Thursday, January 23, 2014

SVS 2: A TEMPORARY CONVENIENCE, Adult Romantic Mystery

Title: A TEMPORARY CONVENIENCE
Genre: Adult Romantic Mystery
Word Count: 89,000


My Main Character is most uncomfortable with:

Snow is demonstrably inferior to sun.  Many civilizations have worshipped the sun – realizing that, without it, life would be impossible.  No photosynthesis would mean no food, while no Vitamin D production from sunshine would remove the strength to go get food even if it existed.  But you can live quite comfortably without snow.  You can plan for sunny weather, too.  However, snowfall is unpredictable, tricky, and sometimes unsafe.  And did humans evolve in the Arctic? Of course not.  Honestly, then, why would any rational person be at ease around frozen water unless it’s cooling a lovely single-malt Scotch?

Query:
So what if Beth Macdonald can't rationalize how her Ph.D. in medieval and early modern Scottish history qualifies her for the big bucks?  Dorie Campbell, star of DC society and overly generous art dealer, has materialized and rescued her from a life of temp work.  Beth's not going to lose this chance at permanent employment.  Besides, the dream position comes complete with rich, hunky accountant Ted Bruce, who acts so smitten that he even tracks down and reads her damn dissertation.

However, the last time a Macdonald trusted the Bloody Campbells, the Glencoe Massacre followed.  Perhaps Beth could try to disregard history, too.  Only the unsettling, present-day facts can't be ignored – her employer's peculiar behavior and prolific lies, the hinky business records, and the sudden disappearance of Beth's predecessor.  The IRS is asking questions. 
A member of the local Mob family has some, too.

Beth realizes it's time to wake up and smell the Scotch.  She needs to brush off her grad school skills and research the possible misdeeds of some modern Campbells.  A more difficult task may be protecting herself from her stunning new admirer.  Ted could a part of whatever's going on, and he once pursued Mrs. Campbell's missing previous assistant just as hard.  She turned him down.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


First 250 words:

What if I answered:  "People don't appreciate being told they're wrong, even in academia.  With two degrees only useful for life as a professor – and having turned any scholastic bridges into charcoal – I became an office temp.  But I've always longed for a permanent position where truth is valued."

No, Beth.  No.  The longer I sat in my car outside the imposing gates to the Campbell’s Potomac estate, the more idiotic became my imagined interview answers.  I wanted to sound like a principled teller of truth, not a pain in the ass.  Of course, Mom insisted I was more frequently the latter, but I couldn’t think now about all the shortcomings she perceived in me.
I lacked a polished spiel.  This was my first shot at a permanent position, and it had come without much time to prepare.  I had to finesse the issue.  Miss Brooks, owner of Capitol Temporary Services, claimed I shouldn't mention my degrees to potential employers lest I seem too overqualified or snooty to tackle their grunt work.  My defense-attorney dad said the same thing:  don't volunteer unfortunate facts.

I suppose they were right.  For instance, I’d told Miss Brooks she’d misnamed the firm.  There was no capitol in Columbia, Maryland.  Capital was a more accurate and positive word, associated with both useful resources and the hockey team popular in the area.  She hadn’t appreciated my knowledge base.

I’d impressed my boss this morning, though.  Dorie Campbell, art dealer and luminary of DC society, had called Capitol to say she wanted a new permanent assistant:  me.

23 comments:

  1. Hi, author of A TEMPORARY CONVENIENCE! Mentor Sarah Marsh here. I love your title, and this is such an interesting premise!

    In your query, I think you could tweak the opening line so you aren't posing a question straight away. For instance, if you said: "Beth MacDonald doesn't care that she can't rationalize how her Ph.D. in medieval and early modern Scottish history qualifies her for the big bucks," you'd eliminate the question. In the second paragraph, I think the Glencoe Massacre needs a little more explanation. I, for one, am not familiar with that particular event, so I think a few brief words added to the end of the sentence about the massacre could clear that up. Also in the second paragraph, what about combining these two sentences for better flow? "The IRS is asking questions, and a member of the local Mob family has some, too." The third paragraph is where I have my biggest nitpicks. I love the voice here, but there's a word missing in the sentence that starts "Ted could..." My other issue at the end are the stakes. I like knowing that Ted was also pursuing the missing assistant just like he's now pursuing Beth, but I think you need to end with some more punch. Think of it this way: what's going to happen to Beth if she looks into this disappearance and her employer's lies too closely? Could her life be in danger? I want to be worried for Beth at the end, to entice me into the pages to find out what's going to happen to her!

