Saturday, February 15, 2014

Critique Workshop #9: THE PRINCESS OF TYRONE

Title: The Princess of Tyrone
Genre: New Adult Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Word Count: 71,000

Query:

All her life, Apolline heard the story of the lost Princess of Tyrone and the sleeping curse the sorceress placed on her at birth. But never once did she consider she could be the princess. She’s happy hunting magical creatures on her pirate infested outer-perimeter planet, betrothed to someone she doesn’t even know.

Then Allard appears. Handsome, charming—suddenly everything becomes complicated. But he’s not hers to have. He’s betrothed too. Despite her guardians warning her against her new found friendship, she and Allard meet in secret, and their love blossoms.
But the deadline for the sleeping curse is approaching. If Apolline falls in love with the wrong person, she could end up sleeping forever.

The Princess of Tyrone is a New Adult Sci-Fi/Fantasy at 71,000 that tells the Grimm fairytale of Sleeping Beauty in a futuristic and lighthearted manner.  It is a standalone novel, but it part of a series based in the same galaxy.

First 250:



Apolline giggled from under her bed. She watched her Aunt Fantine’s feet as she paced the room.

“Apolline? Where has she gone?”

Apolline giggled again.

“I thought I heard something.”

Apolline gasped and covered her mouth.

The bed skirt flew back and the round face of Fantine appeared, making Apolline screech and giggle.

“Found you!”

“No!” Apolline dashed out, wrapping her arms around Fantine’s wide waist. “I got you, Aunt Fantine!”

Fantine laughed and lifted her up in a tight squeeze. “It’s getting late now, dearie.”

“Tell me a story.”

“All right.” Fantine set her on the bed.

Apolline grasped her blankets and wrapped herself up so only her face showed. Aunt Sophronia, a tall, slender woman with cropped auburn hair, glanced into the room with a scowl. “Why is she still awake?”

“Hush, Sophronia,” Fantine scolded. “A few minutes of extra play and a story won’t hurt.”

Sophronia sighed. “Just keep her quiet.”

Apolline poked her tongue out as Sophronia moved on.

“I saw that!” The youngest of the three, Aunt Ashlan, appeared in front of Apolline with a pinkish glow. She bent over and kissed her forehead. “Don’t sass her, Apolline.”
“She’s a mean fairy,” Apolline responded with a frown. “Fairies are supposed to be nice.”

“I heard that,” Sophronia called down the hall.

The three of them giggled. Ashlan kissed her head again. “Don’t forget her potion, Fantine.”

“I know. I never do.” Fantine sat in the chair beside Apolline’s bed with a book in her lap, and slipped a small bottle and spoon from the satchel attached to her skirt waistband.

11 comments:

  1. Hmmm… “don’t forget the potion” peaked my interest. That must keep the curse at bay. Is this an adult take on Sleeping Beauty? Fun. I like the betrothed falling in love with the betrothed angle. Is it more steamy than “love blossoms” – is it a dangerous affair? What are the stakes?

    I love a good Sci-Fi/Fantasy mash-up. This seems to be leaning more towards the Fantasy/Fairy Tale realm, but I know there is Sci-Fi coming because of the “pirates at the outer-planet perimeter.” I want to know a little more about the world you are building. How is it different on this planet? What strange elements shape their society?

    What type of magical creatures? Specifics could give us a glimpse into her world.

    In the 250 words, you lead with the name Apolline too much. It starts 4 out of the 5 first sentences. I would mix it up a bit. I do really enjoy your name choices. Also, maybe set the scene a bit more before plunging into dialogue. Again, another opportunity to do a little world building.

    The aunts know that she is the cursed sleepy princess, but she doesn’t. Maybe show more hype and importance to the potion. They could throw each other cautious glances. They could obsess about not spilling a singles drop. What does Apolline think the potion is for? Maybe they make a game of giving it to her. How does it taste? Does she like taking it or does she avoid it like fish oil.

