Saturday, February 15, 2014

Critique Workshop #11: NATALIE KNOZE

TITLE: NATALIE KNOZE [The Case of the Missing Teacher]
GENRE: MG Chapter Book : Mystery (3-4 grade)
WORD COUNT: 10,000 words
QUERY:
Dear Agent,
Ten-year-old, Natalie Knoze has always been intrigued by mysteries. But she never had a mystery of her own to solve…
Until Friday morning when Natalie and her best friend, Emma, stroll into Social Studies class revved up for a movie pick from their favorite teacher. But the teacher is missing. “A leave of absence,” is what know-it-all Eli informs them. Suddenly, Natalie realizes she and Emma have their first real live mystery to solve.
As the sleuth duo nose around for clues, get into trouble with the principal, and almost get lost, they discover that Mrs. Gold’s leave of absence is a not a missing person case after all but instead it’s a cause for celebration.
Natalie Knoze and The Case of the Missing Teacher combines the fun aspects of Nancy Clancy and the mystery solver in Nancy Drew in this new twist on a Middle Grade Chapter Book.

First 250: 

NATALIE KNOZE [The Case of the Missing Teacher]
Chapter 1 The Substitute
“Sit beside me during the movie,” Natalie said to Emma.
It was Friday morning and that meant movie day in Social Studies. Social Studies was Natalie and Emma’s favorite class. Mrs. Gold was awesome. She has gold hair, just like her name. She traveled all over the world before coming to Pebble Creek Elementary. And every Friday, she would bring a movie from her own collection for us to watch.
“I wonder what movie Mrs. Gold has for us today,” Emma asked.
In her best Sherlock Holmes impression, Natalie said “I hope it’s another mystery movie. Those are the coolest.”
“Me, too,” Emma agreed.
Natalie and Emma giggled as they walked into Room 10. The two girls had been best friends since first grade. That was when Emma’s mom threw a Clue party for Emma’s sixth birthday. A Clue party is a game that let’s everyone be a sleuth as they search for clues to find out the truth of a crime. Natalie and Emma were the best sleuth’s at the party.
“Guess what?” Eli said. “Mrs. Gold isn’t here. She took a leave of absence.” Eli thought he knew everything about everything. But in reality, all he knew how to do was ease drop on everyone’s conversion.
“A leave of absence! What for?” Natalie asked.
“Don’t know, no body’s talking,” Eli shrugged and dashed off to his seat.
“But…but…but…what about movie Friday?” Emma asked.
“No movie today, today we will be talking about the revolutionary war and why it was important to America,” a woman with a gray-haired bun on top of her head said. “Everyone take your seat, I am Miss Grimes. I will be your substitute teacher while Mrs. Gold is away.”
“You know what this means!” Natalie whispered to Emma. “We have our first real case to solve. To find Mrs.  Gold!”

8 comments:

  1. This looks like a fun read. Love the character's name.

    I've copy/pasted your query below and I've written my comments in caps to make them easier to see (not yell at you.)

    Ten-year-old, Natalie Knoze [[has always been intrigued by--LOVES?]]] mysteries. [[But she never had a mystery of her own to solve…AND UNTIL NOW SHE'S NEVER HAD ONE OF HER OWN TO SOLVE....?????
    [[Until--I SUGGEST DELETING AND GETTING TO THE THICK OF IT RIGHT AWAY]]] ONE FRIDAY MORNING NATALIE AND HER BEST FRIEND, EMMA, STROLL...Friday morning when Natalie and her best friend, Emma, stroll into Social Studies class revved up for a movie pick from their favorite teacher. But the teacher is missing. “A leave of absence,” [[is what--DELETE]] know-it-all Eli informs them. [[Suddenly, Natalie realizes she and Emma have their first real live mystery to solve.--MAYBE SHOW HER GETTING INTO 'DETECTIVE MODE'???
    As the sleuth duo nose (NOSES?) around for clues, [[[get into trouble--TANGLE? with the principal, and almost get lost (WHERE? DO THEY LEAVE THE SCHOOL GROUNDS. LET US KNOW HOW FAR THEY GO?), they discover that Mrs. Gold’s leave of absence is a not a missing person case after all but instead it’s a cause for celebration. (I HAVE NO IDEA IF IN MG YOU TELL THE ENDING LIKE THIS.)
    Natalie Knoze and The Case of the Missing Teacher combines the fun aspects of Nancy Clancy and the mystery solver in Nancy Drew in this new twist on a Middle Grade Chapter Book.

    Your 250: I'd prefer to "see" Natalie before she speaks to Emma. Something like: Natalie slid her headband behind her ears and turned to her best friend since first grade, Emma. "Sit beside me during the movie." (Not a great example, just explaining what I mean.)

    When the replacement teacher starts talking, we need her description first or otherwise the words are said without us realizing who's talking.

    Good luck with this!

    ReplyDelete
  2. What?! No movie?! This case does need to get solved! Grimes doesn’t seem half as fun as Gold.

