Holiday Query Hop Critique 1

I'll take the first shot at some query comments. Keep in mind that feedback is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

The Holiday Query hop is still taking entries, see here for details.  

The random number generator picks 14! 

Here is the query without comments:

Dear ______,

When seventeen-year-old Jill finds herself submerged in violence on small town Capland’s football field she discovers two things: the rivalry is way out of control, and she just met the boy worth questioning everything she’s grown up to believe. 

Jill wasn’t on the lookout for a boyfriend. What was the point when she’d be gone to State in the fall. One quick rescue on a football field, followed by an extraordinary amount of sneaking around and lying (there was always lying) and she was hooked. Too bad her new love, Rashon, was a Montville boy. Not to mention, Dad would have a stroke if he knew she even dreamed of dating his rival’s son. Loving him in secret was great and all, but there’s only so much time in a day without prying eyes. The only way to end the rivalry was to find out why it started in the first place. And so, the inquisition began. Granddad, bourboned up and chatty, would offer the details, details that prevented either love struck teen’s family to forgive and forget.
She had to make it happen. Somehow. Living without the boy her heart refused to forget wasn’t an option.

WHERE THE MAPLES GROW, a contemporary retelling complete at 51,000 words, is a story of forbidden love as seen from two points of view: my Romeo and my Juliet.

Per submission guidelines, I’ve included the first XXX of my manuscript. I appreciate your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

And with my crazy comments:

Dear ______, I prefer a colon here because a query is a business letter, but it won't make or break you. 

When seventeen-year-old Jill finds herself is submerged in violence(generic. Be specific. is caught in a riot-- is submerged in a gun fight) on small town Capland’s football fieldcomma she discovers two things: the rivalry(After reading on, I have to come back to this. The rivalry isn't spelled out. I thought it was the rivalry between two high schools. Seems like it might be something else.) is way out of control, and she just met the boy worth questioning everything she’s grown up believing to believe. 

Jill wasn’t on the lookout for a boyfriend. What was is the point when she’d be gone to State in the fall. One quick rescue on a football field, followed by an extraordinary amount of sneaking around and lying (there was is always lying) and she is was hooked. Too bad her new love, Rashon,  is was a Montville(And right there I know what we're dealing with. It's Romeo and Juliet.) boy. Not to mention, Dad would have a stroke if he knew she even dreamed(Isn't she already doing this? stroke if he found out she's dating his rival's son.) of dating his rival’s son (How is a high school team her dad's rival. Why would dad care about high school rivalries anymore?). Loving him in secret is was great and all, but there’s only so much time in a day without prying eyes. The only way to end the rivalry is was to find out why it started in the first place. 

And so, the inquisition began(Too unfocused. And so, Jill starts an inquisition.) Granddad, bourboned up and chatty, would offers the details, details that preventesd either love struck teen’s family to forgive and forget.
She hasd to make it happen. Somehow. Living without the boy her heart refusesd(Confusing and awkward. Living without the boy of her heart isn't an option.) to forget isn't wasn’t an option. (I'm wondering if there wouldn't be larger stakes than this. Obviously with the original R and J there were bigger stakes.)

WHERE THE MAPLES GROW, a contemporary YA retelling complete at 51,000 words, is a story of forbidden love as seen from two points of view: my Romeo and my Juliet.

Per submission guidelines, I’ve included the first XXX of my manuscript. I appreciate your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

The query does need to be told in present tense, so I suggested those changes.

To be honest, this concept has been done before. That means you're really going to have to show us something unique or interesting about the situation or the characters. While clear and concise, so far this query doesn't have that. I'd try to cut down the middle paragraph to refocus on showing the character personality or something about the plot that's new and unique.

I hope this helps.