Saturday, February 15, 2014

Critique Workshop #14: GRUDGING

Title: GRUDGING
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: WIP

Query:

To follow his brother into the pelotón and earn his beard as a fighting man is all seventeen-year-old Ramiro ever wanted. His mother can nag he belongs safely in the saint’s priesthood, but his father understands the military is ceremonial, a holdover from a more violent history of their city-state.

Until Ramiro's home is surrounded on all sides by the invading armies and siege machines of the Northerners.

Cut off from allies and outnumbered behind their walls, their only escape lies to the west in the acres and acres of swamp inhabited by the witches. The witches' mythic ability to hypnotize and control by voice may be the only equalizer. But the witches have no love for men, even unbearded ones. Ramiro's brother leads a small expedition to sway their hereditary enemies into becoming partners.

The saints abandon them and disaster strikes, leaving Ramiro alone with only the witch's nit of an apprentice to show for their mission. Ramiro is staggered by the loss of his beloved brother and dogged by duty. When the girl resists, he’s forced to drag her bound and gagged every step before his home succumbs to the armies. To win her over, they must speak, but the girl's voice could prove to be the last thing Ramiro hears.

250:

Ramiro guided Sancha to the back of the waiting ranks of the pelotón, taking his position at its rear along the dusty road. Moisture slicked his palms inside his leather gloves, and his helmet wobbled as if it were several sizes too big, though the chin straps secured it. He sidestepped Sancha until she maneuvered into position. In his rightful place, he laid Sancha’s reins across his knee, signaling to the Grito de Guerre that he’d be using his legs to guide her, not the leather straps.

Alvito moved his mount alongside, pinning Ramiro between himself and Gomez. “Don’t look so pale,” Alvito said with a grin. “You’ll not earn your beard this day.” He stroked his own neatly sculpted black whiskers, adding a wink to cut the sting of his words. His beard was artwork, all straight lines and right angles, shaved to the edge of the jaw line with a square patch under his lower lip. His hair tended to curl, a fashion Alvito encouraged with musk-scented oil. The heavy aroma didn’t seem to detract women; Alvito never had less than one or two hanging on his arm.

Gomez gave Ramiro a playful push from the other side with a fist the size of a ham, enough to knock him off the saddle if Ramiro hadn’t locked his legs. Gomez’s beard was a study in opposites from Alvito. A nest of brambles to his chest, hair grew wherever it could sprout. “You’ll stay the bisoño until we tell you otherwise, kiddo.”

8 comments:

  1. I've copy/pasted your query below. I've written my comments in caps to make them easier to see, not to yell at you.

    To follow his brother into the pelotón and earn his beard as a fighting man is all seventeen-year-old Ramiro ever wanted.--I LIKE THIS OPENING. His mother [[can nag--NAGS]] he belongs safely in the saint’s priesthood, but his father understands the military is [[ceremonial--NOT SURE THIS IS THE RIGHT WORD? IMPORTANT TO HIM? THE BETTER OPTION FOR HIS SON? HONORABLE CHOICE??, a holdover from a [[more--DELETE]]] violent history of their city-state.

    Until Ramiro's home is surrounded on all sides by the invading armies and siege machines of the Northerners.--CERTAINLY NOT GOOD FOR THEM.

    Cut off from allies and outnumbered behind their walls, their (HOW MANY ARE THEY??) only escape lies to the west in the [[acres and acres --BE SPECIFIC. WE TALKING CHINA SIZE OF ACREAGE OR RHODE ISLAND SIZE OF ACREAGE.))of swamp inhabited by the witches. The witches' (((mythic--SO WE'RE NOT EVEN SURE THEY CAN DO THIS, RIGHT? GOOD.))) ability to hypnotize and control by voice may be the only equalizer. But the witches have no love for men, even unbearded ones. Ramiro's brother leads a small expedition to sway their [[[hereditary--I'D DELETE BECAUSE IT MAKES ME THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND THIS. AND I DON'T.]]] enemies into [[becoming partners.--FORMING AN ALLEGIANCE? FIGHTING TOGETHER? ARE THESE MACHINES AND THINGS ALSO AFTER THE WITCHES BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S IN IT FOR THE WITCHES.

    The saints--WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? CATCHING ME OFF GUARD. abandon them and disaster strikes--WHAT IS THE DISASTER?, leaving Ramiro alone with only the witch's nit of an apprentice to show for their mission.--YOU NEVER SAY RAMIRO WENT ON THE MISSION. JUST SAY THE BROTHER LEADS IT. Ramiro is staggered by the loss of his beloved brother--AH. SO EVERYONE (I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY THEY ARE ON THE MISSION) IS KILLED SAVE FOR RAMIRO? and dogged by duty. When the girl resists, he’s forced to drag her bound and gagged every step before his home succumbs to the armies. To win her over, they must speak, but the girl's voice could prove to be the last thing Ramiro hears. (WELL, YOU DEFINITELY HAVE ME WONDERING WHAT ON EARTH CAN HE SAY TO MAKE HER COOPERATE AFTER THAT TREATMENT. MAYBE HINT HE HAS A PLAN TO GET HER COOPERATION?)