    Good luck,

    Shawn (#12 DARKENWEAR) @ShawnTWrites on Twitter

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  2. When you add that she's happy being betrothed to someone she doesn't know to hunting magical creatures, it seems a bit blase. Most people who will be reading the book in our current day and age would have a strong reaction to marrying someone they don't know. It might help to put in the reason for her unconcern for it.

    I would say, guardians' warning against, but that is personal preference. It seems to flow slightly better.

    The query is good. It gives us a sense of what is going on in the book while staying intriguing.


    For the 250 words I am assuming it is a prologue because there is a big age jump between Apolline's antics, which I can picture my four year old daughter doing, and falling in love.

    One thing I don't understand is why they would tell her all about the story but not tell her that she is the princess. If they want to keep her in the dark, they probably wouldn't even tell her the story at all.

    I like the light and carefree tone of the writing but I think that Shawn is right about trying to give the potion an ominous or more serious feel.

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  3. I rather like this and I'm not a fan of princess stories. Your voices comes through the query. Well done.

    I've copy/pasted your query below. I write my comments in caps to make for seeing them easier, not to yell at you.

    All her life, Apolline heard the story of the lost Princess of Tyrone and the sleeping curse the sorceress placed on her at birth. But never once did (she--I'D USE APOLLINE'S NAME HERE TO BREAK UP THE 'SHE' USAGE.) consider she could be the princess. She’s (INSERT? BEEN??) happy hunting magical creatures (TO DO WHAT WITH THEM?) on her pirate infested outer-perimeter planet, betrothed to someone [[she doesn’t even know.--DRESS THIS UP A LITTLE. FOR EXAMPLE: SOME GUY NAMED JOE. (SAY IT WITH HER VOICE.) DOES SHE KNOW IF HE'S OLD OR YOUNG? OR ANY SLIGHT TIDBIT ABOUT HIM.)

    Then Allard appears. Handsome, charming—suddenly everything becomes complicated. But he’s not hers to have. He’s betrothed too. Despite her guardians warning her against her new found friendship, she and Allard meet in secret, and their love blossoms.
    But the deadline for the sleeping curse [[is approaching.--APPROACHES. (YOU COULD BE SPECIFIC TO LET US KNOW HOW MUCH TIME THIS NOVEL HAPPENS IN???) If Apolline falls in love with the wrong person, she could [[end--WIND? up IN ETERNAL SLEEP?]]] sleeping forever. (IS SHE EAGER TO KNOW WHAT THE WORLD IS LIKE WHEN SHE WAKES UP? IS THIS ALLARD EVEN REAL? OR JUST A DREAM?

    The Princess of Tyrone is a New Adult Sci-Fi/Fantasy at 71,000 that (tells--RETELLS?) the Grimm fairytale of Sleeping Beauty in a futuristic and lighthearted manner. It is a standalone novel, but HAS SAME GALAXY SERIES POTENTIAL ??? it part of a series based in the same galaxy.

    For your 250 I will say I was a bit lost because your MC seems to be a little girl. Consider not starting with a dream or daydream back to when she was little. Make it present day and hearing the fairy tale again. We need to connect with your MC of today right away.

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  4. Very cool idea. Sleeping Beauty in space!

    First off, I’d pick whether it is sci-fi or fantasy. Sounds like sci-fi to me. And as there is no hint of a plotline involving the sci-fi, maybe call if NA Romance with a sci-fi setting.

    All her life, Apolline (neat name) heard the story of the lost Princess of Tyrone and the sleeping curse the sorceress placed on her at birth. But never once did she consider she could be the princess. (I’m not sure if I like such in your face ‘chosen one’ syndrome. It might be a turn off for agents. Might not be such a great way to start.) She’s happy hunting magical creatures on her pirate infested outer-perimeter planet, betrothed to someone she doesn’t even (cut. ‘Even’ is a crutch word) know. (I’d like to know more about how she feels about the forced betrothal. What’s motivating her? What does she want?)

