Saturday, February 15, 2014

Critique Workshop #15: SHRIVING FIRE

Title: SHRIVING FIRE
Genre: Fantasy
Word Count: 86,000

Query:

Jalana's surprise over learning that her boyfriend, Nick, is an angel, is nothing compared to the shock of accidentally sending him to another dimension.

Jalana's discovery places her squarely in the middle of a supernatural war as she works with Nick to streamline what had been thought to be impossible—crossing between dimensions without a waypoint. That is, until she stumbles on a kidnapping and watches her own work used to rip a child away from any hope of rescue.

Now Jalana is scrambling to fix her mistakes and stop the enslavement of humans. But to do this, she must team up with Takat, a dragon who already tried to kill her once. Takat soon shatters her misconceptions and she finds herself falling for him. However, nothing is going to stop Jalana from fighting the slavers.

And in war, there are casualties.

Please let me know if you would like to see SHRIVING FIRE, my fantasy manuscript that is complete at 86,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.


250:

Fire raged in front of me as my fingers danced over the input terminal pulling wisps of color into twisting tendrils. I paused trying to figure out the best way to integrate the flames over the landscape but finally pushed it to the side deciding that it would better fit the bird that was drifting in the sky. I muttered about how much work it would take to turn the tiny form into something majestic enough for the flames but luckily there was no one there to hear me talking to myself, again. I cupped my hands around the flames and the display form shimmered ever so slightly as my fingers passed through it. It looked so real that I could almost feel my hands beginning to warm up when an awful noise broke me out of my reverie.

Jerking to the side, I realized that it was my phone. As I scrambled towards the bedroom, where the perpetrator had last been seen, I saw colors misting off my hands towards the open window. Looking back at my computer in confusion I gasped realizing too late that I had never saved my picture. The screen was blank. I was still blasting obscenities in its general direction as I picked up the phone and heard a bemused “Is this a bad time, Jalana?”

“No,” I sighed, “your timing is fine. I somehow managed to magically delete what I'd been drawing and I'm pretty sure that it's gone for good.”



7 comments:

  1. Can I say I love your query opening? Good. I love your query opening.

    I've copy/pasted your query below. My comments are in caps so you can see them easier, not to yell at you.

    Jalana's surprise over learning that her boyfriend, Nick, is an angel, is nothing compared to the shock of accidentally sending him to another dimension.

    Jalana's [[discovery--OR DO YOU MEAN THE MISTAKE OF SENDING NICK TO ANOTHER DIMENSION? NOT SURE HOW THE DISCOVERY OF SOMETHING PUTS HER IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR.]]] places her [[squarely--I SUGGEST DELETING]] in the middle of a supernatural war as she works with Nick (BUT SHE SENT HIM AWAY, NO? DOES SHE GET HIM BACK? I'M CONFUSED) to streamline what had been thought to be impossible—crossing between dimensions without a waypoint. THEN WHY WORK ON STREAMLINING IT IF IT *IS* POSSIBLE? SEE WHAT I'M SAYING? KEEP IT SIMPLE. SAY THE BASICS. That is, until she stumbles on a kidnapping and watches her [[own work--IS THIS A SPELL? A TIME MACHINE? WHAT IS IT?]] used to rip a child away from any hope of rescue.

    Now Jalana [[[is scrambling--SCRAMBLES]] to [[fix--RIGHT? RECTIFY? her mistakes and stop the enslavement of humans. But to do this, she must team up with Takat, a dragon who already tried to kill her once. Takat soon shatters her misconceptions (OF WHAT?) and she finds herself falling for him (AS IN LOVE? I THOUGHT NICK WAS HER BOYFRIEND?. However, nothing is going to stop Jalana from fighting the slavers. WHAT ABOUT POOR NICK? WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM? WHERE IS HE?

    And in war, there are casualties. (I'M STILL STUCK ON WORRY ABOUT NICK!)

    SHRIVING FIRE IS AN 86,000 WORD FANTASY SET IN XXXX WORLD/TIME/PLACE.

    THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION.

    Please let me know if you would like to see SHRIVING FIRE, my fantasy manuscript that is complete at 86,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

    Your 250: Consider defining the word 'it' as often as you can. The first paragraph is full of the little word and I'm not clear what you're referring to.

    Good luck with this!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This sounds YA. You will want to specify the age range in your query. It has some similarities to my MG. Mine has dragons as people too *nervous laughing* but it does seem different.

    This fantasy seems to have a technical edge to it. The opening scene, the crossing dimensions… Jalana knows how to cross dimensions but is surprised her boyfriend is an angel, correct? How do they cross dimensions? So what is a waypoint? Is there a SciFi edge to this story?

    Is the war between angels and dragons? But she needs the help of a dragon to save the humans.
    I think the slavery element is very interesting and the kidnapping of a child is frightful. What are the baddies doing with the human slaves?

    I don’t think you need the “Please let me know if you would like to see” in the query. You want them to see it and they are reading it to determine if they want to see it.

    Good luck,

    Shawn (#12 DARKENWEAR) @ShawnTWrites on Twitter

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jalana's surprise over learning that her boyfriend, Nick, is an angel, is nothing compared to the shock of accidentally sending him to another dimension.(Great opening sentence!)

    Jalana's discovery places her squarely in the middle of a supernatural war as she works with Nick to streamline what had been thought to be impossible (stumbled here because I thought Nick was gone and she had find him)—crossing between dimensions without a waypoint.

    [That is, until she] cut. When she stumbles on a kidnapping and watches her own work used to rip a child away from any hope of rescue.[Now] Jalana [is] scrambles[ing] to fix her mistakes. (She must) [and] stop the enslavement of humans. (I stopped right here because I don't know where this came from. I thought it was just one kid that was kidnapped). But to do this, she must team up with Takat, a dragon who already tried to kill her once. Takat soon shatters her misconceptions and she finds herself falling for him (for a Dragon? What happened to Nick?). However, nothing is going to stop Jalana from fighting the slavers.

    And in war, there are casualties.

    I like the premise but I was very confused by the Query. I loved the opening line, it immediately got my attention. But then you lost me because I thought that Nick had been sent to another dimension and Jalana would have to find him. That's what I picked up from the beginning. I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself but I'm not sure if I was clear in my notes above.


    First 250:

    I found your opening paragraph very descriptive. But I didn't know what she was doing. It sounds more magical to me. Perhaps instead 'input terminal' put keyboard. If that's what you mean?

    Note:
    switch 'reverie' to daydream just to make it a little simpler.

    Sounds like a great concept! Well done!

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Query:

    Jalana's surprise over learning that her boyfriend, Nick, is an angel, is nothing compared to the shock of accidentally sending him to another dimension. (It’s widespread knowledge that Paranormal is a hard sell lately. You need unique elements. I like how succinct your query is but that does mean it lacks the specific details that also might help it get noticed. Maybe put a little bit about Jalana here. I’m not getting much sense of her personality in the query.)

    Jalana's discovery places her squarely in the middle of a supernatural war(a little detail on this? What makes it a unique war? Who is warring?) as she works with Nick to streamline what had been thought to be impossible—crossing between dimensions without a waypoint(What sort of waypoint did they use in the past?). That is, until she stumbles on a kidnapping and watches her own work used to rip a child away from any hope of rescue. (The why is bothering me here. Why kidnap? Below you say enslavement, but for what purpose?)

    Now Jalana is scrambling to fix her mistakes and stop the enslavement of humans. But to do this, she must team up with Takat, a dragon who already tried to kill her once. (Why Takat? What skill does he have to help her?) Takat soon shatters her misconceptions and she finds herself falling for him. However, nothing is going to stop Jalana from fighting the slavers. (I’m not sure about these stakes. Why would falling in love keep her from fighting? There is a connection missing between the two sentences. This query leaves me with a lot of questions. Is this humans against angels with dragons neutral? What are they fighting over? I feel we need more details.)

