Saturday, February 15, 2014

Critique Workshop #12: DARKENWEAR INC.

Title: DARKENWEAR, INC.: FEATHERS VS. SCALES
Category/Genre: MG fantasy/adventure
Word count: 46,000

Query:

Dear (Well-Researched Agent’s Name):

Persephone Stone is thirteen and has no clue she’s becoming a dragon. She doesn’t even remember being bitten as a child, though she’s haunted by the nasty scar down her left arm. But the arrival of Serpenestro, a mysterious green-and-white-haired boy, stirs lost memories and plunges Persephone into a conspiracy of wild couture that threatens her existence.

DarkenWear Inc. is the hottest fashion label taking over two worlds. Literally. When the feathered fashionistas come pushing their designs and looking for new materials, Persephone and her friends uncover their secret: every piece in the DW collection is an imprisoned magical creature. Unicorns live in the linings of jackets, goblins lurk in the shimmery folds of sequined dresses, and dragons trapped in garments top the list of trends for the season. Serpenestro reveals himself as the one responsible for Persephone’s bite as the kids hop worlds to a floating NYC-esque city. They must stop production of the creature-inhabited clothing before every enchanted creature is transformed into a handbag or a fabulous pair of shoes, including Persephone.

DARKENWEAR, INC., FEATHER VS.SCALES is a Fantasy Adventure with series potential and is complete at 46,000 words. This story will appeal to fans of THE SCHOOL OF GOOD AND EVIL by Soman Chainani and Rick Riordan’s PERCY JACKSON series.

(Add brief bio and closing)

First 250+ words:

The vortex howled around the dilapidated brick school, throwing crows against the glass and filling the air with feathers. The old panes rattled in their paint-caked frames, drawing every student’s gaze toward the tall windows of the eighth-grade humanities pod.

With a flash and a boom, the lights flickered and a ripple, like someone was adjusting a TV screen. A twenty-sixth student appeared in the last seat at the back of the class.

No one seemed to notice the boy as the room fell into chaos over the advancing storm.

Mystery Student Twenty-Six sat reading his X-Men comic and watching a group of students settle back into their Edgar Allen Poe projects, unaware that he was no longer invisible.

Storms create lightning. Lightning makes fire. Fire ruins lives. It happened then, and it could happen now. Persephone splattered red paint on her papier-mâché rendering of The Masque of the Red Death. She grimaced and pinched the silvery swirl of scar tissue that peeked out from underneath the top of her arm warmer. The skin burned and itched with newfound intensity. “Storms conjure change.”

“Huh, what did you say?” Kendall flopped back in his chair and turned around.  

Persephone noticed him looking at her bad arm. Her dark eyes slashed from underneath her bangs as if to say, I dare you to stare a second longer.

 “Sorry.” He tousled his mop of chestnut hair and flashed a smile.

Ignoring Kendall and the tingling pain, she pulled the striped woolen sleeve back up to cover the wound. “Hey, who the heck is the new kid?”

8 comments:

  1. Love the idea! A+ for originality. (But then I don't read every MG out there either...so...) I've copy/pasted the critique to make it easier for me. I write in caps not to yell, but to make my comments easier to see.

    Persephone Stone is thirteen and has no clue she’s becoming a dragon.--THIS CONFUSES ME BECAUSE IF WE START THE STORY KNOWING WHAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW? NOT SURE OF THE POV. DOES THE READER GET TO KNOW BEFORE SHE DOES? IF THE READER DOESN'T KNOW BEFORE HER THEN I WOULDN'T START LIKE THIS. I'D START WITH HOW SHE HATES THIS SCAR AND THEN MEETS SERPENESTRO. She doesn’t even remember being bitten as a child, though she’s haunted by the nasty scar down her left arm. But the arrival of Serpenestro, a mysterious green-and-white-haired boy, stirs lost memories and plunges Persephone into a conspiracy of wild couture that threatens her existence. (SEEMS SHE'LL ONLY BE 'TRAPPED' AFTER READING THE WHOLE QUERY.)

    DarkenWear Inc. is the hottest fashion label taking over two worlds. Literally. When the feathered fashionistas come pushing their designs and looking for new materials, (WHERE ARE WE? EARTH?) Persephone and her friends uncover their secret: every piece in the DW collection is an imprisoned magical creature. Unicorns live in JACKET LININGS. the linings of jackets, goblins lurk in the shimmery folds of sequined dresses, and dragons trapped in [[garments--COULD BE A BIT MORE DESCRIPTIVE HERE) top the list of trends for the season. Serpenestro reveals [[himself as the one responsible for--HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR? Persephone’s bite as the kids hop worlds (CAN EVERYONE DO THIS?) to a floating NYC-esque city.(AND IS SHE OKAY WITH LEARNING THIS?) They must stop production of the creature-inhabited clothing before every enchanted creature is transformed into a handbag or a fabulous pair of shoes, including Persephone.