    Then Allard appears. Handsome, charming—suddenly (suddenly is another word that sticks out to agents. I’ve seen them say as much on twitter. maybe change to ‘and’) everything becomes complicated. But he’s not hers to have. He’s betrothed too. (Consider something longer and more connect. But with his own betrothal, he’s not hers to have.) Despite her guardians warning her against her new found (hyphen new-found) friendship, she and Allard meet in secret (how about some specific sci-fi places to spice this up), and their love blossoms.

    But the deadline for the sleeping curse is approaching. If Apolline falls in love with the wrong person, she could end up sleeping forever. (I’m sort of disappoint there’s nothing here about the sci-fi aspect. As told here, this is straight romance that happens to be in space. Try working in some sci-fi aspects to the stakes. What does it mean for her world?)

    The Princess of Tyrone is a New Adult Sci-Fi/Fantasy at 71,000 that tells the Grimm fairytale of Sleeping Beauty in a futuristic and lighthearted manner( Then make the query lighthearted and futuristic and you won’t have to tell that here. All her life, Apolline yawned when they told the story of the lost … birth. Ugh. Politics is so dull. She’s happy hunting … Or something that fits with her voice.). It is a standalone novel, but it part of a series based in the same galaxy.

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  5. I can't say I'm sold on starting with Apolline as a little girl. First off the sentences are so short and simplified that it doesn't read as NA. Second agents tend to dislike prologues. And third there are no inner thoughts from Apolline which would help us feel closer to her. Couldn't we have the same scene only as an adult and Apolline remembering how she used to hid under the bed? Maybe asking for a story for old times sake and putting up her nose at the sleeping beauty story. Then go more ominous with the potion?

    Apolline giggled from (cut ‘from’) under her bed. She watched her Aunt Fantine’s feet as she paced (cut ‘as she paced’ use pace) the room.

    “Apolline? Where has she gone?”

    Apolline giggled again.

    “I thought I heard something.”

    Apolline gasped and covered her mouth.

    The bed skirt flew back and the round face of Fantine appeared, making Apolline screech and giggle.

    “Found you!”

    “No!” Apolline dashed out, wrapping her arms around Fantine’s wide waist. “I got you, Aunt Fantine!”

    Fantine laughed and lifted her up in a tight squeeze. “It’s getting late now, dearie.”

    “Tell me a story.” (some inner thought here?)

    “All right.” Fantine set her on the bed.

    Apolline grasped her blankets and wrapped herself up(cut ‘up’) so only her face showed. Aunt Sophronia, a tall, slender woman with cropped auburn hair, glanced into the room with a scowl. “Why is she still awake?”

    “Hush, Sophronia,” Fantine scolded. “A few minutes of extra play and a story won’t hurt.”

    Sophronia sighed. “Just keep her quiet.”

    Apolline poked her tongue out as Sophronia moved on. (some inner thoughts here?)

    “I saw that!” The youngest of the three, Aunt Ashlan, appeared in front of Apolline with a pinkish glow. She bent over and kissed her(the girl’s) forehead. “Don’t sass her, Apolline.”

    “She’s a mean fairy,” Apolline responded with a frown. “Fairies are supposed to be nice.”

    “I heard that,” Sophronia called down the hall.

    The three of them giggled. Ashlan kissed her head again. “Don’t forget her potion, Fantine.”

    “I know. I never do.” Fantine sat in the chair beside Apolline’s bed with a book in her lap, and slipped a small bottle and spoon from the satchel attached to her skirt waistband. (inner thoughts on what Apolline thinks of the potion here.)

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  6. I like this. I don't really have much to add to the query except that I think it might be too simple. It hedges on the idea of snow white in space, but there's a book like that coming out from Hyperion soon (Stitching Snow, by R.C. Lewis), so you need to show that your premise is significantly different. Specifically, you have to show that your premise is different enough to warrant someone taking a chance on this manuscript. Add some details so we can sink our teeth into the meat of this idea.

    I'm not sure I like having an NA start when she's a kid. It also makes me wonder why this is NA and not YA. I think the more details in the query letter might clear that up. I'd also be very careful about where you start your story. Do you need to start it here? Could she have a moment remembering this exact scene later? It's one thing to read about children when they are the protag, but it's entirely another to spend a chapter with a child and then be expected to gauge whether we'll enjoy spending time with them as a NA.

