Friday, February 7, 2014

SVS Alternate 2: I WAS A SUMMER REALITY STAR, Women's Fiction

I'm very happy to have the opportunity to announce my two alternates. I spent many moments frozen in front of the computer debating on my last three choices and wishing I had a few more spots. Any love you can show to these two entries will be greatly appreciated.

And to help with that I'm providing a CRITIQUE WORKSHOP. Through the month of February, I will run a workshop for those who entered Sun versus Snow and provide feedback to the two alternates by leaving a comment on both of them. Please notice I'm not saying I will post everyone who comments, just as many as I can. Twenty or thirty I can handle, one hundred not so much.

Whether this works will depend totally on you. Obviously the more people who return to leave feedback, the more successful and helpful the workshop will become. You have to give to get, in other words. Please don't drop out after your entry is posted. Stick with the workshop until the end in consideration of those who commented on your entry. If the comments drop off to slim and none, I will end the workshop.

To sum up: Comment on both alternates. Leave your entry's TITLE and AGE CATEGORY (so I can find it) at the end of your comments. Come back and leave feedback for others once the workshop starts. Stick around to the end.
   


Alternate 2:


Title: I WAS A SUMMER REALITY STAR
Genre: Women's fiction
Word Count: 74,000
My Main Character is most uncomfortable with: 

Jen lives in Seattle, where more days are cloudy than not. You’d think that would make Jen more uncomfortable in sunny weather. However, when the sun peeks through the clouds, Jen loves the warm rays on her face as she walks around the city. When she spends the summer in Los Angeles, she is delighted to bask in the sun for hours each day. An avid pedestrian, Jen is more uncomfortable in slippery snow that clings to her pant legs and makes the sidewalks treacherous. Plus, it’s like fluffy water, and that’s just bizarre. 
Query:

Dear Fellow worshipper of Helios:

When 23-year-old Jennifer Read responded to an ad seeking adventurous, intelligent 20-somethings for a competition-based reality show, she never dreamed that her whim would lead to love.

Life after college just isn’t as advertised: Jen’s low-paying job is uninspiring, her boyfriend won’t commit, and the future looks unexciting. One day, Jen finds an ad seeking smart young adults for a new reality show. Thinking that the audition process might be an interesting experience, she submits an application. However, her boyfriend's negative reaction to her leaving for the summer makes Jen wonder if she made a mistake.

When she discovers that her boyfriend is secretly married, Jen packs a bag and heads to Los Angeles. She moves into a glass house with 11 strangers to compete for a $250,000 prize. For several weeks, she performs in physical and mental challenges, makes new friends - and vies for the attention of Justin, the handsome contestant who has also caught the eye of another woman. As the show progresses, Jen fights to win the viewers' loyalty so she can stay on the show. Can she win the ultimate prize without losing herself in the process?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

First 250 words:

"I’ve got something to do tonight, but you can come over if you want to hang.”

I read the text from my boyfriend aloud. “How romantic,” I muttered.

But, still, I hadn’t seen him recently…

I heard a voice in the back of my head. “You shouldn’t let yourself be at his beck and call.”

Oh, wait. That was Ashley. For a second, I’d forgotten that she was on my Bluetooth.

“I’m not!” I insisted. “I was the one who suggested getting together at the last minute.”

“You texted him for a booty call?”

“It’s not a booty call! I asked if he wanted to grab dinner because I had to run some errands after work. But I got hungry, so I ate.”

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. “I guess that’s different.”

“Besides, he’s got that computer conference next week. We may not get another chance to see each other before he leaves. A woman has needs!”

I almost heard Ashley rolling her eyes. “Have fun, tonight, Jen. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Thanks. You, too.”

It didn’t take long to pack an overnight bag. A short walk and three Metro stops later, I knocked on the door of Dominic’s duplex. As always, the pink welcome mat tickled me. Dom inherited the house from his aunt with the decor, and he hadn’t changed a thing.

I strained to hear if he was coming, but couldn’t make out anything over the rain and the wind.

15 comments:

  1. Hello, author of I Was a Summer Reality Star!

    Great, premise--very in-the-now with the reality aspect. I enjoyed your query, but when I got to the line about her boyfriend's negative reaction leading to your MC questioning if she made a mistake to compete because of it, I paused. Why did he have a negative reaction, and why would it make her wonder if she made a mistake about something that could benefit her ("oh no! is she going to let a man dominate her decisions?" was my thought)? The next line is a terrific catapult for her entering the competition--perhaps combining the insight of his secret marriage with his negative reaction?