    DARKENWEAR, INC., FEATHER VS.SCALES is a Fantasy Adventure with series potential and is complete at 46,000 words. This story will appeal to fans of THE SCHOOL OF GOOD AND EVIL by Soman Chainani and Rick Riordan’s PERCY JACKSON series.

    I like the opening 250. The only thing I'd point out is if she finds it weird/bizarre that the scar suddenly burns and itches.

    Good job and good luck with this!



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  2. I like the opening line; I think it works and makes you wonder how she discovers she's becoming a dragon. Other than that,

    A conspiracy of wild couture? That threw me because you can read it as the clothes are conspiring. Maybe a conspiracy of couture fashion designers. I see how it's explained in the second paragraph but the phrasing in the first one is odd. I'm not sure if middle graders know what couture is though as opposed to their school's uniform they wear at school.

    I don't know the setting of the story from the query.

    I really like the idea of a fashion line being made from magical creatures.

    The only question with the beginning is where you state that the vortex threw crows against the school. That's a pretty strong wind, but I think it's fine

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  3. Hey! I like the QL! A couple of comments on the 250:

    Paragraph 2: The wording confused me a bit. maybe change it to "the lights flickered with a ripple..."

    Overall, I get a sense of mystery. Knowing what is to happen from the QL, I like how you introduce the tingling scar right away.

    I have no idea of this makes sense but since the story kind of revolves around creatures within the linings of clothing, I wonder if you might mention the student's attire somewhere in this opening (aside from the striped woolen sleeve). Even if it is just to mention a bit more about a jacket or pants. Maybe mention a designer or something, even if those garments aren't inhabited with the creatures. It might tie things in well.

    Of course, this idea might make no sense at all! But I like your writing and I do want to know more about the scar and the other students in this class. Good luck!

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  4. Query:

    Persephone Stone is thirteen and has no clue she’s becoming a dragon. She doesn’t even remember being bitten as a child, though she’s haunted by the nasty scar down her left arm. But the arrival of Serpenestro, a mysterious green-and-white-haired boy, stirs lost memories and plunges Persephone into a conspiracy of wild couture (I don't think MG will know what couture is, this might be a little over their heads. Perhaps simplify?) that threatens her existence.

    DarkenWear Inc. is the hottest fashion label taking over two worlds (what worlds? Earth? and...?). Literally. When the feathered fashionistas come pushing their designs and looking for new materials, Persephone and her friends uncover their secret: every piece in the DW collection is an imprisoned magical creature. Unicorns live in the linings of jackets, goblins lurk in the shimmery folds of sequined dresses, and dragons trapped in garments top the list of trends for the season.(I'm a little confused here. While the premise sounds great, I don't really understand how this works.How are they trapped in the fabric? Are they alive? Perhaps more descriptive here). Serpenestro reveals himself as the one responsible for Persephone’s bite as the kids hop worlds to a floating NYC-esque city.(Do we need to know this at this point? It doesn't flow well and maybe it would be better revealed within the MS). They must stop production of the creature-inhabited clothing before every enchanted creature is transformed into a handbag or a fabulous pair of shoes, including Persephone.

    First 250
    Just a couple of notes:
    With a flash and a boom, the lights flickered and (there was) a ripple, like someone was adjusting a TV screen. (And just like that) A twenty-sixth student appeared in the last seat at the back of the class.

    Mystery Student Twenty-Six sat reading his X-Men comic and watching a group of students settle back into their Edgar Allen Poe(cut - just say 'projects') projects, unaware that he was no longer invisible.

    Storms create lightning. Lightning makes fire. Fire ruins lives. It happened then, and it could happen now. (I didn't understand this reference - is this something she's saying to herself? Or thinking?)

    While the Query reads like MG, the opening page reads more Upper Middle Grade to YA, in my opinion. Just with the pronunciation of some of the names and the words and descriptions used, I would find the average middle grader having difficulty with understanding.

    Having said that, I love the premise. It's a unique idea.

    Good Luck!

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  5. I like the premise of this one. I felt like your query letter started off really well, then lost me again (first line of paragraph two), then if I made some assumptions (and you don't want that because an agent's default could be a world where the frill on your underwear band determines who's the ruler!)

    Then in the first 250, I was following along great until Persephone quotes something. It lost me because it didn't tie in to anything. Maybe some transitions would help to bring your reader along for the ride.

    I do like the premise, and your writing is clean (even if it doesn't flow as well as I prefer, but that's just a personal preference).

