Saturday, February 15, 2014

Critique Workshop #13: THE SPACE BETWEEN

Title: THE SPACE BETWEEN
Genre: Adult Contemporary Suspense
Word Count: 90,000

Query:

Dear Agent:

Yelling hurtful words to a best friend is one thing, but dedicated DEA agent Deanna Ellis belittles her partner moments before hellish gunfire kills her. Now choked by haunting survivor’s guilt, Ellis vows to uncover the reason their biggest case yet nosedived into chaos. First, she must find the at-large murderer.

Everyone impedes her pursuit. The DEA head honchos deny her involvement into the official investigation while her boss argues she’s unfit for active duty. A colleague blatantly accuses her of selling out her partner and threatens revenge. Worsening matters, her partner’s family demands answers to their sister’s death as the killer tries unnerving Ellis with taunting phone calls. 

When the new Special Agent in Charge suspiciously transfers Ellis to help an undercover FBI agent in Miami, Ellis fears another deterrent. But then the killer hints he’s in Miami too. Neck-deep in the new assignment, she discovers macabre betrayal; she’s entrapped. Several agents’ lives rest in her hands, forcing her to reach within for courage as she learns both justice and treachery can be bought, and whatever skulks in the void between guilt and redemption is, to her, the space between.

THE SPACE BETWEEN is a 90,000 word contemporary suspense novel set in Atlanta and a rainy Miami. 

First 250:

Fifteen days after the worst night of her life, DEA agent Deanna Ellis stood outside the dark entrance of O’Grady’s Bar in Atlanta. The neon sign above the wooden door buzzed an incomprehensible beat with the O flashing at random. The air hung heavier than a typical June evening, the result of a hard afternoon rain.

Ellis inhaled an unsteady breath, moved her hand to the brass doorknob, and stopped. Her thoughts replayed the funeral she attended a few hours earlier. She turned to Senior Special Agent David Ambers. Her boss had changed into a fresh white shirt for his black suit. His brown curly hair kinked tighter when wet.

“You okay?” Ambers asked. His musk cologne filled her with warmth and teased reassurance.

“I still don’t understand why I can’t be involved with the investigation,” Ellis said.

He sighed, his brown-eyed gaze softening. “Let’s not get into this now. Everyone’s waiting.”

Her trembling fingers clenched. She didn’t want to go inside.

Ambers escorted her across the threshold.

Two dozen pairs of eyes studied her. Colleagues, all passing judgment. On the landing, three steps higher than anyone else, Ellis’ shoulders sagged under their scrutiny. After hours of interrogation, the official report concluded she acted with courage. No fault rested with her, yet she continued to doubt her conscience.

She did everything possible that night, didn’t she? With the van’s high beams blinding her, she aimed and shot the best she could. Hadn’t she? 

6 comments:

  1. I really liked how you tie the title back in at the end of the query. I was wondering how it worked into the story and it’s a nice way to end, the back-of-book-jacket kind of nice.

    The query starts with the nasty words before the partner falls and the first 250 give a hint that Ellis might not be completely sure she did the right things. Both would cause substantial guilt. I think there’s an opportunity to address the mean words in the first 250. Maybe something like, “I wish I hadn’t said what I said,” something like that. It the query I think is important to note that the details keep replaying. Both are very really elements of what happens in a situation like this, that one moment when lives are changed forever.

    I would love to know or have a few hints into how why people are impeding her pursuit of justice. It sounds like there are elements of a cover-up at hand with the betrayal. How is she entrapped?

    You had some nice images in the first 250, like the O in the sign. Also entering the pub and the feeling of all eyes being on her. The guilt!

    I think “for” is supposed to be “from” at the end of the second paragraph, “from his black suit.”

    Good luck,

    Shawn (#12 DARKENWEAR) @ShawnTWrites on Twitter

    ReplyDelete
  2. QUERY:

    Yelling hurtful words to a best friend is one thing, but (I would begin here-)(D)dedicated DEA agent Deanna Ellis belittles her partner moments before hellish gunfire kills her. Now choked by [haunting] (cut) survivor’s guilt, Ellis vows to uncover the reason their biggest case yet nosedived into chaos, beginning with [First she must]-cut find(ing) the at-large murderer.


