Monday, February 10, 2014

Critique Workshop #6: AMANDA HARDY'S TEA PARTY

Title: AMANDA HARDY'S TEA PARTY
Genre: MG Historical Fiction
Word Count: 25,000 words


QUERY:

Dear Michelle and Amy,

Thank you for the opportunity to participate in your original contest, sun vs. snow.  I certainly know which one of those makes me the most uncomfortable! 

 
Amanda Hardy’s Tea Party tells the story of a ten year old girl immersed in events that confuse and worry her. Her Papa and brother are rushing about Boston, her Mama has tossed the tea into the trash, and three ships loom large in the harbor – and never leave. Something is going on, but no one will tell Amanda what it is. With her tenth birthday only four days away, will anyone even remember they are having guests?


 The story takes place during the four days leading up to, and the day of the protest that becomes known as the Boston Tea Party.

There are many Tea Party books for children, but none through the eyes of a young northern girl. What makes Amanda unique is her willingness to act outside the norms of her times to be part of the Patriot movement. She wishes to be a Patriot, like her Papa.


Submission:



Amanda Hardy scrunched her nose against the frost-coated window and huffed.  Her breath formed a circle and she rubbed the spot so she could peer out. Pinpricks of snow dotted the cobblestone street. To her left, she spotted Papa and John rushing down Belcher’s Lane for the second time that morning. Papa never left his carpentry shop during the day. Something was not right.


Outside, many of the Boston townsfolk gathered on the street, their heads tipped together like children telling secrets. Mr. Jensen, the baker from two doors down, stood outside his store, pointing toward Griffin’s Wharf. He shook his fist. Was it because of the tea ships?


Yesterday, when she and Mama took baby James for a walk, they passed the wharf where three ships were anchored, docked there for weeks. Their tall wooden masts reached up towards the sky. The names painted on their hulls were The Dartmouth, The Eleanor and The Beaver – such strange names for ships. Now, from her window, Amanda could see the tops of the masts. Mama told her the ship’s cargo was tea, and parliament wanted the colonists to pay the taxes on it before it was unloaded. Pay a tax on our tea? Tea that we drank everyday? That was unfair.

Now, with all the talk about tea, and Papa and John rushing off, not one person remembered her birthday. In four more days she would be ten. Ten! That was practically a grownup!  But while John was rushing about with Papa, she had chores to do.

7 comments:

  1. Firstly: what a unique concept for a story. I never would have thought of that. I applaud you!

    Now to the nitty gritty:

    QUERY: Have you considered switching the sentences a bit? Starting instead with something like: "Amanda Hardy's Papa and brother are rushing about Boston, her Mama has tossed the tea in the trash, and three ships loom large in the harbor." (I'd cut the "and never leave".) "Something is going on .... guests. Amanda Hardy's Tea Party" etc. Hook me first, then explain what the book is about. I love your showing. Love love love. So make it first.

    My other comment to it is, HOW does she act outside of the norms? Can you at least hint at it in the query? Don't tell me, show me like in your brilliant hook.

    250: One thing that bugged me: "they passed the wharf where three ships were anchored" period. "They had been docked their for weeks, their tall wooden masts reaching up towards the sky" Maybe? I don't know.

    Can you actually go into dialogue here between Mama and Amanda? Like, "Mama, what's the ship's cargo?" and have her mother respond. I'm itching for dialogue by this part of the narrative. I know that will take us beyond the 250, but it would show me how she interacts with another character. Or cut all that until after the next bit, which shows me who she is even more, THEN go into dialogue about tea.

    I love the sentence about "not one person remembered her birthday..." to "that was practically a grownup!" It gave me a great big chuckle. But the sudden change to talking about her having to do chores was jarring. (And you've just said John is rushing with Papa so I'd cut this second mention.) This is why maybe this part would flow even better if her mother were involved. They could discuss the tea and taxes, Amanda is thinking that part about tea and her birthday to herself, and then her mother says, "Amanda, it's time to do chores." Then Amanda could say something like: "why does John get to run around with papa while I have to work!" Or some such thing.

    OKAY I could be totally wrong, that's just a thought there.

    Best of luck, and I hope it gets published. Sounds like a really fun way for kids to learn history. If I ever have a daughter, I'll be sure to own a copy to show her. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. What a great idea!

    In the query, I would cut the first sentence of the second paragraph. Just start talking about what happens - you don't need to state upfront what the book is about, because the rest of the query should make it clear. Then, the title can go at the end with genre and word count.

    In the first 250, the "tea that we drank every day" shifts from third to first person. Unless you're going to either show the dialogue or put it as Amanda's interior thoughts, it should be "tea they drank". (You don't need "that" at all.) I would consider moving the last three sentences to the very beginning, and starting with "Amanda Hardy would be ten in four days." Then a few paragraphs later, you bring us back by saying that no one remembered her birthday. I agree that it would be nice to see the conversation with her mother, even if it's just a few sentences.

    Also, you use rushing three times in the first 250. I would consider replacing at least one, if not two of them, with a different word.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Neat concept, and great POV choice! I love the implied paralell between birthday party and Tea Party.

    Query - The voice in the query feels just a shade oversimplified or "dumbed down." Amanda seems way more perceptive and in tune with what's going on in the first 250 than she does in the query, and I think that savvier perspective makes her come off as a more interesting heroine. You might want to consider making her come off slightly less confused and clueless in the query.

    I do really like the whole implied "but what about my birthday?" angle -- that feels very real -- and I feel like that's the most interesting part of the query. If the book is about her rising to the challenge of overcoming her personal concerns (birthday party) to grow up and focus more on larger issues (becoming a patriot like her Papa), then it might be nice to highlight that directly as an inner conflict or challenge (though I do think it comes across as is).