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  6. I love the mood you've created here. I found myself reading the first 250+ without stopping. I actually was fine with the query as well. Though I admit the vortex of wind is a bit strong of an image. I'm picturing bloody crow bits smeared all over the glass, you know?

    Overall, I love this!

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  7. I’m going to suggest a reorder here to lead with the most unique material. Girl who is a dragon has been done, but not girl dragon becoming a pair of shoes! And I like the name Persephone. All kind of mythical possibilities with it!

    Persephone Stone is thirteen and has no clue she’s becoming a dragon. She doesn’t even remember being bitten as a child, though she’s haunted by the nasty scar down her left arm. But the arrival of Serpenestro, a mysterious green-and-white-haired boy, stirs lost memories and plunges Persephone into a conspiracy of wild couture that threatens her existence. (The end part is vague. It doesn’t tell us how or why she’s in danger. Also it doesn’t sound very middle grade.)

    DarkenWear Inc. is the hottest fashion label taking over two worlds. Literally. When the feathered fashionistas come pushing their designs and looking for new materials, Persephone and her friends uncover their secret: every piece in the DW collection is an imprisoned magical creature.(Now this is much more interesting! Consider leading with this and saving the dragon info for the 2nd paragraph. Thirteen-year-old Persephone Stone is intrigued when DarkenWear brings the hottest fashion from two worlds to her town.) Unicorns live in the linings of jackets, goblins lurk in the shimmery folds of sequined dresses, and dragons trapped in garments top the list of trends for the season.(This sentence is awkward. Put the feathered fashionista sentence and then …The garments at the top of the fashion trend contain unicorns in jacket linings, goblins lurking in the shimmery folds of sequined dress, and dragons trapped in xx.)

    (Here put the scar and the strange boy arrives with Persephone learning she’s a dragon. Make specific what the danger to her is.) Serpenestro reveals himself as the one responsible for Persephone’s bite as the kids hop worlds to a floating NYC-esque city. They must stop production of the creature-inhabited clothing before every enchanted creature is transformed into a handbag or a fabulous pair of shoes, including Persephone. (Good stakes. But I’m not getting a sense of what Persephone wants, either at the start or the end. Maybe a sentence about her motivation. I do see the specific threat to her here!)

    DARKENWEAR, INC., FEATHER VS.SCALES is a Fantasy Adventure with series potential and is complete at 46,000 words. This story will appeal to fans of THE SCHOOL OF GOOD AND EVIL by Soman Chainani and Rick Riordan’s PERCY JACKSON series.

    (Add brief bio and closing)

    ReplyDelete

  8. The vortex howled around the dilapidated brick school, throwing crows against the glass and filling the air with feathers. The old panes rattled in their paint-caked frames, drawing every student’s gaze toward the tall windows of the eighth-grade humanities pod.

    With a flash and a boom, the lights flickered and a ripple, like someone was adjusting a TV screen (This sentence doesn’t feel finished. The ripple did what? and a ripple shuddered, … and a ripple, ripped away vision, like…). A twenty-sixth student appeared in the last seat at the back of the class.

    No one seemed(consider removing ‘seemed’ and going with ‘noticed.’ Seem weakens.) to notice the boy as the room fell into chaos over the advancing storm.

    Mystery Student Twenty-Six sat reading his X-Men comic and watching a(the) group of students settle back into their Edgar Allen Poe projects, unaware that he was no longer invisible.

    (I assume there is a break here to indicate the POV change.) Storms create lightning. Lightning makes fire. Fire ruins lives. It happened then, and it could happen now. Persephone splattered red paint on her papier-mâché rendering of The Masque of the Red Death. She grimaced and pinched the silvery swirl of scar tissue that peeked out from underneath the top of her arm warmer.(Seems ike this sentence is backward. She sees the scar and then would touch it. A silvery swirl of scar tissue peeked from underneath the top of her arm warmer. She grimaced and pinched…) The skin burned and itched with newfound intensity. “Storms conjure change.”

    “Huh, what did you say?” Kendall flopped back in his chair and turned around.

    Persephone noticed him looking at her bad arm. (Inner thought here. Help us get to know her better.) Her dark eyes slashed from underneath her bangs as if to say, I dare you to stare a second longer. (This sentence rings odd to me because of the ‘as if to say.’ Makes it seem like her eyes are not under her control. Her dark eyes slashed from underneath her bangs with an I dare you to stare a second longer look.

    “Sorry.” He tousled his mop of chestnut hair and flashed a smile.

    Ignoring Kendall and the tingling pain, she pulled the striped woolen sleeve back up to cover the wound. “Hey, who the heck is the new kid?” (I’m confused. How does she know about him already? Maybe she needs to glance back first.)

    ReplyDelete