Wednesday, June 15, 2016

QK Round 2: Ivy League Sex Scandal vs. Madam Butterfly

Title: The Professor and Miss St. James
Entry Nickname: Ivy League Sex Scandal
Word Count: 104,000
Genre: Adult Contemporary Romance

Query:

At 25, all Jocelyn St. James has to show for her life are three homecoming crowns, two blue lines on a stick, and a ton of regret. She’s cutting her losses and heading for grad school at Dartmouth. Leaving Texas is her only hope of hiding her pregnancy from the baby’s father.

She’s got seven months until her due date. Not enough time to get a master’s degree or figure out the whole motherhood thing, but if she can manage not to ruin anyone’s life, she’ll be off to a good start. 

When her sexy professor locks eyes with her on the first day of class, her fresh start is the first casualty of his killer smile. 

Best-selling author, Michael Kensington is no average academic. Brilliant and gorgeous, he could charm the pants off any grad student, even a former homecoming queen determined to outrun her past. 

If Jocelyn doesn’t address the rising heat between them, she won’t have a prayer of focusing on school. But when things get way more intimate than either of them intend, Jocelyn not only falls in love— she kind of falls apart. He’s quick to blame her hormones, but she’s got bigger problems. 

With rumors of their affair spreading, and her mom coming for a visit, it’s just a matter of time before Jocelyn’s pregnancy is big news at Dartmouth and back home. Kensington wants to know what she’s running from, but telling him the truth about the baby’s father is not an option.  

If Jocelyn wants a future with Kensington, she’ll have to make a choice: lie to keep him close, or lose him to keep her secrets… Unless she’s not the only one with a past that won’t stay put.

First 250 Words:


I make him nervous. 

His eye contact falters when he glances across the desk at me. Dr. Edna Moss’s teaching assistant clears his throat and taps his pencil. A flush creeps up his neck.

I’m not sure what he sees in me. The usual, I guess. My two-thousand mile road trip must not look as bad on the outside as it feels on the inside. Because inside, I’m struggling. 

The office reeks of air freshener. The smell nauseates me. Lately, I’ve come to depend on breathing through my nose to keep from gagging, but the revolting scent makes breathing much harder than it has any right to be.

“How long will Dr. Moss be?” I ask, ending our awkward silence. 

He glances at me with lit-up eyes and a shy grin. “Any minute now.” 

I return his smile with as much grace as I can manage. “Tell me your name again?”

“Will.”

“Nice to meet you,” I say.

“You’re new to Dartmouth?”

“Brand new.”

“Dr. Moss says you’re a star.”

“Wow. Thanks.” I have zero desire to flirt with this guy, but I don’t want to piss him off either. It’s a delicate balance. As men are. 

“What are your languages?”

“French and Italian. Some Portuguese,” I say.

“Romance, huh?”

He doesn’t ask it in a derisive way, but the question still manages to dredge up every insecurity I have about whether I’m good enough to walk the halls of an Ivy League school.

“Yeah,” is my brilliant answer.




VERSUS



Title: The Absence of Butterflies
Entry NicknameMadam Butterfly
Word count: 80,000
Genre: Adult Contemporary Romance

Query:  

Will Kavanagh is the only one who knows the truth about the drug overdose that killed Christy Talbot. Not that he’s telling. The world famous actress may have starred in the film adaption of his novel, but that doesn’t mean he wants to go to jail for giving her illegal drugs. Troubled by a mounting sense of self-loathing and guilt, not to mention images of Christy’s lifeless face plaguing his dreams, Will returns to the only place he has ever felt something other than lost: home. Not that everyone in town is rolling out the red carpet for Cherrington’s prodigal son.

Following the unexpected death of her father, Jessica Locke needs something—anything—to keep herself busy, and fixing up a property for Will’s mother sounds like just the ticket. The only hitch is her ego-fueled ex-fiancé is back—the one who left her in the rear-view mirror on his way to literary fame in NYC. Will is the last person Jessica wants to talk about, let alone see. Repeatedly thrown together at the most inconvenient of times by Jessica’s matchmaker uncle, it isn’t long before things begin to heat up between them once again. Too bad Will, haunted by the knowledge of how Christy died, isn’t exactly relationship-ready. Neither is Jessica.

Each dealing with death in very different ways, Jessica and Will navigate conflicting emotions and their undeniable attraction to find something worth saving. Then Will realizes that unless he’s willing to reveal his secret to Jessica, fast, he could lose her trust—and her love—all over again. Because, as it turns out, Will isn't the only one who knows the truth behind Christy’s death.