    Your 250: I think telling me right away Sancha is his horse will ground me faster.

    Good luck with this!

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  2. It’s interesting how the art of the beard becomes almost like the number of stars and rank on the sleeve of your uniform in this world. It’s a nice detail. It stopped me in the query and I was please to see the details in the first 250. I get a little bit of a steam-punk vibe from this one; is that intended?

    A fist the size of a ham?! These guys are big. Are they human?

    Enter the witches. What a great twist. Close quarters with someone that powerful and dangerous that really doesn’t like you. Now that’s stakes and conflict. I get that Enemy Mine (wow, obscure ‘80s movie reference) kind of plot from the query, and I like your spin of having to side with the lesser of two evils to save his people. Your query also sets it up that’s there’s going to be plenty of loss along the way.

    Is pelton French? Little ball or platoon? And what is a bisono? Spanish? It seems to be a low-ranking officer or a peon? I think these terms need a little more explanation, but details like this can give insight into your world. Is this world modeled after a French- or Spanish-influenced setting? Or is it something completely new?

    Aside from the beards, I’m really not sure what this world looks like. Uniforms? Military machines? Grito de Guerre? A few strategically placed details could make this world come to life. Again, the beard description was great.

    After reading the query, it took me a moment to realize Sancha was a horse and not the “nit” witch apprentice. I was jarred a bit when I got to the word “reins” : )

    Good luck,

    Shawn (#12 DARKENWEAR) @ShawnTWrites on Twitter

    ReplyDelete
  3. To follow his brother into the pelotón (is this the military?) and earn his beard as a fighting man is all seventeen-year-old Ramiro ever wanted. His mother can nag(tell him all she wants that) he belongs safely in the saint’s priesthood, but his father understands the military is ceremonial, a holdover from a more violent history of their city-state. (I would suggest switching these two line around, or rewording so it's clearer. For example:
    All seventeen-year-old Ramiror wants is to follow his brother into the Peloton, to earn his bread as a fighting man. His Mother can tell that he belongs in the safety of the Saint's priesthood, but his Father understands the military is ceremonial....)


    Until (that is)Ramiro's home is surrounded on all sides by the invading armies and siege machines of the Northerners.

    Cut off from allies and outnumbered behind their walls, their only escape lies to the west in the acres and acres of swamp inhabited by the witches. The witches' mythic ability to hypnotize and control by voice may be the only equalizer. But the witches have no love for men, even unbearded ones. Ramiro's brother leads a small expedition to sway their hereditary enemies into becoming partners.

    The saints (who are the Saints? You're only reference to them was in the beginning paragraph and I didn't know from that they were an army?) abandon them (when were they with them?) and disaster strikes, leaving Ramiro alone with only the witch's nit of an apprentice to show for their mission. Ramiro is staggered by the loss of his beloved brother and dogged by duty. When the girl resists, he’s forced to drag her bound and gagged every step before his home succumbs to the armies. To win her over, they must speak, but the girl's voice could prove to be the last thing Ramiro hears.


    I was surprised to see the reference to the Witches in the third paragraph. I wasn't expecting it. I would have loved if you had opened with that, it would make it much more intriguing to me ;-)

    Sounds like a great premise!

    First 250:

    In your first paragraph I didn't understand that Sancha was the horse, I thought it was the girl. So perhaps that could made clearer.

    Rather than saying 'moisture' slicked his palms perhaps 'sweat'?

    Otherwise I had no problem picturing the scene and placing myself right in it!

    Good luck!

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  4. I think most everything has been covered in the three excellent comments ahead of mine. I agree with switching the first two lines in the query to lead into the third. Also, where you have the line "a holdover from a more violent history of their city-state." How about something like "a holdover from the city-state's move violent history." Or something like that which feels like a stronger statement.

    I also agree with what everyone was saying about Sancha. At first, I thought she was the witch apprentice, not a horse. Also, where Ramiro was guiding Sancha, I first pictured him walking the horse and got confused by him laying the reins on his lap without having sat down.

    Okay, now to highlight the really cool parts. I love the beard imagery and the idea of witches with voice power living in a huge swamp. I definitely want to keep reading. I love the premise and everything!

    @GloWolf143
    Becca Waddell

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  5. This is really good work. I love the premise, and the writing is really good. The query letter could be tightened, and i'm not 100% certain how.

    The first time I read through the query, it caught me off guard. I think that it was the details of the world building that caught me out. When I read through it again, it seemed just fine, but by then I knew about it. I don't know how to make that work, but you might want to clue us in that it's a detail of this world, rather than assuming we'll be able to pick it up. Also, the next two lines give us some hints about the world, but they feel disjointed from what's already been said (despite being related... maybe it's that the three sentences are covering three different people as well?).

