Friday, November 28, 2014

Fall 1st Hop Critique 10

I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

The hop is now closed. Be sure to finish up your critiques. Writers at the beginning and ending of the list should critique each other. If you have a revision, you can ask for feedback on the #Fall1stHop hashtag. 
Query Hop coming in December so stay tuned!
The random number generator picks 13! 
Here is the first page without comments:
Black Bird – NA Post-apocalyptic Romance
An ear-splitting growl cut through the trees, and Rab lost his footing on the slippery path. His backside hit the ground with a muffled smack, and a wave of pain shot down his spine. “Ow,” he said, rotating his neck to ease the soreness and assure himself that no one had witnessed his fall. Although he hadn’t laid eyes on another person since he’d left home four days ago, it seemed natural to check. His breath caught at movement over his left shoulder.
Up a steep incline, a girl approached an enormous two-horned beast with her hand extended. Its hind legs teetered inches from a rocky overhang but the girl seemed unaware of the danger a cornered animal posed. Rab forgot his injury and jumped to his feet, running up the hill while grasping for the bow at his waist.
As he drew near, he slowed his pace so the sound of his footsteps wouldn’t surprise the girl. She’d crept even closer and stood only yards away from her quarry. The beast blustered and swung its head in a strange sideways motion. Unsure of what to do next, Rab searched his memories for knowledge about this breed he believed descended from the ancient bison. Only one fact came to mind—that without warning this species could gather great speed to charge its prey.

And with my crazy comments:
Black Bird – NA Post-apocalyptic Romance
An ear-splitting growl cut through the trees, and Rab (stumbled, losing his footing?) lost his footing on the slippery path. His backside hit the ground with a muffled smack, and a wave of pain shot down his spine. “Ow,” he said, rotating his neck to ease the soreness and assure himself that no one had witnessed his fall.(Wouldn't he be checking on whatever made that growl instead? If it startled him enough to cause him to fall, you'd think he'd be worried. And fear is a stronger emotion than embarrassment.) Although he hadn’t laid eyes on another person since he’d left home four days ago(The first part of this is a great tidbit of info.), it seemed natural to check. His breath caught at movement over his left shoulder.
Up a steep incline, a girl of all things (Something to indicate his surprise.) approached an enormous two-horned beast with her hand extended.(Feels like there should be some description of the girl or her dress to give us an idea of the world. Not so important how she looks as to hint at this world. Are her clothes homemade? Is she carrying anything?) Its hind legs teetered inches from a rocky overhangcomma but the girl seemed unaware of the danger a cornered animal posed. (Rab seems to know about animals. He hasn't seen anyone in four days. I'm wondering if they live rough or have cities.)Rab forgot his injury(I didn't know he had one. It's just a bump and a bruise, right? Maybe he jumps stiffly to his feet.) and jumped to his feet, running up the hill while grasping for the bow at his waist.
As he drew near, he slowed his pace so the sound of his footsteps wouldn’t surprise the girl. She’d crept even closer and stood only yards away from her quarry. The beast blustered and swung its head in a strange sideways motion. Unsure of what to do next, Rab searched his memories for knowledge about this breed he believed descended from the ancient bison. Only one fact came to mind—that without warning this species could gather great speed to charge its prey. (I think you're trying to show us something important in the last two sentences, but they slow down the pace.) Rab froze. Was that an ancient bison? Weren't those extinct? His grip on the bow tensed as a memory surfaced. Bison charged without warning.

Pretty solid entry, but I think there are a few places to up the tension and make the pace faster. It made me curious about the world and what would happen next.
I hope this helps. 

3 comments:

  1. I don't entirely agree with your notes, but hey... what do I know?

    I wish this author all the best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As I mention above, it's just one subjective opinion. The author must do what seems right to them.

      Everyone will have their own thoughts and sharing them give the author a choice of feedback.

      Delete
  2. Thanks Michelle, It is so great to get another opinion. Plus it reminds me that some of the stuff I put in there related to sentences that are now deleted... :) Also appreciative of everyone that helped me on the blog!

    ReplyDelete