Saturday, February 22, 2014

Critique Workshop #18: BEHIND THE TANGLE TREES

Behind the Tangle Trees
Middle Grade Science-Fiction/Fantasy
Word Count: 52,000 (WIP)


Query:


Ten-year-old Kenton has a secret: he’s a refugee from The Company. Sworn to secrecy, he carries the lie of where he is really from around like a weight. A month after moving to Clib, he gets a new secret when he meets an Ulu in the dark, twisted tangle tree forest. The nocturnal creatures are alike, yet very different from the colony legend. Alongside his best friend Spryte, he works to communicate with the natives that live behind the tangle trees.


Sleep deprived, Kenton falls behind in school and falls asleep at dinner. His parents grow concerned, threatening to end his nightly trips to the Ulu village. When Clib’s leaders discover they don’t have enough tanglestone to make the colony’s winter payment, a representative from The Company visits Clib with interest in buying out the colony. Kenton suspects The Company is not only interested in acquiring the sole rights to tanglestone, but in reacquiring his family too.


Kenton is forced to decide between turning to the Ulus for help or keeping them secret from The Company who would exploit the gentle creatures. When he and Spryte overhear his parents talking about tanglestone stolen from the harvest, they hatches a plan to save the colony and keep the Ulus hidden, but they only has two days and everyone’s a suspect.


First 250:


Chapter 1 – A Smooth Landing


Kenton jogged to the back of the old shuttle. His baggy brown ship suit billowed out behind him like a parachute. He couldn’t wait to climb a tree and eat fruit grown in actual soil. More than anything, Kenton wanted to run with the wind in his face. He wanted to let his feet pound the ground until he couldn’t breathe, not until the timer beeped on a treadmill during recess. He hadn’t done any of these things in over a year.

“Dad, it’s time,” Kenton called. His father’s the towering figure bent over to zip the duffle bag shut.

“Ready,” Dad said and straightened. He looked Kenton over with a critical eye. “Hmmm, your brother’s clothes are way too big on you. Here.” Dad reached into his bag, pulling out a webbed utility belt. “Put this on.” Kenton flushed and wished he hadn’t outgrown his own clothes.

“Jerry! Kenton!” Mom called from the front of the ship. “Are you coming?”

Dad glanced at Kenton, his brow wrinkled, then toward Mom’s voice with a longing sigh. He didn’t like to keep her waiting.

“Go ahead, Dad. I’ll be right behind you.”

“Coming.” Dad hurried away.

Kenton fumbled with the belt, getting it hung up in the loop on the back of his ship suit. No matter how he pulled, it was stuck. The voices outside grew louder as he fought with his clothes. Twisting and wriggling, he pulled the ship suit around until he saw the snag. Dad’s hearty laugh carried to the back of the ship. Kenton had just freed the belt when he thought he heard someone call his name. With a groan, he stared at the offending belt and considered chucking it.

8 comments:

  1. Your first 250 is good, imo. It's only the first-half query that I have a critique for.

    Your Query:
    1. First sentence could draw me in more: what's so scary about being a refugee from the Company? Since this is your first introduction to the story, you want to pull in the reader.
    2. The third sentence: "the creatures are alike, but very different from colony legend" doesn't really tell the reader anything. I don't know what the colony legend is so I can't say what's alike or different. All I know is that they are nocturnal.
    3. Last sentence grammar error: they hatch a plan, not hatches
    4. You use secret three times in the first paragraph. You can switch it up by saying "he discovers the Ulus are blahblahblah"
    5. I like the stakes in the novel: whether to enlist the Ulus for help or to maintain their secret.

    First 250:
    1. I like the first paragraph.
    2. The introduction to the family is well-done.
    3. I feel like the setting is vivid and the writing is easy to understand.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've copy/pasted your query below. My comments are in caps to make for easier reading, not to yell at you.

    I like suspense and you've got a good MG suspense here.