First 250:

On the drive from New York City, Will Kavanagh couldn’t stop thinking about the dead actress. All day little things triggered memories of her: a red Porsche, a cluster of violets on the side of the road, a movie poster.

And when he emerged from the coffee shop that evening, he was confronted with yet another reminder.

His legs seemed to move of their own volition, taking him off the sidewalk and over to the bookstore window. He would have been able to spot those red and gold splashed covers anywhere. Bold black letters at the top of each one proclaimed Now a Major Motion Picture. Underneath was a snapshot of the two main stars. The one on the right gazed back at Will, her full lips drawn into a seductive pout.

As he stood transfixed on the sidewalk, the world around him faded away. He didn’t see Christy Talbot with her arm around her leading man. Instead his mind burned with the image of the actress as she lay sprawled on the floor, a pill bottle upended next to her, her eyes empty. Those eyes had haunted him every day for the last two months.

“Excuse me.”

The voice made him snap back to the present. He turned his head and saw a man standing beside him, holding out the bag that contained Will’s bagel. “I saw you drop this. You didn’t even notice.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

The man smiled. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”

Will stiffened. “No.”

15 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Ivy League: You have an intriguing concept and a great voice, but the stakes in your query felt too vague for me--all the mentions of your MC's past without any elaboration were frustrating at times, and it was unclear to me why your MC is hiding the pregnancy from the baby's father. You could really raise the stakes by adding in more specifics!

      In your first 250, I struggled to connect with your MC. I wasn't getting a clear read on her emotions, I think because it's too dialogue-heavy. Is this the best place to begin the story?

      Madam Butterfly: I don't have much to suggest for your query, which I really enjoyed; my one suggestion is to get a bit more specific about how Christy's death (which you spend a good deal of time on in the query) ties into the romance between Will and Jessica! This should raise your stakes. If you can make us see how those two aspects of the story are related, you'll have a much stronger pitch.

      I also enjoyed your first 250- great first line!- but at the same time, I felt a little removed from Will's emotions. I don't know if that's just the third person narration or if others had/will have a similar experience upon reading, but it's something to be mindful of. We need clearer emotion in order to connect with Will right away.

      While both these entries could use work on the stakes and opening pages, one concept stood out to me more strongly.

      Victory to...MADAM BUTTERFLY!

      Delete
    2. Ivy League: Your query features fantastic voice and pacing, doing a great job of making the MC's very personal predicament feel like something a reader who is a stranger to her could get interested in. I'd be lying if I didn't say that a word count north of 100K in a contemp romance seems very, very high, especially since there seem to be seeds of humor running in this pitch, too. You length should look more like Madame Butterfly's, so don't be surprised if agents interested in your work want to see it trimmed to size. I'm less compelled by your first page than your query, since the first page starts in a situation that doesn't get under my skin in the same way as the query did. I'm in some professor's office for some purpose, but why this visit is important, etc., isn't clear just yet. I get the impression that we're supposed to see the assistant as unsubtle-ly making a pass at the MC, but I can't figure out why, and frankly, her disinterest makes ME disinterested in whatever frisson might otherwise be present in such a moment.

      Madame Butterfly: I confess your felt bogged down and heavy, full of backstory and a conflict that's all about choices other people, like this matchmaker uncle, are making, rather than the actions of the characters themselves. I don't feel their agency acutely, and that makes it hard for me to get invested in their problems. The first page fits into the plan of introducing Will, and I have few concerns about it, except the fact that it doesn't correct my lack of sympathy for/interest in the character(s). I'm not feeling the heart of this query or first page, because I feel held at arm's length.

      Victory to Ivy League!

      Delete
    3. Ivy League Sex Scandal

      Query:
      First off, I would suggest consolidating these seven short paragraphs into three or four at the most. Possibly a quick one or two sentence opener, one paragraph per character, and then a closing paragraph that highlights what’s at stake and hooks the reader. Also, I feel like it’s a little vague on details. You don’t want to give away the ending, but I feel there would be stronger hook if we knew exactly what it is Jocelyn is running from (and Kensington as well, for that matter). Details are your friend in a query.

      First 250 Words:
      Overall I think this is a good opening page, although I question whether it’s taking full advantage of it’s subject matter to hook the reader. What I mean here is, if the professor is going to show up on the next page, do we really need this initial scene to build up to it? Would it be stronger to simply open with Jocelyn simply meeting Michael and putting her in an uncomfortable position right from the start? Just a thought.

      Madam Butterfly

      Query:
      A solid query for the most part (although given the circumstances, I’m having trouble seeing Will as a sympathetic character). I think it could be stronger if we knew what broke up Will and Jessica the first time, especially if it’s something that had to do with keeping secrets.

