she shouted? Right now I'm thinking she's a spoiled brat, which is fine, but give me more to show me why she's angry. Tell me what makes Melody tick. I think we need to start a little before this.
BUT the followup on emotions and how everyone reacted was beautiful. I'd just like to know how we got there, to begin with!!
The edits for passive voice definitely apply, I have a problem, too, with wanting to use "ing" instead of "ed", but it's really best to try and rewrite all verbs to past tense.
Neat concept! I love that you've turned this into a mother/daughter story.
ReplyDeleteI think you need a dash or possibly a comma after "Fairest of them All" in the first sentence.
I would skip "After the Mirror is the story of" and just start with "Melody is the lonely and rebellious..." in the 2nd paragraph. Then, you can bring in the title in the closing paragraph. I don't think you need it twice.
I think you might want to end the synopsis with the challenges Melody is facing rather than with the happy ever after ending -- bring us to the core conflict and leave the tension high, rather than resolving it.
I would also cut (or entirely rewrite) the final paragraph -- you don't want to come off as praising your own book, and hopefully the appeal will be evident from the query.
First 250 - The first line is great for the shock value, but I'd love to have more sense of context. Did she just yell this in the middle of the ball for no reason? (If so, she's not very sympathetic.) Did something lead up to it? I love the emotional impact of the implied guilt at hurting her mother -- that's fantastic. But I'd like to have a little more hint about WHY Melody yelled that if I'm going to identify with her off the bat.
Neat idea! Good luck!
[Note for Michelle - My sun vs. snow entry was DREAMWALKERS (MG contemporary fantasy), and I'd love to join the critique workshop (and will continue posting feedback over the next day or two), but have done substantial revisions to my query since submitting to SVS... so feedback on the old version wouldn't be useful. Not sure what to do about that. Thanks for hosting this!]
You can email your revised query to me at the email address in the left sidebar, Melissa.
DeleteThank you so much to everyone who's come and commented on my query so far. Your comments and support are so valuable and much appreciated. I am fired up with enthusiasm and really don't want to go back to work; I want to stay here and write! G
ReplyDeleteQuery:
ReplyDeleteI love this premise! I’d love to read a story that focuses on Snow White’s daughter and the challenges she faces. You have a really unique and adorable idea here.
To be honest, I had to read the first sentence a couple of times to understand what you were saying. It’s grammatically correct but feels windy. But after I understood the first sentence I loved it! The sentence’s tone is perfect for your introductory sentence, but I’d recommend finding a way to tighten it.
In the third paragraph, you can remove extra spaces around the word “Forbidden” to make it a little easier on the eyes. I also highly recommend a comma between “together” and “becoming” (thus: “Melody and Snow White cross the Forbidden Forest together, becoming closer as Melody begins to understand….”).
The “to” before “forgive herself” (third paragraph) is unnecessary and sounds awkward. It can be changed to: “Melody finally manages to defeat Narcissa and give herself and Snow White a long-overdue happy ever after.”
I’m really confused about why Melody has to rescue Valiant (third paragraph). It was never mentioned that he was in danger. That seems pretty relevant for the stakes. Perhaps you could add a short sentence that explains why it’s important to rescue Valiant.
The last paragraph makes me hesitate, unfortunately. It tells but doesn’t show. The list of character personalities is off-putting. I recommend finding a way to weave those personalities into the query earlier. For instance, when you mention the dwarves in the third paragraph you could use a humorous tone. You’ve actually already shown us (at the end of paragraph two) that Narcissa is wicked and revengeful, so that’s good—it doesn’t need repeated in the last paragraph. If you decide to keep the last paragraph, though (totally your prerogative, of course), please add a comma before “for instance”
First 250:
This is great! You’ve definitely hooked me. You’ve dropped us right into the middle of Melody’s life and the angst she feels about having a famous mother. I think a lot of kids will eat this story up. I would definitely keep reading.
One sentence stood out to me as awkward, though: “Her mother, Snow White’s, stricken face looking even paler than usual against her long black hair - so sad, so hurt, and all because of her.” This is one of those weird sentences where if you’re being grammatically correct then “mother” should be “mother’s” (to connect “her mother’s…stricken face”), but that sounds awkward too. Is there a way to rearrange this sentence so that Snow White isn’t introduced in the possessive?
Conclusion:
I love your premise but I think your first 250 words are much stronger than your query. With some tightening of the query I think you have a really good shot at catching an agent’s eye!
Best of luck!
Heather
(LOVE IS FAKE, YOU KNOW)
I found the "Snow White sucks" dialogue at the beginning of the 250 words jarring in a good way. I think the writing gives sets a modern twist to the fairy tale. I like how the age-old adolescent/parent relationship (or battle) is adapted to Snow White. I found myself saying, "Who could be mad at Snow White?" And that's where the story takes off. What did Snow White do to set herself at odds with Melody? What did she do at the ball to make her mad? Yes, I think there could be a little more context to set the stage, but the piece starts with a bang. I think it's funny that the king sent her to her room.
ReplyDeleteAnd I like how it ended with the secret door behind the tapestry. It gave us that wink of adventure and I wanted to follow.
The query was strong and Michelle gave some great suggestions. I would have liked to see more of that modern edge, the "Snow White sucks" factor in the first and maybe third paragraphs. How is she rebellious? Why are the dwarfs funny? I think there's some opportunity to expand the voice and world building.
I really liked that Melody and Snow White go on the adventure together. What do they find out about each other? Maybe they are a lot more alike then they would want to admit, and one Melody sees her mom in action, she might just think she's "cool." She did beat the wicked queen the first time. What puts them at odds and what is the glimpse that will bring them back together?
Good luck,
Shawn (DARKENWEAR)
This is great! I love twists on fairy tales and this one seems so interesting! We've all seen the Snow White story done a million different ways, but never the aftermath. I think it's especially great that you're doing it as an MG adventure rather than a YA love story.
ReplyDeleteThe query is good, but I think you should leave out the information you put in the end of it. Like others have said, this sounds a lot like a synopsis rather than a teaser. Maybe take that out and give us a little more information on the adventure Snow White and Melody embark on.
Also, the first 250 are great, but I agree that we should maybe get a glimpse at why Melody had this outburst of rage. Other than that, this is great!
Good luck!
Charyse (GRAVEL GHOST)