Title: BLACK FEATHER BOY
Genre: MG Fantasy
Word Count: 46,000
Query:
An unwitting boy sprouts black feathers. Soon whisked away to an enchanted land, he must prove his worth as the only remaining son of the Lord of the Sea while battling the Red Man who wants nothing more than his head on a platter.
The people of the small town of Knolls Hollow know how to keep a secret. When eleven year old Cornelius Mathers walks down the street he can see the wondering looks behind the smiles and he can hear the whispers. Yet no-one will tell him anything more than he was found down by the river.
One day Cornelius sees a peculiar old man who seems to appear where-ever the young boy goes. Who is he? What does he want? It's on the eve of his twelfth birthday, when Cornelius sprouts a single black feather on his back, that the boy looks out his bedroom window and spots the stranger once again. Desperate for answers, Cornelius finally confronts the old man who introduces himself as Wurzel Pickens, friend and most trusted confidante to Cornelius' birth Father, Lord Aengus. Lord of the Sea and all that lies beneath the waves.
For his entire life, Cornelius has wondered about his past. But little did he know that the answers would lie with a town sworn to silence, a mysterious Wizard, a nine hundred year old curse and a magical Kingdom governed by the ruthless Red Man who has dedicated his life to killing Aengus' last remaining son.
With no choice but to return to the Kingdom of Gora, Cornelius must face not only the Red Man but the people of this good Kingdom who have suffered a terrible darkness following his Father's descent into despair. Cornelius must prove his worth as heir to the Kingdom or die at the hands of the Red Man.
First 250:
The old man, dressed from head-to-toe in purple stood in front of the hat store window and Cornelius Mathers couldn’t help but stare. With only one road in and one road out of Knolls Hollow it wasn’t too often that a stranger could make it past the prying eyes of the locals.
Eleven-year-old Cornelius, standing safely across the street, forgot all his manners and inspected the peculiar man’s long purple robe and tall pointed hat, the crest of which crumpled to the side in what would appear to be defeat.
Cornelius pulled his gym bag tighter and glanced uncomfortably over his shoulder at the otherwise empty street. The storefronts remained in darkness and except for the odd car that could be heard in the distance, the sleepy town was silent.
The man, short and bent over, looked into the darkened window, his long nose almost touching his chin that seemed to curl up at the end. Even from this distance, Cornelius could see the heavy wrinkles that wound and snaked their way along the old man’s cheeks and the boy felt bad that he had ever thought it was impossible to have more lines on your face than Mrs. Pratt who lived down the street.
Cornelius Mathers, a shy and awkward boy, for reasons unknown eased himself into a darkened doorway and watched the stranger carefully. It was soon thereafter that the stranger raised a trembling hand and with a quick snap of his fingers disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.
I've copy/pasted your query below. I've written my comments in all caps, not to yell at you, but to make the comments easier to read.
ReplyDeleteAn unwitting boy sprouts black feathers. Soon whisked away to an enchanted land, he must prove his worth as the only remaining son of the Lord of the Sea while battling the Red Man who [[wants/DEMANDS/CRAVES/WISHES/ORDERS [[nothing more than--DELETE]] his head on a platter.--I LIKE THIS OPENING.
The people of the small town of Knolls Hollow know how to keep a secret. When eleven year old Cornelius Mathers walks down the street he [[can see--SEES]] the wondering looks behind the smiles and he [[[can hear--HEARS]]] the whispers. Yet no-one will tell him anything more than he was [[found--DISCOVERED/RECOVERED? down by the river (HOW LONG AGO?).
One day Cornelius sees a peculiar old man who seems to appear where-ever the young boy goes.--YOU SAY 'ONE DAY' BUT IF HE'S ALWAYS SEEING THIS OLD MAN??? IS IT ONLY ON THIS ONE DAY THIS MAN KEEPS FOLLOWING HIM??? Who is he? What does he want? [[It's--DELETE]] on the eve of his twelfth birthday[[, when--DELETE]] Cornelius sprouts a single black feather on his back, that the boy looks out his bedroom window and spots the stranger once again. Desperate for answers, Cornelius [[finally--DELETE]] confronts the old man who introduces himself as Wurzel Pickens, friend and most trusted confidante to Cornelius' birth Father, Lord Aengus. Lord of the Sea and all that lies beneath the waves.
For his entire life, Cornelius has wondered about his past. But little did he know that the answers would lie with a town sworn to silence, a mysterious Wizard, a nine hundred year old curse and a magical Kingdom governed by the ruthless Red Man who has dedicated his life to killing Aengus' last remaining son.
YOU'RE RETELLING THE WHOLE OPENING LINE. WHY? I SUGGEST DELETE THE OPENING LINE OR USE IT (WHICH I LIKE--BUT YOU KNOW THE STORY BEST) AND GET TO THE MEAT OF THE STORY, WHICH IS IN THE OTHER LAND, THE KINGDOM OF GORA.
