Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Fall First Hop Critique 2

I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

Anyone with a finished or unfinished manuscript is welcome to join until November 14th. Go here to join.
Random number generator picks 11!

Here is the first page without comments:
Adult Thriller
The Drought of Sam Dakota
A missed court appearance early in the morning and an emergency custody hearing later in the day sent Sam’s planned day into the crapper. Practically before the judge’s gavel came down, he sprinted from the courthouse. Kansas City’s bumper-to-bumper rush hour hadn’t prevented him getting home before Danny got off the school bus. Not once since Kate died, had he failed to get home. He pulled into the driveway, slammed the truck into park, and leapt out. He hollered Danny’s name as he entered, pausing long enough to glance at the wood floor where his son always dropped his Spiderman backpack. Sam had tripped over it too many times to count.
The wide planks gleamed, unmarred by black and red.
He looked at his watch. 4:45. The bus always arrived by 3:50. “Danny!” The dining room and kitchen were empty. No apple or glass of milk, no sign of snacking. On the back porch, he searched the corners of the yard. Humidity caused wisps of hair to curl around his face, and he swiped them back. It hadn’t been easy scheduling his court cases early in the day, but he’d made it a priority after Kate died. Now what?
There was no boy smell, no stinky shoes, no fresh from outdoors odors. No mud or dirt in evidence.



And with my crazy comments:
Adult Thriller
The Drought of Sam Dakota
A missed court appearance early in the morning and an emergency custody hearing later in the day sent Sam’s planned day into the crapper. Really long sentence to start and it's telling. I'd start with him moving and then give this bit of tell.  Practically before the judge’s gavel came down, he sprinted from the courthouse. Kansas City’s bumper-to-bumper rush hour hadn’t wouldn't prevented him getting home before Danny got off the school bus. Not once since Kate died, had he failed to get home. He pulled into the driveway, slammed the truck into park, and leapt out. (Don't start with 'he' again.) Inside, he hollered Danny’s name as he entered, pausing long enough to glance at the wood floor where his son always dropped his Spiderman backpack. Sam had tripped over it (A place for voice.) the dang thing too many times to count.
The wide planks gleamed, unmarred by black and red any school books. Maybe a little too fancy.
He looked at hHis  watch showed 4:45. The bus always (You used 'always' a few sentences ago. 'By' already says always.)arrived by 3:50. “Danny!” 
The dining room and kitchen were empty. No apple core or empty glass of milk, no sign of snacking. On From the back porch, he searched the corners of the yard. Humidity caused wisps of (girly) hair to curl around against his face (sounds too girly), and he jabbed swiped (again girly) them back. It hadn’t been easy (get rid of that 'it hadn't' for more active verbs.) No matter the difficulties, he made it a priority to scheduleing his court cases early in the day, but he’d made it a priority after since Kate died. (You've already said since Kate died. Why not change it a little?  Since the accident?  Since the funeral?) Now what?
There was No boy smell greeted him, no stinky shoes, no fresh from outdoors odors. (You covered smell twice already. I'd go with something else at the end here. Maybe no crooked smile?)  No mud or dirt in evidence.

I like this a lot. Something is happening already. There is a reason for us to be curious. And we already know a lot about the personality of the main character and a little about Danny. He likes outside. He leaves his stuff lying around. 
What I don't like so much is starting out with the tell for a first sentence, even though it has a nice hook at the end. The length of that sentence put me off somewhat. I'd maybe make it the second or third sentence and put some action first--like driving through traffic or running out of the courthouse. That's a subjective call so feel free to ignore. 
I hope this helps.

3 comments:

  1. Lots of great comments, Michelle. I already left my comments on this story on the blog but reading this gave me a lot of good ideas on ways to improve my own story. I love the addition of "the dang thing" as a way to show voice. In regards to the "wispy" section, I think the writer was trying to show the heat/humidity, but maybe it could be a more sweat based comment? Still really intrigued by this story!

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  2. I'm going to second the rearrangement of the first two sentences.

    As I mentioned, I like the first paragraph, and don't want you to lose it, but as Michelle suggested swip-swapping the two may clear up what the advocates for cutting the whole paragraph were worried about and still keep that great, voice-y, tone setting paragraph.

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  3. Reading this feedback is so helpful! I love seeing the "why" behind things so I can apply it to my own writing in the future. Thank you!

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