Wednesday, June 15, 2016

QK Round 2: Ice Cream Rebel Rousers vs. The Order of Black

Title: Mischief, Mysteries, and Milkshakes
Entry Nickname: Ice Cream Rebel Rousers
Word Count: 45,000
Genre: Middle Grade Mystery Humor

Query:

Eleven-year-old Gabe and his younger sister Lily are dreading summer vacation. They’d rather do anything than spend eight weeks with Aunt Helene in her creepy old house. No Wi-Fi, no cable, a grandfather clock called The Howler that randomly shrieks, and plenty of rules, the strictest of which is to stay away from the antiquesespecially the old writing desk in the library. It belonged to their Great Uncle Patrick and, well, some secrets should never see the light of day. 

When Aunt Helene goes out for her weekly tea, where she wears white gloves and eats tiny sandwiches stuffed with pink goo, Gabe and Lily decide that some rules are made to be broken. Finding the key, they sneak into the writing desk and discover a journal written by Patrick when he was young. The journal contains secrets about hidden rooms and tunnels throughout the house where a once-cursed treasure is allegedly buried. 

Determined to learn more, Gabe and Lily enlist the help of their new friend, ten-year-old Harper, a self-proclaimed milkshake addict. Faced with riddles to solve, creepy noises that most certainly couldn’t be voices from the past, and a realization that their aunt may also be on the hunt to keep the treasure all to herself, the three children set out to unravel the mysteries of the house, in hopes of being the first to get to the hidden treasure before summer ends.

First 250 Words:

The rules for Aunt Helene’s house were clear: Nothing slimy, loud, or messy, keep all rooms neat, ask before doing anything, and no fighting with your sister.

Keeping the rules wouldn’t be impossible; they would just be annoying.  As far as summers went, this one was officially going down in the books as the worst in my eleven-year history, and it hadn’t even started yet.

“Are we here?” my younger sister Lily quietly asked, clutching her doll close to her body with white knuckles as I peered out the window.

Dad had pulled the car over, but there was no sign we were getting out. Lily stared at me with wide eyes, waiting for some kind of confirmation. But how would I know if this was Aunt Helene’s house? I’d never been here before either. In fact, up until a few weeks ago, I didn’t even know we had an Aunt Helene.

“Hey, Lil,” I whispered across the back seat of the car.

“Yeah?”

“I heard Aunt Helene keeps pet rats in her basement.”

“Gabe!” Mom twisted around from the front while Dad looked at us in his rear view mirror with a smirk on his face. “Don’t tell your sister tales like that. You know she scares easily. Lily, honey, he’s just kidding. Aunt Helene is … lovely.”  

“But Grandma said—” I started.

“Grandma is the reason you and your sister are going to Aunt Helene’s for the summer. Try to understand. Please?”


VERSUS


Title: The Order of Black Hollow Lane
Entry Nickname: The Order of Black
Word Count: 57,000
Genre: MG Mystery

Query:

Ginny’s mom is a world-renowned parenting expert with no parenting skills of her own. She doesn’t even give Ginny any warning before shipping her off to a boarding school right before her thirteenth birthday. If only Ginny’s dad was around to look after her, but he disappeared when she was three. She figures she’s heard the last of him.

Then the box arrives. It’s crammed with ornate medallions. There’s no return address, just a note that says, ‘These belonged to your father.’ Ginny thinks it’s just an old heirloom until she sees symbols from the box in an unexpected place: her new boarding school. She starts investigating and finds out her dad was a member of a mysterious student society: The Order of Black Hollow Lane.

At first it seems like nothing more than an old boys’ club, but then Ginny finds evidence that they had something to do with her dad’s disappearance. She’s desperate to learn more about what happened to him, but The Order won’t give up its secrets without a fight. Now Ginny has to decide if finding out what happened to her dad is worth the risk…even if it means risking her life.

First 250 Words:

There are certain things a mother doesn't really need to know. Trivial things, like whether or not you clipped your toe nails this morning, or that you stepped in something sticky at the park. But the box in Ginny's nightstand was not one of those things. Ginny knew it wasn't. And that's why her fingers twitched every time her mother came into her room.

"Are you ready, dear?" her mom asked as she opened the door. "The press will be here in a few—“ She put her hand to her chest and gasped.

Ginny held her breath. She had put the box away, right? If her mom saw it, if she found out....

Suddenly her mother's eyes filled with tears.