    In your first 250, I was a little jarred by the opening dialogue without any context. Once I got to the second paragraph, I realized right away that Beth was practicing for an interview. I'd advise you to consider actually opening with the second paragraph, and showing us Beth's nervousness before you add in the imagined interview answers. I think that'll make things flow better in this first page. Other than that, I really enjoy the smart, fun tone of your opening! I can tell this is an exciting story...good luck!

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  2. The story sounds fascinating, so let's tweak your query and first 250 to get you as many requests as possible!

    The first thing is to remove that question from the start of your query. Questions posed in a query seems to be something that irks some agents, so it is usually better to avoid questions if you can. I think you could combine the first sentences if you streamline them a bit. Also, while the beginning of your query does give great info. about your character, it doesn't really present the stakes of the story quite as much as it could. Maybe you could play around with a "hook" that brings in the Campbell/MacDonald rivalry right away and shows us that this story includes adventure, suspense, a mystery, etc. Right now the beginning of the query reads more like this is going to be women's fiction, chick lit, or primarily a romance.

    I actually think the first sentence in your second paragraph would be a better hook. "the last time a Macdonald trusted the Bloody Campbells, the Glencoe Massacre followed." Then introduce Beth and the job with Dorie Campbell -- playing off the names to show right away that while the job is great, there's possible danger in it.


    Truthfully, I think you could actually start with the second paragraph, tweaking it a bit to intro. Beth and Dorrie, and some info. on Ted, then move directly into the third paragraph. (There is a word missing after "Ted could...")

    Beef up the stakes in the third paragraph --
    "Beth realizes (Maybe just -- It's time to to... )it's time to wake up and smell the Scotch. She (Beth) needs to brush off her dusty Ph.D in Scottish history and research the possible misdeeds of some modern Campbells (before... what? Finish off with some stakes here). A more difficult task may be protecting herself from her stunning new admirer. Ted could a part of whatever's going on, and he once pursued Mrs. Campbell's missing previous assistant just as hard. She turned him down." (These last three sentence don't quite work -- I think you could put more voice in this and make the stakes clearer -- tie the former assistant's disappearance more directly to Beth's situation somehow, so that the reader of the query can really feel that Beth's life is in danger.)

    First 250 -- I agree that you should consider cutting the first paragraph. The second paragraph works better for me as a starting point. You may need to tweak the starting sentence in that case, but I don't think you really need to change the rest. The story is clear without that first paragraph.

    Looking forward to reading your revisions!

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  3. Just adding that I am a mentor on TEAM SNOW -- sorry I left that out!

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  4. Mentor of Team Snow, Copernicus Nerd here! It's all subjective in this grand 'ol writing world of ours, but I hope whatever I have to say helps out at least a little!

    Agreeing with my fellow mentors above - I would lose starting the question at the start of a theory. They never work the way they are intended. I'm actually going to suggest as well to use that second paragraph opener as your hook because that is when I really started to get interested in your novel.

    In your query, I would avoid introducing too many characters. Try to focus on your MC, as I became lost in the opening query paragraph due to the fact that there were so many names floating around.

    I had to re-read the query in its entirety to get a better idea as to what the stakes were, so I would definitely work on streamlining it a little bit more and bringing those stakes to the front. I can tell there is a lot going on in this story, but I want to focus on the main conflict. I want to know what happens if Beth doesn't figure out what the Campbells are up to.

    Onward to the 250! As my fellow mentors mentioned, the opening paragraph is a little much. But the second paragraph is MUCH stronger. I'm getting an immediate sense of your MC's voice, which I feel is lacking in the original first paragraph.

    Which brings me to one awesome thing I love about your 250. Voice. I can close my eyes and picture exactly what she looks like, and what sort of demeanor she has. Good job pulling that out in your writing.

