Title: Dragonflame
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word count: 100,000
Query:
Persecuted as a girl with magic, Naya is rescued by the powerful mage Mariyana. She takes Naya on a mission to rally support against a dragon army invading their homelands.
After Mariyana fails to win over the exiled dragon Endogas, he is swayed upon discovering Naya possesses the rare skill of Ancient Magic. Together they gain the crucial support of the mage community of Numara.
A group of rebellious mages attempts to prevent the Numarans from joining the defence army, and Naya almost loses her magic stopping them.
Just in time do Naya and Endogas reach the front lines. Endogas has secretly taught her dragon magic, but Mariyana orders her to stay out of the battle. It is only when the dragons close in on her friends and allies that Naya steps up and does what the others cannot – kill dragons.
The dragons surrender, but Endogas is mortally wounded. Naya and her friend, the mage Evulon, risk their lives to save him. They are rewarded with a magic bond that will link them together for life.
First 250:
Chapter One
“Who can give me an example of herbs used in Communication Magic?”
Naya glanced around at her fellow students, but none of them seemed to know the answer to Mariyana’s question.
About a dozen boys and girls filled the other seats in the Mage’s schoolroom. They came from all over Dogan as well as from the neighbouring land of Tion to attend Mariyana’s classes in Alyna, the trade capital of Dogan.
“Are there no schools where they live?” Naya had asked Mariyana.
“People want their children to study with me,” the Mage had explained. “And I can teach them all, regardless what Magic they have. That is not the case everywhere. Some Mages only teach Craft, or Healing.”
We are lucky to be here, Naya thought. And I am even luckier. If Mariyana hadn’t found me before I ran into the Ytobiq border guards—
“Ammorana leaves will enhance your reach when you need to Communicate over long
distances,” Mariyana said, breaking into her thoughts. “Surely you have heard of that before.”
“But Mage Mariyana,” a young girl with two long braids called out, “we don’t all have Communication Magic!”
“As a Healing Mage you will need to know all the properties of the herbs you use, Rasya.”
“Mage Mariyana?” a lanky boy asked. “Why don’t we all have Communication Magic?”
The older girl behind him giggled, earning a stern look from the Mage.
“For the same reason you do not all have Healing Magic, or Craftsmagic,” Mariyana replied gently. “Have you never heard of the Mingling, Lyann?”
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI like your first 250, but the query reads too much like a summary of events (and it's really too short to convey a complicated premise). It doesn't draw me in. Try to make it more exciting, and inject more of the MC's voice. Don't just tell me that Naya was persecuted and rescued. "Banished from her homeland by a flame throwing zombie cult, Naya..." Why are dragons invading? Why would Mariyana drag Naya to a battle and tell her to stay out of it? There are so many questions from reading the query.
This sentence feels a little too exposition-heavy. "They came from all over Dogan as well as from the neighbouring land of Tion to attend Mariyana’s classes in Alyna, the trade capital of Dogan." You might think of a way to reword it. Otherwise, I like magic, I'm intrigued by the Mingling, and at this point, I would keep reading to find out more.
I like the first 250, but the query is devoid of emotion and reads like a synopsis. The query must entice the reader, giving just enough action and emotion and voice to make the reader want to read. You can find examples online. You also need to make your main characters stand out: what does Endogas look like? I'm curious about him. Also, how can Naya be persecuted as a girl with magic but they teach magic in the school?
ReplyDeleteHope you don't mind me crashing the workshop. I wanted to know more about your ms and saw a tweet that you were participating. :-)
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of dragon magic. I agree with "the first" Laura on the query describing more of the story than you want. I think you need to tease the agent into requesting more. If you only describe the story up to the first 30% or so, it will help. What does Naya want more than anything? Is it to help the woman who rescued her? And what's in the way of her goal? What does she stand to gain or lose? So maybe concentrate on the portion of the story described in the first 2-3 paragraphs and detail them a little more. Also, for YA, I think a lot of agents appreciate seeing the age of the protagonist.
