Saturday, November 15, 2014

Fall 1st Hop Critique 5

I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

The hop is now closed. Be sure to finish up your critiques. Writers at the beginning and ending of the list should critique each other. If you have a revision, you can ask for feedback on the #Fall1stHop hashtag. 
Query Hop coming in December so stay tuned!
The random number generator picks 32!

Here is the first page without comments:
YA Historical Fiction:
I, Joan Price, was born to treason. ‘Twas at my father’s funeral I realized it. If I did not choose between betraying my country and betraying my conscience, I would betray them both. Just as he had.
Our parish gave my father a Protestant funeral—buried on holy ground but unshriven, without the benefit of a priest or last rites. Rain mingled with my tears as shovelfuls of mud thumped on the coffin. I pulled the hood of my wool cloak lower to hide the depths of my anger and grief. They were a window into my treasonous thoughts, and anyone might be a spy for Queen Elizabeth.
Some of the other mourners owned the implements to give my father a proper Catholic funeral, bring peace to his soul and mine, but they were too frightened to bring the bells and candles from their hiding places. Too frightened to sing or pray. I glared at them from the safety of my hood, but none even glanced at me. White-livered cowards, every one.
And I the greatest coward of all, for I said nothing. The thought of the gallows choked off my protests. Where was my loyalty?
Blessed Mary forgive me.
Songs for the deceased were forbidden, but I was Welsh. I would sooner give up breathing than singing. As they dumped the last muddy earth over my father’s final resting place, I quietly hummed the Requiem Mass and repeated the lyrics in my mind.


And with my crazy comments:
I, Joan Price, was born to treason. ‘Twas at my father’s funeral I realized it. (That's an eye catching opening.)  If I did not choose between betraying my country and betraying my conscience, I would betray them both. (If I think deeply about this, it comes out false, as of course she could do neither. That doesn't make it any less strong.)  Just as he had.
Our parish gave my father a Protestant funeral—buried on holy ground but unshriven, without the benefit of a priest or last rites.(Nice historic details. You could use a colon after 'unshriven' as what comes next is the definition. Wherever you can insert 'namely' it's correct to use a colon.)  Rain mingled with my tears as shovelfuls of mud thumped on the coffin. I pulled the hood of my wool cloak lower to hide the depths of my anger and grief. They were a window into my treasonous thoughts, and anyone might be a spy for Queen Elizabeth. (The first sentence made me think the funeral had already happened, but then I find we are in the middle of it. Maybe a slight reword. Our parish arranged a Protestant funeral for my father--to be buried on ...)
Some of the other mourners owned the implements to give my father a proper Catholic(If this were adult, I'd say to cut 'Catholic' and let the proper type of funeral be implied. It's stronger that way.) funeral, bringing peace to his soul and mine, but they were too frightened to bring retrieve (You've used 'bring.') the bells and candles from their hiding places. Too frightened to sing or pray. I glared at them from the safety of my hood, but none even glanced at me. White-livered cowards, every one. (Nice voice and strong personality by the MC.)
And I the greatest coward of all, for I said nothing. The thought(image?) of the gallows choked off my protests. Where was my loyalty?
Blessed Mary forgive me.
Songs for the deceased were forbidden, but I was Welsh. I would sooner give up breathing than singing. As they dumped the last muddy earth over my father’s final resting place, I quietly hummed the Requiem Mass and repeated the lyrics in my mind.

A really strong piece that appealed to me because of my interest in Elizabethan history. I would ask to see more. 
I also think there is a nice mix of action and exposition. There's enough backstory to ground but not to become too heavy. And all the great details of a historical.
I hope this helps.


7 comments:

  1. I've loved this since the first time I read it, but I would have to agree with your comment on when the funeral occurred. There's something in the first sentence that makes it feel past tense.

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  2. This is great, I love historical fiction! After reading this I definitely would read on. I did stumble a bit on the first sentence. I thought a word such as "commit" was missing or then I thought that maybe the mc was born out of a treasonous situation. By the end of the first paragraph I was thinking it was the former. This might be correct as it, I was even thinking that "born to treason" might be your title? Just wanted to let you know that it made me pause.

    Everything else, I thought was great, I was really drawn into your story, and I l enjoyed the quiet almost formal tone. The last paragraph was one of my favorites.

    Great job!

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    Replies
    1. I loved this when I read it the first time and I love it even more now.

      As for the first line, I wouldn't change a single word.
      The point as I read it (and author please correct me if I'm wrong), is she is Catholic, She wasn't trying to commit treason, she was born to it by her religious beliefs & faith.

      I'm assuming this is set just as Queen Elizabeth takes the Crown, after Mary Tudor (Bloody Mary). During Mary Tudor's very short reign, she burned numerous protestants as heretic's and imprisoned/tortured many more. So when she died & England again fell under a Protestant Queen, Catholics were the "enemy" - so as I read it the MC is not born to commit treason, she is simply born to it by faith -- again Author, if I'm way off, feel free to correct me.

      Either way I'd read this in a heartbeat, it's already better than many books out there :)

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    2. Thanks so much! You've got the gist of it, though it's a little farther into Elizabeth's reign, so the MC has a heritage of treason at this point (her parents had both been "traitors" due to their beliefs, and she's inheriting that legacy). It's really useful knowing which parts people understand and which they don't, though, since it's so tricky knowing just how much information to give readers in a historical setting like this.

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    3. Awesome! so glad the feedback is helpful. I agree it is so hard to know when to dole out hints since you don't want to give too much away, but I always want to know if my readers are going totally off the course I want them to be on.

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  3. Michelle, your comments on these critiques are such a good learning tool. I'm applying some of your suggestions to my writing.

    One question, when you have a mc who starts out prickly/negative, is there a way, without diluting their character, to make them real. Should there be a 'save the cat' moment in the first page? Or just tone it down? Does just one or two hints of negativity do the job?

    Thanks!
    Shari

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  4. Thanks, Michelle and everyone else, for the feedback! <3 I'm going to work on the things that tripped people up--it was so helpful to know where those were. I've been struggling to think of a title, but something with treason in it is a great idea, so thanks for that too, L Evans. :)

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