Title: Patience Fell and the Fair Folk of the Town
Word count: 34,000
Genre: MG Fantasy (Note: this is an MG fantasy. MG added by blog host.)
Query:
When a cursing whirlwind of trash appears in an alley in the Town, the scullery girl Patience Fell is sent out to sweep it up. She thwacks the trash storm with a strong-armed whack from her broom. Instead of garbage, she hits a dirty wee man called an offaltosser, hiding in the mess. She drives the fey creature away and calls it a day – but stranger things than an offaltosser await.
Soon, Patience discovers an army of Fair Folk are invading – gabledancers, cobblemaulers, dwindlefilches, and more odd creatures galore – all led by a treacherous talking fox named Marquis Goupil. The fox plots to use this Chaos Court to bring the whole Town tumbling down. As the only one who can see them, Patience stands in their way. She will show them what a scullery maid can do, armed with bravery and a broom.
First 250 words:
When a cursing whirlwind of trash appeared in the alley behind the Crock and Dice, Miss Alys didn’t think twice. She tossed a broom to the new scullery girl and pushed her to the door.
“Out you go then, Patience Fell,” the cook said. “Sweep that trash and sweep it well.”
Patience stepped out on the stoop, holding the broom across her chest in self-defense. Miss Alys closed the door behind her. The lock clicked to with a little sound, almost drowned out by the curses coming from the storm of trash.
Patience tried a little swipe with the broom at the swirling pieces of garbage. The funnel jumped back from her, so she just missed. It tossed several day-old fish at her, which she nimbly dodged. They struck the door behind her, one, two, three. They stuck there for a second, then slid down, leaving stinky, glistening trails of guts and scales.
Patience wrinkled her nose. She stuck out her chin and took a big swing at the strange whirling thing. Her broom-head connected with a soft melon on an updraft. The fruit flew across the alley and splattered all over the wall of the building next door.
A quivering ball of creamy noodles shot back in return. Patience had to drop flat to the ground to avoid being hit, and even then some noodle-cream splashed down the back of her neck. Seizing the high ground, the whirlwind bore straight down on her, saying the most awful, unrepeatable things.
VERSUS
Entry Nickname: Guerrilla Geek
Title: Ellie and the Arborites
Word count: 40,000
Genre: MG Fantasy
Query:
All twelve-year-old Ellie Emerson wants to do is make some friends. Problem is, that’s kinda hard when the kids at school don’t want a science-geek around, and she’s too shy to come up with a way to change that.
But when Ellie discovers Arborites living in the woods behind her house, she gets her chance. The elf-like beings, born from the seed of a tree, actually need her geek-flag to fly. Trees and Arborites all over the forest are mysteriously becoming sick, and they think Quercus Supreme, leader of the Oak Arborites, is to blame. Rumor has it he’s conducting evil experiments in a secret laboratory to get rid of anyone who’s different. The Arborites must find out what’s going on and come up with a way to stop it, but they can’t do it on their own. If Ellie can find the guts to help them, she might not only save lives, but also learn how to make friends.
First 250 words:Ellie’s favorite tree was lying on the forest floor in a tangled heap. The only branch still covered with the yellow leaves of autumn waved in the breeze like it was signaling for help.
Everything’s fine, Ellie thought. Just don’t look.“Hey Cassie, wanna read some more Gulliver’s Travels?” she asked, patting the old chestnut. “Or I’ve got a new book,Remarkable Trees of the World. There’s like a whole section on ‘Trees in Peril.’ Now they’ve got some major problems.”
Ellie pulled away from the tree and felt around for her backpack, opening one eye just enough to find the zipper. As she reached inside for the books, she noticed dozens of ants crawling up her sleeve.
“Eww,” she yelled, her eyes popping wide. She flicked the ants off and ran her hands up and down her body, straining to look at her backside, just to make sure there weren’t any more. And that’s when she saw the massive army of black ants marching along the fallen trunk. No, no, no, no, no.“Shoo, get off,” she shouted. “Leave her alone!”
Ellie pulled off her sneaker and beat them like she was trying to put out a brush-fire. Squished segmented bodies with wiry legs were scattered everywhere, but it did nothing to scare off the new arrivals. Ellie could almost hear them laughing. I can’t let them do this. They’ll destroy her. Ellie hurled the shoe and snapped a branch off a straggly pine. Holding it with both hands in front of her, she dragged the needles back and forth across the trunk, flinging ants in every direction.