With no choice but to return to the Kingdom of Gora, Cornelius must face not only the Red Man but the people of this good Kingdom who have suffered a terrible darkness following his Father's descent into despair. Cornelius must prove his worth as heir to the Kingdom or die at the hands of the Red Man..
Your 250. I think it's great. Not sure why you used his full name again in the last paragraph.
Good luck with this!
I like your first paragraph of the query but it doesn't fit with the rest of the query. I would personally start with "When eleven year old Cornelius Mathers walks down the street he is always followed by wondering looks and whispers." and go from there.
ReplyDeleteYour 250 words aren't bad but I think that you could go a little further into the description of the mysterious man since the mysteriousness of the man is what your are using to draw in the reader instead of action.
I'll try to come up with a quick example so that you get the idea of what I'm saying.
...inspected the peculiar man's long purple robe as it wriggled around him, almost as if it had a life of it's own. But even the robe was mundane compared to the tall pointed hat. It was well worn, yet at the same time seemed to vibrate with vitality that was contrary to the way that the tip was crumpled to the side in defeat.
"Cornelius Mathers, a shy and awkward boy, for reasons unknown eased" I would leave out for reasons unknown.
Overall, these aren't bad. If you rework them a little and make them flow smoothly, you will be set.
I like the first paragraph, but you might want to start with, “When 11yo Cornelius Mathers…” The query is pretty detailed. It almost seems like the start of a synopsis. Is there a way to hone it down? You have great content to work with.
ReplyDeleteThe premise is wonderful and you have colorful world building. I love the names! Wurzel Pickens is a terrific name. That being said, you might want to limit the amount of names in the query. Cornelius, Red Man, and the Lord of the Sea seem to be the important ones to keep.
The gym bag makes me think the story starts out in modern times in our world. Is this the case?
I don’t think you need the Mrs. Pratt reference. We don’t know her to know how many lines are on her face.
I don’t think you need “a shy and awkward boy, for reasons unknown” in the last part. Can you show us this by describing his uneasy look as he fidgets with the gym bag and backs into the shadows certain that the old man was scanning the empty streets just for him – something like that.
Good luck,
Shawn (#12 DARKENWEAR) @ShawnTWrites on Twitter
I also copy/pasted your query below and my comments are in caps just for easy reading(not for yelling).
ReplyDeleteAn unwitting boy sprouts black feathers. Soon (AFTERWARDS, HE IS)whisked away to an enchanted land, he must prove his worth as the only remaining son of the Lord of the Sea while battling the Red Man who wants nothing more than his head on a platter.
The people of the small town of Knolls Hollow know (KNOLLS/KNOW IS A BIT CONFUSING MAYBE- KNOLLS HOLLOW ARE EXPERTS AT KEEPING SECRETS)how to keep a secret. When eleven year old Cornelius Mathers walks down the street he can see the wondering looks behind the smiles and he can hear the whispers(AND THE WHISPERS BEHIND HIS BACK). Yet no-one will tell him anything more than he was found down by the river.
One day Cornelius sees a peculiar old man who seems to appear where-ever the young boy goes. Who is he? What does he want? It's on the eve of his twelfth birthday, when Cornelius sprouts a single black feather on his back, that the boy looks out his bedroom window and spots the stranger once again. Desperate for answers, Cornelius finally confronts the old man who introduces himself as Wurzel Pickens, friend and most trusted confidante to Cornelius' birth Father, Lord Aengus. Lord of the Sea and all that lies beneath the waves.
For (CUT FOR)his entire life, Cornelius has wondered about his past. But little did he know that the answers would lie with a town sworn to silence, a mysterious Wizard, a nine hundred year old curse and a magical Kingdom governed by the ruthless Red Man who has dedicated his life to killing Aengus' last remaining son.
With no choice but to return to the Kingdom of Gora, Cornelius must face not only the Red Man but the people of this good Kingdom who have suffered a terrible darkness following his Father's descent into despair. Cornelius must prove his worth as heir to the Kingdom or die at the hands of the Red Man.
I really like your first 250. Nice! Best of luck with this!
(#11 Natalie Knoze)
I feel like this query dwells too long on small points that don't matter so much. Get rid of them and you have more space to spend on the acutal conflict which is between Cornelius and the Red Man. Tell us what Cornelius wants after the discovers the truth about his history. Then bring in the Red Man sooner and his evil agenda.
ReplyDeleteQuery:
An unwitting boy sprouts black feathers.(I feel that you need to name your MC and give his age here.) Soon whisked away to an enchanted land, he must prove his worth as the only remaining son of the Lord of the Sea while battling the Red Man who wants nothing more than his head on a platter. (This feels like a twitter pitch. Consider leaving it off and starting with below.)