    {Everyone impedes her pursuit](cut)The DEA head honchos deny her involvement into the official investigation (do you mean they won't allow her to participate in the investigation or they're saying she wasn't involved - it's not clear to me)while her boss argues she’s unfit for active duty. A colleague blatantly accuses her of selling out her partner and threatens revenge. [Worsening matters](Making matters worse), her partner’s family demand(s) answers to their sister’s death as the killer tries unnerving Ellis with taunting phone calls.

    When the new Special Agent in Charge suspiciously transfers Ellis to help an undercover FBI agent in Miami, Ellis fears another deterrent. But then the killer hints he’s in Miami too. Neck-deep in the new assignment, she discovers macabre betrayal; [she’s entrapped] (these words just seem dropped in, they don't have any frame of reference). Several agents’ lives rest in her hands, forcing her to reach within for courage as she learns both justice and treachery can be bought, and whatever skulks in the void between guilt and redemption is, to her, the space between.

    I like the reference to the title in the last paragraph.
    This sounds intriguing but I think it could be even better if you referred to the killer more. Everyone loves a good 'whodunnit' ;-)
    In your third paragraph it made me wonder if new Special Agent was the killer, I don't know if that was intentional.

    FIRST 250

    I LOVE your opening paragraph. Very descriptive without being wordy! Well done!

    Fantastic First Page. I really liked it. Great setup, I know what's at stake and I sympathize with the MC

    Good Job!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Really solid query. A few suggestions.

    Yelling hurtful words to a best friend is one thing, but dedicated DEA agent Deanna Ellis belittles her partner moments before hellish gunfire kills her (Interesting and powerful, but pronoun confusion at the end. I wasn’t sure who was killed at first.). Now choked by haunting survivor’s guilt, Ellis vows to uncover the reason their biggest case yet nosedived into chaos. First, she must find the at-large murderer. (I’d consider combining the last two sentences. …yet nosedived into chaos and find the at-large murderer.)

    Everyone impedes her pursuit. The DEA head honchos deny her involvement into the official investigation while her boss argues she’s unfit for active duty. A colleague blatantly accuses her of selling out her partner and threatens revenge. Worsening matters, her partner’s (I’d give the partner’s name and avoid confusion.) family demands answers to their sister’s (I’m suddenly lost. Where did ‘sister’ come from? Are we still talking about the partner?) death as the killer tries unnerving Ellis with taunting phone calls. (Here is the crux and it’s getting buried. See if you can’t make the phone calls stand out more. Maybe it’s own sentence. And consider leaving out the colleague on revenge bent. There is plenty here to consider.)

    When the new Special Agent in Charge suspiciously transfers Ellis to help(cut ‘to help’) an undercover FBI agent in Miami, Ellis fears another deterrent. But then the killer hints he’s in Miami too. Neck-deep in the new assignment, she discovers(finds evidence of a?) macabre betrayal; she’s entrapped. Several agents’ lives rest in her hands, forcing her to reach within for courage as she learns both justice and treachery can be bought, and whatever skulks in the void between guilt and redemption is, to her, the space between. (This last sentence feels a little convoluted and overdone to me, but see what others think. It doesn’t really give us specific stakes.)

    THE SPACE BETWEEN is a 90,000 word contemporary suspense novel set in Atlanta and a rainy Miami.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I thought this was a powerful first page. Very moving!

    First 250:

    Fifteen days after the worst night of her life, DEA agent Deanna Ellis stood outside the dark entrance of O’Grady’s Bar in Atlanta. The neon sign above the wooden door buzzed an incomprehensible beat with the O flashing at random.(What if the sign buzzed to the thoughts in her head? Less telling than the first sentence. The neon sign above the wooden door of O’Grady’s Bar in Atlanta buzzed a familiar beat with the O flashing at random. Fifteen days. Fifteen days it seemed to say. Fifteen days since the worst night of DEA agent’s Deanna Ellis’ life.) The air hung heavier than a typical June evening, the result of a hard afternoon rain.

