Friday, November 14, 2014

Fall First Hop Critique 4

I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

Anyone with a finished or unfinished manuscript is welcome to join until November 14th. Go here to join.
Random number generator picks 3!

Here is the first page without comments:
YA Scifi

SYNTHESIS

I weave through the crowd, a blonde speck of determination in a sea of indifference. A dog-walker and his tangle of mutts blocks my path, a businessman on a phone cuts me off. Even the sidewalks in L.A. have traffic jams. Stupid cracked radiator—no way I’ll make it in time.

I leap over a yapping Pomeranian, spin around a parking meter, but force myself not to run—can’t look sweaty teaching pampered rich kids how to multiply.

Of course, if I hadn’t quit gymnastics, Mom wouldn’t force me to pick up extra tutoring shifts to pay for the car repairs. She gave some speech about learning self-reliance, but I know it’s punishment for deviating from her perfect plan for my life. Control issues much?

The glass storefront with the Haverstein Academy’s faux-Ivy-League logo looms before me. Smile, Emily, only two more years ‘til college and freedom.

A honk and squeal make me turn toward the street where a shiny chrome grill and two headlights hop the curb and barrel at me like a charging beast. On instinct, I do a back handspring, like from one of my old floor routines. My hands slam into the rough concrete, the car hurtles past my toes. I push off, still spinning, a blur of black metal in front of me. The car slams into the building in an explosion of glass and noise. The blast and my momentum throw me to the ground, breath whooshing from my lungs. What the hell just happened?


And with my crazy comments:

YA Scifi

SYNTHESIS

I weave through the crowd, a blonde speck of determination in a sea of indifference (The second part reads a little weird to me. How can she see herself as a blonde speck. Maybe just-- I weave through the indifferent crowd. At this moment the fact that she's small and blonde doesn't matter.) . A dog-walker(I don't find this hyphenated anywhere on the web.) and his tangle of mutts(negative) blocks my path, a businessman on a phone cuts me off. Even the sidewalks in L.A. have traffic jams(Very subjective, but this comment feels rather stale to me. Like something that has been explored way too much.). Stupid(negative) cracked radiator—no way I’ll make it in time.(negative)

I leap over a yapping Pomeranian, spin around a parking meter, but force myself not to run—can’t look sweaty teaching pampered(negative) rich kids how to multiply.

Of course, if I hadn’t quit gymnastics, Mom wouldn’t have forced me to pick up extra tutoring shifts to pay for the car repairs(negative). She gave some speech about learning self-reliance, but I know it’s punishment for deviating from her perfect(negative) plan for my life. Control issues much? (This last might push the character too far into negative territory. She's already pretty negative. Personally, I don't want to read or care about a snotty character.) 

The glass storefront with the Haverstein Academy’s faux-Ivy-League logo looms appears (Feels like looms is too dramatic. Nothing very exciting here to require a verb like looms.) before me. Smile, Emily, only two more years ‘til college and freedom(negative).

A honk and a squeal make me turn me toward the street where a shiny chrome grill and two headlights hop the curb and barrel at me like a charging beast. On instinct, I do a back handspring, like from one of my old floor routines. My hands slam into the rough concrete, the car hurtles past my toes. I push off, still spinning, a blur of black metal in front of me. The car slams into the building in an explosion of glass and noise. The blast and my momentum throw me to the ground, breath whooshing from my lungs. (I'd start a new paragraph here.) What the hell just happened?


I like the action at the end very much. I'm curious as to what happened. However, even though this is a really strong entry, the tone of the character has driven me away. I really don't care how she is afterward, just why the car is on the sidewalk. Almost every line has something negative in it. Personally, that turns me off. The MC comes across as bitter and whiny.

There are ways to rephrase to make it less negative. For example, Keep smiling, Emily, two more years 'til college and getting out on your own. It's longer but it makes her seem less snippy less chafing, and more longing to be independent. Another example: A dog walker and his tangle of assorted breeds impedes my path.

It could be that I deal with whiny preteens who won't take responsibility for themselves all day at work and that has turned me off. But I prefer an MC who owns up to their choices instead of blaming others (mom). Keep in mind this is only my own opinion and is just one viewpoint.

2 comments:

  1. I think you have a good voice going and some great vocabulary and nice images. I especially liked the tangle of mutts and yapping dog, and the faux-Ivy-League logo.

    I would agree with Michelle on the negativity. If you change some of them, I think the character will come across as unhappy without being nasty.

    If feel like the phrase "a blonde speck of determination" is very distant from your MC, the way an omniscient narrator would describe her. I'd like it more if it was closer - or maybe she doesn't describe herself at all. I've seen other people comment that you need to know the character's name/gender/etc in the first 250 words. For first person, I disagree. I don't think people really think about their own names or genders or hair color. Normally, you'd see name/gender on the back copy or query anyway.

    While it's a cool image, it's hard for me to imagine someone doing a back handspring when a car is racing toward them and they might die. The crash does make me wonder what's going to happen next though!

    Good luck!

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    Replies
    1. While I agree that people normally don't think about their own names, genders, or hair colors, I disagree that you 'get it on the back copy'. For YA that's not the reason people complain when they don't get it.

      The YA as a category is strongly character focused, more about who than what. If someone's complaining that by the end of the first page they don't know the gender, it's less about the gender and more about a lack of ability to identify with the character.

      One of the best examples of not having gender, hair color or name on the first page and not missing it is 'Anna and the French Kiss'. You get so much character in the first page you're not wondering whose POV it is.

      Read through the first pages of some of the bestsellers and you'll see the consistent effort is not to establish the story, but establish the main character.

      Now, I agree, Blair doesn't need the hair color detail. She's got enough personality and sense of time/place that as a reader I'm not left wondering what kind of character I'm investing in. That said, I'll also agree if the MC's negativity is not a character arc I'd tone it down so it doesn't turn off those readers who aren't interested in that kind of an MC.

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