Monday, February 10, 2014

Critique Workshop #1 EXQUISITE SENSES

Title: EXQUISITE SENSES
Genre: YA Speculative/Thriller
Word Count: 86,000
 
Query:
 
16-year-old Leila creates random music out of thin air when she’s upset. Her best friend Dane, also 16, hears what other people aren’t saying. It’s all brand new and pretty freaking weird. They’re trying to figure out how and why this is happening to them when Dane’s mother Tara is kidnapped - an attack they barely escape themselves. Now the kidnappers are hunting them, and to understand why (and survive the manhunt), they must uncover the family secrets that tie them – and their talents - to their pursuers. Murder, tragedy, groundbreaking science, and bad pharmaceuticals are just the beginning.
Both Leila and Dane narrate their flight from a snowy Minnesota farmhouse  to Peru’s ancient ruins, where learn that they have only 48 hours to unravel the kidnappers’ plans or Tara will never come home. But they can’t do anything until they escape from underground Peru – and trigger Leila’s newest and most powerful talent.
EXQUISITE SENSES, a YA Speculative/Thriller, is complete at 86,000 words.
 
First 250
LEILA
The crowd in the hall finally thinned. I slipped out of the practice room where I’d been hiding and quickly opened my locker, hoping I’d succeeded at avoiding my friends. They were all waiting for me to talk about it.

I just wasn’t ready to discuss my Humiliation (but not Heartbreak) at the Hands of the Hose bag, Antonio. Alliterative agony. I’d been dodging them, and they knew it. The nice thing about best friends is, they let you do that.

I closed my locker door and was trying to find the will to go to class when he slithered up behind me.

Pleasepleaseplease.

so did not want to do this right now.

“Leila.” 

I sighed heavily and turned to face him.

And there it was again – the song. Shocking, loud, filling all the space around and between us. The same song that blasted me when I was crying in the shower this morning. The one about fire and burning and tears.

The temperature in the hall rose about 20 degrees.

Antonio Ruiz gazed up at the PA speakers and then into my locker. The song pulsed with rage. I could feel the tiled floor vibrating under my feet, sending shockwaves of rhythm and keening fury up my spine.

“You’ve got your speakers in here now?” He shouted above the din.

I coughed violently, like I’d been punched, and the song fell abruptly away, leaving behind a sticky, uneasy quiet.

11 comments:

  1. I think this is an interesting premise, and from what you have I would want to keep reading. Suggestions:
    Spell out all the numbers. I don't think you should italicize the "how" and "why." Not sure if you should be more explicit about the connection between their talents and the science. It sounds like somehow these kids (or their parents?) took some experimental drugs with these talents as a side effect. I wouldn’t say Dane’s mother’s name-I forgot she was Tara by the second paragraph. What does “underground Peru” mean-can you be more specific? Not sure I believe two 16yo's can get there on their own.

    I would tighten this sentence by leaving out the "understand" phrase and "--'s": Now the kidnappers are hunting them, and to survive the manhunt, they must uncover the family secrets that tie them, and their talents, to their pursuers. Murder, tragedy, groundbreaking science, and bad pharmaceuticals are just the beginning. [A lot going on in this sentence;I might leave out "tragedy."]

    Really, the music from nowhere thing is a good hook for me. I enjoyed the 250 and liked the "uneasy quiet" but why is it "sticky?" Also, on your alliteration, I'd take out the caps. Hope this helps!

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  2. What an intriguing, story and title! I like the unusual power Leila has, though I'd like you to play it up a bit more in those first 250 words. If I hadn't read the query I don't think I'd get it. Have her react to the sound, covering her ears, grimacing or shaking her head. As it's written the music could very well be coming from speakers.
    In the second sentence, I don't see the point of saying 'alliterative agony' unless that's part of her power or that she speaks in alliteration all the time.
    In rereading this, I feel like you could begin with the line, I closed my locker door ......when Antonio slithered up to me. (great verb). You can add the part about avoiding her friends later.
    I think Antonio's reaction could be stronger. "Hey, what's going on? Where's that coming from?" Show us his reaction.
    You have one minor mishap in the second paragraph of the query where you left out the word 'they'.
    Your query definitely got my attention and I'd be very curious to read more of this story. The connection between Leila and Dane grabbed me and I'd love to see how it all plays out. Good luck.