Word count: 40,000
Genre: MG Fantasy
Query:
All twelve-year-old Ellie Emerson wants to do is make some friends. Problem is, that’s kinda hard when the kids at school don’t want a science-geek around, and she’s too shy to come up with a way to change that.
But when Ellie discovers Arborites living in the woods behind her house, she gets her chance. The elf-like beings, born from the seed of a tree, actually need her geek-flag to fly. Trees and Arborites all over the forest are mysteriously becoming sick, and they think Quercus Supreme, leader of the Oak Arborites, is to blame. Rumor has it he’s conducting evil experiments in a secret laboratory to get rid of anyone who’s different. The Arborites must find out what’s going on and come up with a way to stop it, but they can’t do it on their own. If Ellie can find the guts to help them, she might not only save lives, but also learn how to make friends.
First 250 words:Ellie’s favorite tree was lying on the forest floor in a tangled heap. The only branch still covered with the yellow leaves of autumn waved in the breeze like it was signaling for help.
Everything’s fine, Ellie thought. Just don’t look.“Hey Cassie, wanna read some more Gulliver’s Travels?” she asked, patting the old chestnut. “Or I’ve got a new book,Remarkable Trees of the World. There’s like a whole section on ‘Trees in Peril.’ Now they’ve got some major problems.”
Ellie pulled away from the tree and felt around for her backpack, opening one eye just enough to find the zipper. As she reached inside for the books, she noticed dozens of ants crawling up her sleeve.
“Eww,” she yelled, her eyes popping wide. She flicked the ants off and ran her hands up and down her body, straining to look at her backside, just to make sure there weren’t any more. And that’s when she saw the massive army of black ants marching along the fallen trunk. No, no, no, no, no.“Shoo, get off,” she shouted. “Leave her alone!”
Ellie pulled off her sneaker and beat them like she was trying to put out a brush-fire. Squished segmented bodies with wiry legs were scattered everywhere, but it did nothing to scare off the new arrivals. Ellie could almost hear them laughing. I can’t let them do this. They’ll destroy her. Ellie hurled the shoe and snapped a branch off a straggly pine. Holding it with both hands in front of her, she dragged the needles back and forth across the trunk, flinging ants in every direction.
This space reserved for judge feedback and votes.
ReplyDeletePatience Fell: Your title is a bit of a mouthful, I’d try to think up something a bit snappier (I know titles are hard!). Your query isn’t bad, your story sounds original and enticing, but it could do with a bit of polishing. Start with Patience, not the trash, tell us a bit about her (including her age – I presume this is MG though you don’t say?) and a bit about the setting. Then go into the trash and various creatures – love all the names for them, btw – and restructure your second para a bit so that it’s more ‘If Patience doesn’t do X, then This Bad Thing will happen’.
DeleteYour opening page is fun and unusual, but I think I’d like just a little bit of set up before we get to this scene. I’d like to get to know your MC a bit, so I care more about her and her predicament, before weird things start to happen. Then go into this scene, which is mostly fine as it is, but would make more sense if we’d had a bit of build-up and background about Patience and the town. I’d also like to know if things like talking whirlwinds of trash are seen as unusual here, and what Patience and Ms Alys think of it, or think it might be. Is it seen as fairly normal, and just treated as a small annoyance? I can’t quite tell from your page, so I’d flesh this out and clarify more. But overall this page is well-written, original, and entertaining.
Guerrilla Geek: This query is pretty good and explains the plot well, although I wasn’t hooked very much by the first para. Is being a science geek really the only thing keeping her from making friends? Is she outrageously geeky or something? If so, give us a bit more of a flavour of her personality or exploits. And this is very short. You have room to expand a bit more here and to flesh out her world.
This is a nice opening scene, and immediately makes me like your MC, so well done. However I’d prefer a little bit of preamble before it, it’s a bit of a weird scene to be thrown straight into. I’d like to get to know Ellie a bit first, and also just from this scene, I kind of expected her to be able to talk to the tree and for it to be magical, but I don’t think that’s the case. So I’d clarify that, which again, a bit of build-up would help with. I also thought it was a bit odd that she was protecting one tree by snapping a branch off another tree – wouldn’t she care about all the trees equally if that was her thing? I was also a bit confused by the whole closing her eyes thing, and didn’t really understand why she was doing that, since she couldn’t see to do stuff that way.