    Loved the name play. Knoze = Nose around and Knows. Cute. My daughter loves this kind of stuff and she’s in your target age range.

    In the query, do we need to know it’s Friday? Or is it known that every Friday is movie day. I like how you can use it to set up a routine and then break it to add drama.

    How do Natalie and Emma solve this case? Where do they almost get “lost”? Do they go outside the school? Is it solved over the course of the day, over the weekend, or does it take weeks?

    Who is Eli? You might not need him in the query and you can flush him out a bit in the writing. He seems like one of those know-it-all characters that would be a frenemy nemesis for Natalie.

    Eavesdrop not ease drop : )

    When I think of Clue proper noun, I think of the board game, “I the study with a lead pipe” kind of play. I think you are creating something different with this reference. May recast for clarity “clue-themed party” or “find-the-clue party.”

    I wish there were a couple of hints of what types of clues they would discover and what the outcome might be. We know it’s good, but a little more of a teaser might sell the story. New baby good or wonderful-educational-trip kind of good where everyone gets a cool souvenir?

    I can tell this is going to be fun and I could see this as a series.

    Good luck,

    Shawn (#12 DARKENWEAR) @ShawnTWrites on Twitter

    ReplyDelete
  3. Someone already caught your eavesdrop instead of ease drop (by the way, if you are trying to give us your character's misunderstanding of words, that's cute, but it might backfire on you, so be careful. I assumed it was your mistake and not the narrator's).
    Even though this is a chapter book, I feel like you aren't giving us enough grounding in the situation. I'd like a little bit of setting before we launch into dialogue so I have a feel for what this place might be. I also want to see things a little bit more from the narrator's eyes. She would see Eli before he said anything, or he would surprise her by talking (she would still recognize his voice). I like the premise. I admit that I don't know much about chapter books, so if you feel that my words are very untrue to the category, then by all means, stick to your category conventions.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Here’s one I can sink my teeth into as I work in an elementary school! Not to say the way we do things is the same. My chapter book experience is limited to Junie B Jones, but we certainly need more chapter books.

    Dear Agent,
    Ten-year-old, Natalie Knoze has always been intrigued by mysteries. But she never had a mystery of her own to solve… (something with more voice here? But mysteries avoided her until… or But mysteries are scarier than a homework free weekend until.)
    Until Friday morning when Natalie and her best friend, Emma, stroll into Social Studies class (Chapters books are usually for 1-3rd grade. Age 10 would put her in 3rd or 4th grade. Those grades don’t have specific Social Studies classes or more than one teacher. Or at least they don’t where I live.) revved up for a movie pick from their favorite teacher. But the teacher is missing (and not expected back anytime soon. (Missing one day is not something a kid would care about. Teachers miss all the time.)). “A leave of absence,” is what know-it-all Eli informs them. Suddenly, Natalie realizes she and Emma have their first real live mystery to solve.
    As the sleuth duo nose around for clues, get into trouble with the principal, and almost get lost (Give more specific details here. Nose around where? Get in trouble for what?), they discover that Mrs. Gold’s leave of absence is a not a missing person case after all but instead it’s a cause for celebration. (I’m afraid this sentence may give away the ending instead of spelling out the stakes. What will happen to Natalie if she fails? Will they make fun of her? Will she never see her favorite teacher again?)
    Natalie Knoze and The Case of the Missing Teacher combines the fun aspects of Nancy Clancy and the mystery solver in Nancy Drew in this new twist on a Middle Grade(Chapter books are not the same thing as MG.) Chapter Book.

    First 250:

    NATALIE KNOZE [The Case of the Missing Teacher]
    Chapter 1 The Substitute (Officially we call them guest teachers now.)
    “Sit beside me during the movie,” Natalie said to Emma.
    It was Friday morning and that meant movie day in Social Studies. Social Studies was Natalie and Emma’s favorite class. Mrs. Gold was awesome. She has gold hair, just like her name. She traveled all over the world before coming to Pebble Creek Elementary. And every Friday, she would bring a movie from her own collection for us to watch.
    “I wonder what movie(cut ‘movie’?) Mrs. Gold has for us today,” Emma asked.
    In her best Sherlock Holmes impression, Natalie said “I hope it’s another mystery movie(How would that relate to social studies? Teachers have to show a connection to core standards in order to show a movie nowadays. There are a lot of rules and videos would be frowned upon, especially every Friday movies. Maybe have the movie be a special event they looked forward to.). Those are the coolest.”
    “Me, too,” Emma agreed.
    Natalie and Emma giggled as they walked into Room 10. The two girls had been best friends since first grade. That was when Emma’s mom threw a Clue party for Emma’s sixth birthday. A Clue party is a game that let’s everyone be a sleuth as they search for clues to find out the truth of a crime. Natalie and Emma were the best sleuth’s at the party.
    “Guess what?” Eli said. “Mrs. Gold isn’t here. She took a leave of absence.” Eli thought he knew everything about everything (Put Know-it-all before Eli’s name the first time and this can get left out.). But in reality, all he knew how to do was ease drop on everyone’s conversion.
    “A leave of absence! What for?” Natalie asked.
    “Don’t know, no body’s talking,” Eli shrugged and dashed off to his seat.
    “But…but…but…what about movie Friday?” Emma asked.
    “No movie today, today we will be talking about the revolutionary war and why it was important to America,” a woman with a gray-haired bun on top of her head said. “Everyone take your seat, I am Miss Grimes. I will be your substitute teacher while Mrs. Gold is away.”
    “You know what this means!” Natalie whispered to Emma. “We have our first real case to solve. To find Mrs. Gold!”


