As sent to me:
Dear superstar agent,
Complete at 96,000 words, FIGHT CAMP is a (light) science fiction/dystopian novel for young adults that may appeal to readers of Veronica Roth’s Divergent series and Marie Lu’s Legend series.
Sixteen-year-old peaceful and inquisitive Aran Fenn knows nothing of the world outside the placid walls of her Domain until she goes away to summer camp. She wakes from an ease-filled life into a violent reality of aggressive campers and Ultimate Fight training. As Aran strains to trust her bunkmate, who knocks her out on the first night of camp, and the boy who helps heal her wounds in secret, she finds going home to her family isn’t an option.
Aran learns that the Regime, an obscure militant research group, created the Domains to study whether lives dominated by poverty or privilege creates the strongest army for an impending war. She discovers her green eyes link her to the fiery legend of the Phoenix Born, whom the people of the Domains hope will unite them and bring renewal. This very connection also provides the Regime with a valuable component in creating an undefeatable army.
Angry that she is nothing more than a pawn in the Regime’s game of life and death, Aran escapes camp. The Regime hunts Aran in a high stakes game of survival of the fittest. She doesn’t want to abandon the people who look to her for freedom, but she longs for home- though she’s not sure what that means anymore. It’s in her blood to resist and rise, but her family claims her heart, prompting her to have to choose whether to fight or flee.
Small bio and closing...
With my crazy comments:
Dear superstar agent, Smiles.
Complete at 96,000 words, FIGHT CAMP is a (light) science fiction/dystopian novel for young adults that may appeal to readers of Veronica Roth’s Divergent series and Marie Lu’s Legend series. Hello, fellow dystopian writer! Pleased to meet you. 96K might be on the high side for YA.
Sixteen-year-old peaceful and inquisitive Aran Fenn knows nothing of the world outside the placid walls of her Domain until she goes away to summer camp. I'm on the fence about the two MC adjectives. I think MC adjectives work better outside the first sentence. Makes it look like you can't show. Also summer camp doesn't sound so bad. She wakes from an ease-filled life into a violent reality of aggressive campers and Ultimate Fight training. Is this camp mandatory? Because if it's volunteer, than she asked for it and my sympathy goes down. I think whether she is forced or goes willingly is an important factor. As Aran strains to trust her bunkmate, who knocks her out on the first night of camp, and the boy who helps heal her wounds in secret, she finds going home to her family isn’t an option. This is leaving me with a lot of questions and the inevitable comparison to that famous dystopian. Why is she there? Why do they need to train in this manner? What's behind all this? Why don't they train as teams instead of as opponents?
This is giving me Aran's motivation is to left alone. I'm not sure that is the strongest motivation to make us care for her. I need a reason to like her. A reason to care what happens to her. A person who wants to be left alone usually doesn't inspire that.
Aran learns that the Regime, an obscure militant research group, created the Domains to study whether lives dominated by poverty or privilege creates the strongest army for an impending war. I'm guessing she was on the privilege side. But who is the Regime fighting? The stakes are missing. She discovers her green eyes link her to the fiery legend of the Phoenix Born, whom the people of the Domains hope will unite them and bring renewal. Without being shown the suffering of the Domains, this doesn't affect me as much as it should. Their suffering could be her motivation. Also since green eyes are hard to hide, wouldn't this be obvious since she was born. This very connection also provides the Regime with a valuable component in creating an undefeatable army. Kind of vague. I'm not really sure what this mean and why I should care since I have no idea of their opponent.
Angry that she is nothing more than a pawn in the Regime’s game of life and death, Aran escapes camp. And she didn't know about the goal of the camp from the start? Sorry but she sounds selfish. She runs away? Let other people fight, but leave me alone. The Regime hunts Aran in a high stakes game of survival of the fittest. She doesn’t want to abandon the people who look to her for freedom, but she longs for home- though she’s not sure what that means anymore. It’s in her blood to resist and rise, but her family claims her heart, prompting her to have to choose whether to fight or flee. I'm not sure which fight this refers to. Fight for or against the Regime? And where can she flee? No other place was mentioned. You are giving the reader her choice but not what will happen in either case. She has to flight or flee or blankety blank.
Small bio and closing...
There's nothing wrong with the writing of this query; it just doesn't bring me close to the character. You've got the set-up but not the heart. Aran needs a stronger motivation. It needs to be shown that the situation matters to her so that it can matter to us. Right now the query makes her seem self centered and uncaring, though I'm sure that's not the case.
This is really rough, but it might give you ideas:
23-year-old Aran has helplessly watched the Regime do this to her people for years. Or 23-year-old Aran learns half the population has faced this. Then, despite her inexperience, the Regime sends her to training camp and expects her to fight (with more detail). They need an army to face blank.
Only Aran feels this. Her green eyes link her to the fiery legend of Phoenix Born and the Regime has no intention of letting her go. She's the perfect leader to defeat an undefeatable army.
Only she won't be used as their rally point, until they bring blank into it. Now she has to fight for the Regime or blank will happen.
One thing I noticed while reading is that I don't fully get the story. I get the jist of it, but I'm not sure I understand the full story here. The query seemed kind of busy, like you were throwing a lot of information at me all at once. I'd see if you can pare down some of the information you're giving us. What's important to bring the story across? What does the reader (agent) need to know to hook them into wanting more?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I agree with Michelle that 96k might be on the high side for YA. But from what I've read, your story does sound interesting =)