    I agree that having some dialogue to convey some of the information about what's going on and how the characters feel about it would be great. That would show us more character and more action/interaction than the current summary. Maybe even start out with dialogue, or some specific scene that lets up get right up close to Amanda and see her in action. I don't think you need to start pulled back to set the stage.

    I also don't think that the Dartmouth or the Eleanor are really strange names for ships...? I could see her thinking that the Beaver was a funny name, though...? But that could be just me. I like the fact that she's more interested in the strange names, though... that's a great kid-brainspace detail.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. The word count is a problem. Even for MG it is on the low side. But the voice is great! Very MG.

    Dear Michelle and Amy,

    Thank you for the opportunity to participate in your original contest, sun vs. snow. I certainly know which one of those makes me the most uncomfortable!

    Amanda Hardy’s Tea Party tells the story of a ten year old girl immersed in events that confuse and worry her. (You’re telling here instead of crafting a story. Part of the query should be a miniature story. Nine-year-old Amanda finds her world turned topsy-turvey. Or a term that fits the time period.) Her Papa and brother are rushing about Boston, her Mama has tossed the tea into the trash, and three ships loom large in the harbor – and never leave. Something is going on, but no one will tell Amanda what it is. With her tenth birthday only four days away, will anyone even remember they are having guests? (Make this ending about the stakes. With her tenth birthday only four days away, someone better remember or Amanda will have to take matters into her own hands and save the day. Can she prove to be a real Yankee Dandy?)


    The story takes place during the four days leading up to, and the day of the protest that becomes known as the Boston Tea Party.

    There are many Tea Party books for children, but none through the eyes of a young northern girl. What makes Amanda unique is her willingness to act outside the norms of her times to be part of the Patriot movement. She wishes to be a Patriot, like her Papa. (Don’t tell us this here, get it up there where it matters!!! I’m yelling in case you didn’t notice. This is really good but it needs to be up in the 1st paragraph! Amanda has the heart of a patriot, like her Papa but she’s not sure how to act the part. )

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sorry but it seems you are telling us many things instead of showing them to us. Why not have the scene where her mother and the kids walk past the ships? Why not put the part about the tea and the new tax into a conversation she overhears? There is plenty of room in your word count levels to make this more active. Right now it reads more like a lesson about history. And I'm not sure agents will go for a lesson book unless the lesson is well disguised with a good plot.

    Submission:



    Amanda Hardy scrunched her nose against the frost-coated window and huffed. Her breath formed a circle and she rubbed the spot so she could peer out. Pinpricks of snow dotted the cobblestone street. To her left, she spotted Papa and John rushing down Belcher’s Lane for the second time that morning. Papa never left his carpentry shop during the day. Something was not right. (Would she suspect it to have something to do with her birthday? He’s doing a secret thing about her party.Young kids tend to focus on how things affect them.)


    Outside, many of the Boston townsfolk gathered on the street, their heads tipped together like children telling secrets. Mr. Jensen, the baker from two doors down, stood outside his store, pointing toward Griffin’s Wharf. He shook his fist. Was it because of the tea ships?


    Yesterday, when she and Mama took baby James for a walk, they passed the wharf where three ships were anchored, docked there for weeks. Their tall wooden masts reached up towards the sky. The names painted on their hulls were The Dartmouth, The Eleanor and The Beaver – such strange names for ships (Maybe such very different names for ships as one as a name, another a place, and the third an animal.). Now, from her window, Amanda could see the tops of the masts. Mama told her the ship’s cargo was tea, and parliament wanted the colonists to pay the taxes on it before it was unloaded. Pay a tax on our tea? Tea that we drank everyday? That was unfair. (Maybe better to have her overhear this as a conversation by an adult. Also would add word count to the story to actual start with her strolling past the ships instead of telling us about them.)

    Now, with all the talk about tea, and Papa and John rushing off, not one person remembered her birthday. In four more days she would be ten. Ten! That was practically a grownup! But while John was rushing about with Papa, she had chores to do.

    ReplyDelete
  6. What a terrific concept for a MG. You have already received great advice. I love the lines "Ten! That was practically a grownup!" Something I can definitely see a 10 year old saying.

    I think your first line in your query needs to stand out and pack a punch. I like Michelle's take on it with the topsy-turvey. And I am not sure how the rest goes, but if you could add some dialogue it would give this fantastic MG idea a lot more voice and in return more of an impact on the reader.

    Best of luck to you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I don't care how many books are written about the Boston Tea Party, it's a great historical topic, and I love how you give it a spin with the birthday angle. In the query, I think the start could be stronger, maybe even address that it's a BTP book right from the start. I knew you were going there, so it wasn't a mystery. Lead with the main character wanting to be a patriot, like her dad and not being sure how she fits into the movement that's brewing and not being sure how it's going to effect her birthday. I get the feeling that this might be one of her most memorable birthdays ever. The BTP as your birthday, that would be so cool.Focus on what makes this story different from the other historical accounts of the Tea Party.

    The first 250. Show don't tell. I'm not sure she'd really understand the tax thing, but if she overheard her pa ranting and raving about it, she'd know something was brewing that was unfair. Pa's conversation with John could could be a great vehicle to reveal detail, set the stakes, and show the tension of the conflict.

    I like the suggestion about putting the family outside and a crowd forming. They could be gawking at the ships and the MC could be hearing bits of their conversation. The Beaver is an odd and funny name of a ship. That's a great detail for her to notice. The family could be doing errands in preparation for Amanda's birthday.

    Now my history is a little rusty, would there be a British presence in the street or a tax collector? It might be nice to set up the danger or sense of oppression or the stirring of protest.

    You have some word count to play with so have creating dialogue and letting the story and history unfold.

    Good luck,
    Shawn

    ReplyDelete