"Oh Ginny," she said with a smile, "that dress...you look just...just beautiful."

Ginny breathed out and picked at the crunchy taffeta on the front of her dress. She had to put the box out of her mind. She needed to focus today.

 “Don’t you just love these little pink polka dots?” her mom asked as she brushed Ginny’s hands away from the dress. “They’re all hand-sewn, that’s why they pop out so much!”

It looked like the dress had come down with the measles. The sleeves puffed out like pink toadstools, which would come in handy if Ginny ever needed a place to hide a cat.

17 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Ice Cream Rebel: Your query is full of voice and easy to follow; great job! However, the stakes of 'finding hidden treasure before the end of the summer' feel light and benign to me. You could really increase the tension in this query by reworking your stakes. Is there a choice your MCs have to make? What do they stand to lose besides an opportunity to find hidden treasure? You mention a curse...does that factor into the plot at all? Maybe you can add that to the stakes.

      Your first 250 are really fun! This sounded like a spot on MG voice to me and I enjoyed the sibling banter!

      Order of Black: This query is almost perfect; the plot is streamlined, there's tension, and I love the voice. My one nitpick is that you have the word 'risk' twice in the final sentence. I wonder if you could reword to something like, "Ginny must decide whether learning what happened to the dad she hardly knew is worth risking her life." Of course, that example's not perfect, but hopefully you get the gist!

      I really wanted to keep reading when I reached the end of your first 250, mostly thanks to your excellent MG voice!

      I know I said this on my latest post, but this matchup was even harder to judge than the last!! These are both wonderful. I can't find much wrong with either one, and both first pages rocked, so I have to make this decision completely subjective.

      Victory to...THE ORDER OF BLACK!

      Delete
    2. Part 1 of 2

      ICE CREAM REBEL ROUSERS:
      In the query, there is a lot of great voice and quirky characterization going on which is great, but I do think it makes the query too long. I think some details, while cutesy or voicey, should be considered being cut such as: “where she wears white gloves and eats tiny sandwiches stuffed with pink goo,” and “ten-year-old Harper, a self-proclaimed milkshake addict,” and “creepy noises that most certainly couldn’t be voices from the past.” I wouldn’t include the info about Harper. I’d just say that they enlisted the help of ‘a friend.’ Stay focused on the main characters. Also, the query makes it sound like the whole story happens in this one house. I’m honestly not sure I’m sold on reading a whole book set in one house. If the setting is bigger than that (even magically speaking) try to make that clear since, ‘creepy old house’ is all I have to go on. Is it a mansion? A house with tunnels that lead somewhere? Where? Overall, it sounds fascinating and fun, but I’d try to cut it down in places which will allow you room to expand in others (setting). Good luck!
      The writing, in my opinion, needs some work. Consider the first sentence: “The rules for Aunt Helene’s house were clear: Nothing slimy, loud, or messy, keep all rooms neat, ask before doing anything, and no fighting with your sister.” First, I was disappointed because all of the voice and heart in the query seemed to have disappeared with this sentence which comes across as a dry info dump. I would consider ways to reword such as, ‘Aunt Helene’s house rules were clear.’ OR just ‘Aunt Helen’s House Rules’ (And then put the rules into a list form…kids love that. Plus, it adds a bunch of white space on the page!) And then the next sentence lets all the air out of the balloon, so to speak. “Keeping the rules wouldn’t be impossible; they would just be annoying.” This takes away any tension that there might have been after reading the rules. I want to know that there’s a problem to solve right from the get-go. But when it says, ‘Keeping the rules wouldn’t be impossible’ it lets the reader know that there isn’t a big problem. And if there isn’t a big problem or tension, why will the reader want to read on? You also have some misplaced modifiers. For example, in “in my eleven-year history, and it hadn’t even started yet.” ‘It’ refers back to ‘history’ but you are intending ‘it’ to refer back to ‘summer.’ Consider if you are starting the story in the right place. Books often start in a car whether it’s at the beginning or end of a car ride. Does this story have to start here? I really like the concept of the book and can see this going in a lot of great directions with a lot of spooky fun!

      see part 2 below...