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  5. Query: I think this is a terrific concept. It comes across as smart and well researched, yet modern and fun. But I did have to reread it 1) to get the characters straight, and 2) to see what was actually at stake for Beth. The last two sentences of the third paragraph get mired down in details, and the wording falls a little flat, especially after the punchy tone of the earlier paragraphs.

    250: Great voice! This character, even in that short excerpt, feels real. However, the second paragraph is better and reads more like an opening. Altogether intriguing and intelligent. I like a mystery where I learn something!

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  6. Mentor Kate Brauning here! I love your concept—the history of conflict between your characters and the impact of ancestors is a really fun and interesting idea.
    Query:
    I agree with the other mentors on trimming out the question. It confused me a little, and questions are usually weaker than statements.
    I got a little lost in all the details of the opening paragraph. I’d love to see your query start with “the last time a Macdonald trusted the Bloody Campbells, the Glencoe Massacre followed.” That has tons of punch and would get my attention right away.
    I agree with the clarification issues from the other mentors—especially with the comments about stakes. I’d love to know what Beth is risking more specifics about the mystery. The genre is mystery, but I don’t have a clear idea of what mystery specifically she’s trying to figure out.
    The ending of the query needs to go further, for me. Ending with a sentence about the stakes or a decision Beth has to make can be powerful. “Beth has to _____ before ______ happens and she loses all chance of _______” or something similar can bring all that conflict into a great hook!

    First 250:
    I was initially confused because I wasn’t sure what she was answering. Can you start with a simpler line that immediately grabs the reader? If this is her first change at a full-time job, I imagine she’s nervous and excited or hopeful, depending on the type of person she is. Show us that might make for a solid first line to help ground us in where she is and what she’s doing. It took me a minute to figure out the main facts of the situation, so if you can make that clearer, I think you’ll be doing great.
    I’d also be cautious with the larger, less common words here. Beth has a Ph.D, but you don’t want to confuse the reader or lose them in weighty words- there are a lot of formal, multiple-syllable words in these paragraphs, and every once in a while I had to go back and re-read to pick up the thought again.
    Finally, I’d get to the action a bit sooner. We learn a lot of information about the situation, but all that happens is she’s sitting in her car outside the gates. Can you include more action in the moment, and sprinkle some of the informative details as she drives in, parks, goes inside, and meets Dorie? This way things are happening as we learn about who she is and what’s at stake here.
    Your writing is smooth and smart! Beth comes off as a professional, intelligent woman, and the nerves of an important job interview is a relatable moment. Nice work!

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  7. Team Snow mentor Kat here!

    Query: You have a great concept, and there's obviously a lot going on in the story, but all the details got a little overwhelming for me and I had to re-read your query a few times to get everything straight in my head. I like the suggestion of starting with 'The last time a Macdonald...' - it has so much punch, it would grab my attention right away. I also think that if 'the sudden disappearance of Beth's predecessor' is the key part of the mystery, this could be mentioned earlier rather than tagged at the end of a sentence. I love the idea that suspicion falls on Ted because he pursued the missing predecessor, but the last sentence needs to connect more to Beth and the stakes, and then it will be much stronger.

    First 250: I thought at first you'd dropped us in mid-conversation, and it took me a while to figure out what was happening. I really like your last sentence as an opener: 'Dorie Campbell, art dealer and luminary of DC society, had called Capitol to say she wanted a new permanent assistant: me.' It tells you exactly where you are, and everything after that would make more sense, I think.

    You have great voice in your writing - both the query and the excerpt - and my attention was definitely grabbed!

    Good luck!

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  8. Query: I get a great sense of your MC and her peculiarities, which sound great. Some questions I had: are the Campbells the mob family? Is there a way you can include her mistrust of anyone named Campbell based on his historical knowledge up front? Set it up like: This job is too good to pass up even if it means ignoring a longtime historical rivalry (which she would know about because of her mostly useless phd in....) or something? I think you've gotten a lot of great suggestions to clarify and clean it up. Because I really do like the idea of a history buff thinking her skill is useless only to discover she has the power to solve a mystery!