    Ten-year-old Kenton has a secret: he’s a refugee from The Company. Sworn to secrecy (YOU OPEN UP TELLING US HE HAS A SECRET, MAY NOT BE NECESSARY TO SAY HE'S SWORN TO SECRECY OR YOU DELETE THE FIRST LINE AND USE THIS ONE?, he carries the lie of where he is really from around like a weight.--WHY NOT TELL US WHERE HE'S REALLY FROM? A month after moving to Clib, he [[gets a new secret--IS BESTOWED MORE SECRETS? when he meets an Ulu in the dark, twisted tangle tree forest. The nocturnal creatures are alike, yet very different from the colony legend. Alongside his best friend Spryte, [[he--SAY HIS NAME AGAIN]] [[works to communicate--COMMUNICATES? OR EXPLAIN WHY IT'S 'WORK'. DO THEY SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE? WHAT? with the natives that live behind the tangle trees.


    Sleep deprived, Kenton falls behind in school and falls asleep at dinner. His parents grow concerned, threatening to end his nightly trips to the Ulu village. When Clib’s leaders discover they don’t have enough tanglestone to make the colony’s winter payment, a representative from The Company visits Clib with interest in buying out the colony. Kenton suspects The Company is not only interested in acquiring the sole rights to tanglestone, but in reacquiring his family too.--I LIKE THIS 2ND PARAGRAPH.


    Kenton is forced to decide between turning to the Ulus for help or keeping them secret from The Company who would exploit the gentle creatures. When he and Spryte overhear his parents talking about tanglestone stolen from the harvest, they [[hatches--HATCH]] a plan to save the colony and keep the Ulus hidden, but they only [[has--HAVE]] two days and everyone’s a suspect--A SUSPECT IN WHAT? TO WHAT? I'M LOST

    YOU CAN INCLUDE A CLOSING SENTENCE THAT EXPLAINS BEHIND THE TANGLE TREES IS 52,000 WORD MIDDLE GRADE NOVEL SET IN WHATCHAMACALLIT WORLD.

    Your first 250 seem in great shape to me!

    Good luck with this.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think you've got some interesting ideas here, they just need to be straightened out a bit.
    Query: First paragraph is confusing - I think paring down the sentence might help. "Ten-year-old Kenton has a heavy secret: he is a refugee from The Company." Or something like that. There's just so much going on already, it's hard to follow. Also, although you refer to the "nocturnal creatures", I think you need to be clearer about why Kenton is so sleepy - he stays up all night to communicate with the natives.
    I think you have the makings of a great query, but need to summarize less and hit the high points more. Why is Kenton trying to communicate with the natives? Curiosity? Does he have a mission? Why is he a refugee (sounds like because his family was sold, but not clear) Why is tanglestone important? What is the main conflict? Are the stakes saving the Ulus or preventing the Company from reacquiring his family?
    Finally - maybe you just didn't include it with your sample, but when you are actually querying, be sur eto include your ms title IN CAPS plus word count and genre.

    First 250:
    Love your opening lines about eating fruit grown in the ground, etc. Nice. I think the last paragraph is a bit overwritten - we want to get to the first tension point quickly, so lingering for a long time over the tangled belt might lose your reader. Also, Dad's "longing sigh" - maybe a different adjective. "Worried sigh" Not sure what he's longing to do?

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think there is a really cute story in here, but the query is rather confusing. It gives us terms and places but no explanation.

    Query:


    Ten-year-old Kenton has a secret: he’s a refugee from The Company. (This doesn’t work well as a hook because we don’t know what the Company means.) Sworn to secrecy(repeat on secret from the first sentence.), he carries the lie of where he is really from around like a weight.(As we don’t know where’s he’s from this doesn’t help much.) A month after moving to Clib, he gets a new secret when he meets an Ulu in the dark, twisted tangle tree forest.(I have no context to base this on. I don’t what they are.) The nocturnal creatures are alike, yet very different from the colony legend.(I don’t know the legend so I can’t compare.) Alongside his best friend Spryte, he works to communicate with the natives that live behind the tangle trees. (Why?)

    (Consider explaining things a little better. Ten-year-old Kenton is happy to leave the restraining and profit-grubbing reaches of the Company far behind when his family moves to Clib to escape. Clib is near a dark and tangled forest and Kenton is enthralled by the nocturnal and undiscovered Ulu living inside it. He and his best friend work to communicate with the shy nocturnal natives living in the trees. (Giving some description of the Ulu would help make them more interesting.))


