Monday, February 10, 2014

Critique Workshop #8: DREAMWALKERS

Title: DREAMWALKERS
Genre: MG Contemporary Fantasy
Word Count: 68,000

Query:

Dear Agent:

Thirteen-year-old January Stone wakes up in a new place each morning, making uncontrolled jumps across hundreds of miles in her sleep. Hungry for friends she can keep from one day to the next, she doesn’t realize that being hard to find is the only thing keeping her alive.

But then a stranger with pits of black mist for eyes begins hunting January, which draws the attention of the Dreamwalkers, a group of kids and teens who recognize her as one of their own. For January, finding friends at last is worth having to flee from the terrifying Fallen — once-human monsters who seek to devour Dreamwalkers’ souls. But clashing personalities and old grudges keep the Dreamwalkers from playing nice at the best of times — and tensions explode when they find a note from a dead Dreamwalker, warning of a betrayer among them. 

January must keep her new friends from turning on each other long enough to unravel a mystery that has already claimed one Dreamwalker’s life, knowing all the while that trusting the wrong person could be a fatal mistake. The secrets she discovers will force her to choose whether to sacrifice her friends... or become a Fallen herself.

I’m seeking representation for my upper middle grade contemporary fantasy novel, DREAMWALKERS (68,000 words).



First 250:

One summer day, two years after Auntie Vera died, I woke to the smell of mildew.

It’s not my favorite odor. But more than once, it’s been my first clue to my location, before I open my eyes. And when you never know where you’ll be when you wake up, you take all the clues you can get. A sound, a smell, or even the feeling of the air on your skin can warn you not to move — or to jump up and get out of there. Like the time I woke up to train tracks humming under my back, or to a bear snuffling my face.

This time, it was mildew — and a girl’s voice, close by. 

I opened my eyes, ready to do some fast talking if she’d seen me. But I was alone, as usual. I lay curled on the floor of a garden shed, between a barrel of cobwebby rakes and a rusted wheelbarrow. 

The girl’s trembling voice drifted in through the half-open window. She was clearly trying out new swear words — hesitantly at first, but with passion.

This could be awkward.

I stood, intending to peek outside. Immediately, wings exploded into a wild, breathy flutter as a bird knocked a flowerpot off the shelf next to its nest, buzzed my head, and swooped out the window. 

At the crash, the cursing outside broke off. Before I could do more than freeze, the door flew open.

Framed in it stood a girl with flyaway brown hair and freckles across her nose.

7 comments:

  1. Great concept, although I think it teeters on the edge of being YA rather than MG.
    I loved the beginning of your query, but got lost in the second paragraph. I think you need to drop the "stranger with pits of black mist for eyes" part and clarify immediately that she's being hunted by the Fallen - why? (I wondered how Dreamwalkers spend enough time together to be friends if they're always waking up in random places?)
    You have a lot of synopsis - I think your stakes and conflict are there, but they get lost. Tell us why the Dreamwalkers are such an argumentative crowd and why January is a target. I'm also curious whether she ever has the option to escape the Dreamwalker life entirely?
    First 250:
    Very intriguing premise, and I'm curious to know what happens next, but I think you need to get us to a moment of tension a little faster. It's a very interior start, which can bog things down.
    I'd start here: "When you never know where you'll wake up..."
    Cut "clearly" in "trying out new swear words" -- you don't need it.
    I'd drop the word "breathy" in the wing exploding line - it weakens the line.
    I'd also drop "At the crash" - readers will follow you without your having to spell it out.
    Good luck!
    Heather (EXQUISITE SENSES)

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  2. I love the premise here, and I think you've got a pretty strong query. I would take out "I'm seeking representation for." The agent knows that you're seeking representation - that's why you're emailing them. You can just say "DREAMWALKERS is a middle grade... It stands complete at 68,00 words."

    I've read the first 250 before, and I really like the changes you've made. This grabs me, and I would keep reading. The main thing I can really add is that I thought it was YA. The voice seems older than MG to me. Also, I agree that you don't need "At the crash," and the phrase "buzzed my head" still makes me pause. It feels like awkward phrasing.

    Unless the mildew is important to the story, you probably don't need to mention it twice in the first 250. Starting with "When you never know" would give the opening a little more punch. And you can mention elsewhere that Aunt Vera died two years ago.

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  3. Really good stuff here, but not the voice of MG. It sounds much more YA to me.

    Thirteen-year-old January Stone wakes up in a new place each morning, making uncontrolled jumps across hundreds of miles in her sleep. Hungry for friends she can keep from one day to the next, she doesn’t realize that being hard to find is the only thing keeping her alive. (This is interesting.)

    But then a stranger with pits of black mist for eyes begins hunting January, which draws the attention of the Dreamwalkers, a group of kids and teens who recognize her as one of their own. (A long sentence. I’d cut ‘which’ and go with ‘drawing.’ I’d probably also stop at Dreamwalkers. The group of teens recognize her as one of their own.) For January, finding friends at last is worth having to flee from the terrifying Fallen — once-human monsters who seek to devour Dreamwalkers’ souls. (Consider cutting ‘Fallen.’ It does add much and just gives another name. flee from the terrifying once human monsters who seek to devour …) But clashing personalities and old grudges keep the Dreamwalkers from playing nice at the best of times — and tensions explode when they find a note from a dead Dreamwalker, warning of a betrayer among them. (The note is a detail that probably isn’t need for a query. …and tensions explode when they find a betrayer among them.)