In your first 250, I think you could replace "none of them seemed to know" with something that shows that, like do they look at their desks, try to hide from the mage? Also, I think you could combine the information in this sentence "About a dozen boys and girls filled the other seats in the Mage’s schoolroom" with "Naya glanced around" to give a feel for where she is. Then, if you push the rest of the 3rd-5th paragraphs further into the story so we can jump into Naya's current life more on the first page, I think we could get to know her more. Maybe you could signalize the students come from different places by saying some have a Tionese accent or something else that might signify difference.
I'm intrigued about the Mingling, and I love that word choice. I'd read on to find out what it is.
Query:
ReplyDeletePersecuted as a girl with magic(Lack of specifics leaves this rather wide open. Magic could be anything.), Naya(We need an age.) is rescued by the powerful mage Mariyana. She takes Naya on a mission to rally support against a dragon army invading their homelands. (There needs to be a stronger connection between the two sentences. We’ve got two very different things happening.)
After Mariyana fails to win over the exiled dragon Endogas, he is swayed upon discovering Naya possesses the rare skill of Ancient Magic.(Sorry but ‘Ancient Magic’ tells me nothing more than ‘magic’ by itself. Specific details help entice and I still don’t know what Naya can do.) Together they gain the crucial support of the mage community of Numara.(But I’m not sure why they need the support.)
A group of rebellious mages attempts to prevent the Numarans from joining the defence army, and Naya almost loses her magic stopping them.(This is missing the motivation. Why? Why is this happening? Why does Naya need to stop them. It also reads more like a synopsis, like your trying to give us the entire plot line. )
Just in time do Naya and Endogas reach the front lines. Endogas has secretly taught her dragon magic, but Mariyana orders her(Naya) to stay out of the battle. It is only when the dragons close in on her friends and allies that Naya steps up and does what the others cannot – kill dragons.
The dragons surrender, but Endogas is mortally wounded. Naya and her friend, the mage Evulon, risk their lives to save him. They are rewarded with a magic bond that will link them together for life. (Much too like a synopsis. Don’t tell the ending. The job of a query is to entice. You have to leave the possibility of failure open.)
(Kindly meant, what you have here is more of an outline than a query. Focus on fleshing out the initial problem and your character Naya a little more. Don’t give us the whole story. It might look something like this of course all the details are made up by me:
Sixteen-year-old Naya is tired of being picked on because she can turn soap into champagne. She didn’t mean to ruin the laundry and get the maids drunk. But the town clerics are more dangerous than spoilt sheets. They want Naya dead before her magic can bring the dragons down upon their town like hounds upon a scent.
The powerful mage Mariyana intervenes. She sees the workings of Ancient Magic and the ability to speak to dragons in Naya’s frivolous spells. The great mage agrees to train Naya, but she’ll have to learn while rallying support against the attacking dragon army. The whole countryside is burning down and suddenly the biggest dragon Endogas finds Naya more than a little bit interesting.
Now she’ll have to learn to speak to Endogas before he decides she tastes just like chicken. If she can’t her whole country will be next on the menu.)
I don't have much to add about the first 250. It does feel more like MG than YA to me, but that could be because of the younger kids in the class. Maybe leave out the bits about all the towns until you get deeper into the chapter.
ReplyDeleteOVERALL: I feel like this query is a little too vague. I’d like some more details that really put me directly in this story so I can feel for the protag and understand the stakes better.
ReplyDeletePersecuted as a girl with magic, Naya is rescued by the powerful mage Mariyana. She takes Naya on a mission to rally support against a dragon army invading their homelands. (Why is the dragon army invading? This will help with the stakes and hopefully make us want to route for Naya and her hometown’s preservation; also—would she care all that much if she was persecuted by this hometown? Personally, I’d rather this town go down, which you don’t want for the story)
After Mariyana fails to win over the exiled dragon Endogas (why was he exiled? Usually “bad” people are exiled, but after reading the query, he’s clearly a good guy, so show us that), he is swayed upon discovering Naya possesses the rare skill of Ancient Magic. Together they gain the crucial support of the mage community of Numara.
