Saturday, July 15, 2017

Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 7

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 

In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.

Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

I'm finishing up the critique marathon with two more as the mentor blog hop starts on Wednesday!  

The query without my notes:

SKALDSDOTTIR'S SAGA follows the story of two exiled viking lovers, Wytha and Lae, as they traverse a haunted forest searching for a bounty that will convince their leader to pardon them. The novel combines the fast pace of Bernard Cornwell's The Last Kingdom series with the dark, quirky humour, and uncanny mystery of Twin Peaks. Complete at 123 000 words, Skaldsdottir's Saga is set in a world based on pre-Christian Scandinavia, and is told from three perspectives. [INSERT PERSONALIZATION]

The road home is paved with poor decisions.

Wytha Childkiller's first was committing the crime that got her exiled, but she'll be damned if she'll share the details of what she did with anyone, even her lover, Laeaflaetha. Now stripped of ship, titles, wealth, and homeland, Wytha, Lae, and the motley band of misfits who follow them, must find a gift worthy of their chieftan's forgiveness, or be landlocked forever.

The search for a gift leads Wytha and Lae into the heart of a dense wood, where the stories Wytha learned at her uncle's knee are no mere legends. After capturing a princely hostage the group travels homeward, but along the way Wytha's band is attacked by spectral barrow-wights called draugr. Black as night's own shadow, long-limbed and faceless, the draugr can separate skin from bone with a touch, and send one of Wytha's men into a slumber from which he cannot wake.

Seeking someone with the knowledge to cure their friend, Wytha and the others enlist the help of a mad widow who claims to know a path through the woods, but as danger continues to dog them in the form of the draugr, Wytha questions whether one of her own people may be summoning the spirits.

I wrote this novel after my research into the Viking world showed evidence of diverse populations nowhere near as homogeneous as may be expected. As a trans author, I am always in search of stories that feature incidental rather than forced diversity, and SKALDSDOTTIR’S SAGA was written in the spirit of illuminating and reclaiming queer history.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

And with my crazy notes:

SKALDSDOTTIR'S SAGA follows the story of two exiled viking lovers, Wytha and Lae, as they traverse a haunted forest searching for a bounty that will convince their leader to pardon them. (Again totally subjective, but I'm not a fan of telling about the story in the genre/word count paragraph. It just doesn't feel like the place for it. I would certainly skim it in a contest. You can get in that this is a Viking story in one of the sentences below. Everything else is covered in your other paragraphs.)The novel combines the fast pace of Bernard Cornwell's The Last Kingdom series with the dark, quirky humour, and uncanny mystery of Twin Peaks. Complete at 123,000 (Right at the top of the word count for adult fantasy. Which brings me to another problem: where's the genre?) words, Skaldsdottir's Saga(Capitalize and italic every time you use your title.) is set in a world based on pre-Christian Scandinavia, and is told from three perspectives(Good to know.) . [INSERT PERSONALIZATION]

The road home is paved with poor decisions. (Interesting.)

Wytha Childkiller's first was committing the crime that got her exiled, but she'll be damned (good character personality) if she'll share the details of what she did with anyone, even her lover, Laeaflaetha. Now stripped of ship, titles, wealth, and homeland, Wytha, Lae, and the motley band of misfits who follow them, must find a gift worthy of their chieftan's forgiveness, or be landlocked forever. (I'm intrigued. We've got a unique obstacle and motivation. The setting is different than the usual story.)

The search for a gift leads Wytha and Lae into the heart of a dense wood, where the stories (I would give a taste of what kind of stories. Horror stories? For me, this falls a little flat. It's missing a sense of danger.) Wytha learned at her uncle's knee are no mere legends. After capturing a princely hostage (from another tribe? what sort of hostage?) the group travels homeward, but along the way Wytha's band is attacked by spectral barrow-wights called draugr. Black as night's own shadow, long-limbed and faceless, the draugr can separate skin from bone with a touch, and sendsends one of Wytha's men into a slumber from which he cannot wake. (Good stuff. But I'm wondering about danger to their hostage. Maybe work in that Wytha fears losing the gift she went to so much trouble to procure. That would take this back around to the wider story.)