I thought these were both pretty good, but I found the first one crazier and more original and the writing a bit smoother, so victory to Patience Fell!
Patience Fell: This story sounds like a blast, lots of unique characters and a fun adventure. The only problem is that the first paragraph is a little tough to follow and then the second one is as well. I think you could do without a few of the creature names to simplify this. I'd also love to see what kind of exciting things happen once Patience is deeper into this battle. Also it'd be great to learn a little bit more about Patience and her personality since all I'm getting from her is brave scullery maid. I think you've packed a lot of action into your first 250 which is fun and pulls me into the story right away. My only advice once again, is to see if you can add a little more of Patience's personality to it.
DeleteGuerilla Geek: This is a great query. I found it easy to follow and was interested to get to the first 250. My only advice would be to take a look at the hook. Some others have commented on the vagueness of "science geek" and I agree. What makes them not want to be friends with her--is that ALL she talks about, is it annoying? Give us something else otherwise it can almost be off-putting or may have readers wondering if this is just a stock character. I liked the first 250 as well and wanted to read more to find out what her deal is with all the tree love.
VICTORY TO: GUERILLA GEEK
xoxoSally Draper
PATIENCE FELL
DeleteYour query has great voice, but doesn’t really cover all the bases a query should. While I really liked the prose in the query opening, most of it isn’t needed. You could dwindle it down to a single sentence. After all of the buildup of the query opening few sentences, I’m expecting something amazing or unexpected and instead you sock us with a vague and clichéd “stranger things await”.
In the second paragraph we’re left with more questions. Why did the fox choose the TOWN? What do they want and why would Patience be the one to stop them? Why is she the only one who can see them and if others can’t see them, how does the Town know there’s trouble? Why would she care if they take the town down? What’s in it for her – what does Patience want, why and what bad thing happens if she doesn’t get it? There are no stakes here.
Also, your query would be stronger if you were more specific about how Patience takes them on – she stands in their way how? Does she do clever things or just keep thwacking them with a broom? Does she try to negotiate with the fox?
I loved the opening. It has a great MG voice to it and I wanted to keep reading. I do agree with the previous judge that you should perhaps give us a bit of setup before you sweep us (pun intended) into this scene.
Guerrilla Geek
I think your query starts in the wrong place. That a 12 yr old wants friends is boring and predictable. The meat of your story is about the fantasy, so suck that into your hook so that we want to learn more.
“When 12yr old science geek Ellie went looking for friends, she thought she might find some other social misfits like herself. She didn’t count on ending up with a best friend who’s an elf or being the only person stopping an Arborite civil war” Not that, but you get the idea.
Doing it that way will let you trim down your second paragraph, which is too long. I also think you need a paragraph break after the laboratory sentence. The third paragraph would then be all about stakes. Is Ellie getting involved just about making friends or does her involvement ultimately help save new friends? If the latter, you should say that and up the stakes. Also, I’m not sure why it would take Ellie guts. Is there some subplot about Ellie suspending her science geek belief that these creatures exist?
I agree with Omar above that the opening is great, good voice, well written, but that it throws us into a weird scene without any setup. Maybe consider if there’s a paragraph you can add ahead of it that lays things out a bit and gets us rooting for Ellie.
AHHHH! This was a very difficult matchup to judge. I really liked both of these and think they both have strong potential. I think voice and uniqueness go to PATIENCE but the better developed stakes belong squarely to GUERRILLA GEEK.
Eannie Meanie…no, can’t do that.
Choosing substance and clarity over form and style. Victory to GUERRILLA GEEK
PATIENCE FELL
DeleteQuery is nice and concise, but even with that I feel a lot of telling going on here, much of which is repeated in the first 250. We don't need specific plot in the query, just the set-up for the story, what the drama is that shakes things up, and what the stakes are for the main character. I'd like to see a little more voice here, get a sense of who Patience is.
First 250-Good stuff here, but it's pretty much exactly what's in the query. Remember that the query is to hook the reader (or agent), and the fist 250 is going to tell them whether or not they want to read more. If they are getting the same in both, you aren't pulling them in more. The third person description of the scene is great, but I still don't have a sense of who Patience is other than a scullery girl. Can we see her interact with Ms. Alys, something to give us a sense of her voice? The story idea sounds great! I just want something to connect me to your MC.
