Saturday, February 15, 2014

Critique Workshop #16: GLASS HAND

Title: GLASS HAND
Genre: YA Contemporary Retelling
Word Count: WIP

Query:

Cyra Berque wants two things in life: a date with Rochan and a chance to show the world that a girl with one hand can fence in the Olympics. To make enough money to train at that level, Cyra teaches classes and tutors whenever she can. When her coach informs her that he has taught her everything he can, he sets her up with another coach, but the new coach costs more money. Feeling her dreams slipping out of reach, Cyra agrees to tutor a ballerina with a rich father and a D minus in English. He’ll pay Cyra three times her usual rate if she can get his precious daughter to a passing grade. The ballerina only has eyes for Rochan, and she has promised Cyra to turn her D into an F if Cyra doesn’t help her win the heart of the boy.

Cyra has no intention of giving up either dream.

GLASS HAND, a work in progress, is a YA contemporary retelling of Cyrano de Bergerac with the gender roles reversed. I fenced in college, giving me insight into the sport of sword play. The first page is pasted below.

First 250:
I pushed into the hallway traffic and wished classes could just be over. They took up too much time, and I wanted to get back to practice. The racquet ball flexed between my fingers, cracks opening across the blue material. I’d need another in a month or so.

“Louis Vuitton is where it’s at,” Sara Davies told one of her toadies as she passed. Her eye caught mine, and she stopped.

“Oh, hi Sara.” I pretended to be pleasant and put the ball behind my back. She liked to tease me about my training tecniques.

Sara looked down her perfect nose at me. “Cyra,” she said, raising an eyebrow as if she’d just found a slug in her point shoes. Her toadies twittered. Half of them would be gone by Winter Ball. The Freshman year was tough on ballerinas.

I fenced in the salle just beneath the ballet studio. Their teacher yelled in a Russian accent about how they had to lose weight to keep from having breasts. In ballet, everything had to be perfect: exquisite body, dripping with talent, stage presence, hard work, form, everything. One thing out of place could ruin it all—too much curve of the hip or a lazy extension and someone was relegated to the wings.

“My, that’s a low cut shirt.” It wasn’t, but her eyes snapped to mine. For a ballerina, there was nothing worse than being well endowed.

Her eyes narrowed. “I can wear what I like, when I like, but some of us should think of spandex as a privilege, not a right.” 

7 comments:

  1. Wow. Great opening line for the query.

    I've copy/pasted your query below. My comments are in caps for ease of reading them, not to yell at you.

    (HOW OLD IS SHE?)) Cyra Berque wants two things in life: a date with Rochan and a chance to show the world that a girl with one hand can fence in the Olympics. To make enough money to train at that level, Cyra teaches classes ((WHAT KIND OF CLASSES??) and ((tutors--TUTORS WHAT??) whenever she can. [[When CYRA MANAGES, MAKING ENDS MEET UNTIL her coach informs her that SHE NEEDS A STRONGER/MORE QUALIFIED??? COACHhe has taught her everything he can, he sets her up with another coach, but [[the new coach costs more money. Feeling her dreams slipping out of reach, Cyra agrees to tutor a ballerina with a rich father and a D minus in English. ((He’ll--WHO??) pay Cyra three times her usual rate if she can get his precious daughter to a passing grade. The ballerina only has eyes for Rochan, and she has promised Cyra to turn her D into an F if Cyra doesn’t help her win the heart of the boy.---GOOD.

    Cyra has no intention of giving up either dream. SO WHAT'S HER PLAN? GET US TO THAT POINT.

    GLASS HAND, a work in progress, is a YA contemporary retelling of Cyrano de Bergerac with the gender roles reversed. WHERE IS THE STORY SET? RUSSIA? THE SOUTH OF THE US? BRAZIL?I fenced in college, giving me insight into the sport of sword play. The first page is pasted below.

    Your first 250: In the first paragraph I'd say another BALL.

    The paragraph "I fenced...." takes us out of the moment. I'd either shorten it. Or delete it from here and put in later.

    You refer to eyes a lot. I'd look for other beats.

    Good luck with this!

    ReplyDelete
  2. What a premise, and the stakes are crystal clear! And I did get the “perfect nose” reference, a subtle wink to the original story, in the first 250 words.

    The banter between the girls at the end of the 250 was great. I think this could be a very strong twist to the classic story line. A fencer with only one hand and a shot at Olympic gold, talk about drive. I really like the MC right off the bat. I don’t read a ton of contemporary, but this would keep me reading.

    The new coach “costing more than money” – does that mean what I think it does? Is he coming on to Cyra? If so, that’s a dark shadow in the story line.

    I don’t get a sense of Rochan from the query or the first words. Is he a jock, a musician, Cyra’s best friend? What does Cyra have that could help Sarah get the guy. Sarah seems to think that she’s all that. In the original story it’s words.

    Also, Cyra and Sarah are both driven and it sounds like the ballerina’s have some serious pressure on them. Will the two girls bond over their similar pressures?