      First 250 Words:
      An interesting opening, although a bit heavy on filtering. For example, rather than “couldn’t stop thinking” just get straight to what he’s thinking. And instead of “he was confronted with yet another reminder” (which is unnecessarily foreshadowing), just launch directly into what the reminder is. Could also cut “You didn’t even notice.” since it’s obvious Will didn’t notice. All of this is redundant and distances the reader. Trimming and tightening throughout would make for a more gripping, more immediate reading experience.

      It’s a close call, but I’m going to say victory to MADAM BUTTERFLY!

      Delete
    4. Congrats to both entries for making it to Round 2!

      Ivy League

      Query:


      You've got an interesting idea here but your query reads too much like a synopsis. What I think is getting lost is your central conflict: the hidden pregnancy. My suggestion would be to build your query around this idea. How it affects both Jocelyn's past and now her future relationship with the professor. All the other "b" stories - the "mysterious father" and the rumors of the relationship need to be sidelined so the reader can focus on where Jocelyn's true battle is and what it will cost her if she continues to keep secrets.

      First 250:

      This opening has good voice. We get an early set-up of storyline which is also great. My only suggestion would be to cut way back on the inference to Jocelyn being a "beauty queen". I think this is simply stated with the T.A.'s reaction to her. Any additional mention (or internal monologue) feels like overkill. Allow the reader to infer rather than sharing the same fact over and over.


      Madam Butterfly

      Query:

      Again great premise but you lost me with all the backstory. I'd highly recommend cutting all your detail back. Give us the central conflict and what it will cost Will to make things right. With just a few details you can still set-up your story and not bog the reader down in details.

      First 250: I enjoyed the fact that you jump right in with the tension. Immediately I know something is off about Will. One suggestion I have would be to allude to the starlet's death rather than state it outright at the beginning. The air of mystery will have the reader wondering what really happened and encourage them to keep turning the page.

      Victory to... Madam Butterfly

      Delete
    5. Ivy League Sex Scandal

      Great opening line for the query -- lets us know some key points about the main character in a concise and interesting way. Suggest trimming out 'kind of' in the 3rd paragraph as it weakens the sentence. Though I suspect it's important to the plot, I also suggest trimming out the last line of the query ('Unless...put.'); I think the preceding line acts as a stronger landing point.

      The opening 250 does a good job showing us how her outsides don't match her insides -- in terms of confidence as well as her pregnancy. I suggest cutting/reworking the explanation 'Because inside, I'm struggling' as it's a bit too 'tell-ish'. I think the details about her nausea are an effective way to show us the changes she's going through and how she's coping.

      Madame Butterfly

      I got a strong sense of the characters, conflict and setting from this query. Plus I loved the hook at the end.

      I thought the first 250 was strong, though I'd suggest cutting the use of 'sidewalk' in the 4th paragraph as it seems to conflict with 'off the sidewalk' in the previous paragraph. Also, a picky point - suggest trimming one use of her' in the 4th paragraph to avoid use the word two times in a row: '...next to her, (her) eyes empty.'

      Victory to: Madame Butterfly

      Delete
    6. Congrats to both for getting to the second round!

      Ivy League Sex Scandal

      I think the premise of this novel is very interesting, but I had trouble understanding the stakes in the query. There are a lot of issues presented here - starting over in a new town/at a new school, hiding the pregnancy, dealing with a new relationship - but ultimately I didn’t identify the main conflict, which would drive the query home: “When x happens, Main Character must do y.” I also thought the last sentence of the fifth paragraph was a bit confusing, because I would have thought she’d be quick to blame her hormones, though I understand why the reference is properly to Kensington.

      As for the pages, I thought the exchange was well done, though I didn’t know what she meant by him seeing the “usual” in her. Also, as novels should begin where the story begins, I was wondering if the story here really begins with Jocelyn meeting the professor or if it should begin earlier in the sequence of events, especially since the query’s first two paragraphs are dedicated to prior events.

      Madame Butterfly

      In the query, I liked the juxtaposition of the two main characters and how it came together in the third paragraph. I do wonder if the stakes are high enough - merely self-understanding and dealing with a tragedy, new relationship - they’re a bit generic.

      The opening for this worked for me, but I didn’t like some of the language relating to the actress. It seemed cliché - “cluster of violets on the side of the road,” “full lips, “seductive pout,” etc. I also wondered why there would be a cluster of violets on the side of the road when it appears she overdosed in her bed. In general, I think the language could be dialed back a bit and have the same effect. (In general, however, this appears to start right where the story should begin, and I would be interested in the general premise.