GUERILLA GEEK
Love the idea of the shy, smart girl finding her place. And oh the sadness that her only friends are trees, but how cool that they can be REAL friends. Doe this also give potential for her to relate to humans? Is Ellie helping the Arborites all by herself...and what kind of tree being IS an arborite? :)
First 250, agree with Book Boyfriend that you need to vary sentence structure at beginnings of paragraphs. Repetition is noticeable. But I'm hooked on the story and can't wait to see where this goes.
VICTORY GUERILLA GEEK
Patience Fell:
DeleteQuery: I really like this voice in this query but feel like it reads more like an opening than a query letter. The set up for the world building is good (which is really hard to do) but I don't get a sense of who Patience is or what she wants. In the second paragraph, there are a lot of cute fey names but since they don't mean anything to me right now, they kind of get lost. I'd suggest cutting a few. I want to know why this talking Fox choose Patience's town and how Patience plans on stopping them. What happens if she doesn't? What does she stand to lose or hope to gain? Also, I really want to know how old she is. The last two sentences are what really work for me. I love how you upped the stakes by telling us Patience is the only one who can see the fey and the bit about her being armed "with bravery and a broom" made me smile!
First 250: This is so cute! The cadence and rhyme in the first few sentences really hooked me. You also do a great job with the MG voice and the action is described really well. However, like some of the other judges have mentioned, I'd like to see a little more of Patience here. She kind of seems like a doll for the narrator. We are seeing what she does (and vividly by the description) but we have no idea what it means to her. What does she say to Miss Alys when she's swept outside to battle trash? Does she have a smart retort for when the door closes? I just want something small to get to know the girl that would battle so fiercely with a pile of trash.
Guerrilla Geek:
Query: I like how the entire query ties into what I imagine is the theme of the book: Ellie learning how to make friends. I do agree with the others that knowing more about why Ellie can't make friends in the hook will help it sing. How does she feel about not having friends? Is she mad about it, worried about it, saddened by it? I love that she is a science-geek but I'd just like to know a little more about her. I'd also like just a little more description on the Arborites. Are the small or human-sized? Do they live in the trees? I'm having a hard time picturing them which makes the details about Quercus Supreme lost on me. A few carefully placed words would clear this up though! Overall, I get a good sense of the stakes and what the story will be about which is wonderful. This really just needs some polishing.
First 250: I love this opening. It does two things very well: it shows us exactly what type of girl Ellie is and while it is funny, it also has an underlying sad tone. I would suggest adding in where Ellie is. I know she's in a place she goes a lot because this is her favorite tree but is she in the woods behind her house or does her school have a woods and is she there? Again, this only has to be a few words but would help cement the scene for me. I know some of the other judges mentioned that they didn't love being thrown into a such an odd scene but I didn't have a problem with it. I got a great sense of who Ellie was and her actions made me smile. It's very well written and I would totally read on to find out what happens!
I think both of these entries are well written and capture the MG voice. Both made me smile too. But because the query set up stakes better, I'm giving VICTORY TO: GUERRILLA GEEK.
PATIENCE FELL AND THE FAIR FOLK OF THE TOWN
DeleteLove the voice in this query, even if I did have to reread it to get what was going on. The concept is simple, yet intriguing.
ELLIE AND THE ARBORITES
I like the premise, though I'd like more details in the query -- what kind of science does Ellie like? Has she really been friendless for all her twelve years?
Victory to Patience Fell
PATIENCE FELL
DeleteQuery: First off, great concept and I adore your main character's name. You have a lot of fun and quirk going on here, but the query isn't doing your story justice. It's too short and lacks details and voice. Also, we have no idea what is at stake for Patience.
250: Your first sentence is basically a rehash of the first paragraph of your query. Also, the rhyming totally threw me. My first thought was that the entire novel was going to be in rhyme (which, if I'm being honest, scared me). There's no problem with a bit of rhyming, but I guess I'm not sure what the purpose is here and it took my brain a minute to adjust. I'd like to feel more of how Patience feels about what is happening to her. Is this whirlwind of trash a common occurrence or...? How does she feel about wet noodle sludge being flung at her neck? Is this taking place in a magical world? That being said, I did enjoy the action and your writing pulled me in. I'd keep reading.