      Delete
    3. Part 2 of 2

      THE ORDER OF BLACK:
      The query is really well done for the most part. I do have a bit of a problem with the first line: “Ginny’s mom is a world-renowned parenting expert with no parenting skills of her own.” This line makes it sound like Ginny’s mom is the mc. Also, I found there to be a discrepancy of her mom having no parenting skills and then later, in the writing sample, sounding like she’s a kind, caring (if not over-bearing) mother checking in on her daughter which clearly shows parenting skills. Consider rewriting/refining your opening line. The other issue I have is at the very end of the query. I feel like the ‘risking her life’ comes out of the blue. Can you give at least a hint of the danger to come, earlier in the query? I’m doubtful that she’s really going to have to risk her life from what you’ve told us in the query.

      As for the writing, I love the tension of the opening scene and that you didn’t info dump on the reader. Bravo! The first line really tripped me up though, because I didn’t know whose perspective you were writing from, and it is in present tense as opposed to past tense for the rest of the writing. As it is written, it sounds like you’re writing from the mother’s perspective…and again, it made me wonder if the mc was going to be the mother. And then, when the second sentence slipped into 2nd person, it was even more confusing. When I read the third sentence, I finally realized what you were doing and I love it, but I had to go back and reread which isn’t a good thing when you’re thinking about agents who will only give you 10-20 seconds to hook them. I think you could reword the opening sentence to avoid confusion: “There were certain things Ginny’s mother didn't really need to know.” And then put the second sentence in 3rd person. That will help smooth out the beginning and get the reader to the rest of your wonderful story! I love the last line…the measles, the toadstools and hiding places for a cat. Great, funny, quirky! Love it.

      VICTORY:
      THE ORDER OF BLACk

      Delete
    4. Ice Cream Rebel

      Query:

      I love the unique things about this query: the secret desk, the milkshake addict friend. What held me back from loving it is this feels like a premise I've seen before. I need to know what makes this MG adventure different than others out there like Jessica Lawson's NOOKS and CRANNIES. What I would suggest is that instead of leading with the "boring summer vacation" aspect, you incorporate the mystery of the desk and then build in your backstory as you go. One other thing I think is missing from this query is a true sense of conflict. What are Gabe, Lily, and Harper risking by "breaking the rules" and searching for the treasure?

      First 250:

      My suggestion would be to open with your line, "As far as summers went, this one was officially going down in the books as the worst in my eleven-year history" and then go into the Aunt's rules. By starting here, you immediately set the tone for your story.

      Order of Black

      Query:

      I'm always a fan of books with mysterious secret societies, but you bury this aspect way too far down in your query. Do we really need to know all about her parents or does it serve the story better to start with Ginny at the boarding school and then work in a few details about her parents into the lower part of the query? The key to making this query sing is to build up the tension about the box and its connection to the school, while sprinkling in conflict about why it's dangerous for Ginny to investigate their connection.

      First 250:

      You start with great voice, but I'm still concerned that your story is not starting in the right place. As a reader, I'd like to see the moment the box arrives. Watch Ginny react to its contents and get a sense of why this drives the story forward.

      Delete
    5. Sorry, forgot to add this...

      Victory to ORDER OF BLACK

      Delete
    6. Oh, wow! This is a tough matchup!

      ICE CREAM REBEL ROUSERS:

      You already got my feedback in the first round, but as far as revisions, I LOVE that you introduce the idea of the aunt wanting the treasure for herself... I am doubly intrigued!

      First 250... I actually agree with Bagheera below that you may be doing a bit too much in the way of showing body language. Things like: "clutching her doll close to her body with white knuckles as I peered out the window." That feels a bit overdone? Your word count is fairly good overall, and I'd have to read further to see what could be fleshed out to balance this out, but you could probably just go with "clutching her doll" there, for example, and move forward?

      ***

      ORDER OF BLACK:

      The first line of your query is AMAZING. Seriously. Possibly the best first line I have read in this contest so far? There are few awkward points after that, though. This sentence feels oddly punctuated: "If only Ginny’s dad was around to look after her, but he disappeared when she was three." I'd probably use ellipses instead of the comma? (I think you're probably a British author, though, and I'm American, so forgive me if it's just a difference in style conventions.)

      You may also want to clarify what an old boys' club is if you want to query American agents. I'm not 100% sure I understand, either. Old boys are alumnae, right? But if it's a club for people who have GRADUATED the school, how is a 13 year old girl who has just transferred there going to become a member? I'm a bit confused?