    January must keep her new friends from turning on each other long enough to unravel a mystery that has already claimed one Dreamwalker’s life, (I’d stop the sentence here.) Trusting the wrong person could be a fatal mistake. The secrets she discovers will force her to choose whether (cut ‘whether’ and try ‘between.’ between sacrificing her friends … or becoming a monster herself.) to sacrifice her friends... or become a Fallen herself.

    I’m seeking representation for my upper middle grade contemporary fantasy novel, DREAMWALKERS (68,000 words). (This doesn’t read like a MG to me. It doesn’t have the right voice.)

    ReplyDelete
  4. First 250:

    One summer day, two years after Auntie Vera died, I woke to the smell of mildew. (I’d worry about getting in the when later.Consider cutting summer day and Auntie Vera.)

    It’s not my favorite odor. But more than once, it’s (change to ‘smell’?) been my first clue to my location, before I open my eyes (maybe cut ‘before I open my eyes’ as understood.). And when you never know where you’ll be when you wake up, you take all the clues you can get. A sound, a smell, or even the feeling of the air on your skin can warn you not to move — or to jump up and get out of there. Like the time I woke up to train tracks humming under my back, or to a bear snuffling my face.

    This time, it was mildew — and a girl’s voice, close by.

    I opened my eyes, ready to do some fast talking if she’d seen me. But I was alone, as usual. I lay curled on the floor of a garden shed, between a barrel of cobwebby rakes and a rusted wheelbarrow.

    The girl’s trembling voice drifted in through the half-open window. She was clearly trying out new swear words — hesitantly at first, but with passion.

    This could be awkward.

    I stood, intending to peek outside. Immediately(Cut ‘immediately.’ Maybe add her jerking or ducking after the bird to show the surprise instead of tell it.) , wings exploded into a wild, breathy flutter as a bird knocked a flowerpot off the shelf next to its nest, buzzed my (ducked) head, and swooped out the window.

    At the crash, the cursing outside broke off. Before I could do more than freeze (Blink? she’s already frozen.), the door flew open.

    Framed in it stood a girl with flyaway brown hair and freckles across her nose.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi, author of DREAMWALKERS! I was a participant in sun vs. snow, and am here with a few comments for you. Hope some of them are helpful!

    Query: Your query is pretty strong as is, and I'm generally intrigued! I really love your opening line—it grabbed my attention immediately. A few small nitpicks:
    -You could probably cut the term "Fallen" and not lose much, although I don't believe keeping the term in there is causing significant problems.
    -I think the ellipsis in the final line is unnecessary. In my mind, that sentence doesn't need a pause--it's dramatic enough as it is.

    The biggest problem with the query, really, is that, as others have said, the voice in the query isn't MG. When I read the query (plus the pages, but I'll get to those in a moment), I do not think "oh, yes, MG!" I realize you have this as upper MG, but nonetheless, it still seems more YA to me.

    First 250: Again, I'm generally really interested by what's happening here, but the biggest problem is that aside from the mention "Auntie" Vera, the voice doesn't sound MG to me. And really, the only comment I have other than the voice is that I think the mention of Auntie Vera feels slightly out of place and detracts from the other interesting things in the first sentence. So the one thing that struck me as possibly MG-like is the one thing I'd like to see cut.

    If the rest of the book is firmly MG and has a solid MG voice, you might want to consider rewriting this query and opening to match. If the rest of the book has the voice in the opening, I think you're looking at YA, not upper MG.

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  6. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who's commented for the excellent and helpful feedback!

    Very interesting to see everyone read the voice as YA rather than MG! I am now going back to my beta readers and to the ms to get opinions and look myself to try to figure out whether it's just the first page or not. (The query is another issue -- I keep falling into the "query voice" gravity well.)

    Thanks again for the great suggestions, and good luck to all!

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is a strong premise for a story. It is such a strong sensory experience to wake up in a new place and figure out where you are every day, and it would be maddening to not be able to make friends and get back to them. The word count and voice do make it feel more YA. Great title.

    The query:

    Is she ever going to be able to control the power? Do the others have more control? How can they get to know each other or fight, if they all wake up in far off places.

    Why is there tension and fighting between the Dreamwalkers? The betrayal is a good twist to the story. Is January the traitor? The end of the query makes me think that she is the one that might have to sacrifice her friends and choose to become a Fallen?

    The first 250:
    Can you really wake up to a smell? I don't think I ever have. Sound and touch are much more jarring. I do like that the mildew smell was there. It helped build the setting of waking in a garden shed. I just don't think it's the first thing to lead with. The girls voice saying swear words, the cold dampness, the light coming through the cracks in the wooden structure -- those would all wake me.

    The Auntie's death threw me. Definitely move that into the piece and don't lead with that.

    The query and first words would make me want to read on. This piece seems to be right up my ally.

    Good luck,

    Shawn (DARKENWEAR)

    ReplyDelete