Friday, July 26, 2013

Summer Query Extravaganza 17

You know the drill. Contact me on twitter if you want your query showcased. Comment on the query before and after yours. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

The announcement about my baby contest called Agent Greetings will be up tomorrow. Stay tuned. Now here's number 17:

As sent to me:

Dear Agent of Unfathomable Wisdom and Impeccable Taste,

Ian Jonas was a rock star. He was a Super Bowl winning quarterback, a secret agent, a soldier, and a consort to the stars. Ian has been all of those things and many more, because Ian Jonas is awesome at dreaming. Doctors call him a habitual lucid dreamer, but what it means to Ian is that the best part of every day is the time he spends asleep, in a world that’s been all his for as long as he can remember.

In the real world, Ian is a tech reporter in the suburbs of D.C., living with his wife and young daughter. His hum-drum picket-fence life is upended, though, when one of his many Hollywood dream romances, Alyssa May, calls him in the waking world. Ian finds out that he and Alyssa can be in other people’s dreams, and they are not the only ones. Only a handful of people around the world can do what Ian and Alyssa can, including those who abuse that talent in a way that Alyssa is all too familiar with. When Alyssa begs for Ian’s help, the monsters from her past follow her to Ian and into the dreams of his wife and daughter, where a maestro of nightmares gives Ian a choice: give him Alyssa, or he will destroy the minds of Ian’s family.

If Ian can’t figure out how to stop a practiced dream terrorist, he’ll have to sacrifice his sanity, his family, and his promise to protect an innocent starlet whose connection to him goes back farther than either of them know. With Alyssa’s help, Ian has to master a world he never knew was real or lose everything.

NIGHTLIVES is an adult modern fantasy novel complete at 55,000 words which will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher and Kelly Armstrong.

Thank you for your time,


[Name redacted for national security reasons]



Now with some nutty girl's comments:

Dear Agent of Unfathomable Wisdom and Impeccable Taste, Now that's a greeting! But use a colon for a business letter after the greeting. Dear Kissy agent:

Ian Jonas was a rock star. He was a Super Bowl winning quarterback, a secret agent, a soldier, and a consort to the stars. Ian has been all of those things and many more, because Ian Jonas is awesome at dreaming. I'm a little worried about the originality factor because I guessed this conclusion. Why not skip the sentence telling us he is a dreamer and let the reader figure it out.  Try it this way: Rock star. Super bowl winning quarterback. Secret Agent. Soldier. Lover of the famous. Ian Jonas has been all these and more. Doctors call him a habitual lucid dreamer, but what it means to Ian is that the best part of every day is the time he spends the best part of every day asleep, in a pretend world that’s been all his for as long as he can remember.

In the real world, Ian is a tech reporter in the suburbs of D.C., living with his wife and young daughter. His hum-drumcomma picket-fence life is upended, though, when one of his many Hollywood dream romances, Alyssa May, calls him in the waking world. Which makes me wonder about Ian's likeability if he's been cheating on his wife in his 'real' dreams. Ian finds out that filtering He and Alyssa can be stronger verb- invade in other people’s dreams, and they are not the only ones. Only a handful of people around the world can do what Ian and Alyssa can, including those who Dark terrorists abuse that talent in a way that Alyssa is all too familiar with be specific--by taking off the head of anyone who threatens them/influencing the powerful. When Alyssa begs for Ian’s help, The monsters from her Alyssa's past follow her to Ian and into the dreams of his wife and daughter. where A maestro of nightmares gives Ian a choice: give him surrender Alyssa, or he will destroy the minds of Ian’s family. I like maestro of nightmares. That's a nice phrase!

If Ian can’t figure out how to stop a practiced maestro? dream terrorist, he’ll have to sacrifice his sanity, his family, and his promise to protect an innocent starlet whose connection to him goes back farther than either of them know. I'm not sure I'd dwell on the relationship with the starlet if they cheated together. But that's my old-fashioned taste.  With Alyssa’s help, Ian has to master a world he never knew was real or lose everything.

