Monday, February 10, 2014

Ciritique Workshop #5: RAGNOR'S BANE

Title: EBONY BOOK 1: RAGNOR'S BANE
Genre: YA Fantasy 
Word Count: 90,500

Query: 

     Greetings, Sun Vs. Snow! I am very excited to be participating in this event.  

          Ebony Havenworth was only pretending to be an assassin. She never wanted to kill anyone. She wanted to leave the stifling confines of her town with its girls who only dreamt of marriage and the bullies who told Ebony she was strange. Become a proper bard. Flirt.

But her hometown is put under a Dark spell by the tyrant Fae King, and the only hope of saving it is to stop him.

Ebony is drawn into a plan. She will become a false assassin beside a sword-carrying tailor and a sullen wizard. Two teenagers that will help her draw the King’s attention away from the real rebels behind the scenes. If she can stop the boys from trying to kill each other, they might just carry off the farce.

Ebony plans to cast a few spells – even though she was forbidden long ago from ever performing magic again. Lift the curse on her home, then move on.

The problem is, the Fae don’t play pretend.

RAGNOR’S BANE is set in a medieval world but written with more modern sensibilities and dialogue. The book is the first in a planned trilogy detailing her rise to fame, her sometimes misguided experiences with love, and her struggle to stay away from Dark powers herself.

This story is in submission to other agents and publishers at this time. I am unpublished. I am starting as an intern in the Editing department of the Philadelphia Art Museum this week. I write a flash fiction blog and have been previously featured twice on fantasy author R.B. Wood’s THE WORD COUNT PODCAST.


First 250 words:

 YEAR 1515
CHAPTER ONE: The End of Most Things

That evening, sounds reverberated deeper and truer than the ragged cliff edges that surrounded the Valley. Mountain pines and birches shuddered restlessly to this strange music. They danced with the magic of approaching harvest time, moonlit nights, and festivals. 

Near the gates of Cross Haven, inside the timeworn log-beamed pub, the song murmured of the coming autumn like a promise.  Or a threat.

The lyrics were long forgotten to the ages.  The only thing that remained was the cool hum of the harp.

Her hands descended slowly from the strings, and Ebony Havenworth opened her eyes.  Conversations buzzed around her.

One man inclined his head in her direction, and another clapped against the tabletop.  She didn’t mind that no one else seemed to be paying attention.  It meant that they didn’t notice her mistakes.  She hated making mistakes. 

She studied the inside of the tavern, counting each familiar face.

Ebony tallied two outsiders today.  They were holed up in one of the back booths, but they stood out like an untuned string.  Their hooded faces gave them an air of mystery, of danger.  Ebony felt a secret thrill. They could be from the Guild, she thought.  Wizards.

One of the strangers looked up.

Ebony gasped and flicked her eyes downward, stifling a giggle with her hand.  It wouldn’t do to be caught staring at people, wizards or not.

“Wot’s so funny?”   The Blacksmith’s apprentice, David, smiled at her from the other side of the harp.

21 comments:

  1. It's probably bad luck to be the first to comment on your own query, but I wanted to add:

    I heard recently that agents like to see if you have other work connected to your books. Like artwork or music. Anyone know if this is true?? And if so, I should link them to my soundtrack which is going up slowly onto Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/juliamaestaley/ebony-soundtrack-first

    Okay, I'll let you all do your thing now.

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    1. Agents have responded to this question in my Query Questions interviews. They don't mind if there are links in your email signature, not in the query. But they probably won't click on them unless they are already interested in you.

      Delete
  2. Hi Julia,

    On an initial query Agents don't like to have to follow links to find bits of your work - I would stick to a straight query for your book and then introduce the music if someone has expressed an interest in seeing more.

    I like your query opening: Ebony was only pretending to be an assassin. She never wanted to kill anyone - It makes for an interesting set-up. Maybe you could go on with '... all she wanted to leave the stifling confines of her town with its girls who only dreamt of marriage and its bullies who told Ebony she was strange.' and cut there?

    The other thing I've learnt recently is that agents are interested in possible sequels but like to know that it can be a 'stand alone' book. Maybe you should mention that.