    First 250: I agree that we need some context to the opening. Have her look in her rear-view mirror, practice a forced smile and then launch into it out loud. I got hung up on "the more idiotic became my..." I would say "the more idiotic my answers became." I like that she gets bogged into minutiae and rambles. I know people like this! Good luck on revisions!

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  9. Hola! Team Snow mentor at your service.

    QUERY:

    Okay, so there's a lot going on here. I found myself reading sentences more than once to try to put the pieces of the puzzle together because there are lots of leaps and disconnects. Overall, I see what you're getting at, and I *think* I know what your story is about, but I'm still pretty confused. When you dive back into this query, seriously consider flow. How are these different elements related? As it stands, it kind of feels like I'm at a buffet and have stuffed my plate full of disparate plot points without really considering how all these flavors interact with each other.

    Find your hook. Find that thing that acts as the beating heart to your story. Is it the rivalry between these two families? Is it the relationship between Beth and Ted? How is Ted relevant besides his position as a love interest? Instead of throwing everything and the kitchen sink into your query, find that one thread that runs through your story and focus on that.

    EXCERPT:

    There's a lot of telling here and not very much showing. The opening is pretty confusing. I don't know where that line of internal dialogue comes from or if it's internal (right off the bat, anyway), or who's thinking it, or why.

    Set the scene. Paint a picture with your words. You don't want your reader to feel lost at sea from the first line. And instead of explaining the circumstances that led to this moment, reveal them organically. First person perspective can be great at revealing things to the reader through the character's internal monologue, but the risk is that you'll have your character overexplain without tying that information into the story itself. In short, beware the info dump.

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  10. Another mentor here.

    So a precursor: I'm not great at querying--or pitching for that matter. This is just my two cents. I'm gonna start with honesty: this query confused. There's a lot of name-dropping and little clarity. At first, I thought your main character was called Dorie Campbell, so I had to double-back--and that was sentence two! Starting with a question, too, gets a rough deal. Most agents agree it's a bad idea, though it's your call.

    The history also went over my head, but that's an irrelevancy because I'm not your intended audience!

    I think the query, ultimately, lacks clarity--as the other mentors have said. Who, what, why: these are the bread and bones of your query letter. What does your MC really want and what's stopping her from getting it?

    Re: the opening, if this were a published book, I wouldn't get much further than that opening paragraph. It also lacks clarity. As the others have said, there's a lot of telling going on here. I'm not opposed to telling, necessarily, but I think you've fallen into the trap of info-dumping in lieu of setting the scene with an interesting moment and sensory information.

    Cheers,
    Lisa.

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  11. Hey there!

    Query:
    You've got romance and mystery--which is great. A lot of agents are looking for that and to be honest, I was too. I just couldn't find it amidst your query. t really hope that by following the advice of the other mentors, you'll be able to work your story's main character, what she wants, and the stakes involved into a clear concise query.

    Make sure you keep you MC as the main focus in the query--ESPECIALLY the intro paragraph. I was thrown off by having three names in those first few sentences. I would start by talking about Beth getting the cushy new temp job and then go into all the things that start to come up as a result of it.

    Ted sounds interesting and quite dynamic. I love the idea of him being handsome but maybe a little dangerous. Play on that but just make sure the sentences are clear and not all over the place.

    FIRST 250:

    What if I answered: "People don't appreciate being told they're wrong, even in academia. With two degrees only useful for life as a professor – and having turned any scholastic bridges into charcoal – I became an office temp. But I've always longed for a permanent position where truth is valued."
    NOTE: This doesn't work for me, but I like what you're going for and I like the underlying humor. I would tighten that up--simplify and get right into it: You're highly intelligent and you hate to be told you're wrong. You spent a crap ton of time in school and now you're working as a temp. Get to the point but with your eloquence--but not too much. ; ) Hope that makes sense.