    ReplyDelete
  5. Query:

    Your premise sounds great. I love a great mystery :-)

    Ten-year-old, Natalie Knoze has always been intrigued by mysteries. But she never had a mystery of her own to solve…(until now, that is)
    Until Friday morning (cut) when Natalie and her best friend, Emma, stroll into Social Studies class revved up for a movie pick from their favorite teacher. (They find out) But (cut 'But') the teacher is missing. “A leave of absence,” is what know-it-all Eli (cut Eli, otherwise there are too many names for a query) informs them. Suddenly, Natalie realizes she and Emma have their first real live mystery to solve.
    As the sleuth duo nose around for clues, get into trouble with the principal, and almost get lost, they discover that Mrs. Gold’s leave of absence is a not a missing person case after all but instead it’s a cause for celebration.
    Natalie Knoze and The Case of the Missing Teacher combines the fun aspects of Nancy Clancy and the mystery solver in Nancy Drew in this new twist on a Middle Grade Chapter Book.
    First 250

    “Sit beside me during the movie,” Natalie said to Emma.
    It was Friday morning and that meant movie day in Social Studies. Social Studies was Natalie and Emma’s favorite class. Mrs. Gold was awesome. (Tense consistency? She 'was' awesome. She 'has' gold hair) She has gold hair, just like her name. She traveled all over the world before coming to Pebble Creek Elementary. And every Friday, she would bring a movie from her own collection for us to watch.
    “I wonder what movie Mrs. Gold has for us today,” Emma asked.
    In her best Sherlock Holmes impression, Natalie said “I hope it’s another mystery movie. Those are the coolest.”
    “Me, too,” Emma agreed.
    Natalie and Emma giggled as they walked into Room 10. The two girls had been best friends since first grade. That was when Emma’s mom threw a Clue party for Emma’s sixth birthday. A Clue party is a game that let’s everyone be a sleuth as they search for clues to find out the truth of a crime. (I would leave the info about Clue out, it doesn't read well) Natalie and Emma were the best sleuth’s at the party.
    “Guess what?” Eli said. “Mrs. Gold isn’t here. She took a leave of absence.” Eli thought he knew everything about everything. But in reality, all he knew how to do was ease drop on everyone’s conversion. (I would perhaps leave Eli out for now, too many characters at once...just a suggestion)
    “A leave of absence! What for?” Natalie asked.
    “Don’t know, no body’s talking,” Eli shrugged and dashed off to his seat.
    “But…but…but…what about movie Friday?” Emma asked.
    “No movie today, today we will be talking about the r(R)evolutionary w(W)ar and why it was important to America,” a woman with a gray-haired bun on top of her head said. “Everyone take your seat, I am Miss Grimes. I will be your substitute teacher while Mrs. Gold is away.”
    “You know what this means!” Natalie whispered to Emma. “We have our first real case to solve. To find Mrs. Gold!”

    While I like your first 250, I would suggest perhaps grounding us in her world a little more rather than opening right in the middle of the situation at hand. She sounds like a likeable character and it would nice to know a little more about her and Pebble Creek Elementary (I like this name)

    Good Luck!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Very cute title!

    I think you've received a ton of very helpful responses already, so I'll be pretty brief. My school still calls the teachers "substitutes," so I think you are fine with that as it is more a more universally accepted name.

    I have one issue, and I'm sure it means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Is her leave of abs. note really the fact that she's getting fired?? What teacher just shows movies every Friday? My school would have that teacher removed immediately. I couldn't imagine telling my principal that I'm going to waste instructional time like that. But like I said, this may just be my own personal issue.

    Aside from that, I love the voice in this excerpt and think your characters are likable and accessible. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  7. What a fun story! I loved the first 250 words; however, I thought that the dialogue could be improved. "Sit *beside* me," does not sound like it came from the mouth of a 10-year-old. (I could hear a child that age saying, "Saved you a spot!" or I could imagine a child that age dragging her best bud to their spot, where they sit so they can chat without the teacher seeing.) And do kids this age automatically know what a leave of absence is? I don't think I did at that age. With a few tweaks, you can make this very strong!

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think everyone has done a great job of describing the rough spots. My nine-year-old daughter would be super into this story. That said, I love this story, it is fun and cute and awesome. My only critique would be to change your description of middle grade chapter book to simply early middle grade. A chapter book would be for readers who are graduating from early reader books and longer picture books to chapter books, but aren't ready for full blown middle grade.

    Love this book and can't wait to see where you take it!

    ReplyDelete