GUERRILLA GEEK
Query: Super fun premise and way to add some voice to your query. It is short, so you have some room to play around with adding more to it. I'm unsure about what your setting is. Is she living in a fantasy world different from our own? A few simple details could really flesh this out.
250: Great opening. You really pull us right into Ellie's character. Again, I'm unsure of the setting. I know it's fantasy and am not getting that feel at all. To be fair, I have no idea what happens in the next pages, so I could easily eat those words. I'd keep reading for sure.
Both promising and unique stories, but VICTORY to GUERRILLA GEEK.
Patience Fell versus Guerrilla Geek:
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a fun read. The query is precise and gets to the point. But listing the names of the creatures throughout pulls me out of it a little. Maybe if they're Fae creatures, just say Fae creatures instead of listing them all individually. There's a lot of excellent description in the first 250. Reading it, I felt as though I was right there with her. But to me, it might be a little too much focus on the stuff flying around her, rather than Patience herself.
Guerrilla Geek:
Love this premise, query is very well written. I'd explain in short what an Arborite is somewhere in there. I still don't know and now I'll have to Google it. My concern in the 250 is that three out of the five paragraphs start with the girl's name. I'd definitely switch that up a bit.
Victory to: Guerrilla Geek
Patience Fell
ReplyDeleteThe main pieces are here: the main character, the setting, antagonist(s), the stakes. So I think it’s off to a good start. Really enjoyed the description of the trash whirlwind.
In the query, there are a number of unique terms (e.g., gabledancers, cobblemaulers, dwindlefilches) that I don’t think are necessary and might even prove distracting. I’d suggest cropping it back to just “Fair Folk” and leaving it at that. I was also left wondering “why” they’re attacking the town. In the 250, my main question is POV. In the first sentence it would seem that we’re in Miss Alys’s POV, but for the rest I would have said Patience’s POV. Even if the narrative POV jumps around throughout, I think there’s probably something to be said for sticking to one POV the first couple of pages until the reader gets settled.
Guerrilla Geek
I like the image of Ellie fighting off an army of invading ants in order to protect her tree. It shows us a lot about her character in a very short space. Nicely done.
Two things that stuck out for me: 1) science-geeks are rather IN nowadays, so the fundamental reason for her loneliness feels somewhat antiquated; 2) the opening line of the 250 gave me the impression that her favorite tree had just fallen over. It took me a few more sentences to realize that this was its regular state of being, so then I had to backtrack and reread.
Good luck to both entries!
PATIENCE FELL:
ReplyDeleteI don't mind the unique terms in your query--makes it stand out, and with a bunch of fae books out there, the names make this one sound different and fun. My stumbling block was I don't know anything about Patience, including her age, and whether this is an unusual occurrence (finding an offaltosser). You say only she can see them--is that all fairy creatures or just the ones you name? I think, overall, I just had a hard time figuring out the world and her role in it before she goes fighting. And, I agree with the above poster that I'd like to know what the fox wants with the town, as "tumbling down" is vague.
As for the first 250, just the same problem as above. You describe a cursing whirlwind of garbage and that Patience uses the broom in self defense, so then I am thinking we ARE in a different world, which causes me to pause because in the query you said Patience is the only one who can see the fairy folk. I think, overall, the world needs to be clarified a bit.
GUERILLA GEEK:
I agree that you should probably define Arborite somewhere. Also, I'm not sure I see the connection between how helping trees will lead to new friends that aren't trees, of course ;-) I like the 250, but if she's named the tree Cassie, would she really go about smacking it so hard, even to get rid of ants? It's like she's hitting her friend. Even some exposition, like her saying, "Sorry Cassie, but I gotta do this," might work there. It's just we go from her reading to her trees, caring for her trees, to hitting them . . . even if it's for a good reason.
Now, that being said, I definitely like the premise of both entries and would read both books. Good luck!
