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The original version:
Dear Agent,
When vengeful spirits kidnap the mother of seventeen-year-old witch Agatha Crowe, she must do the one thing she promised herself she’d never, ever do. Ask her dark warlock father she’s never met for help. Even though he’s supposed to be dead, Agatha knows better, and according to a note her mother left, he’s the only one who can help.
But Agatha’s father is not exactly what she expects. Sure he’s volatile and solitary, but he’s also still recklessly in love with her mother. Then there’s his roguish and infuriatingly handsome huntsman, Digger Hawke, who makes it his life mission to drive Agatha completely mad.
If she wants to free her mother and protect their land for the living, Agatha must embrace the side of herself she’s tried to suppress and accept that there may be more than one side to the legend of the wicked Adrian Crowe.
THE CROWES is YA Fantasy and complete at 70,000 words.
Thanks for your consideration,
Now with crazy commentary:
Dear Agent,
When vengeful spirits kidnap the mother of seventeen-year-old witch Agatha Crowe, she must do the one thing she promised herself she’d never, ever do. These need to be connect in some way with a colon or an em dash. And it leaves me wondering why the spirits are vengeful against her mother. It's also a little wordy. When vengeful spirits kidnap seventeen-year-old witch Agatha Crowe's mother, Agatha must ...Ask her dark warlock father she’s never met for
But Agatha’s father is not exactly what she expects. Sure he’s volatile and solitary, but he’s also still recklessly in love with her mother. You are stripping away the conflict from your query. Oh, dad's not so terrible. He's really a good guy--for a dark warlock. Happy family reunion. Probably the sort of thing that can stay out of the query, but works great in the manuscript. Then there’s his roguish and infuriatingly handsome huntsman, Digger Hawke, who makes it his life mission to drive Agatha completely mad. This takes us away from the plot and into kissy-kissy land. The genre says fantasy, not romance. Not that I object to a touch of romance, quite the contrary. If you had why Agatha needs him around, then added the kissiness of him, that's another barrel of apples. If you decide to stick with Digger in the query, I'd be more specific about how he drives her mad. Put I think I'd stick with the vengeful spirits and what they are doing.
If she wants to free her mother and protect their land for the living Hmm? Protect the land? This kinda crept in there with nothing in the rest of the query to back it up. , Agatha must embrace the side of herself she’s tried to suppress and accept that there may be more than one side to the legend of the wicked Adrian Crowe. Keep it focused on Agatha. Less dad and more MC.
THE CROWES is YA Fantasy and complete at 70,000 words. Sounds good.
Thanks for your consideration,
So I think the hook works, but then you need to lighten up about dad and focus on Agatha and the spirits. What chaos are the spirits causing? Why did they take her mother? What is the threat to the land of the living?
My thoughts, as I'm paying the commentary forward (with a plan to be on the receiving end, so feel free to hold a grudge):
ReplyDelete"When vengeful spirits kidnap the mother of seventeen-year-old witch Agatha Crowe, she must do the one thing she promised herself she’d never, ever do"
Up to here, I'm digging it. Great hook.
" Ask her dark warlock father she’s never met for help."
Definitely needs an em-dash or colon. I'm partial to the em-dash, but colon seems more appropriate.
"Even though he’s supposed to be dead, Agatha knows better, and according to a note her mother left, he’s the only one who can help."
This sentence left me tripping. A re-ordering would help, and might alleviate the need for adding that broken end to the previous statement. You could replace them both with something like "She has no choice but to contact her dark warlock father, whom she knows isn't as dead as the rumors say."
"But Agatha’s father is not exactly what she expects."
There a lot of sentences in these first few paragraphs that start unconventionally, and this one in particular isn't helped by it. Ditch the starting 'but,' and it's fine.
"Then there’s his roguish and infuriatingly handsome huntsman, Digger Hawke, who makes it his life mission to drive Agatha completely mad."
Again with the unconventional start, though here it works better. This feels pretty disconnected from the start of the paragraph, all of which takes the focus off of Agatha. At the risk of spamming her name, I'd connect every statement here to what the MC sees. For example, "Agatha is charmed by her father's long lost love, even as she is driven up the walls by his curmudgeonlieness, not to mention his irritating-but-handosme huntsman Digger Hawke."
"If she wants to free her mother and protect their land for the living, Agatha must embrace the side of herself she’s tried to suppress and accept that there may be more than one side to the legend of the wicked Adrian Crowe."
Pretty darn good closing, with one major exception—I (told you I was partial to the em-dash) didn't know her father's name until the very last words, and I had a five-second mental break tying the names together. (I'm assuming Adrian isn't her heretofore unmentioned evil cousin, brother, or nephew).
"THE CROWES is YA Fantasy and complete at 70,000 words."
Cool title & tie-in. Nothing to say about this sentence except that I find it odd that the convention is to say all books are "complete at X words." Nothing wrong with doing it here, and I do the same thing. I just never tell my friends that my book is "complete at" anything.