    Sleep deprived, Kenton falls behind in school and falls asleep at dinner. His parents grow concerned, threatening to end his nightly trips to the Ulu village. When(Then) Clib’s leaders discover they don’t have enough tanglestone to make the colony’s winter payment, a representative from The Company visits Clib with interest in buying out the colony. Kenton suspects The Company is not only interested in acquiring the sole rights to tanglestone(Consider leaving out tanglestone as it adds a side plot to the mix Maybe just say acquiring the forest.), but in reacquiring his family too.(Would help if we knew what his family did for the Company.)


    Kenton is forced to decide between turning to the Ulus for help or keeping them secret from The Company who would exploit the gentle creatures.(exploit them how? with what?) When he and Spryte overhear his parents talking about tanglestone stolen from the harvest, they hatches(hatch) a plan to save the colony and keep the Ulus hidden, but they only has(have) two days and everyone’s a suspect. (but they have only two days until the sale is final and don’t know who to trust)

    ReplyDelete
  5. The first paragraph is especially engaging! But I did notice this felt much more science fiction than the query. There was nothing in the query to tell me about the futuristic aspects of the story and it might be a nice detail to add some.

    First 250:


    Chapter 1 – A Smooth Landing


    Kenton jogged to the back of the old shuttle. His baggy brown ship suit billowed out(cut) behind him like a parachute. He couldn’t wait to climb a tree and eat fruit grown in actual soil. More than anything, Kenton wanted to run with the wind in his face. He wanted to let his feet pound the ground until he couldn’t breathe, not(instead of) until the timer beeped on a treadmill during recess. He hadn’t done any of these things in over a year.

    “Dad, it’s time,” Kenton called. His father’s the(cut) towering figure bent over(cut) to zip the duffle bag shut.

    “Ready,” Dad said and straightened. He looked Kenton over with a critical eye. “Hmmm, your brother’s clothes are way too big on you. Here.” Dad reached into his bag, pulling out a webbed utility belt. “Put this on.” Kenton flushed and wished he hadn’t outgrown his own clothes(He doesn’t want to get bigger? Maybe wished he didn’t have to wear hand-me-downs).

    “Jerry! Kenton!” Mom called from the front of the ship. “Are you coming?”

    Dad glanced at Kenton, his brow wrinkled, then toward Mom’s voice with a longing sigh. He didn’t like to keep her waiting.

    “Go ahead, Dad. I’ll be right behind you.”

    “Coming.” Dad hurried away.

    Kenton fumbled with the belt, getting it hung up in the loop on the back of his ship suit. No matter how he pulled, it was(remained) stuck. The voices outside grew louder as he fought with his clothes. Twisting and wriggling, he pulled the ship suit around until he saw the snag. (maybe a new paragraph)Dad’s hearty laugh carried to the back of the ship. Kenton had just freed the belt when he thought he heard someone call his name. With a groan, he stared at the offending belt and considered chucking it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Query:

    Overall thoughts: Good stakes/main problem

    [Ten-year-old Kenton has a secret: he’s a refugee from The Company.] After reading the query, I’m not sure what this brings to the table. It doesn’t add to the stakes, conflict, or goal as far as I can see. Sworn to secrecy, he carries the lie of where [he is really from] “his origin” would work better in my opinion around like a weight. A month after moving to Clib, he gets a new secret when he meets an Ulu in the dark, twisted tangle tree forest. [The nocturnal creatures are alike] Makes it sound like you’re comparing Kenton to the Ulu, but you’re referring to the legend, so I was a bit tripped up, yet very different from the colony legend. [Alongside his best friend Spryte, he works to communicate with the natives that live behind the tangle trees.] Do you need this? I don’t think you need to mention Spryte, anyway. Doesn’t add anything to the pitch.

    [Sleep deprived, Kenton falls behind in school and falls asleep at dinner. His parents grow concerned, threatening to end his nightly trips to the Ulu village.] I’d cut. Doesn’t seem to add to anything, really. The real conflict is that The Company wants to reaquire Clib and Kenton’s family. When Clib’s leaders discover they don’t have enough tanglestone to make the colony’s winter payment, a representative from The Company visits Clib with interest in buying out the colony. [Kenton suspects] Maybe make stronger—“suspects” isn’t quite enough to make me feel worried about this, since even Kenton doesn’t know for sure. The Company is not only interested in acquiring the sole rights to tanglestone, but in reacquiring his family too.