A group of rebellious mages attempts to prevent the Numarans from joining the defence army, and Naya almost loses her magic stopping them. (I don’t think this paragraph is necessary for the query; doesn’t add anything)
Just in time (for what?) do(remove) Naya and Endogas reach the front lines. Endogas has secretly taught her dragon magic, but Mariyana orders her to stay out of the battle (why?). It is only when the dragons close in on her friends and allies that Naya steps up and does what the others cannot – kill dragons.
The dragons surrender, but Endogas is mortally wounded. Naya and her friend, the mage Evulon, risk their lives to save him. They are rewarded with a magic bond that will link them together for life. (So what’s the main conflict/problem of the story—preserving the hometown or saving Endogas? It sounds like saving the hometown based on the focus of the query, so I’d leave out the dragon surrender, as that would be revealing the ending. But if it’s saving Endogas, then I’d make that the focus of the query.)
Overall thoughts: I think we need a scene goal here. So far this excerpt seems to serve as more of a history lesson or an infodump of stuff regarding the world. All that info is important, of course, but not dumped right here in the beginning of the story. Show us more about Naya, and what she wants in this scene, some kind of goal that she’s reaching for, and weave in this worldbuilding info as you go. This is too much infodump up front, and so the actual story is losing focus at the outset.
ReplyDelete“Who can give me an example of herbs used in Communication Magic?” (who asked this?)
Naya glanced around at her fellow students, but none of them seemed to know the answer (show this—do the classmates remain silent and stare vacantly ahead? etc.) to Mariyana’s (who is this? The teacher? Be a little more specific to help ground us better) question.
About a dozen boys and girls filled the other seats in the Mage’s schoolroom. They came from all over Dogan as well as from the neighbouring land of Tion to attend Mariyana’s classes in Alyna, the trade capital of Dogan. (this paragraph feels a little infodumpy/stuck in there; try to weave in this info more fluidly; same with the info after this; I think the problem is I don’t know why Naya would be thinking at this precise moment about this and the fact the other children come to this school—especially since Naya was just looking at the other classmates and thinking about how they didn’t know the answer—does Naya know the answer?)
“Are there no schools where they live?” Naya had asked Mariyana. (When?)
“People want their children to study with me,” the Mage had explained. “And I can teach them all, regardless what Magic they have. That is not the case everywhere. Some Mages only teach Craft, or Healing.”
We are lucky to be here, Naya thought. And I am even luckier. If Mariyana hadn’t found me before I ran into the Ytobiq border guards—
“Ammorana leaves will enhance your reach when you need to Communicate over long
distances,” Mariyana said, breaking into her thoughts. “Surely you have heard of that before.”
“But Mage Mariyana,” a young girl with two long braids called out, “we don’t all have Communication Magic!”
“As a Healing Mage you will need to know all the properties of the herbs you use, Rasya.”
“Mage Mariyana?” a lanky boy asked. “Why don’t we all have Communication Magic?”
The older girl behind him giggled, earning a stern look from the Mage.
“For the same reason you do not all have Healing Magic, or Craftsmagic,” Mariyana replied gently. “Have you never heard of the Mingling, Lyann?”
(the last few paragraphs here don’t’ show any of Naya’s thoughts; how does she feel about all this and the questions others are asking? I’d like to see more of Naya’s thoughts and personality)
I like the idea of this, but the query felt flat to me. I didn't get any emotion in there and like others said, it reads a lot like a synopsis. It felt like a lot of characters were mentioned and I got a little confused about what was going on. With the query I really want to be drawn in and want to read on. Maybe just put some more of Naya's voice in there so we can see what she's about.
ReplyDeleteThe first 250 are pretty good, but again, I didn't really feel like I was getting to know Naya. It's so hard to judge from the first 250 words of a book what the character is going to be like, but it would be good to see how she feels about what's being said in the class.
Again, I think this a great concept, just needs a little something to make it amazing :) I hope this helps!
Good luck!!
Thanks for sharing this! I am a Feri who worships Lakshmi, and so there was so much resonance for me in your post!
ReplyDeletevisit : http://godsmantra.com/