The people of the small town of Knolls Hollow know how to keep a secret. When eleven year old(hyphen this eleven-year-old) Cornelius Mathers walks down the street he can see(sees) the wondering looks behind the smiles and he can hear(hears) the whispers. Yet no-one will tell him anything more than he was found down by the river.(Yet no one will explain his history beyond they found him down by the river.)
One day Cornelius sees a peculiar old man who seems to appear where-ever the young boy goes. Who is he? What does he want?(The old man feels like a minor piece to the puzzle and could easily by left off.) It's on the eve of his twelfth birthday, when Cornelius sprouts a single black feather on his back, that the boy looks out his bedroom window and spots the stranger once again.(Without the old man it looks like this--On the eve of his twelfth birth day, Cornelius sprouts a single black feather on his back. Desperate for answers, Cornelius confronts an old man who seems to be the key. The old man is a wizard, and Cornelius’s birth father is Lord Aengus, Lord of the Sea and all that lies beneath the waves.) Desperate for answers, Cornelius finally confronts the old man who introduces himself as Wurzel Pickens, friend and most trusted confidante to Cornelius' birth Father, Lord Aengus. Lord of the Sea and all that lies beneath the waves.
(Here would be a good place for a sentence about Cornelius feels about his discovery and what he wants. His motivation. Then what does the Red Man want.) For his entire life, Cornelius has wondered about his past. But little did he know that the answers would lie with a town sworn to silence, a mysterious Wizard, a nine hundred year old curse and a magical Kingdom governed by the ruthless Red Man who has dedicated his life to killing Aengus' last remaining son. (this is interesting but it needs to be spread out more. A nine hundred-year-old curse has given the magical Kingdom to the ruthless Red Man. Killing the heir will give the Kingdom to him forever.)
With no choice but to return to the Kingdom of Gora, Cornelius must face not only the Red Man but the people of this good Kingdom who have suffered a terrible darkness following his Father's descent into despair (? This comes from nowhere.). Cornelius must prove his worth as heir to the Kingdom or die at the hands of the Red Man.
I really feel like this opener introduces me to Cornelius and gives me a sense of his personality. It made me like him!
ReplyDeleteFirst 250:
The old man, dressed from head-to-toe in purple stood in front of the hat store window(maybe window of the hat store) and Cornelius Mathers couldn’t help but stare. With only one road in and one road out of Knolls Hollow it wasn’t too often that a stranger could make(made) it past the prying eyes of the locals.
Eleven-year-old(Putting his age here feels unnatural From safe across the street, Conrelius forgot all his manners …) Cornelius, standing safely across the street, forgot all his manners and inspected the peculiar man’s long purple robe and tall pointed hat, the crest of which crumpled to the side in what would appear to be defeat.
Cornelius pulled his gym bag tighter and glanced uncomfortably over his shoulder at the otherwise empty street.(Nice touch!) The storefronts remained (dark) in darkness and except for the odd car that could be heard in the distance, the sleepy town was silent.
The man, short and bent over, looked into the darkened window, his long nose almost touching his chin that seemed to curl up at the end. Even from this distance, Cornelius could see(Noticed?) the heavy wrinkles that wound and snaked their way along the old man’s cheeks(Maybe end here and turn the rest into a question. How had he ever thought it impossible to have more lines on your face than his neighbor Mrs. Pratt? Good bit of personalization! Makes me grow closer to Cornelius.)) and the boy felt bad that he had ever thought it was impossible to have more lines on your face than Mrs. Pratt who lived down the street.
Cornelius Mathers, a shy and awkward boy(Show us he is shy and awkward with the verbs. For reason unknown, Cornelius hugged the darkened doorway and watched the stranger carefully.), for reasons unknown eased himself into a darkened doorway and watched the stranger carefully. It was soon thereafter that the stranger raised a trembling hand and(comma) with a quick snap of his fingers(comma) disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.
I like the premise of this. It reminds me a little bit of Keepers of the Lost City by Messenger and, of course, the Olympian Half-blood series by Riordan.
ReplyDeleteQuery
This is an issue of personal preference, but your query is really long. I like them really short. I'm a fan of the 180 words or fewer (220 tops). And that should include the part of the query where you summarize the novel with a genre and word count. You need to cut right down to it. I recommend that you focus on the main character, what he wants, who or what is trying to stop him from getting it, and what will happen if he doesn't get it. By focusing on this aspect (and letting some of the mystery go), you might be able to do what you need to with your query (grab the interest of an agent).
As for the first 250, I really can't improve on Michelle's critique. I know that's sort of cheating, but if you follow her suggestions, you'll really be on to something great. Good luck!