    250

    I felt like I was dropped into the middle of a scene, rather than an opening. I'm thinking a little rearranging would help. Starting, for instance, with her packing the bag and going to Dom's house will help the reader get her bearings on the where and what of your opening. Jen could then re-read that text on the doorstep and go from there.

    Just my thoughts, take what sounds right and leave the rest. :) Good luck!

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  2. Loving the premise! It sounds intriguing and fun.

    Query: Putting rhetorical questions into your query are like kryptonite. You want to hook, not leave the agent wondering. I think the second paragraph needs a little more of a hook. She's on a reality TV show, and it sounds like there's a brewing love triangle, but what exactly are her stakes? What is going to connect us to Jennifer and want us to root for her? What is the ultimate prize, is it Justin or the money? Turn that last sentence into the stakes and drive it home.

    250:

    You're going to get mixed reviews on opening with Dialogue. 8/10 times you're going to get people saying they don't like it. Subjective is the name of this business. So keep that in mind. But dropping us into a scene with dialogue and we're not connected to the setting or characters is risky.

    The sentences could also use a bit of tightening. Go through and strike all the "was" and "I heard" sentences. Tighten! Pull us in, make us one with the MC. For example your sentence - I heard a voice in the back of my head. “You shouldn’t let yourself be at his beck and call.” Instead try something like - That familiar voice scratched at the back of my head. "You shouldn't let yourself be at his beck and call."

    Good luck to you, this story does sound really fun!!

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  3. I love the reality show angle of your MS, and this sounds like something I'd enjoy reading.
    Query: I like your hook, but when I read the next paragraph, I felt like I was reading the same information again, especially the ad part. I agree with Janet.. although I personally like the question you have in your query, the agents I follow on Twitter all seem to say not to have any questions in a query.

    First 250: I do think this line is cute & clever- "Oh, wait. That was Ashley. For a second, I’d forgotten that she was on my Bluetooth." However, I wasn't big on the dialogue at the beginning, I didn't feel drawn into the story because of it.
    I think this might need reworded: Dom inherited the house from his aunt with the decor, -- maybe "Dom inherited the house, and its (awful) decor, from his aunt.....

    Good luck, I hope this helps!
    Katie

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  4. Hi there, author of REALITY STAR! Mentor Sarah Marsh of Team Snow here. This is such a fun premise!

    Query: Overall, I enjoyed the setup here and thought the query was strong. As others have already wisely pointed out, questions in a query are generally frowned upon. In this case, I think you could reword the question at the end to show us even higher stakes! One thing I didn't get a clear sense of while reading the query is what the reality show is about. Is it something similar to Big Brother? That's the vague impression I got from reading. That aside, as long as you make the stakes clearer at the end I think you're set! :)

    First 250: This is where I would spend most of your time revising. I love how clever and engaging this dialogue is, but I felt dropped into the middle of a scene without anything to ground me there. Show us what Jen is doing, what she sees, engage our senses and ground us in her world before/as you jump into all this dialogue. I suggest opening with a line or two that aren't dialogue, in fact, before you begin the conversation with Jen's friend. Don't be afraid to be more descriptive so we can visualize the story!!

    Best of luck with this! :)

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  5. Hi, I'm Vicki Lemp Weavil, one of the TEAM SNOW mentors.

    Fun premise -- great for a NA. I think your query and first 250 can be tweaked, though.

    Query:
    When 23-year-old Jennifer Read responded to an ad... (This doesn't work for me as a hook. Your story sounds so fun, timely, and snappy that I want a "hook" that matches your concept. Something a bit humorous, if your story has humor. Or more sharp and sarcastic, if that is the book's tone. Consider something like -- "On a whim, twenty-three-year-old Jennifer Read dives into adventure on a reality show, only to crash into the last thing she was looking for -- love." Okay, you can do better than that, but you get the idea. One fun thing to do is to incorporate aspects of the book into this. So if the competition involves certain activities -- like diving, swimming, running, etc. -- maybe use some of that terminology).

    Life after college... (I would change the last phrase. I think you can use something more concrete here. ".. the future appears as exciting as working the register at Walmart." Something specific). One day, Jen finds an ad... submits an application. (This can be condensed: When Jen spies an ad seeking smart young adults for a new reality show, she submits an application just for the thrill.") However, her boyfriend's... (I would cut this and blend it into the next paragraph, see below).