    Good luck,

    Shawn (#12 DARKENWEAR) @ShawnTWrites on Twitter

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your query is strong. You might benefit from breaking it into a few paragraph to make it easier on the eyes.
    I would start a new paragraph before "When her coach informs her..." and "Feeling her dreams..."

    Her toadies twittered. I IGNORED THEM WITH THE SATISFYING THOUGHT THAT Half of them would be gone by Winter Ball.

    Is she self conscious about her missing hand? Does the other girl tease her about it? That might be something to bring up in their conversation.

    You've got a good start but you seem to be concentrating more on the ballerinas and their difficulties than on the main character and her struggles.

    Good luck with your book.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Query:

    Cyra Berque wants two things in life: a date with Rochan and a chance to show the world that a girl with one hand can fence in the Olympics.(leave this in a paragraph of it's own for impact).

    To make enough money to train at that level, Cyra teaches classes and tutors whenever she can. [When]cut (One day Cyra's [her] coach informs her that (in order for her to continue to exceed she must switch to a new Trainer.[he has taught her everything he can, he sets her up with another coach], (B)but the new coach costs more money.

    Feeling her dreams slipping out of reach, Cyra agrees to tutor a ballerina with a rich father and a D minus in English. He’ll pay Cyra three times her usual rate if she can get his precious daughter to a passing grade. (But Cyra soon realizes that)The ballerina only has eyes for Rochan and (her world is turned upside down when the girl (threatens) [has promised] to turn her D into an F if Cyra doesn’t help her win the heart of the boy.

    Cyra has no intention of giving up either dream.

    I hope this helps somewhat. I just separated the paragraphs for great impact. These are strong stakes and you want the Agent/Reader to feel that.

    First 250:

    I like your opening page. It's a very competitive world in Ballet and I felt that here. But I thought your 5th paragraph was a little to much show. Telling the reader how it is in ballet rather than just placing the information throughout the MS. Does that make sense?

    ReplyDelete
  5. What a great premise! You have gotten some great feedback already. I also love the banter between the two girls.

    A couple of things: Can you build on this line a bit more: 'Cyra has no intention of giving up either dream.'

    And try to get a little bit of setting in the query. As it stands we have no idea where it takes place.

    Best of luck with this!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Query:

    Cyra Berque wants two things in life: a date with Rochan and a chance to show the world that a girl with one hand can fence in the Olympics. (Maybe end the paragraph here.)

    To make enough money to train at that level, Cyra teaches classes and tutors whenever she can. When her coach informs her that he has taught her everything he can(More concise. When her coach admits she surpasses his skill), he sets her up with another coach, but the new coach(one? Overusing the word ‘coach’ here.) costs more money. Feeling her dreams slipping out of reach(Her dreams fading fast?), Cyra agrees to tutor a ballerina with a rich father and a D minus in English(I assumed her teaching was in the sword, not school so this caught me off guard.). He’ll pay Cyra three times her usual rate if she can get his precious daughter to a passing grade.

    The ballerina only has eyes for Rochan, and she has promised Cyra to turn her D into an F if Cyra doesn’t help her win the heart of the boy.

    Cyra has no intention of giving up either dream. (I’d consider fleshing this out a little more. It’s a love story, but I know little about the love interest. Give us some of what Rochan means to her. How does she know him? What do they do together? Why is he special/the one?)

    GLASS HAND, a work in progress, is a YA contemporary retelling of Cyrano de Bergerac with the gender roles reversed. I fenced in college, giving me insight into the sport of sword play. The first page is pasted below.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Nice voice!

    First 250:
    I pushed into the hallway traffic and wished classes could just be over. They took up too much time, and I wanted to get back to practice. The racquet ball flexed between my fingers, cracks opening across the blue material. I’d need another in a month or so. (Makes me curious.)

    “Louis Vuitton is where it’s at,” Sara Davies told one of her toadies as she passed. Her eye caught mine, and she stopped.

    “Oh, hi Sara.” I pretended to be pleasant(I flashed an insincere smile) and put the ball behind my back. She liked to tease me about my training tecniques.(Techniques)

    Sara looked down her perfect nose at me. “Cyra,” she said,(Cut the tag. “Cyra.” She raised an …) raising an eyebrow as if she’d just(Watch ‘just.’ It’s a crutch word. That’s two.) found a slug in her point shoes. Her toadies twittered. Half of them would be gone by Winter Ball. The(cut ‘the’) Freshman year was tough on ballerinas. (I’m wondering what type of school this is. Is it for artists and athletes?)

    I fenced in the salle just(Three. Cut ‘just’) beneath the ballet studio. Their teacher yelled in a Russian accent about how they had to lose weight to keep from having(developing?) breasts. In ballet, everything had to be perfect: exquisite body, dripping with talent, stage presence, hard work, form, everything. One thing out of place could ruin it all—too much curve of the hip or a lazy extension and someone was relegated to the wings. (now compare this to fencing and it’s gold!)

    ReplyDelete