PATIENCE FELL:
ReplyDeleteI got tripped up immediately with the 37k words, because the genre only says fantasy. It should probably say "MG" so people know what to expect (Or it's way too short). The fact that you didn't give the MC's age in the query only exacerbates the problem. I have no idea what I'm getting into when I turn to the first 250. I also think naming all of the fantasy creatures is too much. There's no need to mention anything that isn't an essential part of the main plot. Why is Patience the only one who can see these people? And what are the stakes? This query seems a bit short, so I think there's room to put in the information that'll make us dying to read more. The concept is interesting, so don't sell it short in the query.
The voice in the first 250 doesn't seem like a young girl, which just makes things more confusing for me. I don't really know what age group this belongs in, and that's a problem. I do like the descriptions, but some of the language seems older than what the word count led me to expect.
GUERILLA GEEK:
What's an Arborite? I absolutely identify with a young girl who needs to make friends, but I get stuck on wondering how Aroborites can possibly play into that. Why do the Arborites need help? Why is a 12-year-old girl the only one who can help them? A little more detail might help flesh the query out.
I don't understand why Ellie is so concerned with ants crawling on a fallen tree. I also thought the first paragraph made it sound like it just fell. If so, I'd think she'd be more upset that it toppled than about the ants. And if not, then I'm back to wondering why the ants matter. The problem there is that now you've got me asking myself questions and thinking about googling "Ants damage to fallen trees?" when I should be enjoying the world you're building.
I enjoyed both of these!
ReplyDeletePatience Fell: I thought a whirlwind of trash was an intriguing way to start. I liked the things I learned about Patience's world, but in both your query and your 250, I wanted to know more about Patience herself. I don't feel like I have a clear sense of her character. In the query, I'd like to hear more about how and why Patience is the only one who can see the magical creatures around her. In the 250, I'm curious about her thoughts and emotions as the trash storm is going on. She seems quite stoic and matter-of-fact about it--is that because whirlwinds of trash are a normal thing in her world, or is that part of her personality?
Guerilla Geek: I like that the 250 begins with Ellie trying to save her tree, because that gives me insight into her character and makes her sympathetic. Her emotional reactions seem a bit backward, though. I was confused about why she freaked out so much about the ants when moments earlier, she'd been mostly OK with the fact that her favorite tree was toppled over on the ground. Has the tree been lying there for a while, and had Ellie seen it that way before? It might make for a stronger opening if you can show Ellie discovering for the first time that her tree has fallen over.
Good luck to you both!
Miriam Vos Perez
Patience Fell
ReplyDeleteFirst, a concern you’ve heard before—your story seems really short.
That said, if I could vote, I’d vote for your entry. I love your query’s last line, “She will show them what a scullery maid can do with bravery and a broom.” That says volumes about your heroine and as a reader I love intrepid, spunky main characters. I also like the light and somewhat humorous tone of your beginning. Also as a fan of fantasy and fairy magic stories I enjoy figuring out what a “cursing whirlwind of trash,” might be. Unfortunately, think I've spotted this phenomenon more than once in my teenager’s room. The combat with the garbage is funny, too. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Guerrilla Geek
Based on your query, I think I’d like your story. It’s kind of an ugly duckling tale—a geeky nature-smart kid, who spends far too much time alone with her books and her forest, finds some sort of nature spirits/fairies and then witnesses trees dying. She uses the thing that makes her different—her brain--to save the fairies and the forest she loves. How awesome is that! Great concept.
But I found the first 250 words a little hard to understand and, you know, it might be just me. I had to read it again and I still wasn't sure. You did an awesome job describing the one branch with leaves waving for help. Consider having Ellie examine the tree closely so that the reader can see exactly what happened. Did the ants destroy the tree? If so, consider bringing up the ants earlier in the piece. Have them crawling up the trunk or carrying bits of leaf away or something.
I was a little confused when Ellie started talking to Cassie as well. I thought that she had a human friend with her and then later I assumed she was talking about the tree. Perhaps, you can show that Ellie loves this tree by remembering a time when she watered/planted/decorated it instead.
Also think about whether you need the filter words of she thought. If we, as readers, are in Ellie’s head, we know we’re hearing her thoughts.
Anyway, these are my suggestions, use what works. I think you've got a great concept for a story and it’s tale I’d enjoy reading.