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    Replies
    1. mg historical fiction Amanda Hardy's Tea Party

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  3. I think you have an enticing opening to your query. I would take out Dana's age and her mother's name. I'd keep the query focused on Leila, regardless of the dual POV. Also, I'd break up the first paragraph after "they barely escape themselves." Also, I was a bit confused about the family secrets, because the way it is worded it sounded like Dana and Leila are related.

    As for the opening, I found the first paragraph too vague. Saying "school hallway" and what kind of practice room would help. I also didn't catch what her friends wanted to talk about and her humiliation. All I know is that it has to do with Antonio. Once he shows up, I was hooked. But I would suggest saying his name when he slithers behind her.

    Good luck!

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  4. Here's my two cents:

    Query:

    16-year-old Leila creates random music out of thin air when she’s upset. Her best friend Dane, also 16, hears what other people aren’t saying. (Not sure this is needed. There are a lot of names happening.) It’s all brand new and pretty freaking weird. They’re trying to figure out how and why this is happening to them when Dane’s mother Tara is kidnapped - an attack they barely escape themselves. Now the kidnappers are hunting them, and to understand why (and survive the manhunt), they must uncover the family secrets that tie them – and their talents - to their pursuers. Murder, tragedy, groundbreaking science, and bad pharmaceuticals are just the beginning.

    (Random music appears out of thin air when 16-year-old Leila is upset. It’s all brand new and freakin’ weird. Then her best friend Dane hears what people aren’t saying. Before they can make sense of it, Dane’s mother is kidnapped in an attack they barely escape. They’re being hunted and must uncover the family secrets that tie them-and their talents to the bad guys.)

    Both Leila and Dane narrate their flight from a snowy Minnesota farmhouse to Peru’s ancient ruins, where learn that they have only 48 hours to unravel the kidnappers’ plans or Tara will never come home. But they can’t do anything until they escape from underground Peru – and trigger Leila’s newest and most powerful talent. (You lapse into telling and lose the specifics here.)

    (Their flight leads from a snowy Minnesota farmhouse to Peru’s ancient ruins. They have forty-eight to unravel the kidnapping or Dane’s mother will never come home. But they are bound to fail unless they can trigger Leila’s most powerful talent.)

    EXQUISITE SENSES, a YA Speculative/Thriller, is complete at 86,000 words.

    First 250
    LEILA
    The crowd in the hall finally(cut the ‘ly) thinned. I slipped out of hiding in the practice room and opened my locker, hoping I’d succeeded at avoiding my friends. They were all waiting for me to talk about it.

    I just wasn’t ready to discuss my Humiliation (but not Heartbreak) at the Hands of the Hose bag, Antonio. Alliterative agony(Not sure what this is about. Try: Despite my skills with alliterative, I preferred dodging them and they knew it.) . I’d been dodging them, and they knew it. The nice thing about best friends is, they let you do that.

    I closed my locker door and was trying to find the will (and tried to summon the will) to go to class when he slithered up behind me.

    Pleasepleaseplease.

    I so did not want to do this right now.

    “Leila.”

    I sighed heavily and turned to face him (Maybe cut to face him or change to my Humiliation).

    And there it was again – the song. Shocking, loud, filling all the space around and (Maybe cut ‘around and’) between us. The same song that blasted me when I was crying in the shower this morning. The one about fire and burning and tears.

    The temperature in the hall rose about(‘about’ qualifies and thus weakens. Cut.) 20 degrees.

    Antonio Ruiz gazed up(cut ‘up’) at the PA speakers and then into my locker. The song pulsed with rage. I could feel(consider cutting ‘I could feel.’ It’s filtering.) the tiled floor vibrating under my feet, sending shockwaves of rhythm and keening fury up my spine.

    “You’ve got your speakers in here now?” He should be ‘he’ with a lower case) shouted above the din.

    I coughed violently(punched implies violently so cut it.), like I’d been punched, and the song fell abruptly away (the song cut off that takes care of ‘abruptly’ and ‘away.’), leaving behind a sticky, uneasy quiet.

    ReplyDelete
  5. What an interesting premise! "Murder, tragedy, groundbreaking science, and bad pharmaceuticals are just the beginning." This sentence kind of throws me. They all sound intriguing but maybe talk about one or two with a few details instead of just listing?
    I love the music coming from nowhere in the first two fifty but was a little confused by it even with the query. Maybe you say something that explains what's going on in the next words so this comment is unnecessary but if not, maybe give a little more reaction from MC.
    Good luck!!