    Kenton is forced to decide between turning to the Ulus for help or keeping them secret from The Company who would exploit the [gentle creatures.] I’d make the “gentle” aspect clearer sooner so that by the time we get to this point in the query, we already don’t want anything bad to happen to the Ulus. When he and Spryte overhear his parents talking about tanglestone stolen from the harvest, they hatches a plan to save the colony and keep the Ulus hidden, but they only has two days and everyone’s a suspect.

    ReplyDelete
  7. First 250:
    Overall thoughts: Overall good start, though get to the first main tension point sooner. Fiddling with the belt isn’t all that interesting in my opinion.

    Kenton jogged to the back of the [old shuttle.] What does the shuttle look like? I don’t have a good feeling of the setting in general in this excerpt. His baggy brown ship suit billowed out behind him like a parachute. He couldn’t wait to climb a tree and eat fruit grown in actual soil. More than anything, Kenton wanted to run with the wind in his face. He wanted to let his feet pound the ground until he couldn’t breathe, not until the timer beeped on a treadmill during recess. He hadn’t done any of these things in over a year.

    “Dad, it’s time,” Kenton called. His father’s the towering figure bent over to zip the duffle bag shut.

    “Ready,” Dad [said and] delete straightened [. He] delete and add “and” looked Kenton over [with a critical eye] delete. “Hmmm, your brother’s clothes are way too big on you. Here.” [Dad] He reached into his bag, pulling out a webbed utility belt. “Put this on.” Kenton flushed and wished he hadn’t outgrown his own clothes.

    “Jerry! Kenton!” Mom called from the front of [the ship.] Again, what does this look like? I have no idea and so it’s hard to imagine the scene. “Are you coming?”

    Dad glanced at Kenton, his brow wrinkled, then toward Mom’s voice with a longing sigh. He didn’t like to keep her waiting.

    “Go ahead, Dad. I’ll be right behind you.”

    “Coming.” Dad hurried away.

    Kenton fumbled with the belt, [getting it hung up in the loop on the back of his ship suit.] kind of confusing wordage. Maybe just “having difficulty getting it through the loop on the back of his suit” No matter how he pulled, it was stuck. The voices [outside] As opposed to inside his head? Kind of confusing word choice grew louder as he fought with his clothes. Twisting and wriggling, he pulled the ship suit around until he saw the snag. Dad’s hearty laugh carried to the back of the ship. Kenton had just freed the belt when he thought he heard someone call his name. With a groan, he stared at the offending belt and considered chucking it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi!
    I have very little experience with query critiques, so the following might be a little incoherent. But these are my thoughts upon reading your query and first 250.

    I’m wondering what The Company is and why Kenton would be a refugee. What would happen if that secret was discovered?
    The description of the Ulus is confusing. I don’t know what the colony legend is.
    You might want to make the link between the creatures being nocturnal and Kenton’s sleep deprivation more obvious.
    You say that Kenton gets a new secret when he meets an Ulu but at the same time, his parents seem to be aware. So who is he keeping this a secret from?
    Also, what is his motivation for communicating with the Ulus? I can guess it’s curiosity, as they are the natives and Kenton’s people are the newcomers, but is there more behind it?
    What is tanglestone, and what will The Company do if the colony can’t pay?
    The last paragraph finally tells about the stakes: Kenton has to choose between saving his family or protecting his new friends, and tries to find a way to do both. (I like that.)
    The end of the last sentence feels “tacked on”. Why is everyone a suspect, and of what? (My guess is stealing tanglestone?) Not very clear.
    Finally, you might want to make it clearer where the story takes place: a foreign planet. In the query you just say “moving to Clib” and refer to the “colony”, but then the story opens with a spaceship.

    The first 250 make for an intriguing opening. I already find myself wondering where they are (a new world?), where they were before (a place with no plants?) and where Kenton’s older brother is (dead?), which is good.
    But unless it leads to something important, you might want to shorten the belt scene. If you submit your opening scene somewhere (this goes for a “first 250” as well as for any other length), you want to have it end on something intriguing. Or at least something happening.

    I hope any of this was helpful.
    I’m curious about your story, but I think you can still improve the query.
    Good luck!
    Mayken

    ReplyDelete