Sunday, July 7, 2013

Fellow Writer Needs Help #7 Revised

The writer of Summer Query Extravaganza #7 needs your help. There is an agent with a wish list of manuscripts with 20th century historical significance. #7 has been revised, but please help out with suggestions and insight so this writer can send a fabulous query to that agent.


The world of the twentieth century teaches Horace to value his white skin, because a black-skinned person never amounts to anything. Never, that is, until a black piano player named Scott Joplin teaches Horace that his world might just be wrong. I would replace the second 'teaches' with 'shows.'

That meeting prompts a lifelong struggle in which Horace learns to fly—with lessons from a pair of Ohio bicycle shop owners—becomes a professional baseball player, befriends pioneers in the theater world, and encounters a civil rights champion who causes Horace to question everything he once believed was true about the colors of human skin. Aerial victories and tragic losses mark every step of Horace’s journey, but ultimately his life and all his travels will come down to one decision ... THE LAST CHANCE.  Much better. This is now focused on Horace's journey. Perhaps be more specific about the 'tragic losses.'

THE LAST CHANCE is a 106,000-word historical novel that views the twentieth century through the eyes of a racist caught between his opinion and the truth. Bring a box of tissues. It’s called THE LAST CHANCE for a reason. 

THE LAST CHANCE will appeal to fans of Patrick Smith’s A Land Remembered  and Pete Hamill’s Forever: A Novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration
 

13 comments:

  1. Heeding the call for help.

    What I can see is that there's not the classic Protag wants X, and if she doesn't get it: Consequences.

    I can see that with your current query letter, it might be hard to come up with this basic formula, but I think you can probably figure out what the basic plot is and hint at some of it. The reason you want to add this last little bit is to keep it from sounding like a thinly veiled history textbook. So why should we care about Horace? Is this a man's last chance to find the friendship of a lifetime, or is there a love interest who can't handle his racist ways? I know these are almost certainly not what's going on (every story is different and complex), but you might want to add this one last bit about your MC so we know why we should be going on this adventure with him.

    Good luck!

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  2. Hi there,

    Your new query is much improved from the original version! Good job!

    For the first sentence, I might suggest you say "the world of the early 20th century" because as it reads now, it sounds to me like blacks weren't successful during the entire century, which of course wasn't true. Additionally, I'd agree with Rena that we either need a reason to care about Horace or a hint at that One Decision, so we can understand what would entice us to read the work.

    Best of luck!

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  3. In paragraph 2, I would clarify what the lifelong struggle is; right now it seems that his struggle is to learn to fly, but I think you mean his struggle is to transcend racism, or overcome his prejudices during a lifetime in which he learns to fly, etc. Maybe break that sentence into 2 different sentences, so it isn't so long, as well.

    Sounds like a great tale! Good luck!

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  4. I'm not sure if I should add the decision,
    The decision is who to vote for in the 2008 election, should he vote for the Yankee or has he changed enough to vote for the young black candidate. Does he still carry the underlying prejudice bestowed upon him from his father

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    Replies
    1. I think that would make a great sinker sentence. Your last sentence before the genre/word count paragraph.

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  5. ....travels will come down to one decision ... THE LAST CHANCE

    Does he still carry the underlying prejudice bestowed upon him from his father.

    THE LAST CHANCE is a 106,000-word historical novel that views the twentieth century through the eyes of a racist caught between his opinion and the truth. Bring a box of tissues. It’s called THE LAST CHANCE for a reason.

    YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?

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    Replies
    1. You are still just saying 'one decision' but without that decision spelled out, I've no idea it refers to an election.

      ...ultimately his life and all his travels comes down to whether he'll vote for a Yankee or has changed enough to choose the young black candidate.

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  7. The world of the early twentieth century teaches Horace to value his white skin, because a black-skinned person never amounts to anything. Never, that is, until a black piano player named Scott Joplin teaches Horace that his world might just be wrong.
    That meeting prompts a lifelong struggle to make his own choices in life, and not follow his father’s path. Horace learns about flight—with help from a pair of Ohio bicycle shop owners—becomes a professional baseball player, befriends pioneers in the theater world, and encounters a civil rights champion who causes Horace to question everything he once believed was true about the colors of human skin. Aerial victories and tragic loss of loved ones mark every step of Horace’s journey, but ultimately his life and all his travels will come down to one decision. Does he still carry the underlying prejudice bestowed upon him from his father? Does he have the courage to vote for the young black candidate?
    THE LAST CHANCE is a 106,000-word historical novel that views the twentieth century through the eyes of a racist caught between his opinion and the truth. Bring a box of tissues. It’s called THE LAST CHANCE for a reason.
    THE LAST CHANCE will appeal to fans of Patrick Smith’s A Land Remembered and Pete Hamill’s Forever: A Novel.
    Thank you for your time and consideration

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    Replies
    1. I like this! That gives the choice clearly. We've been warned from questions in a query, but I don't feel like these are rhetorical questions.

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    2. This is a good query letter. I like this one and it lays out what the last chance is.

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  8. Great changes! I think you can go with this version. Making the choice specific really helps pull the reader in.

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  9. Thanks to all, I submitted query today.

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