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  6. Beautiful premise! I can't say I've ever heard of something like that before. Cool.

    A lot of what I was going to say, Michelle already said. HOWEVER I will try, or at least add another voice.

    In a query, try to leave out names of all except the two leads. It is painfully hard to do, and I am not sure that I even did that right, but the queries that work best don't have so many names in it. I can't keep track and was already getting lost when I read it.

    I know Julia above said not to list those things in a row, "murder, tragedy," etc, but honestly it made me chuckle. But yes, it's not really good to have that in your query. Show, don't tell.

    In the 250 words:

    I went to a music conservatory, so I knew instantly what a practice room was, but would anyone? Maybe specify. Is she at a college? High school? I know in the query you tell us her age but that first line is a great way to hint her age to the reader without outright stating it!

    Great verb usage by the way. "slithering", "thinned", "vibrating." The text really came alive.

    I agree the alliteration should be lowercase - you draw plenty of attention to that phrase without needing capitalization!

    I also agree I need to see her reaction to her powers. Does she have any reaction, or is it that the room just heats up and it's loud for a while? Does it make her tired? Or does it not even phase her anymore?

    That's all I can think of right now. Great story! I like the idea a lot.

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  7. Very interesting! This definitely has me intrigued.

    I think you don't need the italics in the query, and they come off a little weird to me. I'd keep them plain text.

    In the query, the only other thing I can think of that I might like to hear is a bit about what inner conflicts, drives, or goals the main characters have going in to the story, or some sense of how they grow as characters through it. I have a great sense that this will be an adventure with lots of danger and mystery, but I don't have much of a sense of what the characters are like other than their powers. More sense of character (and the inner obstacles/challenges they face) would help me identify with them more closely in the query.

    First 250 - I enjoyed the voice here, and you get right into interesting stuff! There's something about the pacing or rhythm of the first half that feels off to me, but unfortunately, I'm having trouble pinning it down. Maybe the alliteration feels forced because it comes in so early -- I feel like that might fit better in dialogue? Maybe because you skim so quickly through setting up that something big and humiliating just happened and I haven't had the chance to orient myself and get into the character's head. Not entirely sure. Sorry I can't be more specific!

    Good luck with this! It looks really neat!

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  8. I really like the premise you have going here and I thought the first 250 was well done. An opener with an incredibly awkward situation always grabs my attention, and all the better if it involves an uncontrollable special talent. I was impressed with the way you made me understand her talent in only 250 words.

    The query could use some work, though, as others have pointed out. I have to admit that I was confused the first time I read it. Everything clicked the second time, though. I’m not sure if that’s because of your word choice or because I wasn’t focusing enough. Also, there’s a word missing in the first sentence of the second paragraph—“where learn that they have” should be “where they learn that they have”.

    I would definitely keep reading!

    Best of luck,
    Heather
    (LOVE IS FAKE, YOU KNOW)

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  9. Very interesting premise. I love powers that are off the beaten path, and the character isn't really sure how to benefit from them. At first, it almost seems like a curse, but having your own personal backup band and soundtrack is really cool.

    Your query starts with such a bang. The random music is a great hook and i want to know more about Dane and why they both have powers. I think by leaving out details like Dane's age and his mother's name, you will add clarity to the query and enhance the flow.

    Montana to Peru? Do tell. I'm assuming that the powers are coming from an ancient Peruvian source. A few more details would help me make the jump.

    Now for the 250 words. You have a wonderfully distinctive writing style and voice.

    I'm not sure I would know what was going on if I hadn't read the query. Having read the query, I was able to fill gaps with ease and I knew exactly where you were going. Again, I made some assumptions about the scene and what the humiliation was. The speakers and PA system references confused me a bit. I thought she was projecting sound through the electronics.

    I agree there were great verb choices. They really helped paint the picture.

    Good luck,

    Shawn (DARKENWEAR)

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  10. This sounds really interesting! I think that the query is okay, maybe cut the third character's name to keep it a little more simple, like others have stated already. "Murder, tragedy, groundbreaking science, and bad pharmaceuticals are just the beginning." I think this is an awesome line! I think I might like it as the starting line, but that's just me :)

    I agree with the others that the first 250 is good, but a little vague. I know how hard it is to judge a book by the first 250 words, but Leila's reaction to the music seems a little down-played. I think it's interesting though and I would definitely read on!

    Good luck!

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