    And in war, there are casualties.

    Please let me know if you would like to see SHRIVING FIRE, my fantasy manuscript that is complete at 86,000 words. (The usual wording is SHRIVING FIRE is a fantasy, compete at 86,000 words.)Thank you for your consideration.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love the opening of the query, but would take out all three commas. It's too much. "her boyfriend Nick is an angel..." works fine without the commas. Don't say "Please let me know if you would like to see..." Assume they want to see it. Just give the name, genre, and word count.

    Honestly, I feel like the query could use a lot more detail. I'm really not sure what's going on here: Who's enslaving humans? Who's in the war? Are the angels good or bad? Who thought it was impossible to cross worlds without a waypoint? I like the opening sentence and the end, but would flesh the middle out a bit. Tell me what makes your story different to make me want to read it.

    The second sentence in your first 250 is too clunky. Either break it up into two or add a couple of commas and shorten it. Your first paragraph is four pretty long/complex sentences. Breaking up the structure can help prevent getting the reader too bogged down early on.

    Avoid "could see" or "I saw". Just tell what's happening. Unless her eyes are closed, we can assume she sees everything that's being described. It's also really easy to fall into the trap of using "was," but try to use more active verbs whenever possible.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My first instinct is to advise we need more context for the first paragraphs so we know what is happening. But I'm not sure on that advice. It does keep me curious enough to keep reading to find out what she's doing.

    There is a lot of filtering and a little editing would make it read smoother.

    250:

    Fire raged in front of me as my fingers danced over the input terminal pulling wisps of color into twisting tendrils. I paused trying to figure out the best way to integrate the flames over the landscape but finally pushed it to the side(comma) deciding that it would better fit the bird that was drifting in the sky. I muttered about how much work it would take to turn the tiny form into something majestic enough for the flames but luckily there was no one there to hear me talking to myself, again. I cupped my hands around the flames and the display form shimmered ever so slightly as my fingers passed through it. It looked so real that I could almost feel my hands beginning to warm up(cut ‘up’) when an awful noise broke me out of my reverie. (This is pretty unique. Why isn’t this mentioned in the query? Maybe as a first sentence to tell us about Jalana.)

    Jerking to the side, I realized that it was my phone. As I scrambled towards the bedroom, where the perpetrator had last been seen(not sure what this parts means), I saw(Cut ‘I saw.’ …seen, colors misted off…) colors misting off my hands towards the open window. Looking back at my computer in confusion I gasped(comma) realizing too late that I had never saved my picture. The screen was blank. I was still blasting obscenities in its general direction as I picked up the phone and heard a bemused “Is this a bad time, Jalana?”

    “No,” I sighed, “your timing is fine. I somehow managed to magically delete what I'd been drawing and I'm pretty sure that it's gone for good.”

    ReplyDelete
  7. I saw that Michelle already warned you about how hard paranormal is right now. It's not that it's bad, it just has to have strong, unique elements to catch people's attention. I don't know that it does right now (sorry). And what I hate about saying that, is that it's well written. Your query has a ton of solid elements, woven together to piece out the story, but I'm not sure if it's going to be enough. Your query is good, but you need to bring out the parts of your novel that haven't been done. I really wish there were something else to say, but you have the form of a query down pat.

    In the first paragraph, I had to read it four times to figure out what was really going on. I would need more grounding because I thought you were in a dream and she was waking up. My advice is to give the reader just a bit more grounding so we can tell what she's doing rather than trusting us to sort of catch on that she isn't whipping up magical fire across the landscape (it is fantasy, and I was sort of disappointed when I figured out she was just working on an art project).

    About that last line where she's worried she lost something, practically every computer program on the planet responds to ctrl-z which undoes the last ~5-20 key strokes (some quite a few more), so someone making art on a computer should know that.

    Last, if this isn't a YA, I'm shocked. I know that you don't have it listed anywhere, but the voice, subject and emphasis of the query say YA. Be sure to identify what age category you're going for when you send this into the trenches.

    ReplyDelete