Monday, February 10, 2014

Critique Workshop #4: THE LEGACY OF THE EYE

Sorry this is out of order. It's a tad late. :-)


Title: The Legacy of the Eye
Genre: Adult Science Fiction
Word Count: 91,000

Query:

THE LEGACY OF THE EYE is an adult science fiction of the softer kind. Think Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space--Love and politics on a planet colonized according to Plato’s Republic. I promise you no rats, but kisses can be just as persuasive.

David, like all children born on Demia, grew up at the Academy without a concept of marriage and family. As the youngest student admitted to the prestigious Governance Department, he is confident about his future as a leader. Until the day David discovers that Catrine, the girl he loves, will rule because of legacy.

A hereditary government should not exist in a society where merit trumps birthright; it goes against everything David believes in. However, this is just the start of his loyalty struggles. His newfound parents are conspiring to crown him the first king of Demia by wedding him to Catrine.

Worries of joining a hypocritical government and becoming an authoritarian monarch lead him to flee across the galaxy. But nine years cannot diminish his love for the woman he left behind. As Catrine's pleas for his return intensify, David fears she is just the bait in his parents' grand ploy. Could he resist the lure of leadership and return Demia to utopia from her bedroom?

THE LEGACY OF THE EYE is complete at 91,000 words. It will appeal to fans of social science fiction like The Best of All Possible Worlds by Karen Lord and planetary romances such as Ghost Planet by Sharon Lynn Fisher.


First 250:

A single day can alter the course of someone's life, and today would reroute mine. After months of hard work, and intense arguing, the Council of Demia had allowed Cat and me to present our proposal. We were a pod ride away from our future, and the freedom of leaving the Academy. I just hoped Max, the instructor chaperoning us, didn't receive undue credit for the new program.

I ducked as I followed Cat into the underground traveling pod. Inside the closet-like space, I covered the keypad by the door with an outstretched hand and faced Max before he could enter.

"We're leaving the school," I said. "Why don't you let me punch the destination code?" It might be a symbolic gesture, but I needed some control over my life.

Arms crossed over his loose-fitting black tunic, Max obscured the pod's exit despite his short stature. "If I had any say, you wouldn't be leaving at all. The council should have made you wait until graduation like all students."

Cat and I had been confined in the school since we were two. What difference would two weeks make after sixteen years?

"We've earned the distinction." I tapped my thumb over the keypad in a syncopated rhythm, preparing for the argument that was sure to follow.

Max's scowl intensified. "Next you'll ask to stop for a black uniform on the way out."

We probably deserved faculty status too, but I'd let the council tell him that.

Cat pressed my shoulder. "David, we'll be late."

8 comments:

  1. I'm not so great with first pages, but here's my take:

    THE LEGACY OF THE EYE is an adult science fiction of the softer kind. Think Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space--Love and politics on a planet colonized according to Plato’s Republic. I promise you no rats, but kisses can be just as persuasive. (Purely taste but I’d put this at the end.)

    David, like all children born on Demia, grew up at the Academy without a concept of marriage and family. (Probably don’t need the bit about Demia. Works without it.) As the youngest student admitted to the prestigious Governance Department, he is confident about his future as a leader. Until the day David discovers that Catrine, the girl he loves, will rule because of legacy.

    Maybe some more zing: Youngest student at the Governance Department, David is confident about his future as a leader. After all, on Demia there’s no concept of marriage and family, meaning he’ll excel on his skill and smarts alone. Until he discovers Catrine, the girl he loves, will rule because of legacy.

    A hereditary government should not exist in a society where merit trumps birthright; it goes against everything David believes in. However, this is just the start of his loyalty struggles. His newfound parents (More about this. How do they find him?) are conspiring to crown him the first king of Demia by wedding him to Catrine. (How and why does this come about when society is supposed to keep this from happening?)

    (A hereditary government shouldn’t exist in a society where birthright means zilch. Or does it? A secret cell beneath the surface claims David. His newfound parents conspire to crown him the first king by wedding him to Catrine.)

    Worries of joining a hypocritical government and becoming an authoritarian monarch lead him to flee across the galaxy. But nine years cannot diminish his love for the woman he left behind. As Catrine's pleas for his return intensify, David fears she is just the bait in his parents' grand ploy. Could Can he resist the lure of leadership power and return Demia to utopia from her bedroom?

    Maybe something with more force for the opener: Having none of a hypocritical government or an authoritarian monarch he flees across the galaxy.

    THE LEGACY OF THE EYE is complete at 91,000 words. It will appeal to fans of social science fiction like The Best of All Possible Worlds by Karen Lord and planetary romances such as Ghost Planet by Sharon Lynn Fisher.


    First 250:

    A single day can alter the course of someone's life, and today would reroute mine. After months of hard work, and intense arguing, the Council of Demia had allowed Cat and me to present our proposal. We were a pod ride away from our future, and the freedom of leaving the Academy. I just hoped Max, the instructor chaperoning us, didn't receive undue the credit for the new our program.

    I ducked as I followed Cat into the underground traveling pod. Inside the closet-like space, I covered the keypad by the door with an outstretched hand and faced Max before he could enter. (I think maybe start with this paragraph and change your first opener to go after.)