    Good luck, Gina

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  3. Hi Julia,

    I know we've walk about this before, but I really love your character's voice here, especially where you see things like that she hates making mistakes. It shows her personality. Overall, I like all of the first 250, and I would keep reading.

    In the query, I don't think you need to mention that the story is being submitted to other agents, because they'll assume that. Stating that you're sending it to small publishers can actually hurt you - agents want authors to pick a path and stick with it. You can also skip mentioning that you're unpublished. I agree with selling it as a stand-alone book.

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    1. Haaaaaai!

      Thanks for the query input. I don't know that we got to go over that before!

      Delete
  4. I think I've seen both your query and your first 250 workshopped separately elsewhere, and it's really neat to see them put together! It was an "Ooooh!" moment for me. :)

    Query - I love the opening - only pretending to be an assassin gets my attention immediately.

    The tense shift from the first paragraph to the second throws me off, though -- I'd pick a tense and stay with it.

    I think you could cut "with its girls who only dreamt of marriage and the bullies who told Ebony she was strange" to get to the good stuff faster. Stifling confines of the town gets us the feeling we need, and I'm betting those girls dreaming of marriage and bullies are not all that crucial to the plot except as a push factor to get Ebony out of there -- and besides, it might undermine the stakes, since if her town is such a lame place one might wonder why she cares that it's under a dark spell.

    I think in another version of this I might have seen a mention that there actually are no rebels to draw attention from? I really liked that as a cool twist that made her straits sound more desperate, so if I'm remembering right, I'd suggest putting that back in there.

    I might change the . after "sullen wizard" to a dash, to avoid a sentence fragment in the folowing sentence.

    Love the line "The problem is, the Fae don't play pretend."

    I would leave out the second to last paragraph (where you talk about it fitting into a trilogy in detail) and just put in a phrase in your genre/wordcount sentence that it's part of a trilogy. If the first book can stand alone, I've read that it's better to say it's a standalone novel "with series potential," since it's hard to commit to a trilogy before you know if the first book will sell.

    First 250 - I commented on this when you were workshopping it on Nat's page, and I love your current revision! I think this is hugely improved. I'm not sure I have anything to add this time around.

    Good luck!!!

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    1. Long time no see!

      Argh, tense! I swear tenses are out to kill me. I don't know why I make mistakes with that, as I EDIT for a job but honestly I miss it in my own work all the time.

      Yeah there's always been an issue with stakes in the town. She is very close to her adopted mother, and that later on is a big factor for why she wants to save the town. I think it's the wanting to save her mother thing. Maybe I should mention that??

      Yes, when they get to the rendevouz point, all the supposed "rebels" that were going to help them never show. I can toss in a sentence about that if you think it will help.

      If you check out below I have alternates for the first 250. Just tell me if there is one that makes you go: ooo, I wouldn't be able to put this down. That's what I care about!!

      I will comment on Dreamwalkers later - I must actually do work or my boss will kill me. :)

      PS if you ever have time, offer to join the email critique still stands!

      Delete
  5. Great story idea!
    Query:
    I agree with the other comments about not linking to anything. I think that is a conversation that comes much later - when you're being offered representation!!
    Also, I agree that you should present this as a standalone book and leave the series part for later discussion - agents are leery of series now because they are "played out" (Hunger Games, Twilight, Allegiant, etc.) Also - unless an agent has specifically requested information about whether this is a multiple submission, I wouldn't discuss it.
    I also love the "didn't mean to be an assassin" line - fun, hooky, great choice. I think the lines that follow are too wordy though, and could use some cutting, The suggestions you've already gotten for that are good. Actually, I think the line about being forbidden to do magic is important - also a very hooky line. Any way to work it into the first paragraph?
    Then you get us into the stakes and what she really wants -- to save her hometown. But this is a little confusing too, as you've already told us she wants to escape it. Why does she want to save it if she hates it?
    First 250 -
    Very lyrical prose, evocative - I like it. I would beware describing too much though in the opening scene. Adverbs can help AND hurt!! The line where she gasps, flicks her eyes down, and giggles -- I think you can lose the gasping. You want your writing to be lean there so the giggle has the intended effect.
    Good luck!
    Heather (EXQUISITE SENSES)

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    1. Heather, for the first line of the query, maybe: 15 year old Ebony Havenworth only pretended to be an assassin. She never wanted to kill anyone. And she never intended to cast any of the spells she was forbidden to perform long ago. (Clunky but you get the idea, I'll tweak it.)

