Monday, November 10, 2014

Fall First Hop Critique 1

I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

Here is the first page without comments:


Adult Paranormal Mystery

Celina’s grin widened after the flash of lightning illuminated through the night sky. The thunder that followed made the window she held onto vibrate. The sound of the rain pounded against the windows in the kitchen as she continued to look out into the storm. Her husband, Thomas, moved toward her and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“You shouldn’t stand so close to the window,” he said with a gentle tone.

“Did you feel the house shake?”

“Another reason not to be so close to glass then.” He leaned his mouth in the nape of her neck and kissed her gently.

“Yes, boss.”

He chuckled and let her go. Celina moved into the living room just as another lightning flashed outside, and made the large room look infested with shadowy monsters. She went to the television and turned it on. As she sat on the couch, she pressed the rubbery buttons on the remote, surfing across the channels. She let her thumb hang in midair when she found an old black and white horror movie, and set the remote next to her.

“What's playing?” Thomas called out from the kitchen.

“Something as fun as what’s going on outside.” She grinned - she really did love horror movies.

He came into the living room and looked from the television to Celina; his blue eyes always such a vivid color. Celina's own eyes - gray - were pale, and she often joked that nature had forgotten to color in her irises.



And with my crazy comments:

Adult Paranormal Mystery

Celina’s grin widened after with the flash of lightning illuminatinged through the night sky. Reads a little awkward. And 'through' is an unneeded word.  The thunder that followed vibratedmade the window she held. onto vibrate. Vibrate is a more interesting verb than 'made.' The sound of the Rain pounded against the windows in the kitchen as she continued to look out into at the storm. Her husband, Thomas, moved toward her and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“You shouldn’t stand so close to the window,” he her husband said with a gentle toneI think wrapping her in a hug implies gentle.

“Did you feel the house shake?”

“Another reason not to be so close to glass then.” Keep your dialogue spare. People chop off words when they speak. He leaned his mouth in to the nape of(I might cut 'nape of')  her neck and kissed her gently.

“Yes, boss.”

He chuckled and let her go. Celina moved into the living room just Really be aware that just is a useless word in most cases. as another lightning strike flashed Feels like a word is missing. outside, and made infused the large Not an important adjective. room look infested with shadowy monsters. She went to the television and turned it on. Too much did this then did that. I think they will assume she turned it on. As She sat on the couch, she pressinged the rubbery buttons on the remote, surfing across the channels. She let her thumb hang in midair when she found (filtering) at an old black and white horror movie, and set the remote next to her.

“What's playing?” Thomas called out from the kitchen. Another unneeded word.

“Something as fun as what’s going on outside (change 'as what's going on outside' to the weather?) .” She grinned - she really did love horror movies.

He came into the living room and looked from the television to Celina; his blue eyes always such a vivid color. Celina's own eyes - gray - were pale, Celena's own eyes were so pale grayand she often joked that nature had forgotten to color in her irises.  I don't think we need to know this yet. It  doesn't really raise the stakes or make the page end on something curious or exciting. I'd push this down a little in your chapter. You want to end with a bang (literally in this case as the story is paranormal :-) 


I like the storm, and it's great that not much description is wasted on it, but it's painted vividly. I like the unhurried pace. I like the little detail that she loves horror movies and the word 'boss.' But it's a little dull if intended to catch an eye in a contest. 

All that is here is an everyday scene of life. There's nothing to raise curiosity, except maybe the color of her eyes. There's nothing to make us want to know what happens next. A couple is watching TV late at night. Could there be a noise? Something to raise a bigger question about their personalities? Something to raise suspicion? Otherwise it doesn't really stand out.

I hope this helps!  

5 comments:

  1. I'm in the school of thought that the first 250 words can be a regular day. Here the relationship between husband and wife is established, and that's enough for me. What keeps me reading isn't the content, it's whether the writer can string words together effectively. This sample does not have efficiency of language. There are weak verbs and entire clauses that could be cut. When I see writing like this, weighed down with deadwood, it doesn't matter what the content is, I'm not going to keep reading.
    However, before I destroy any souls or crush any dreams, this looks like an early draft of even an established writer. Once all the filtering and unnecessary words are cut, once the clunky "made [object] [passive verb or adjective]" constructions are rewritten, readers will keep reading for a few more pages before something needs to happen. That said, introduce stakes or conflict or goals early on.

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  2. The writer has a great sense of the characters and their relationship, and I can entirely understand why they wrote this scene to start their story.

    I don't think, however, that this is the right place to start the story. There's a lot of pieces I put in the early drafts that have to be yanked out because it's me signposting for myself, or me exploring the characters in a way the reader doesn't need. This feels a lot like where I'd start writing, but am quickly learning is not where the story itself ought to start.

    Not having read the rest of the book, I can't say where this tale should start, so I won't be as much help as I wish I could be.

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  3. This was interesting. Many critiques for this piece found nothing particularly wrong, but you've definitely helped with flow! You're experienced, you know what we need, and you're willing to help. I completely agree with your critique.

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  4. I just read this on your blog before realizing that it was Michelle's critique of the day...
    :)
    So this comment is just to say, check your blog! Not sure I can add to Michelle's comments since I agree with them but I did have one other thought which is posted there.
    Good Luck!!!

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  5. Thank you for the critique, Michelle - it is extremely appreciated!

    And to everyone else who have commented here or/and on my blog - thank you as well - this is all very helpful! :)

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