    "We're leaving the school," I said. "Why don't you let me punch the destination code?" It might be a symbolic gesture, but I needed some control over my life.

    Arms crossed over his loose-fitting black tunic, Max obscured the pod's exit despite his short stature. "If I had any say, you wouldn't be leaving at all. The council should have made you wait until graduation like all students."

    Cat and I had been confined in the school since we were two. What difference would two weeks make after sixteen years?

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Michelle! Your comments are very helpful. I moved things around in the opening, and I think it reads much better. Now to add zing to the query...

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  2. For the first 250 pages, I would definitely go with Michelle's comments. She's on it even if she says otherwise. The first paragraph of your 250 doesn't work. I think you're trying for a feeling, maybe a mildly nostalgic voice, but it doesn't really ring through (Also, Jen Laughran says she's sick of seeing the sum up in the first line of a book, so you might want to see if there's another way to get that across). As for the query, you have too much comparison, a paragraph at the top and the bottom. I prefer the paragraph at the bottom, but I really don't like the category Social Science Fiction--almost all science fiction has this facet, so it feels redundant to me (this is absolutely personal preference, but I have seen agents tag this sort of thing with a question mark). Also in the query, I feel like the stakes aren't high enough. His whole dilemma is that he's worried he'll have to marry the woman he loves and avoid being a dictator? If this is the whole of the struggle, then we need to have a deeper emotional feeling because most people fear leadership because they won't get to be with the person they love. That's why these stakes are confusing to me. I feel like your details got away from you in this query. I recommend focusing on what your main character wants, why they can't get it (or who is trying to stop them), and what will happen if they don't manage to get what they want.

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  3. Wow! Awesome concept. I was impressed. I like your voice as well.

    Michelle, I feel like a lot of us comment less because your comments are just too darn good. :) Haha.

    A good writing friend once looked at me and said: I don't understand the stakes. What does your character have to lose? I'm still pretty bad at doing it myself, but looking at your query, I think I agree with Rena. I don't really understand all the stakes. I think it could be clarified a little better.

    I am guilty, too, of not starting with action when I should. I agree that you should probably switch the opening paragraphs around in your 250 so that we see some action first, then some explanation as to what is happening. (First and second could switch, definitely.)

    I feel like my comments are useless right now!! Just getting home from work and definitely feeling the tired. All right, that's it for now. Julia out!

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  5. Interesting premise! Here are a few thoughts:

    "of the softer kind" sounds weird to me -- maybe "soft science fiction" or better yet, "character-driven science fiction"?

    You have 3 major literary comparisons/references in the opening paragraph, all of them pretty old -- I'm no agent, but it might give the impression that you're up on your classics but not in tune with the current market, or might possibly come off as a bit ambitious. I confess that I'm also having trouble visualizing Persuasion meets 1984.

    "Until the day David discovers that Catrine, the girl he loves, will rule because of legacy." - This sentence confused me. Will rule what? According to whose decision? And what does "because of legacy" mean? I'd get more specific here (but without adding too many words, if you can).

    "A hereditary government should not exist in a society where merit trumps birthright; it goes against everything David believes in." Maybe reword this to put David's conflict first, so it doesn't sound like an author opinion.

    "But nine years cannot diminish his love for the woman he left behind." This sentence leaves me wondering about the novel's structure. Is there a sudden 9 year leap in the middle? Does it attempt to summarize the events of 9 years? That's a large time span, and it can be hard to handle that kind of lapse adroitly, so it might be good to either just say "time" instead of specifying the years or to try to give some cue as to how you're handling it so that agents won't worry about the structure.

    "As Catrine's pleas for his return intensify" - I'd love to get some better sense of what's going on with Catrine during these 9 years... is she ruling the planet? For that matter, what's she like? The romance seems like the core of the book, and it'll come off as more compelling in the query if we get a better sense of Catrine.

    "Could he resist the lure of leadership and return Demia to utopia from her bedroom?" I had to read this a couple times and am still not entirely sure what this sentence is saying. Given that it's stating the main character's core conflict, I'd love to have it be a little clearer.

    Just one comment on the first 250 - I feel like the summary in the opening paragraph isn't as compelling as the activity and dialogue in the rest of the sample. I wonder if you could cut the first paragraph and try to work in any necessary background into the dialogue rather than starting with the quick summary.

    I hope that's helpful! Good luck!

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  6. From the query, I really wanted to know more about the "newfound" parents.

    The story seems to be heavily driven by inner conflict. I'm not clear on what the true stakes are here.

    My gut with the first words was that the first paragraph did have too much "tell" in it. I liked how Michelle reordered the opening paragraphs as a solution.

    Your dialogue has a quiet sophistication to it. I like the banter with Max and I thought the end of the excerpt was stronger than the beginning. I did want to read on and i do want to know more about the society.

    Good luck,

    Shawn

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  7. The query is good, but I would also want to know a little more about the "newfound" parents. That threw me off a little. I really think that Michelle's notes here will help with adding zing to your query! Also, with the first 250, I agree that the second paragraph would go well as the first paragraph to draw us in.

    All around this seems very interesting and I would definitely read more!

    Good luck!!

    Charyse (GRAVEL GHOST)

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