NIGHTLIVES is an adult modern fantasy novel complete at 55,000 words which will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher and Kelly Armstrong. Oh, this is a very low word count for adult fantasy. It worries me and will probably be a red flag for agents. Big fan of Jim Butcher! Reading his Dresden series now.

Thank you for your time,

[Name redacted for national security reasons] Hello, redacted!


Wordy, but I think everything needed is here for this query. Plot, stakes. I would like a little more about the MC's personality. We don't know much about him. Does he feel guilt for what he's done to his family, getting them involved? Guilt should be a big part of him. Maybe use some adjectives to give a taste of him.

I'm also a little worried about word count and that this is a concept that has been done often. You really need to play up with is unique with your story. Best of luck and I hope this helps.   

4 comments:

  1. I think the concept seems interesting. But I do think you are right that the MC personality doesn't come out enough in the query, I want to know more about him as a person, and how the events in the story make him feel as a person.

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  2. Hi! I just stumbled upon your site today. I thought I'd put in my two cents worth.

    My first (well, technically second) comment is: Which book are you on in the Dresden Files? I'd have to say book 3 was my fav. of the ones I read, although it was around book 5 or 6 that I stopped.

    And here's what I have:

    Dear Agent of Unfathomable Wisdom and Impeccable Taste,

    Ian Jonas was a rock star. He was a Super Bowl winning quarterback, a secret agent, a soldier, and a consort to the stars. Ian has been all of those things and many more, This sentence feels a little hokey to me. Sort of like a Hollywood movie line. because Ian Jonas is awesome at dreaming. Doctors call him a habitual lucid dreamer, Do doctors recognize lucid dreaming? Why is he going to the doctor for his sleep? but what it means to Ian is that the best part of every day is the time he spends asleep, in a world that’s been all his for as long as he can remember.Again, feels a little hokey.

    In the real world, Ian is a tech reporter in the suburbs of D.C., living with his wife and young daughter. His hum-drum picket-fence life is upended, though, when one of his many Hollywood dream romances, Alyssa May, calls him in the waking world. Ian finds out that he and Alyssa can be in other people’s dreams, and they are not the only ones. Only a handful of people around the world can do what Ian and Alyssa can,I guess what I'm not sure about in these phrases is: if everyone could do it, there wouldn't be a story, so why mention that everyone can't? Go straight into the conflict. including those who abuse that talent in a way that Alyssa is all too familiar with. When Alyssa begs for Ian’s help, the monsters from her past follow her to Ian and into the dreams of his wife and daughter, where a maestro of nightmares gives Ian a choice: give him Alyssa, or he will destroy the minds of Ian’s family.

    If Ian can’t figure out how to stop a practiced dream terrorist, he’ll have to sacrifice his sanity, his family, and his promise to protect an innocent starlet Did you mention she was a starlet before? Is it important that we know she is a starlet? whose connection to him goes back farther than either of them know.Same thing...I think Hollywood when I read this. With Alyssa’s help, Ian has to master a world he never knew was real or lose everything.You already said this earlier in the query, when you offer the choice.

    NIGHTLIVES is an adult modern fantasy novel complete at 55,000 words which will appeal to fans of Jim Butcher and Kelly Armstrong.

    Thank you for your time,

    [Name redacted for national security reasons]


    I really can't add anything else to this other than what other's have already mentioned about the voice--I can't *feel* your main character--and the length.

    It does sound like you have all the pieces of a query together, but maybe work on chopping down your sentences?

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    Replies
    1. I'm on number 4 of the Dresden series, Summer Knight. I'd say I like number 2 the best so far. Thanks for dropping by.

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  3. I've read all of the Dresdens except for the soon-to-be-released Skin Game. Thanks for everyone's comments and feedback. I was worried about the length myself - to be honest I was surprised when I first realized how short it ended up. The story came to a very satisfying conclusion to me, and I've always followed the "never go back and pad for length" mantra, particularly because I've written books of 210K (now split into 120 and 120, and yes those don't add up), 99K, 78K, and (now) 55K. I'll see about revisiting certain areas to see if there are parts of the story I didn't tell.

    ReplyDelete