    Ellis inhaled an unsteady breath, moved her hand to the brass doorknob, and stopped. (What if she fights it? Don’t do it. Don’t go there. But her thoughts…) Her thoughts replayed the funeral she attended a few hours earlier. She turned to Senior Special Agent David Ambers. Her boss had changed into a fresh white shirt for his black suit. His brown curly hair kinked tighter when wet.

    “You okay?” Ambers asked. His musk cologne filled her with warmth and teased reassurance.

    “I still don’t understand why I can’t be involved with the investigation (I think ‘with the investigation’ is leading the reader. Why would she say what he would understand? Maybe cut.),” Ellis said.

    He sighed, his brown-eyed gaze softening. “Let’s not get into this now. Everyone’s waiting.”

    Her trembling fingers clenched. She didn’t want to go inside.

    Ambers escorted her across the threshold.

    Two dozen pairs of eyes studied her. Colleagues, all passing judgment. On the landing(Maybe cut ‘landing’ and leave steps.), three steps higher than anyone else, Ellis’ shoulders sagged under their scrutiny. After hours of interrogation, the official report concluded she acted with courage. No fault rested with her, yet she continued to doubt her conscience.

    She did everything possible that night, didn’t she? With the van’s high beams blinding her, she aimed and shot the best she could. Hadn’t she?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think the advice Karen left above about your query is spot-on. There are only two things I would add.
    1. As-written, the first sentence makes it unclear whether Deanna was the one who was killed. I think it's less confusing with the suggested changes.

    2. In law enforcement, "entrapped" has a very specific meaning. A member of the DEA wouldn't use it to describe a situation where she feels like she can't escape. So, unless you're saying that she's been set up and induced to commit a crime by her fellow agents, change it to "trapped."

    Otherwise, the query makes me wonder whether you did your research in writing the story, which makes me hesitate a little.

    I love the first 250. I do wonder about "fifteen days..." In my experience, most funerals happen very quickly. It might help to explain the delay somewhere, even if it was just acknowledging it with: "Finally, So-and-so was at peace" (or something similar) after the sentence about the funeral.

    Overall, this is a really compelling opening that makes me want to read on.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is all really good (like really great premise, the writing is there, all of that stuff), but there are a few nits to pick, so see below. (again, this is really good).

    Query:

    Dear Agent:

    Yelling hurtful words to a best friend is one thing, but dedicated DEA agent Deanna Ellis belittles her partner moments before hellish gunfire kills her.(Pronoun confusion, and I wonder if maybe details would help you. Like Seconds after accusing her DEA partner of sleeping her way to the top, Deanna Ellis's partner is cut down in action leaving Deanna in the throes of survivor's guilt. Okay, mine is a bit purple, but you get the drift. Use exciting verbs because they are in the middle of doing something exciting) Now choked by haunting survivor’s guilt, Ellis vows to uncover the reason their biggest case yet (kill the yet, it drops a beat and lessens the magnitude of the case) nosedived into chaos. First, she must find the at-large murderer.

    Everyone impedes her pursuit. The DEA head honchos deny her involvement into the official investigation while her boss argues she’s unfit for active duty. (As well he should because she's too close to the circumstances. It's standard protocol to ask people with a personal stake in investigations to recuse themselves, so this is actually a huge problem. No need to beat around the bush in the query letter) A colleague blatantly accuses her of selling out her partner and threatens revenge. Worsening matters, her partner’s family demands answers to their sister’s death as the killer tries unnerving Ellis with taunting phone calls.

    When the new Special Agent in Charge suspiciously transfers Ellis to help an undercover FBI agent in Miami, Ellis fears another deterrent. But then the killer hints he’s in Miami too. Neck-deep in the new assignment, she discovers macabre betrayal; she’s entrapped. Several agents’ lives rest in her hands, forcing her to reach within for courage as she learns both justice and treachery can be bought, and whatever skulks in the void between guilt and redemption is, to her, the space between.

    THE SPACE BETWEEN is a 90,000 word contemporary suspense novel set in Atlanta and a rainy Miami.

    First 250:

    The only thing I have to say about your first 250 is that I really don't like the first line. It's a long time from death, and it's all telling.

    Hope that helps, this one is really good, so good luck!

    ReplyDelete