    My suggestion: Seventeen year old Ramiro's mother wants him to join the saint's priesthood and enjoy a life of safety, but Ramiro has always dreamed of joining the peleton. Defying his mother, Ramiro joins, earning his right to a beard and following his brother's footsteps. Afterwards, he consoles his mother with the fact that the military is largely ceremonial: no one has attacked NAME OF CITY-STATE for over a hundred years (or however long).

    Okay, that paragraph might be first draft drivel, but I think what I'm trying to say is that you can weave together elements at the same time as showing us what people want and desire (though do you need both parents reactions?). Whichever way you go, the first sentence of your query is too long with too many details. Break it up and we should be able to digest it better. The only other suggestion is to flip it around, but I know a ton of queries start that way, so you might be trying to avoid it.

    Your premise is smashing, and I really couldn't find anything to talk about for your first 250 (because I would totally read the next page), except that you might let us know that the Sancha is a horse sooner (I wondered if sancha was the witch's apprentice for the first line). Really good, I like the way there's spanish thrown in.

    Also, I don't know why, but this sort of felt like Howl's Moving Castle (the movie, not the book). I doubt they have much in common, but there is the witch of the waste and what not. It was the feel of it that I got from your snippet and query. If you haven't seen the movie, it's really good, and it might give you a place for a comp title (Maybe something like Howl's Moving Castle meets Pan's Labyrinth or something more appropriate).

    Overall, I think this is really good.

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  6. To follow his brother into the pelotón (love this, instantly I know the era, others may disagree but you’re sub’ing to a Historical audience & this is great) and earn his beard as a fighting man is all seventeen-year-old Ramiro ever wanted. (great 1st line) His mother can nag (find a better option) he belongs safely in the saint’s priesthood, but his father understands the military is ceremonial (again, perfect for the era and the setting, love, love ,love it!) a holdover from a more violent history of their city-state.

    Until Ramiro's home is surrounded on all sides by the invading armies and siege machines of the Northerners. (completely visual & the added spice of danger & tension – exactly what is needed)

    Cut off from allies and outnumbered behind their walls, (its stronger without this, anyone you’re sub’ing to will have it inferred they are cut off) their only escape lies to the west in the acres and acres of swamp inhabited by the witches. The witches' mythic ability to hypnotize and control by voice may be the only equalizer. (OK this is the first place where I’ve stopped, are you saying they want the witches to fight for them? I’ almost suggest take out this line. Unless otherwise told, most people automatically think witches=mean & nasty) But the witches have no love for men, even unbearded ones (again, love this, not only dies it link to the beginning, it adds to the visual). Ramiro's brother leads a small expedition to sway their hereditary enemies into becoming partners.

    The saints abandon them and disaster strikes, leaving Ramiro alone with only the witch's nit of an apprentice to show for their mission. Ramiro is staggered by the loss of his beloved brother and dogged by duty. When the girl? (I had to re-read as I thought I missed something, then I realised the “GIRL” was the apprentice, maybe add something like “whiney, nit of a girl-child apprentice”) resists, he’s forced to drag her bound and gagged every step before his home succumbs to the armies. To win her over, they must speak, but the girl's voice could prove to be the last thing Ramiro hears.

    250:

    Ramiro guided Sancha to the back of the waiting ranks of the pelotón, taking his position at its rear along the dusty road. Moisture slicked his palms inside his leather gloves, and his helmet wobbled as if it were several sizes too big, though the chin straps secured it. He sidestepped Sancha until she maneuvered into position. In his rightful place, he laid Sancha’s reins across his knee, signaling to the Grito de Guerre that he’d be using his legs to guide her, not the leather straps.

    Alvito moved his mount alongside, pinning Ramiro between himself and Gomez. “Don’t look so pale,” Alvito said with a grin. “You’ll not earn your beard this day.” He stroked his own neatly sculpted black whiskers, adding a wink to cut the sting of his words. His beard was artwork, all straight lines and right angles, shaved to the edge of the jaw line with a square patch under his lower lip. His hair tended to curl, a fashion Alvito encouraged with musk- scented oil. The heavy aroma didn’t seem to detract women; Alvito never had less than one or two hanging on his arm.

    I wish I could add something to your first 250, but I can’t. for me, I’d read this on in a heart-beat!

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  7. You have already gotten some great feedback. I wonder if you could use 'nags constantly' and hint a bit about what a peloton is in the query.

    You writing is strong and I love the first 250!
    Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  8. You already have great comments here, so I will keep mine brief.

    I love how you set up the characters and introduce the conflict within the first four lines! I would, however, consider revising the first sentence of the query to read something like, "Seventeen-year-old Ramiro wanted two things: to follow his brother into the peloton and to earn his beard as a fighting man." (There were other nice suggestions for this line, too.) A hint at what the peloton is might be nice, as another person noted.

    I love the detail of your writing. You make it easy to visualize!

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