      The first 250 are lovely as far as voice and character go, but I wonder if you couldn't introduce a little more conflict in your opening? The only real dilemma here seems to be the awful dress... and that doesn't QUITE seem worthy of a whole novel? ;)

      ***

      Both amazing voices and concepts, but I'm going to go with...

      Victory to ICE CREAM REBEL ROUSERS!

      Delete
    7. Ice Cream Rebel Rousers

      Great opening line for the query. It immediately begs the question: Why could a kid dread summer vacation? Well-chosen details set the stage for going to Aunt Helen’s house. Since so many names are introduced in the query (Gabe, Lily, Aunt Helen, Great Uncle Patrick, Harper, The Howler), perhaps trim Great Uncle Patrick to ‘their great uncle’ in the 1st and 2nd paragraphs? The ultra-long 3rd sentence in the first paragraph works, but I don’t think repeating that sentence style works in paragraph 2. Suggest trimming out ‘where she wears white gloves…pink goo.’ To make the sentence more wieldy. This is a fun set-up – putting curious kids inside a mystery-filled house.

      Wonderful opening line for the first 250. I share Gabe’s dread. The dialogue does a good job giving us the story line and also showing us Gabe’s big brotherly impulse to impishness. Other than expecting this to be the worst summer ever, I would’ve liked some sense of how Gabe feels in the moment – as he’s looking out the car window, looking at his sister, or talking to his parents. Is he annoyed he’d never heard of Aunt Helene before? Angry? Or?


      The Order of Black

      Suggest trimming back the first paragraph of the query – ‘If only Ginny’s dad was around (to look after her – this is implied), but he disappeared…three. (She figures she’s heard the last of him. – dulls the impact of the following paragraph). Also suggest looking at uses of ‘filler’ words (just, even, that) and trimming when they don’t strengthen a sentence or improve its rhythm. It wasn’t clear to me (in the query) whether the box arrives before or after she’s sent to boarding school. The phrase ‘old boys’ club’ momentarily threw me – it conjured an image of smoking lounges, etc. Perhaps us a different word than ‘old’ or rephrase as ‘an old club for boys’? The stakes are clear, but suggest rephrasing the last line of the query to avoid using ‘risk’ and ‘risking’ in the same sentence.

      I like the voice in the opening 250 – with the MC’s thoughts about what a mother doesn’t need to know. Also, great job showing the lack of communication between mother and daughter. Not merely about the mysterious box, but about the dress the mother adores and Ginny finds hideous, but wears without complaint. This tells us so much about Ginny and her relationship with her mother.

      Winner: The Order of Black

      Delete
    8. Ice Cream Rebel Rousers

      Query:
      Wow, you’ve got me hook, line, and sinker! You probably don’t need to tell us that much about Helene’s tea outfit, but it’s a lovely bit of color. I am curious how they get introduced to Harper, but it is not needed in the query. This query has me wanting to dive right into the novel.

      First 250 words:
      I dove in, and I’m ready to read more. Strong opener. I honestly hate it when I can’t nitpick something or critique more. However, here, it just feels like a novel I’d pull off a shelf. Bravo!
      ---
      The Order of Black

      Query:
      I’m a sucker for magic schools, so I’m interested. I do wish you had less setup here. I think you could cut it a bit and give us a bit more. I’m curious, is Ginny doing all this alone? It’s cool if so, but generally stories like that she has some friends to help her out.

      First 250 words:
      I like this. It’s a really strong and relatable opener. I did assume, based on the query, the box was delivered to her once she got to the school, but it seems it is not. It’s not important to the query, but it did throw me. I like that this gets straight to the point. You feel welcomed into Ginny’s world because you share a secret with her.
      ----

      Honestly, how can one choose? Both are great. I hope both find agents and I can read them in a bookstore sometime soon. This round makes it clear to me that I need to start reading some MG (despite the fact no one in my house is that age) because I love both of these! That being said, I’ve got to choose one.

      Victory goes to: Ice Cream Rebel Rousers

      Delete
    9. Ice Cream Rebel Rousers

      Query:
      First off, I would remove the word “Humor” from the genre description. The rule of thumb is don’t tell your audience it’s funny, show them it’s funny (primarily through narrative voice). Overall I like the concept, but it’s not really grabbing yet. I have no real sense of the stakes (other than that they’re breaking rules, but it doesn’t say what the consequences are if they get caught). And I can’t tell whether or not the aunt is friend or foe. So I would really work to bring in the humor, and clarify what obstacles stand in the children’s way of getting this treasure.