    In short: more details in query, and consider starting with your protag as an adult (but those are just my opinions, so feel free to ignore!)

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  7. All her life Apolline heard the story of the lost Princess of Tyrone and the sleeping curse the sorceress placed on her at birth. But never once did she consider she could be the princess. She’s happy hunting magical creatures on her pirate infested outer-perimeter planet, betrothed to someone she doesn’t even know.

    (I would suggest reworking the first sentence because I immediately thought of Sleeping Beauty.While that can be good I wondered if it was more YA than NA. I also wondered if something like this would work:Hunting magical creatures on the the pirate infested planet (name) is all Apolline (last name) knows. For her entire life she has heard the story of the lost Princess of Tyrone. But never once did she think it could be her.


    Then Allard appears(The two MC's names are too similar to me, I would possibly confuse them as a reader) Handsome, charming—suddenly everything becomes complicated.(winning her over with his good looks and unending charm) But he’s not hers to have. He’s betrothed too. Despite her guardians warning her against her new found friendship, she and Allard meet in secret, and their love blossoms.(sounds a little like Romeo and Juliet).
    But the deadline for the sleeping curse is approaching. If Apolline falls in love with the wrong person, she could end up sleeping forever.(This sentence threw me because it implied that now she suddenly knows about the curse that hangs over her. But I'm guessing she doesn't but others around her do?

    The Princess of Tyrone is a New Adult Sci-Fi/Fantasy at 71,000 that tells the Grimm fairytale of Sleeping Beauty in a futuristic and lighthearted manner. It is a standalone novel, but it part of a series based in the same galaxy.

    First off I love the title!
    This definitely sounds more SCI-FI to me.
    I found the Query a little too generic. The was nothing there to make it stand out against the rest. As someone above mentioned, I would touch a little more on the Planet that she lives on, it's not mentioned at all that I can see. Also there was nothing in the Query to tell me why this would be NA rather than YA.

    FIRST 250

    I would wonder why you're starting your story with the MC as a child. I would have hoped to open the book to her hunting some Magical creatures or a retelling of the legend or something like that to immediately take us to this new planet which could be very exciting and interesting.

    Just some thoughts. I hope I helped somewhat :-)
    Love the idea though and I wish you the best of luck!

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  8. I agree with Michelle here. Starting with Apolline as a little girl confused me. So does this make the portion you're sharing here a prologue? and I don't know about anyone else, but this kind of threw me:

    “I saw that!” The youngest of the three, Aunt Ashlan, appeared in front of Apolline with a pinkish glow (this part about the pinkish glow). She bent over and kissed her forehead. “Don’t sass her, Apolline.”

    I love the idea of this though--especially that her surroundings are "pirate infested." Now there would be a place to start. I'd love to see her hunting around as a woman rather than playing as a child.

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  9. I love this idea! For the query, I would identify that it is a retelling of "Sleeping Beauty" in the first paragraph. If you want to keep the structure as-is, I would consider moving the third sentence of the first paragraph to the second paragraph.

    I like how you introduce all three of the aunts / fairies immediately. I would probably cut some of the dialogue and add in more description, however. While like how you introduce the characters, I agree that it would be best to open differently. Maybe you could save this heartwarming scene for the end of the first chapter, after she's taken down a few pirates!

    Good luck!

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  10. I love this idea! For the query, I would identify that it is a retelling of "Sleeping Beauty" in the first paragraph. If you want to keep the structure as-is, I would consider moving the third sentence of the first paragraph to the second paragraph.

    I like how you introduce all three of the aunts / fairies immediately. I would probably cut some of the dialogue and add in more description, however. While like how you introduce the characters, I agree that it would be best to open differently. Maybe you could save this heartwarming scene for the end of the first chapter, after she's taken down a few pirates!

    Good luck!

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  11. I totally forgot about this! Thank you so much everyone for looking at this. I have adjusted my query, and I'm trying to decide what to do with my prologue.

    ReplyDelete