    When she discovers that her boyfriend is secretly married... (I think you can condense and punch this up. Ex.: "Jen's boyfriend isn't happy with this idea, but when Jen discovers he's secretly married, she leaps into the competition, determined to emerge a winner." Or something like that. I don't think mentioning LA is necessary, or the prize money, really). For several weeks... (Again, I think you need more active words and more spark -- maybe describe, briefly, the challenges? "For weeks, Jen is locked in competition with eleven other contestants -- rappelling down cliffs, scuba diving in shark-infested waters, and playing elaborate mind games that test her will and sanity.") As the show progresses... (These last two sentences need more oomph. "Jen must fight to win the favor of television viewers to remain on the show, but her greatest challenge is battling another woman for the love of fellow contestant Justin. Jen's determined to emerge the victor in both contests, but winning requires sacrifices that she never expected-- her integrity and pride and maybe even herself.")

    Just giving ideas to play with. You can do better revising using your own words and in-depth knowledge of your story. I just think you can infuse this query with more action, sparkle, and voice. (Which I imagine are there in abundance in the actual book).

    First 250 words:

    I agree with the other commenters -- I would ground this in some location, description, even inner thoughts or monologue BEFORE jumping into the text call and dialogue. Maybe just a short paragraph to tell us where Jen is (in her apt.? work?) and how drab and unexciting that is (I assume, from the query). Then you can show her dissatisfaction and restlessness and NEED for some excitement.... Which leads right into the text and her heading over to the boyfriend's place.

    The dialogue is good, I just think you need to start this in a different place.

    Hope some bit of this helps! Good luck with your future querying and your road to publication!

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  6. I'm with everyone else - this sounds like SUCH a fun read.
    I don't want to belabor what everyone else has said, but it's worth noting that I think some of your query challenges come from being too much a synopsis. Jen's stakes are buried in the last paragraph, and we need a better idea of what she stands to lose - the prize money? Is that the ultimate prize? Or Justin? Does she stand to lose her sense of self, which is already damaged by the discovery of her married boyfriend? What does she have to do to fight for viewer loyalty and is it opposite of what she needs to do to get Justin's attention?
    First 250: like the others, I thought the dialogue was great AND I thought it needed to either be cut short or moved. Perhaps start with the first two lines and then let us know she's knocking on his door and while she waits for him, go back and review the rest of the conversation, or have it happening while she waits?
    That may possibly be a way to split the difference if you love the idea of starting with dialogue and don't want to lose it. Or, as others suggest, just do it later in your opening scene.
    Good luck! I enjoyed reading this - when it's polished and published it'll be even better.

    My #sunvvssnow entry: EXQUISITE SENSES
    Genre: YA Speculative/Thriller

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  7. Hi! Marty from Team Snow #12.


    For your query: I think the first paragraph could be eliminated; it’s essentially a logline, and it’s better just to show it to us. I believe you should make her motivation for applying a little more exciting than “thinking it might be an interesting experience,” and you do this well with your Life after college sentences in the beginning of the 2nd paragraph. Maybe expand a tiny bit more with this. I also think you should take out the sentences about her boyfriend because the most interesting part of your MS is what happens while she participates in the show (I assume). Jump into why she applies, then go right to all the fun stuff you talk about in the third paragraph. I’d also like to have you show us more of why fighting for viewers means losing herself. I assume, like in most reality shows, she has to get cut-throat and conniving to win. Show us a little more of her conflict regarding this.

    For your 250: I’m not sure you’re starting at the right place with the texts and conversation. I don’t have any setting, so dropping me into the middle of it makes it hard to ground myself in the story. If you began when she’s at her boyfriend’s door, it might grab the reader more. It also shows a tiny bit of her character, which bonds the reader with the MC (the pink welcome mat tickling her is so cute).

    Best of luck with this! I think the premise is exciting and agents will be all over it.

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  8. I love the liveliness that comes through your writing - even just in your sun or snow comment. It really show what a fun read the book's going to be. My only comment would be about your final line - the wind and the rain. You haven't mentioned it until that line so I wondered if you could show it to us on her dash over to the boyfriend's before she's then at the door unable to hear what's going on inside. Best wishes and good luck.
    Gina
    AFTER THE MIRROR _ MG Adventure

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  9. Wow! I remember this from early workshops on nat's page and this has gotten really good!

    I agree with the rest- kill the question on the query to a sentence. I like the additional descriptions you've added in there also. Big improvement.

    It seems sort of disjointed now? Maybe too much is happening. I know I'm one of the people that suggested the addition of a friend, and I liked it, but now with the descriptions you've added in, I don't think it's necessarily needed? Or have her be on the phone already outside his place? Like I could see Jen being really surprised he can't hear the two of them talking over her bluetooth- and she hopes it doesn't get wet in the rain. A lot of things you could use to draw attention to the setting that way.

    Definitely mention the weather earlier.