      First 250 Words:
      I think this is decent as openings go, but again, if it’s going for humor, I think it could ramp things up considerably. Also, there’s seems to be a slight incongruity between them not knowing they had an aunt and all the stuff they nevertheless seem to know about her (for example, the rumor about rats, that she has a list of rules, etc.).

      The Order of Black

      Query:
      Very cool premise, but maybe a bit thin on specifics just yet. I would suggest increasing the word count (it could easily go to 250) and give us a bit more detail. Why does she want to find her father (not everyone does) and what is the cost of not finding him (it says she’s desperate, but what exactly does that mean)? What specific obstacles does the Order put in her way? And what exactly is she risking?

      First 250 Words:
      Okay, I actually lol-ed when I hit the part about measles. Nicely done. There’s a great MG voice here, and that’s a huge plus. If possible, I would suggest bringing some of this into the query as well. Writing a query isn’t the same as writing the story, of course, but the query should still have the same sort of feel to it. Think of the query as making a promise that the manuscript then delivers on. Also, one point of potential confusion: it says “There are certain things a mother doesn't really need to know” but then follows with “But the box in Ginny's nightstand was not one of those things” which makes it sounds as though this is one of the things a mother *does* in fact need to know, except Ginny seems to hide it from her. Anyway, either I’m confused or there’s a contradiction somewhere that needs addressing.

      Yet another difficult contest here, so again I’m going with strength of narrative voice as the deciding factor. Therefore, it’s victory to THE ORDER OF THE BLACK!

      Delete
    10. ICE CREAM REBEL ROUSERS

      This one charmed me from beginning to end. The query read very smoothly and I zoomed through it and the first 250 words without a hitch. That’s a hard trick to pull off, and you knocked it down off beautifully.

      THE ORDER OF BLACK

      Both the query and the first 250 words stopped me dead in a couple of places.

      For example: it took me a moment to work out whether “it’s” referred to the metals or the box: “Ginny thinks it’s just an old heirloom …” I know that sounds stupid, but because you mentioned the metals last, my brain was squirrelled toward the metals.

      Your opening paragraph also stopped me:

      There are certain things a mother doesn't really need to know. Trivial things, like whether or not you clipped your toe nails this morning, or that you stepped in something sticky at the park. But the box in Ginny's nightstand was not one of those things. Ginny knew it wasn't. And that's why her fingers twitched every time her mother came into her room.

      What are you saying? That the box in Ginny’s nightstand IS one of the things that a mother needs to know? I think it was beginning the sentence with “But” that threw me.

      I’d suggest reading both the query and the first 250 words just a little more closely for clarity before sending this one out.

      VICTORY: ICE CREAM REBEL ROUSERS

      Delete
  2. Ice Cream Rebels: The query snaps and pops with voice, as does much of the first page -- which is where I think you should consider focusing a little more attention. Remembering that your narrator is an MG-aged young man, I think the first person narrative voice is over-tagging the dialogue. Every speaking moment is full of something doing X while they Y or looking with wide eyes while they this and then they that. You have some great skills in terms of laying out a scene and assigning gestures and actions that fit that scene's tone, but you're using too many of these details, and it's getting in the way of letting the reader just plain read the story. For example, if Lil is clutching the doll with white knuckles, we can presume it's close and tight to her, too, to the fact of it being to her chest is unnecessary. And so on. Take a critical eye to the details you choose on your first page and see if every tag can have HALF as much going on in it as you have now. Then try to implement the same parsimony in the rest of your edits, throughout the text. Trust me, I struggle with this, too, so I know it's not easy, but getting past the urge to stage every element of a scene is an important way to let your reader -- particularly a young, impatient, perhaps reluctant reader -- just get absorbed in the action. I DO love the cryptic way the first page ends, letting the reader know that there's something up with Grandma -- the more beloved elder relative -- that has put the characters in this situation, and the way the family talks/doesn't talk about it among itself feels very natural.

    Order of Black: Your query, like Ice Cream Rebels' query, is full of voice, stakes, and a sense of urgency, all great to see. The first page includes details that show us exactly what the MC thinks of her mother's choice in fashion... and more importantly, her ability to be honest with her mother. I love that we've begun with the box already in hand, which means that the move to the boarding school will be a compounding problem that ALSO furthers MC's access to information related to the box. It fits together tightly, which is great.