Patience Fell
ReplyDeleteIn your query, the first paragraph reads a little more like the summary of a scene rather than a hook or the introduction of a character. Who is Patience? (Also, as the others said, make sure we know her age.) I want to know this first. the second paragraph is fine to me and addresses her goal and the conflict. I love the "bravery and a broom" at the ending. I like the 250, I like the action, the smacking melons and such, I wasn't completely certain whether or not this was a normal occurrence? Are they plagued by mini garbage tornadoes? If I hadn't read the query first, I might have thought this story was about Miss Alys at first. Maybe think about that first sentence to avoid confusion. Other than that, I liked it. Definitely intrigued.
Guerrilla Geek
You had me at science-geek girl. :) Can you be a little more specific about that though? Does she like mixing chemicals and making fart bombs in her basement? Or does she know the latin names of every fish and spider? Or is she a little forensic prodigy? Lots of range with science-geek, so it would be nice to see where she falls. Other than that I loved the query. Ah, I get a better sense of her in the first 250. And as a mom of a budding naturalist, I'm familiar with carpenter ants. I'm assuming this will be one of the sick trees mentioned in the query. I like that she wants to read to it. I really don't have anything to add about the first page.
Two interesting fantasies! Good luck to you both!
Hello to both of you! :)
ReplyDeletePatience Fell: This, strangely, reminded me of an episode of "Supernatural" I caught up on this weekend, lol. I think it's a really fun premise! Regarding the query – the opening para seemed more storytelling than query-like to me. I noticed the first line of your first 250 was almost exactly the same line as the 1st in your query. I might consider revising that. And the query was maybe a little sparse. How old is she, by the way? I think you definitely need to include that. Why is she the only one who can see the Fey? What does she stand to lose if she doesn’t stop them? What’s her personal investment in the town? I did enjoy the language in the first 250 ~ it had a very “classic” feel to it. And her battle with the garbage tornado was a lot of fun! Good start ~ best of luck with this!
Guerilla Geek: Ah, poor Ellie… The one thing I always found myself wanting for my daughter while she was growing up was that she’d have a good group of friends, or at least one awesome best-friend. So, I sympathize with Ellie. However, I agree with others – is just being a science geek reason enough? Is there something quirky (like talking to trees) that she gets caught doing and is labelled “weirdo tree-talker” or something like that, that you could add? But – I like that she has a purpose with the Arborites which may help her gain the friends she so desperately wants. I liked the 250, too. Seemed very age appropriate. The only thing that stuck out to me is that, for a girl who loves trees, I didn’t understand why she’d throw her shoe at a pine to break off its limb to help another fallen tree with ant problems?? Cute story – best of luck with it!
Patience Fell: I love this premise, so original. The start is great fun with the garbage fight. I would have like to have seen her age mentioned right away. I can't ground myself in the story until I know if I'm seeing a seven year old or a seventeen year old. Wonderful writing style, I ver much enjoyed your entry!
ReplyDeleteGuerilla Geek - I will join the chorus, asking why is being a science geek causing her to be friendless? I almost get the sense that this is by her own choice? That she prefers the company of the forest, and does not relate well to other kids her age? I love your premise, very fresh and your writing is wonderful.
Good luck to you both!
PATIENCE FELL
ReplyDeleteQuery:
This starts off nice, right away I can see your MC. Your second paragraph is where it muddles. The long list of creatures is fun, but not for a query. It takes up valuable word space and now I have no idea what your plat is. Sure your MC battles them somehow, but it’s that somehow I want to know about. I would read this if I knew what I was getting myself into.
First 250:
I like your first line here better than in the query. For MG I think I would like your scene better if the creatures within the whirlwind of trash spoke to your MC. More dialogue, more white space, faster action. Happy children.
GUERRILLA GEEK
Query:
Your shy science geek girl is a problem since they are taking over schools. If she is shyer than most, then show it in the query. I’d like to know who is starting the rumors. Humans? A sect of the Arborites? Be clear. It’s also unclear how she will learn how to make friends by solving their problem.
First 250:
A girl who talks to trees, I so want to read this story. I like the scene and your voice, I just wish I could see the tree you are trying to paint for us. After I read this, I had to go back up and check to make sure the tree was lying on the ground. How are the ants marching up it? Nice first page.
Best of luck to both of you.
Thank you all for such thoughtful critiques. You have given me some great ways to strengthen my query and 250. I can't tell you how grateful I am for this opportunity to strengthen my writing.
ReplyDeleteGuerrilla Geek
Seconding the above!
ReplyDeletePatience Fell