Spring Query Extravaganza 2016-- 3

Here we go with another query warm up for Query Kombat.

Please remember these are my thoughts only and I'm just one subjective opinion. Others may feel differently on how to shape a query. 

My next victim willing participant:

Dear Amazing Agent,

Thank you for considering my debut YA Horror, complete at around 68,000 words. I am a member of SCBWI and RMFW. 

CAMILLA is a PK (pastor kid), who lost faith after her prayers failed to cure her mom's cancer. When her dad, PERRY, uproots her 1400 miles away from home in upstate New York, to small town Clayette, LA, Cam decides to try a Ouija board to communicate with her mother's spirit, unleashing an unseen evil that inhabits her new house.

A mysterious break in, unexplainable sounds, and a chair that moves on its own lead Cam to believe her new house is haunted. Perry doesn't believe any of it, wonders if she's high, and on top of that gets a dog for "security". Cam was attacked by a family dog as a child and resents her dad for not understanding her phobia.

This only drives a stake between Cam and Perry, and Cam can't help but feel the new house is enjoying their animosity.

After the house hurts Perry, Cam decides to destroy the house by burning it down, so it can't harm her or anyone else's family ever again. But the house is ready for her, and it won't go quietly.

FALL OF THE SPARROW follows a grieving teenager and her dad as they fight to survive a possessed home and search for closure and forgiveness.

Thank you,

With my comments added:

Dear Amazing Agent, (Again, nit-picky advice would be to use a colon for a business letter.)

Thank you for considering my debut (There are downsides to including "debut" in your query. Some agents are going to assume that equals inexperienced. That number might be larger than the number of agents it inspires. Also, you want your title in this sentence, too. )  YA Horror, FALL OF THE SPARROW, complete at around 68,000 words. I am a member of SCBWI and RMFW. 

CAMILLA (I've seen all caps used on character names for a synopsis, but it isn't done for a query. Most YA queries include an age when the main character is introduced. Seventeen-year-old or Sixteen-year-old for example.)  is a PK (pastor kid), (Interesting.) who lost faith after her prayers failed to cure her mom's cancer. When her dad, PERRY, (Probably don't need his name. Dad's are secondary characters in YA.)  uproots her 1400 miles away (Not a necessary detail as we know it's far from NY to LA.) from home in upstate New York, to small town Clayette, LA Louisiana, Cam decides to try a Ouija board to communicate with her mother's spirit, unleashing an unseen evil that inhabits her new house.

A mysterious break in, unexplainable unexplained sounds, and a chair that moves on its own lead Cam to believe her new house is haunted. Perry Her dad doesn't believe buy (You just used believe. Never repeat a major word if you can help it.) any of it, wonders if she's high, and on top of that gets a dog for "security,".  despite Cam was being attacked by a family dog as a child and resents her dad for not understanding her phobia. (This sentence sounds very explainy. Let the reader draw their own conclusions.) 

This only drives a stake between Cam and Perry her dad, and Cam can't help but feel the new house is enjoying their animosity.(This is perhaps the creepiest part so far of the query. It's pretty mild. I would enlarge on the rift between her and her father. Does the house use that against them? That would be interesting.)

After the house hurts Perryher dad (Be specific. Breaks his leg? Causes him to fall from the roof?) , Cam decides to destroy the house by burning it down, so it can't harm her or anyone else's family ever again (Does she find out the house has a history of hurting the occupants? That could be an important fact.). But the house is ready for her, and it won't go quietly. (I'm not finding the language of this last sentence very inspiring. The wording doesn't bring horror to my mind. I wish I could give a good example, but I'm terrible at horror. Maybe just tweak the word choices but keep the idea!)

FALL OF THE SPARROW follows a grieving teenager and her dad as they fight to survive a possessed home and search for closure and forgiveness. (I think this paragraph can go. It's just repeating what the query has already told us. All the important data is above.)

Thank you,

What I like about this query is that it is very clear and easy to follow. It's not confusing, but sets out the plot coherently. That is tough to do. I think it is nearly there! 

A couple of things that the author may want to work on in two steps. First, the complexity of the story doesn't seem that deep from the query. I'm sure there is an element of Cam doubting herself, thinking she's going crazy. Some sort of struggle between her and her father. Clearly, the house hurting her father is an escalation of the conflict--so I'm glad to see that. But I think having more complex stakes would be a benefit. Maybe her mother's death comes back into play or Cam's feelings about religion undergoes a transformation. Maybe the Southern history of the house or another unique character who helps her. Her struggles to adjust in LA. Something to show added depth of the plot in just the last paragraph.

Second, I would look for verbs and language more in keeping with horror. Use the words of the query to set a mood. Once you have the basics of the query solid, start playing with the words themselves and make them reflect the creepiness of the actual story. Slip in a few creepy phrases, like unseen fingers brushing the back of her neck in icy waves. Unlike most other genre of query letter, I feel like that is so important for a good horror query. That will make the query stand out from others.

Try to work in some words unique to Louisiana and that whole bayou voodoo heritage. Make it feel more Southern. Give it a twist agents haven't seen before.  

I hope this helps.