      She wants to save her adopted mother. I need to put that in there. She really doesn't get along with many other people there, but it IS her home.

      I wrote alternates to the first 250 below, if you have a second, let me know if you think any of those are better! Thank you so much for your input!!

      Delete
  6. This query lacks the specific details that can entice. There are so many fantasy queries that you need to play up what is unique about yours and not hide it.

    Ebony Havenworth (You need an age here for a YA. )was only pretending to be an assassin. She never wanted to kill anyone. She wanted to leave the stifling confines of her town with its girls who only dreamt of marriage and the bullies who told Ebony she was strange. Become a proper bard. Flirt. (I was buying this until the flirt part. Doesn’t that make her like all the other girls she just complained about?)

    But her hometown is put under a Dark spell by the tyrant Fae King, and the only hope of saving it is to stop him. (Dark spell is generic. It doesn’t tell us anything. What EXACTLY is wrong with the town now. Are they asleep? Are they zombies? Are they upside-down? It could be anything. Specifics entice.)

    Ebony is drawn into a plan. She will become a false assassin beside a sword-carrying tailor and a sullen wizard. Two teenagers that(who) will help her draw the King’s attention away from the real rebels behind the scenes. (Why? Why does she need to draw attention away from the real rebels? What do the rebels have to do with it?) If she can stop the boys from trying to kill each other, they might just carry off the farce.

    Ebony plans to cast a few spells – even though she was forbidden long ago from ever performing magic again. Lift the curse on her home, then move on.

    The problem is, the Fae don’t play pretend. (This doesn’t give me the stakes. It’s also generic. What will happen if she succeeds; what bad thing will happen if she fails.)

    RAGNOR’S BANE is set in a medieval world but written with more modern sensibilities and dialogue. The book is the first in a planned trilogy detailing her rise to fame, her sometimes misguided experiences with love, and her struggle to stay away from Dark powers herself. (Too much telling. The book is the first of a planned trilogy, but can stand alone.)

    This story is in submission to other agents and publishers at this time. I am unpublished. (First part can be cut as it’s understood.) I am starting as (cut ‘am starting as’) an intern in the Editing department of the Philadelphia Art Museum this week (cut ‘this week’). (keep this bit.) I write a flash fiction blog and have been previously featured twice on fantasy author R.B. Wood’s THE WORD COUNT PODCAST. (Keep this.)

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    1. QUERY EDIT:

      Dear Magnanimous Agent God,

      15 year old Ebony Havenworth only pretended to be an assassin. She never wanted to kill anyone. She never wanted to cast the spells forbidden to her long ago.

      (still awkward, I’ll tweak it.)

      All she dreamed was to leave the stifling confines of her hometown.

      But it is put under a spell that freezes it in time, and the only hope of saving her adopted mother is to confront the tyrant King of the Fae.


      Ebony is drawn into a plan. She will become a false assassin beside a sword carrying tailor and a sullen wizard - two teenagers who will help her draw the King’s attention away from the real rebels. The rebels will surprise the King with an attack; Ebony can lift the spell on her home and move on.

      If she can stop the boys from trying to kill each other, they might just carry off the farce.

      The problem is, the Fae don’t play pretend, and the real rebels never show.

      Ebony and her friends are left as the only ones still willing to fight, and the Black Flame is coming for them.

      (Or the Gabbot is coming for them, or ancient monsters are coming for them… there are several. Not sure how much specifics will help or hurt here.)

      RAGNOR’S BANE is set in a medieval world but written with more modern sensibilities and dialogue. The book is the first of a planned trilogy, but can stand alone.

      I am an intern in the Editing department of the Philadelphia Art Museum. I write a flash fiction blog and have been previously featured twice on fantasy author R.B. Wood’s THE WORD COUNT PODCAST.