Seeking someone with the knowledge to cure their friend, Wytha and the others enlist the help of a mad widow who claims to know a path through the woods, but as danger continues to dog them in the form of the draugr, Wytha questions whether one of her own people may be summoning the spirits. (Good, you have escalation. But you are missing the choice Wytha must make and what happens if she fails here at the end. And that's one long-ass sentence. You might break it up because when someone's been reading a lot of queries long sentences can get fuzzy.)

I wrote this novel after my research into the Viking world showed evidence of diverse populations diversity, the population nowhere near as homogeneous as may be expected. (Something off about this sentence. I think you need to rephrase.)   As a trans author, I am always in search of stories that feature incidental rather than forced diversity., and SKALDSDOTTIR’S SAGA was written in the spirit of illuminating and reclaiming queer history. (So is this ownvoices? You are hurting your cause if it is and you don't claim it. And still no genre? That's a problem.)

Thank you for your time and consideration, (My idea of the perfect closing.)

There's a lot to like in this query for me. It's got the lots of unique touches and world building. There's a sense of character personality, including stubbornness. The motivation is clear.

Make sure you connect how being attacked in the forest comes back to their larger quest. Perhaps by using the threat to their hostage. And clear up the character choice and what will happen if she fails. Also don't forget to list the genre somewhere. 


Good luck! 

5 comments:

  1. You had me at Viking. :)[I am just starting on a prequel to a novel, and it has Norse Vikings, albeit it's at the far end of their reign]. I wonder if the hook (the second lone line) should be earlier, dip into the story, then lay out the book title/word count (and yes, genre!). I do like seeing the genre/word count earlier on instead of at the end. I also wonder about Lae. Lae is introduced but we know nothing further. I am able to discern the goal, motivation, and conflict here but it does feel a bit muddled toward the end; like Michelle said, just tightening that up would help. And I agree - the end para should state ownvoices. I also love the comp titles; gives me a vision of it immediately! Although you say pre-Christian time, I do wonder if a year or century would help the readers, too.

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    1. ooo! That sounds amazing.

      Mine is actually set in a fantasy world where the culture is Viking in nature but not name, if that makes sense? Sort of along the lines of what writers like Guy Gavriel Kay and GRRM do. But it's also set around a similar time, in that elements of it focus on the decline of pagan beliefs, etc. I drew on my medieval studies background, but did a lot of additional research. A recent book you might enjoy that I found immensely helpful is The Conversion of Scandinavia by Anders Winroth. He has a fresh take on how conversion took place, and his argument was very convincing.

      Aaaaaanyway, thanks so much for the feedback! I'm thinking both you and Michelle are right about the logline-ish part at the beginning. Being a derp, I accidentally deleted the genre line somehow when I was reworking this to send it. :/

      I could add more about Lae for sure--maybe I can work that into the paragraph Michelle was suggesting needed a clearer choice for Wytha.

      Anyway, thanks so much! (:

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    2. It does sound like an interesting read! If it's fantasy and Viking-inspired, make sure you state that. Thanks for the book recommendation! I have a few Viking books piled on my coffee table. Good luck!

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    3. For sure! Normally the genre is there--and I make sure to say "inspired by pre-Christian Scandinavia" to get that across.

      Good luck to you as well! Your current project sounds amazing. (:

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  2. What a terrible query--I'm not even critiquing this one. It is just bad and the writer should give up.

    Ahem.

    Thanks so much! This was super helpful, as a lot of the areas you pointed out issues were places where I'd taken bits out that I'd been having trouble working in (I should give it another shot, I think, and not be afraid because it's tricky). I'll work harder to incorporate some of the elements you mentioned, and probably cut the logline-y bit up top.

    It's not own voice exactly, which is why I worry. I'm queer but have never identified as a lesbian (though I have been perceived as one for much of my life). It always leaves me unsure about how to use #ownvoices and what contexts that's meant for. In an earlier version I think I did use it, but later on I didn't want to get dragged in to all the drama over the hashtag on twitter. :/

    I'm not sure where the genre disappeared. D: I must have accidentally deleted the sentence when I sent the query along, as it's supposed to be right after the "complete at X words" bit, haha. I am good at the things.

    Again, thanks so much! (:

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