    I will email you if I think of anything else (after everybody comments.) Great improvement, though!!
    :)

    ~ Julia Mae
    RAGNOR's BANE YA Fantasy

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  10. Hello I WAS A SUMMER REALITY STAR author! I'm one of the sun vs. snow mentors and wanted to help with your query if I can!

    QUERY:
    What a fun premise and I love that it's adult and a romance. This story has lot of potential, you just need to really showcase in your query and sample pages!

    Vicki Weavil has an excellent query crit for you above, so please really take her advice into consideration while you are re-working.

    I think you do need to brainstorm some new more dynamic fun and catchy hooks. I actually really like Vicki's idea or spinning off from that.

    I think you're starting too early with the query ("One day...") I would start with her finding out about the boyfriend and that the reality show is just the thing to help her out of the break-up funk and whatever else she doesn't have going on in her current life.

    I also agree that avoiding questions is a good idea. But if you come up with a more compelling one and you can't reword it into a statement--if everything else is great and sharp--don't worry about it. : )

    FIRST 250: I'm going to paste your words in here and comment in parenthesis. Subjectivity is indeed a real thing, so what might not work for some, will work for others. Go with a mix of your gut and general consensus!

    "I’ve got something to do tonight, but you can come over if you want to hang.” (starting right away with dialogue throws me off. If you really want this as you first scene, I would start with an action that also shows Jen's current state of mind. Then jump into the dialogue!

    I read the text from my boyfriend aloud. “How romantic,” I muttered.

    But, still, I hadn’t seen him recently…

    I heard a voice in the back of my head. “You shouldn’t let yourself be at his beck and call.”

    Oh, wait. That was Ashley. For a second, I’d forgotten that she was on my Bluetooth. (is she in the car reading texts and on bluetooth? I'm not judging--just wondering. Either way, your first sentences should get us grounded in setting. ; ) )

    “I’m not!” I insisted. “I was the one who suggested getting together at the last minute.”

    “You texted him for a booty call?”

    “It’s not a booty call! I asked if he wanted to grab dinner because I had to run some errands after work. But I got hungry, so I ate.”

    There was a long pause on the other end of the line. “I guess that’s different.”

    “Besides, he’s got that computer conference next week. We may not get another chance to see each other before he leaves. A woman has needs!”

    I almost heard Ashley rolling her eyes. “Have fun, tonight, Jen. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

    “Thanks. You, too.”
    (while this convo does give me an idea of Jen and Ashly's friendship and of the guy, I think it might be best to tighten it up and move it away from the first 250. I would suggest starting with her at the boyfriends house or leaving his house if nothing really happens there. Start with a scene where things are happening.)
    It didn’t take long to pack an overnight bag. A short walk and three Metro stops later, I knocked on the door of Dominic’s duplex. As always, the pink welcome mat tickled me. Dom inherited the house from his aunt with the decor, and he hadn’t changed a thing. (I'm already so curious! Is this his house and the wife is gone or does he borrow the house from his aunt for his affair!!?? I like the foreshadowing you're doing.)

    I strained to hear if he was coming, but couldn’t make out anything over the rain and the wind. (I don't think that the last sentence needs to really be a cliffhanger per se, but if there is anything shady going on in there, allude to it. Or does she see or hear something else "off" that you could drop here? Like: maybe she hears through the door say "love you too, I'll call you as soon as I finish with this work stuff." Or is there a new girly wreath on the door or a pair of flip flops on the mat?" Just some thoughts!

    Either way, please keep us posted on how your querying goes. wishing you the best with this one! : )

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  11. This seems like a really fun read! Best of luck to you!

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  12. Hi, author of I WAS A SUMMER REALITY STAR! This is the author of Team Snow #10, here, trying to pay forward (since I cannot really pay back) the awesome feedback I got during the contest. Hope some of this is of use!

    Query: Overall, I think your query is pretty strong--it's clear, concise and your fun premise shines through. I do have a few minor suggestions, though, that might help give your query a bit more punch.

    I wasn't a fan of your first sentence/hook. A lot of queries I've read use a variant on "character never expected x"—and that's fine, good stories have twists and turns—but it's a phrasing I've seen enough that if you can figure out a slightly different, punchier, more unique way of phrasing that, it'd grab my attention better. It was just a phrasing issue for me—I think the information conveyed is definitely eye-catching, I just wished the phrasing were as catchy as well.

    I personally don't think the fact that Jen's boyfriend disapproves of her choice to enter the show adds anything. It loses importance in the next line when she discovers he's already married, so the gap between the two lines just made Jen seem indecisive (to me) and a little dependent on a man's decisions, which I didn't like. I think it would also work better for me if you combined the line about the boyfriend's disapproval with the discovery that he's married as some have suggested.