      Thank you for your time and consideration,

      JMS

      Delete
  7. Nothing wrong with this besides being a little stiff at first. It lightened up when you got to Ebony. What worries me is this section doesn't entice so much. Nothing really stands out or catches the attention. Now if the strangers did something...

    First 250 words:

    YEAR 1515
    CHAPTER ONE: The End of Most Things

    That evening, sounds reverberated deeper and truer than the ragged cliff edges that surrounded the Valley. Mountain pines and birches shuddered restlessly(cut ‘restlessly’) to this strange music. They danced with the magic of approaching harvest time, moonlit nights, and festivals. (It feels stiff, like the author is trying too hard. As the sun sank, sound vibrated deep and true to the ragged cliff edges that surrounded the valley. Lower case on valley unless it’s the town’s name. )

    Near the gates of Cross Haven, inside the timeworn log-beamed pub, the song murmured of the coming autumn like a promise. Or a threat.

    The lyrics were long forgotten to the ages. The only thing that remained was the cool hum of the harp.(So the sound is coming from the pub? Seems like a very romanticized/roundabout way to put it. I’m afraid it might seem too old fashioned to many agents.)

    Her hands descended slowly(cut ‘slowly’) from the strings, and Ebony Havenworth opened her eyes. Conversations buzzed around her. (Don’t use adverbs unless they add/change the meaning of the sentence. Slowly doesn’t.)

    One man inclined his head in her direction, and another clapped against the tabletop. She didn’t mind that no one else seemed to be paying attention. (Avoid ‘seemed’ It weakens. … no one else paid attention.) It meant that they didn’t notice her mistakes. She hated making mistakes.

    She studied (filtering but not a bad use of it) the inside of the tavern, counting each familiar face.

    Ebony tallied two outsiders today. They were holed up in one of the back booths, but they stood out like an untuned string. Their hooded faces gave them an air of mystery, of danger. Ebony felt a secret thrill. They could be from the Guild, she thought. Wizards.

    One of the strangers looked up.

    Ebony gasped and flicked her eyes downward, stifling a giggle with her hand. It wouldn’t do to be caught staring at people, wizards or not.

    “Wot’s so funny?” The Blacksmith’s apprentice, David, smiled at her from the other side of the harp.

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  8. I don't have time right now to respond to everybody individually for thank yous - but tomorrow night I will most likely be snowed in and bored. Really quickly: Would you all recommend starting later in the 250 words? I've gone back and forth with edits where it starts in the pub with Ebony, but I was never sure if I liked it as a starting point. If I do start right with her lowering her hands, this is the 250 words instead:

    The song murmured of the coming autumn like a promise. Or a threat.
    Her hands descended from the strings, and Ebony Havenworth opened her eyes. Conversations buzzed around her.
    One man inclined his head in her direction, and another clapped against the tabletop. She didn’t mind that no one else was paying attention. It meant that they didn’t notice her mistakes. She hated making mistakes.
    Ebony tallied two outsiders today. They were holed up in one of the back booths, but they stood out like an unturned string. Their hooded faces gave them an air of mystery, of danger. Ebony felt a secret thrill. They could be from the Guild, she thought. Wizards.
    One of the strangers looked up.
    Ebony flicked her eyes downward, stifling a giggle with her hand. It wouldn’t do to be caught staring at people, wizards or not.
    “Wot’s so funny?” The Blacksmith’s apprentice, David, smiled at her from the other side of the harp.
    She returned the smile easily. David was handsome, but not her “tailored-made man,” as the old wives would say. She didn’t know what her type was, exactly, but she knew it wasn’t any of the men in Cross Haven.
    “I’ll tell you why I laughed if you give me a copper penny for the next song.” She plucked a string.
    He snorted and waved his silver beer mug at her. “Gotta save every penny for the drink, luv. Me and the boys are going out hunting tonight.”