    This is easily the hardest call out of all the round 2 match-ups I've judged. If I could send both entries a victory, I would, but as it stands, for its overall strength, I give victory to ORDER OF BLACK.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Congratulations to you both for making it to Round 2! That speaks volumes already about your query and 250.

    Ice Cream:

    This query is very well written and has me intrigued to read the story. My only comment is maybe to vary sentence length more. Some are long, and a few very short ones might add impact to the rhythm. In the first 250, I like that you intrigue us with the mystery of Aunt Helene’s house, and that Gabe didn’t even know about her until now. I wonder if starting with present action, rather than rules, might pull us into the story more quickly. Maybe start with pulling up the car as in that 4th paragraph. That would put us right into the scene. Then you could add some of the 1st 3 paragraphs.
    There might be places where you can tighten language. For example:

    “clutching her doll close” (you don’t need “to her body” because that’s assumed).
    “I whispered across the back seat.” (you don’t need “of the car” because that’s assumed).
    “with a smirk” (you don’t need “on his face”).

    The Order:

    This is a great query. The mystery of the box pulls me in right away. And the stakes are clear. I wonder if your first sentence might have more impact if it relates to the main character, and not her mom, who seems to be a very minor focus in the story.

    In the first 250, I like that you draw us in with the mystery of the box. But it seems to conflict with your query, which made me think the box didn’t come until later, after she left home. Again, the focus is on the mom in the first sentence. You may want to rethink that if she’s not a main focus in the story.

    I feel like you don’t need all the dialogue tags. For example:
    “Are you ready, dear?” Her mom opened the door. “The press…” (you don’t need “her mom asked”)
    “Oh Ginny.” Mom smiled. “That dress…”

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love both of these entries! Such strong MG voices!

    Ice Cream:
    I love these edits from last time! I love the creepy change from smelly, but I would avoid using creepy in the query twice. I agree with some of the other commenters that you might have a stronger opening if you start with Gabe and not the litany of rules. The rules will pack a stronger punch if we already can sense Gabe’s opinion about them. I also echo the idea of some above that there are some unnecessary words here. For example, I don’t think the mom needs to say Lily scares easily. You just showed us that very thing a few lines before. I also love the added mystery about the grandma! Want to read more!

    The Order of Black:
    Love this query, but I would tweak the first paragraph. Right now it feels like a lot of backstory, and more focused on Ginny’s parents than Ginny. I think you could easily reframe the same info from Ginny’s perspective. I also wonder about the first line. I don’t think we need a full line to characterize Ginny’s mom, especially since it seems the meat of the book takes place at the boarding school. Also a tiny grammar concern: you are replacing “old boys’ club” with they and technically club is singular. I might just say the club or the organization instead. I love your 250. I want to read more of this, too! I am a little confused about the order of events between your query and first page. Does Ginny already know about boarding school? It seems in your query Ginny learns about that before the box. One tiny thing: I think “toenails” is one word.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ice Cream Rebel Rousers

    Query: My first thought is: Omg I would've loved to read this as a kid! My second thought is that the premise of a summer vacation in an old house with no cable sounds rather cliché...but I actually don't care because I love the sound of this story.

    250: Very cute voice with engaging writing. I'd keep reading!

    The Order of Black

    Query: I remember this query from Round 1. I liked it then and I like it still! Good job!

    250: I do like the opening, but I have to admit the first paragraph felt a little distant. A little too omniscient, perhaps. I'd say that's fine if your entire story is like that, but I get the sense that it isn't based on the rest of the 250.

    I'm glad I don't have to vote, because this would be a tough choice!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ice Cream Rebel Rousers

    Query: My first thought is: Omg I would've loved to read this as a kid! My second thought is that the premise of a summer vacation in an old house with no cable sounds rather cliché...but I actually don't care because I love the sound of this story.

    250: Very cute voice with engaging writing. I'd keep reading!

    The Order of Black

    Query: I remember this query from Round 1. I liked it then and I like it still! Good job!

    250: I do like the opening, but I have to admit the first paragraph felt a little distant. A little too omniscient, perhaps. I'd say that's fine if your entire story is like that, but I get the sense that it isn't based on the rest of the 250.

    I'm glad I don't have to vote, because this would be a tough choice!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you to everyone for giving amazing feedback. While I wish I was moving on, I'm so grateful to have had this experience. I can't wait to dive right into my revisions!

    ReplyDelete