      WINNER: Madame Butterfly

      Delete
    7. Ivy League Sex Scandal:
      Query is overly long, and is a bit generic. It does a good job of laying out the tropes of a typical romance, but the incredible voice in the first 250 words is missing. It’s not super clear why the baby’s father’s identity is an issue. I think a little more specificity in the query could make it sing. The first 250 words have Jocelyn a bit more snarky than this query shows.

      Madam Butterfly:
      I like the premise as described by this query, but it could benefit from some restructuring. The transition to Jessica’s introduction could be much simpler by being more upfront about the fact that she and Will know one another, and their past is rather rocky. The first 250 words are a bit rough. It is a lot of information. I wish there was more color to it, a stronger sense of Will’s point of view, but by the end it seems it is getting there.

      ----
      For this I mainly had to go on overall plot descriptions. Out of the two, Madam Butterfly is the one I’d rather read.

      So Victory goes to: Madam Butterfly

      Delete
    8. IVY LEAGUE SEX SCANDAL

      Okay, a couple of things about the query:

      “At 25, all Jocelyn St. James has to show for her life are three homecoming crowns, two blue lines on a stick”

      I had to read this twice to know you were talking about a pregnancy test. Also, even though you started with her being 25, the “homecoming crowns” made me think she was much younger. See if others have this problem, but it snagged me.

      “She’s cutting her losses and heading for grad school at Dartmouth. Leaving Texas is her only hope of hiding her pregnancy from the baby’s father.”

      The implied threat of the father isn’t enough to hook me. I want to know what is so terrible about a man that she would run away and not tell him about his child. Is he abusive? If so, say so in your query, because right now, I don’t feel a lot of empathy for Jocelyn.

      "She’s got seven months until her due date. Not enough time to get a master’s degree or figure out the whole motherhood thing, but if she can manage not to ruin anyone’s life, she’ll be off to a good start."

      Which brings to my mind: how does a single mother manage to a) get into Dartmouth; b) afford to live and work full-time … which leads me to healthcare and a ton of other issues that is taking me right out of the story. I’m not sure how to fix that other than to insert at some point that Jocelyn is independently wealthy.

      "When her sexy professor locks eyes with her on the first day of class, her fresh start is the first casualty of his killer smile.

      “If Jocelyn doesn’t address the rising heat between them, she won’t have a prayer of focusing on school. But when things get way more intimate than either of them intend, Jocelyn not only falls in love— she kind of falls apart. He’s quick to blame her hormones …”

      The hormones line does not win Kensington brownie points with me …

      “With rumors of their affair spreading …”

      Kensington would probably lost his post at Dartmouth, because hanky-panky with the students is a no-no-no-no ...

      So a lot of what lost me with yours wasn’t so much the writing but the plausibility of the plot. I’m sure you’ve covered all of this in the story, but you need to bring it out more clearly in the query. I like the idea of forbidden love between faculty and student in a romance, but there was a lack of tension in both the query and the opening. This could be a terribly subjective opinion, so please keep that in the back of your mind.

      MADAM BUTTERFLY

      **SCREAMS**
      **SCREAMS AND SWEARS OMFG**
      This is absolutely marvelous. I liked this query and opening a lot the first time I saw it in round 1. I positively love it now. You have clarified the issues and expressed the theme of them both dealing with death in different ways … this is so perfect I have nothing but … **SCREAMS**

      Victory: MADAM BUTTERFLY

      Delete
    9. IVY LEAGUE:
      Overall, I think this query and first 250 are well-done and would hook the right agent looking for this kind of story. I would question the word count. It’s too high, and I would put money on a bet that it needs to be 10K-20K shorter than it is. I’d really look into that with some good beta readers. Also, I think the weakness for me in the query is that I’m not really sure about what the mc’s motivation is, so I don’t fully connect with why she’s running away. I’m also afraid that the romance will come off as cliché, so really make it clear in the query how it is not…what makes this romance story special or sets it apart from all the others out there?

      The writing is nicely done. I would like to take my red pen to it to make little wording changes here and there. Ex. I would delete, “Dr. Edna Moss’s teaching assistant” and leave it at ‘he.’ Make the reader wonder for a moment who ‘he’ is. Also, “as men are” I would change to “as men usually are.” I’m also not sold on the idea that she thinks she makes him nervous and then that he’s subtly attracted to her. That seems like it is two different emotions going on and I can’t reconcile them in this opening. Also, if your mc is bored or disinterested, your reader will be too. Since she clearly seems disinterested and a bit annoyed, I’m not sure that this is the best way to open a book. I would like to read this, in general but I think there are little things here and there that could make it stronger.