    Probably the biggest problem I had was that I didn't quite understand the nature of the reality show competition. What exactly are they doing--and what is the prize they're winning? Briefly, I thought it might be a Bachelor-type show because of the mention of winning Justin's love, but then I came to the conclusion that was not the actual competition, but something Jen stumbles into during the competition that's (somewhat) unrelated. I'd like that to be just a bit clearer, so that there'd be a little less initial confusion.

    Opening 250: I don't think opening with dialogue is inherently an issue, but opening with nothing but dialogue did not work for me. Most of the first section, I felt extremely disoriented—it's all talking heads. I don't know who these girls are, where they are or anything. I don't think the conversation needs to go, but I think there need to be little details between each line of dialogue to help me feel more grounded in the world. Who is our narrator? Where is she? What is she doing (beyond talking on her Bluetooth)? Help me begin to visualize and immerse myself in the story's world.

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  13. Wow, you received some wonderful constructive feedback for your query and first 250. I love the premise of your story - I'm a reality show junkie (but not The Kardashians :))

    The part of the query that threw me was the opening line not jiving with the last line. You open with the statement that Jen didn't expect to find love, but then at the end what she is vying for is not love, but the prize, or to not lose herself. Also when you drop the all important line that her boyfriend is married, it sounds a bit too matter of fact. I think when she finds out, she would practically fly to LA, not pass Go, notcollect 200, if you get what I mean.

    I agree with many of the comments for the first 250. I wasn't drawn in by the dialogue. It was a bit didactic for me. I think you could leave most of that at and perhaps have her thinking about the boyfriend on the train, rather than having dialogue with her friend. I love the pink welcome mat, and that scene could be the opener.
    Good luck
    Barbara mg historical fiction Amanda Hardy's Tea Party

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  14. Hello! Sorry if I repeat anything that anyone else has said--I like to critique before reading anyone else's comments so that I'm not influenced in any way.

    Query:
    Quite a bit of the second paragraph (especially the second sentence and part of the third) is repetitive of the opening paragraph. The second paragraph could be trimmed down to make the query more concise.

    What most catches my attention is the idea of a glass house. There was a reality show in 2012 on ABC called The Glass House, and you should be EXTRA careful that your book doesn’t reflect the show (or else you risk facing a law suit).

    I’m a little confused by the last sentence of the query (“Can she win the ultimate prize without losing herself in the process?”). How would she lose herself? Does she have to give up part of her true self in order to have a shot at winning? If so, that would be worth mentioning so that the stakes seem clearer.

    First 250:
    Unfortunately, I wasn’t pulled in by the first 250 words. I was really hoping for a little more action; it feels stagnant and lacks flow.

    There was at least one sentence that stood out to me as lacking voice: “We may not get another chance to see each other before he leaves.” I just can’t imagine anyone ever speaking that formally in normal conversation. I suggest reading this intro out loud to get a feel for the way your characters sound and interact.

    Conclusion:
    I think you have a great premise going here. Your ideas could be highlighted better by making the stakes stronger in the query and improving the flow in the excerpt.

    Best of luck!

    Heather
    (LOVE IS FAKE, YOU KNOW – YA LGBT Coming-of-Age)

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  15. It's really neat seeing how this has evolved from when you workshopped it on Nat's page! I really liked the voice then, and I still do.

    Query - I do like the first paragraph/hook, but I agree with some others that you probably could actually cut it -- it's a nice one-sentence summary of the whole book, but that makes it redundant when coupled with the 2-paragraph synopsis.

    I feel ike the transition from the 2nd paragraph to the 3rd could be punchier -- her boyfriend being married is a big twist! Even if you just changed the transition from "When" to "But then."

    It might be good to try to get some of your voice into the query, since you have a nice strong voice for your main character. Maybe let a little of your mc's voice come in by letting us know what she thinks of her humdrum post-college existence or of her boyfriend's deceit. That might spice up the query a bit, and let agents who don't ask for a sample see that great voice.

    I'm also not 100% sure how I feel about the addition of her friend on the phone... I like that she comes off less as a total doormat in this version, but I've seen agents in interviews refer to a phone call as an overused device for the opening (I know it's not really about the phone call here -- that's more of a side thing -- but even so). Also, I don't know how important her friend turns out to be to the story -- can't tell from the first 250 -- but if she's not that important, it might be best to focus on Jen & her boyfriend as you set up the initial conflict. (If she IS important, then I'd be more inclined to think she could stay, especially if she has a role in the conflict rather than just filling a classic best friend supporter role.

    Good luck!

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