    ~*~
    I should also add that very soon, like in the next three paragraphs, a really unpleasant man sits next to her and starts tormenting her. I also have thought about cutting this bit with David (whose purpose here is to show not everyone in town is afraid of her magic and to give some exposition about why the Fae are so bad.) If I start with the grumpy guy instead, it's more of a tense moment. I don't know. The start is always always the hardest part for me. I've been really stressed over this so I am so thankful Michelle is giving us the opportunity to work in depth like this. I really need input from a group of people that's not my local writer's group that's heard it 800 times already!!

    I've offered this before to Laura on Nat's blog, but if anybody would be interested in starting some sort of forum or email based critique group, even if it's just in pairs, one part at a time, I would totally be up for it. I need it, bad! All this input has really helped and I'm sure it's helped you guys with your work, too.

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    1. There's no harm in having two different versions of your opening page. One for contests where you only see the 250 and a more relaxed version for querying where agents ask for several pages. Just remember you want to raise interest as soon as you can with something eye catching or unique.

      I like this version better which leaves out so much description of the surroundings and gets to the action. I like the part about hating mistakes. Great personal detail. But my subjective opinion is this still doesn't stand out after reading hundreds of opening pages. I'm not sure it would capture attention in a contest. If it's part of a longer sample (querying) it might be a different story.

      Maybe post another version without David so we can judge.

      Delete
  9. In this version I also temporarily cut the fact the strangers were hooded. Laura pointed out to me in another workshop that it was too cliche, but I had them hooded for a reason- she meets them later and doesn't recognize them from the pub. BUT for the sake of getting an agent's attention from the get go, perhaps it would be better if I left out this detail. I'm trying to cut it down to the bare bones and characters now, although I don't want to sacrifice Ebony's personality as a result!

    * = thoughts because I can't format this, hah.

    The song murmured of the coming autumn like a promise. Or a threat.
    Her hands descended from the strings, and Ebony Havenworth opened her eyes.
    One man inclined his head in her direction, and another clapped against the tabletop. She didn’t mind that no one else was paying attention. It meant that they didn’t notice her mistakes. She hated making mistakes.
    Ebony tallied two outsiders today, holed up in one of the back leather booths. They stood out like an unturned string. Ebony felt a secret thrill. *They could be wizards from the Guild,* she thought.
    “What are ye’ playin’, anyway? Ain’t good mountain songs. They sound queer to me.”
    Old Thomas Merriwin sat down at the bar beside her.
    He thumped a copper coin onto the bartop. Beer usually cost at least two.
    *What a tightfist,* Ebony thought.
    He already stank of alcohol, and the scent of it washed over her in a wave.
    *Cheap and in need of a bath.*
    “They’re ancient,” Ebony explained, “older than the mountain songs. Some would say they’re *more* right and proper on a night like tonight.”
    The soldier sneered and sloshed his beer over the countertop as he leaned over his other arm. It was probably the only thing keeping him up. “Ye’re just a woman. What d’ye’ know about what songs are ‘right and proper?’”
    “I studied under a Master Bard.” Her ire rose.
    Merriwin barked out a low laugh. “Women don’t become Bards,” he said. “Ye belong in a house, making a man dinner.”
    ~*~

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  10. Hi, Julia. I was one of the sun vs. snow contestants, trying to pay forward advice given to me—hope my feedback is useful, but feel free to ignore anything I say that doesn't resonate.

    I'm going to skip over commenting on your query (for now) because the first page seems to be generating more issues.

    First--I actually read your newest version first, but I think you lost a thing or two in the swift cuts. Primarily, I was quite lost as to where Ebony was and what she was doing. I read your first version, and while I think cutting the long sweep in was a good move, it got lost along the way that Ebony is in a tavern. So if you keep something like the newest version, consider squeezing in somehow that she's playing music in a tavern.

    But--regarding the more overarching problems, I still don't think your latest version works that well. So, since you keep coming back to engage, I'm going to ask you a few questions to see if there's a different opening (and there might not be) that might better highlight what makes your book unique and worth reading. At the very least, the questions might help you pinpoint what you want to get across in your opening. Maybe you've already thought about these things, but they helped me a lot with my opening. So--

    1.) What is unique about your main character? What about her makes her someone we should want to follow for 90,000 words? I'm suspecting her musical talents make her special, but I'm not so much talking talents as I am personality. Is she super sweet and adorable, and that's why we'll like her? Is she witty? Is she sincere?
    2.) Are there any unique situations she gets into? What kind of problems does she typically face? Is there anything that gives her minor trouble now that later has huge impact on the story? Is there anything that gives her trouble now that has to do with why she's the heroine of this story and not someone else?
    3.) What is the moment in which everything changes—the moment that kicks off the story? This is probably not going to be on the first page, but it should be relatively soon, and I'm just curious where it is this is generally heading.