      MADAM BUTTERFLY:
      I would consider rewriting the query so that it is only from Will’s POV. Just as you are getting into his side of things in the query, you jump to Jessica’s and it is jolting. I don’t think we get a really clear picture of anyone’s motivations aside from ‘running’ away from things.

      I like the opening and the writing. I’m intrigued by this one and what the secrets are as well as the possibility of Will and Jessica’s old flame being rekindled. That makes this one seem a bit more fresh to me, rather than a typical love story. This is a really hard decision but…

      VICTORY:
      MADAM BUTTERFLY

      Delete
  2. IVY LEAGUE SEX SCANDAL

    Your MS sounds like a great read. There were a couple of things that I wondered about: What are Jocelyn's bigger problems referenced in the query? You don't have to spell it all out, but as it stands, it's pretty vague.

    Is there a special reason the first interaction in the 250 is with a minor character? I can assume Dr. Moss is going to be her mentor – perhaps their meeting would be a better place to start off.

    MADAM BUTTERFLY

    Again, this is a story I want to know more about. In the query, I stumbled on the “ego-fueled ex-fiance” line, not realizing until I read on that it meant Will.

    Your 250 starts out very strong, and gives us a chance to see plenty of tension in Will's character. But then it also moves on to an interaction with someone I assume is a minor character, and my interest faded a bit.

    For both these entries, I'm looking for a stronger connection with the character; a bit of external conflict in the 250 might turn things around for me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ivy League
    I love the way you build tension through the query, but the last line falls a little flat for me. I actually really like the last line--I just wish it was in a different place. It doesn't actually give us any sense of the stakes, which is what I'm looking for at the end of a query. As for the 250, I would definitely encourage you to consider whether this is the best place to start your story. It does reveal some of her character, but it doesn't pull me into any conflict.

    Madam Butterfly:
    I like the set up in the first two paragraphs of the query. I had to re-read the last paragraph a few times, though. Overall I like the 250, but the POV felt a bit distant, and that kept me from connecting with Will.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ivy League Sex Scandal:
    Query is overly long, and is a bit generic. It does a good job of laying out the tropes of a typical romance, but the incredible voice in the first 250 words is missing. It’s not super clear why the baby’s father’s identity is an issue. I think a little more specificity in the query could make it sing. The first 250 words have Jocelyn a bit more snarky than this query shows.

    Madam Butterfly:
    I like the premise as described by this query, but it could benefit from some restructuring. The transition to Jessica’s introduction could be much simpler by being more upfront about the fact that she and Will know one another, and their past is rather rocky. The first 250 words are a bit rough. It is a lot of information. I wish there was more color to it, a stronger sense of Will’s point of view, but by the end it seems it is getting there.

    ----
    For this I mainly had to go on overall plot descriptions. Out of the two, Madam Butterfly is the one I’d rather read.

    So Victory goes to: Madam Butterfly

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ivy League Sex Scandal

    I'm intrigued by this query! I'd totally read this. One nitpicky thing is that there shouldn't be a comma after "Best-selling author". Also, I think you could combine paragraphs 3 and 4. With so many short paragraphs, the query might come across as choppy.

    I really like the voice in the first 250! The opening scene is very cute and has me wanting to read more.

    Madame Butterfly

    Oooo I like the first paragraph of this query. This premise sounds great. In the second paragraph, I was thrown by the second-to-last sentence; the whole paragraph is about Jessica, but then it switches back to being inside Will's head. think you could mvoe the final two sentences of the second paragraph to the beginning of the final paragraph instead. That way, it's one paragraph about Will, one paragraph about Jessica, and a final paragraph about how they come together.

    I really wasn't expecting the opening scene to jump right into Will's knowledge of the actress's death. Not that I'm complaining, I just didn't envision that start. Anyway, I like it. I especially like the final two paragraphs--they sat a lot in such few words!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ivy League Sex Scandal: I read this one in Round 1 also, and think you've really strengthened it. I have a much clearer idea now of what is threatening to make the truth come out. However, I still think it would be stronger to know what caused her to leave the baby daddy in the first place--as it stands, Jocelyn seems a little bit flighty to me which makes her hard for me to connect with. Still love your first 250 words; they're just fantastic!

    Madame Butterfly: I really like the changes you made to your query. It's much clearer now that the story is told from alternating POV, and I think both characters sound very interesting. Great first 250; I feel like there is a lot of tension and discomfort there and it makes me want to keep reading. Great job!

    ReplyDelete