Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Fall 1st Hop Critique 9

I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

The hop is now closed. Be sure to finish up your critiques. Writers at the beginning and ending of the list should critique each other. If you have a revision, you can ask for feedback on the #Fall1stHop hashtag. 
Query Hop coming in December so stay tuned!
The random number generator picks 35! 
Here is the first page without comments:
YA Murder Mystery
A police car blocked the main road into my school’s burnt umber brick and whitewashed doors. I raised an eyebrow at it, nibbled a nail, and tripped out of the school minibus.
For April, the spring air rose way too crisply and held grass thick with swords of dew, and I struggled with the starched collar of my uniform as moisture crept up my arms and into that annoying air pocket between jumper and shirt. I loosened my tie and shook the wrinkles from my skirt.
“Agnetha! Come on.”
I jolted. Whilst I preferred Vera not laughing at me, I winced at her whining tone. Like I cared if we were late. First lesson on Fridays was Spanish, and I was already failing.
I walked to where she stood and rested a hand on one of her wrists with a nod towards the main entrance.
“Look.”
As she froze to follow my now-absent gaze, I wandered ahead and kicked at the flowerbed along the front lawn path. I’d have dived into the mushrooms and roses there instead of bumbling my way to class. I snapped off one pink-faced fool and tossed it into the mud, and then lifted a mushroom, shifting earth and shoe-dirt and wilderness as I tucked the fungus behind my ear.
A hand on my shoulder, and Vera had caught up. She skipped past me, bubbling with incessant words. “What’s up with the police car?”
“You think I know?” I eyed the blue, yellow and white chequers. Police cars had a weird kind of beauty.

And with my crazy comments:
YA Murder Mystery
A police car blocked the main road into my school’s burnt umber brick and whitewashed doors. I raised an eyebrow at it, nibbled a nail, and tripped out of the school minibus. (This second sentence falls flat for me.) I stare at it as I trip out of the school minibus, nibbling on a fingernail.
For April, the spring air rose way too crisply and held grass thick with swords of dew (I think you're trying to say it's hot, but being way too fancy. And I kind of expected something more about the police car) For April, the air stifled, leaving me struggling ... and I struggled with the starched collar of my uniform as moisture crept up my arms and into that annoying air pocket between jumper and shirt. I loosened my tie and shook the wrinkles from my skirt. (I do like the rest of the paragraph but wonder if we shouldn't have something more important or some wonder from her about the police car after she shakes out her skirt.  Such as: Why were the police here?)
“Agnetha! Come on.”
I jolted. (This sounds awkward and you say the same thing in two sentences. You only need it once.) I winced at Vera's whining tone. Whilst I preferred Vera not laughing at me, I winced at her whining tone. Like I cared if we were late. The first lesson today on Fridays (feels like you're feeding us information. Does the day matter?) was Spanish, and I was already failing.
I walked to where she stood and rested a hand on one of her wrists with a nod towards the main entrance.
“Look.”
As she followed my froze to follow my now-absent gaze, I wandered ahead and kicked at the flowerbed along the front lawn path. I’d have If only I could dived into the mushrooms and roses there instead of bumbling my way to class. I snapped off one a pink-faced fool and tossed it into the mud, and then lifted a mushroom, shifting earth and shoe-dirt and wilderness as I tuckeding the fungus behind my ear.
A hand on my shoulder, and Vera had caught up. She Vera skipped past me, bubbling with incessant words. “What’s up with the police car?” (Wouldn't Vera have seen it too when she got off the bus? Why would she have to be told to look at it? It just doesn't seem natural. Maybe if Agnetha redirects her to look at it again. Or if Vera mentions it without having to be directed that way.)
“You think I know?” I eyed the blue, yellow and white chequers. Police cars had a weird kind of beauty. (I feel like we have a main character with a very unique perspective here. Agnetha is interesting.)

To me this passage feels a little stilted or forced, like the writing is trying too hard. It doesn't come across as natural. It's being fancy for the sake of fanciness, not to create a feeling of stiffness in the character. Getting off the school bus is something Agnetha does everyday. It should have a casual feel.

Also why direct Vera to look at the police car. Wouldn't she see it and mention it on her own?

Where the first page could be formal and stiff is about the police car. Maybe you should create a little more ominous feel to the police car. The last paragraph would be a great place to put a little creepiness.

I like this character and this passage made me curious about what happens next.

I hope this helps. 

2 comments:

  1. I like the idea of seeing a police car the first thing in the morning when you get to school. Exciting, mysterious start!

    In the first sentence, I wondered about the doors - are they made of brick? That's what it sounds like to me. Or is the school made of brick and the doors of wood? Maybe you could change "into" to "to" like Michelle said and add "walls" after "brick"?

    I thought the opposite of Michelle regarding the weather - that it was too cold, and swords of dew were frost. But it seemed a bit flowery to me. So I guess you need to clarify cold or hot. I'd agree with Michelle that details on the police car - maybe whether someone is in it, wondering why it's there, etc - would seem more natural to me.

    I like the name Agnetha! Lots of character.

    I also would have expected that Vera (and every other kid) would notice the police car.

    I tripped over the paragraph with the flower bed, and I think Michelle's suggestions would be great there. I like the mushroom behind the ear and her thoughts on the police car. They make me think time spent with Agnetha will be very interesting. Good luck!

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  2. I also was confused about the brick being in the doors. It stopped me right away and I was thinking about brick doors swinging before I reminded myself to keep reading.

    Just as an fyi, the US has a different meaning of the word "jumper" from other parts of the world. in the US, its a over-all type of dress common in school uniforms. From some of the other language such as minibus and chequers, I'm guessing you are not from the US. Maybe just another adjective about the jumper like plaid, or woolen, so readers know if its a dress or a sweater.

    Also I'm not aware of the air-pocket between shirt and jumper sensation if this is something you are thinking everyone has experienced. Just made me stop and think about logistics of where they air pocket would be, etc.

    This is great start, I just stumbled a bit on some of the wording. I really like the idea of showing up to school and there is something going on. Since school is pretty much the same day in and day out, something out of the ordinary is a big deal. Police activity, even more so.

    Good luck with this!

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