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    1. ACK Almost forgot some important things:

      She's also unique because she will go out wandering in the middle of the night, a time when usually only the Fae are out, and it freaks all the other villagers out.

      She also looks different than the other village children- she's a bastard child from an unknown stranger/father/wizard, and she's lithe and pale while the other girls are all broad and darker skinned. She stands out like a sore thumb.

      Delete
  11. Ellie,

    Wow! Very insightful commentary, thank you.

    I'm not sure if you actually want me to answer these questions or if I should take it rhetorically, but I can!

    1) She's an orphan but she was raised by a loving (albeit strict) mother. I think that's important because so many stories make the character's life hell when they're young. She has a happy home life, even though she's bullied. She's naiive, she longs for adventure, she acts tough but she doesn't yet know her own potential. She lies to hide her feelings sometimes but is usually open - very open, which shocks some of the more proper characters. She trusts people a little too easy, and is incredibly loyal. She grows a lot in the process. She talks back to royalty, as we find out, and is brave. Social constraints don't matter to her, even in her world where they do. She thinks everybody should be treated the same. She mothers her friends a lot, as time goes on, and helps heal even though she gets sick at the sight of blood.

    NOTE ON THIS: I used to have scenes between her and her mother but then it took too long to get to the action. I do miss their relationship, though, and flashbacks during the narrative aren't possible because apparently agents "hate" flashbacks, so it's just a part I killed. I also killed the relationship with her best friend in town, because again, it took too long to get anywhere in the narrative.

    2) Typically? People in town are a bit scared of her, so she has to avoid getting into any rows with the local kids or even the adults. She's been forbidden to do magic because she once cast a spell that hurt another child when she was young and they all sealed her magic away for the time being. But it likes to try and creep out- and that's about to happen after this 250 word selection.

    She is kicked out of her Apprenticeship in the next section because she almost casts a spell on Thomas Merriwin. Then while walking home she gets attacked by a monster and learns she can do spells she didn't even know she could do. She has to escape the next morning when Imperial Guards show up. Her companions lie to her, and don't tell her the King is looking for a female Bard that can do magic, so she sneaks her harp with them even though they tell her not to - which ends up getting her nearly caught later on. She also faces some big baddies in the next two chapters that end up being big characters later. She's the unfortunate product of what she thinks is mistaken identity. The king singles her out because of an old Legend, and she's targeted because of it. Whether the legend is true or not ends up not mattering because she still has to be the one to stand up to the king, regardless.

    3) Probably when she is chased by the monster at the start of chapter two, which is soon, yes. I tested starting there once, and it's just too hectic. She's running through the woods, we don't even know who she is yet, and it's just not effective for learning about her character. It is the first moment she is singled out though, before we even know why.

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  12. I'm a little late to the party and it looks like there's already been great feedback on this one.

    What hooked me about this one is the premise that the main character and her friends are never meant to directly save the day. They are decoys. The B team. This instantly wants me to read on. It has a strong first sentence about the main character "pretending" to be an assassin. Love it!

    Now, when I first read the line at the end, "The problem is, the Fae don’t play pretend," at first I wanted more. But then I thought about it and what this might imply and really mean. Will the ragtag little group save the day? The statement hints that there is more to the story, and I want to know how it unfolds.

    What I appreciated the most about the writing was the way that the main character's personality was revealed. An example of this was the comment about her not liking to make mistakes. I would definitely want to read on.

    Good luck,

    Shawn

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    1. Thank you, Shawn!

      So I think what I'm getting from this is, you would have liked more detail as to what else there is in the story? Which is precisely what I am working on now in the query! Thanks for the input. ~JM

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