Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Summer Query Extravaganza 18

I hope you'll excuse a little excited self-gibbering today. My book Kindar's Cure has started showing up on Amazon and other sites. I say started because apparently the loading is done in stages. My cover picture and the pricing arrived before the book blurb. Sort of interesting information for the yet to be published.   

You know the drill. Contact me on twitter if you want your query showcased. Comment on the query before and after yours. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear Wonderful All Knowing Agent:
 
23 year old Sophia Hudson isn't expecting anything out of the ordinary to happen during her last year of college. Her life is so humdrum that she finds excitement through celebrity gossip. Honestly she’s just hoping to keep her head low, and squeak by without much effort before collecting her photography degree. But her cynical outlook changes when her bushy afro walks into Dr. Matthew Brooks’ anthropology class. Sophia finds herself strangely drawn to the professor/sometimes poet, and is surprised when eventually he hints that he is interested in her too.

Sophia has longed for a relationship; she’s wanted to be loved, to have someone there to fend off the loneliness, and to fill the gap in her heart where her father’s love should have gone. She is quick to pin her hopes and dreams onto Matthew. But she quickly discoverers there is more to him than pretty words, and the ability to command a classroom. The man she has built up in her head essentially doesn't exist. The real Matthew Brooks is a man of dark secrets, which slowly bleed out and choke her. He’s actually a polygamist, with a violent lust for control, who has been pulling all of Sophia’s strings from the start. Is Sophia strong enough to assert herself as a person, while escaping from Matthew without him destroying her life?

Power of the Podium is NA thriller at 54,000 words.
I look forward to hearing from you,

With crazy comments added:

Dear Wonderful All Knowing Agent:  Inventive but all-knowing should be hyphenated.
 
23 year old (You need hyphens here too. 23-year-old) Sophia Hudson isn't expecting anything out of the ordinary to happen during her last year of college. Her life is so humdrum that she finds excitement through celebrity gossip.(Sharpen. 23-year-old Sophia Hudson is experiencing an ordinary final year of college. The only excitement in her life is celebrity gossip.) Honestly she’s just hoping to keep her head low, and squeak by without much effort before collecting her photography degree. (As as start, I've seen this before many times. MC is Jane Average.) But her cynical outlook changes when her bushy afro (I see you're trying to include her ethnicity but this is an awkward way to describe her. Why not proud afro or well-styled afro or defiant afro. Try using an adjective that could also apply to her personality. Then you get a double whammy.) walks into Dr. Matthew Brooks’ anthropology class. Sophia finds herself strangely drawn to the professor/sometimes poet, and is surprised when eventually he hints that he is interested in her too. (So far nothing about a thriller here. Sue me, I peeked at the genre first.)

Sophia has longed for a relationship; she’s wanted to be loved, to have someone there to fend off the loneliness, and to fill the gap in her heart where her father’s love should have gone.(Does this describe half a freshman class, or is that just me? You'd think a senior would outgrow it. This sentence could be distilled down to Looking for love, she is quick...) She is quick to pin her hopes and dreams onto Matthew. But she quickly discoverers there is more to him than pretty words, and the ability to command a classroom. The man she has built up in her head essentially doesn't exist. (Essentially weakens the sentence. You're saying there are exceptions. Meh, he's not so bad. X O on the wimp out.) The real Matthew Brooks is a man of dark secrets, which slowly bleed out and choke her. (Generic details that don't tell me much, except for the 'secrets.') He’s actually a polygamist, with a violent lust for control, who has been pulling all of Sophia’s strings from the start. Is Sophia strong enough to assert herself as a person, while escaping from Matthew without him destroying her life? Now I'm engaged, but you saved it for the last tiny bit. 

Power of the Podium is NA thriller at 54,000 words. I don't know about NA, but this word count seems low for YA or adult. I figure NA fits inside there somewhere. Of course, I'm used to speculative fiction word counts. Title should be in all caps or in italics.  

Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you, Don't forget the grateful thanks. 

To me it seems like this query takes too long to get to the good stuff. You give us some details about her life and her situation but leave the action and plot to the end. Essentially (sorry, I had to do it), your query has a lot of backstory. You have included her motivation, she wants to be loved. But try to get to it sooner. 

23-year-old Sophia Hudson has spent her whole college career wishing for love. All she has to show for it is a pile of supermarket magazines describing exciting celebrity romance. Then her stately afro walks into Dr. Matthew Brooks' anthropology class.

She's quick to pin her hopes and dreams on this professor/sometimes poet. Secrets. Bad stuff. She must ... or ...

I hope this helps.

6 comments:

  1. I agree. The juicy steak is buried beneath a handful of picked over vegetables.

    Tell us less about why she was quick to fall for the guy, more about what happens after she falls and the choices she has to make to get back up again.

    You should also add a hook that'll grab our attention right away.

    Oh and congrats on Kindar's Cure Michelle!

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  2. I agree with Michelle's comments. I like how she whittled down the first paragraph to a few sentences.

    You can cut almost everything in the second paragraph until the polygamist part. Then give a hint at what happens AFTER they meet rather than spending the query talking about before they meet. (I also hope the book starts when they meet). I want to know why it becomes a thriller. Why doesn't she just dump him when she finds out? Is there a reason she can't walk away? Does her hurt her or trap her somehow? As the query reads it doesn't sound like a thriller. Show us the action :)

    Good luck!

    Meredith :)

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    1. yes the book starts when the two of meet, and I guess I need to work why she can't just walk away from him into the query, She's just not strong enough, and he starts to hurt her soon afterwards.

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  3. Thanks guys for the feedback! I was really scared to submit my query but I have to admit it wasn't so bad everything you guys have had to say is 100% right! :)
    @Meredith yes the book starts when the two of meet, and I guess I need to work why she can't just walk away from him into the query. She's not strong enough, and he starts to hurt her soon afterwards.

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  4. Way to go Quiana- courageously jumping in isn't easy, but 'nothing ventured nothing gained' right?

    I agree with the refinement Michelle and others offered. I'll add (and maybe this is just me being picky!) to write out "Twenty-three-year-old" instead of using the numbers. It looks a bit more purposeful.

    In my writing I find I am guilty of wanting the reader to know the character first, to help them understand why someone would pursue and fall for this lousy prof- and love the mc as I do. While that is important (because character empathy and motivation are crucial) so is the conflict- often readers and agents want that right out of the gate.

    But when we've nurtured and groomed our mc it's hard to toss them right into that emotionally or physically dangerous place, sometimes we love our mc like a child and can't quite get there in our heads/query writing to get to the conflict. But that is a prime function of the query- no? So as brave as you were to submit this, figure out the nugget of the conflict and quickly bring us to the place where the mc is on her knees wondering what the heck am I gonna do? And don't be afraid of leaving her there (at least for the query) YOU know she'll find her way back to safer shores.

    Best wishes and terrific start!

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  5. Aack - just realized I didn't comment on this last month when I thought I had. Sorry for the delay. My initial thoughts:

    "But her cynical outlook changes when her bushy afro walks into Dr. Matthew Brooks’ anthropology class" -- an odd way to indicate something about how she looks. "she and her bushy afro," etc. When I read that I couldn't help thinking of an anthropomorphized afro.

    The juicy secrets are buried at the end of the query. My biggest question is that I didn't see from the query how she was snared in. What was keeping her "stuck" with this person who ends up being a monster (other than her initial attraction and wounded past)? I want to feel her danger, but it's hard for me to feel for Sophie when the first thing that pops into my head was "Why doesn't she just run as fast as she can in the other direction?" If his hold on her is psychological, I want to know why (again, other than misplaced hopes) that hold has teeth.

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