|Fountain on the deck I have to clean all the time.|
Nine is my lucky number (not that it has been particularly lucky), and in celebration I am brightening up this query teardown with flower pictures from my yard. You may not know this about me, but I love to garden. Or well, I love to look at my garden and plan to pull weeds someday.
|That's a rose bush to the right.|
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
Eighteen-year-old Lexi Garner is a lonely alien hidden in the donated body of a once suicidal human teenager. This got my attention. Maybe a little more clarity on whether the donated bodies are actually dead--human teenager suicide victim versus once suicidal.
Lexi's race can't survive Earth's climate without donated bodies, but nobody uses the words suicide or euthanasia anymore. Not since the aliens proved they can cure heart disease, lung disease and cancer up to stage IV. Cure by habiting inside someone or cure with advanced technology? What happens to the human inside? Their soul is gone? Healing depression is impossible, but by possessing a body, they can make the pain disappear forever. I think I'd rather live with the pain. Depression can go away over time.
Most humans are grateful, but fear of the unknown has led to dozens of alien murders. So Lexi conceals her true nature identity? Nature implies her personality, not her race., even when she falls for her human classmate Garrett. Garrett is the name I used for my YA dystopian hero. See subjective, if I was an agent, I'd be paying more attention. Craving intimacy, she links her thoughts to his and is overwhelmed by an unexpected depression. Visions of Garrett dead Or 'resorting to suicide' Otherwise it sounds like the aliens kill him for being depressed. or donating his own body haunt her.
With Garrett's mental health declining, Lexi must choose between healing him—if it's even possible—or supporting providing? her race
with another opportunity for survival. Suddenly, keeping secrets is more important than ever, but now it's from her own endangered species—a species vigilant enough to notice her betrayal. And desperate enough to ensure it will never happen again. Nice sum up of the stakes. Now I'm getting the aliens are ruthless. Maybe use ruthless instead of desperate. I can't say how agents feel about incomplete sentences, but the last one worries me.
ROGUE HEALER is a YA light science-fiction novel complete at 80K words. It stands alone and has series potential. I assume light because it is set on an Earth like ours.
I grew up in Michigan and now live with my husband and children in Germany. By day, I work as a project manager, and I'm an active member of SCBWI. Hi, neighbor. I'm in Indiana! Oh, a SCBWI member, that is relevant. (I've been too cheap to join.) Maybe cut the rest because it doesn't relate to writing. Some agents like a little background and some don't. So hard to judge.
Interesting plot and a nice sum up. There are a few things I'm not getting from this query. Why are the aliens there? What are they getting out of it besides a chance to live on fabulous earth? Did their own world blow up like Krypton That should go in the first sentence I believe.
And what happens to the donated humans? Are they technically dead?
Does 'cure cancer' mean by inhabiting the sick person? Is so, I'm not so sure this is an advantage for the humans. Make it clearer whether the aliens inhabit sick people or just depressed people.
This sounds interesting. It does sound a little like the Host so be sure to show how it's different. I was also wo during why the aliens have come to earth. Do they not have bodies of their own?ReplyDelete
Thank you so much for your comments, Michelle and Nicole! If you happen to have a moment, I reworded the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. Does it help make the body possession aspect clearer?ReplyDelete
Eighteen-year-old Lexi Garner is a lonely alien hidden in the donated body of a once suicidal human teenager.
When Lexi's race fled to Earth, they created a catalogue of diseases they're able to heal, depression being one of the few exceptions. But since body donation provides the only chance of survival for the aliens, society has come to accept it as a way of ending a suicidal person's life.
Grateful for the healing aspect, humans have agreed to the deal, but fear of the unknown has led to dozens of alien murders. So Lexi conceals...
This answers most of my questions. I have a little tweak if you don't mind:ReplyDelete
When Lexi's race fled to Earth, they offered a catalogue of diseases they're able to heal, serious depression being one of the few exceptions. But their bodies can't survive Earth's climate, body donation provides the only chance of survival for the aliens. Society has come to grudgingly accept it as a way of ending a suicidal person's life.
Created made me think at first that the aliens had created the diseases. I added serious to show they don't grab up every sad person they find. I added grudgingly to show this is a trade off. The humans allow it in exchange for the medical help.
Thanks a lot, Michelle!ReplyDelete
I love SyFy and this sounds really cool. I would love to hear some of your world building, I know it is set on Earth, but I kind of hear some changes--technology, medicine, and socially. I think, my opinion only, an agent interested in this genre would want a hint of what will be explained in your MS. Good luck and thanks for sharing.ReplyDelete