    No, Beth. No. The longer I sat in my car outside the imposing gates to the Campbell’s Potomac estate, the more idiotic became my imagined interview answers. I wanted to sound like a principled teller of truth, not a pain in the ass. Of course, Mom insisted I was more frequently the latter, but I couldn’t think now about all the shortcomings she perceived in me.
    NOTE: See, you have humor in here. Use that. I would recommend reading your lines out loud or having someone else read them to make sure they flow and sound good to you. Sometimes just tweaking a word or rearranging a phrase can make a HUGE difference.
    I lacked a polished spiel. This was my first shot at a permanent position, and it had come without much time to prepare. I had to finesse the issue. Miss Brooks, owner of Capitol Temporary Services, claimed I shouldn't mention my degrees to potential employers lest I seem too overqualified or snooty to tackle their grunt work. My defense-attorney dad said the same thing: don't volunteer unfortunate facts.

    I suppose they were right. For instance, I’d told Miss Brooks she’d misnamed the firm. There was no capitol in Columbia, Maryland. Capital was a more accurate and positive word, associated with both useful resources and the hockey team popular in the area. She hadn’t appreciated my knowledge base.
    NOTE: I like this. It shows me who Beth is and what she's like.

    I’d impressed my boss this morning, though. Dorie Campbell, art dealer and luminary of DC society, had called Capitol to say she wanted a new permanent assistant: me.
    NOTE: If there is ANY way you can jazz this up to show that things might be about to really happen for Beth? Or that things now seem great but could possibly go downhill...some kind of reason to make me want to read ahead.

    Hope this makes sense and I know it can be overwhelming but you can do it! I wish you the best in finding a home for your book! : )

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  12. TeamSun mentor Sharon here.

    Query

    A pet peeve of agents is questions in queries. Kill it. Also – bloody doesn’t need to be capitalized for Bloody Campbell as it’s not a name, it’s a description (at least that’s how it appears.

    I’m find the query a bit jumbled. There are too many people and too much happening in it. Take it back to its basic form.

    The stakes also needs to be clearer as well. The stakes are only implied here.

    But it does sound like a pretty cool and intriguing premise.

    Opening

    I found the opening sentence too convoluted and not overly grabbing. You want a sentence that draws the reader in. Show her desperation for the fulltime position. Something like:

    This is my last chance. Or at least that’s how it feels. If I blow this interview…

    Then I was a bit confused as it sounds like she’s prepping for an interview then I read further down and she has been offered a permanent position already.



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  13. Just a reminder to take the feedback that works for you when revising for the agent round. It’s a lot to take in, but you’re the expert on your story and know best. If you have any questions about the next round you may ask here or on twitter.

    Thought you’d like to know why you were picked. Besides the fact that I love Scottish history, I liked the idea of a mystery romance and your query shows me there are many angles to explore. The first page gave me a great sense of the MC, a little insecure, a little desperate. Who can resist a girl sitting in her car and imagining answers to fictitious interview questions?

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  14. I love mysteries and your query gives great hints about your story. I think you should trim some of the characters from your query, as I had to read it several times. I would also get rid of the question at the beginning of the query. I've read many agent articles and they all agree that they hate questions in queries.

    As for your 1st 250, I love her pep talk in the first paragraph. I would revise the first sentence to show that.

    Good luck!

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  15. Hey there. #teamsun mentor sneaking over to #teamsnow to check out the competition. :) Love the premise of this, and you've got some great advice already. One thing I'll chime in with is having to reread the query to figure out what's really at stake, and I'm still not entirely sure what is. That last line of the query should hook the reader with the stakes. What big decision does your MC have to make? What's her goal? What does she stand to lose? The long standing family feud thing is vague as well. I love that she's an academic and knows all about history, including her family's own. Give us more of a sense of what this history is and why she would distrust a Campbell, even if he's a hottie hotterson. :) Good luck!

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  16. Hi, fellow Team Snow member here. Following are my suggestions, for what they are worth.

    What kind of job would she be getting with that kind of degree?

    "However, the last time a Macdonald trusted the Bloody Campbells" wouldn't it be "a Bloody Campbell"?

    "Perhaps Beth could try to disregard history, too." What else is she disregarding?

    The query seems to end abruptly to me.

    Good luck in the agent round!

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  17. Hi, I'm a fellow Team Snow member.

    I love the premise and would definitely pick up your book.

    Regarding the query...I would not start with a question. It would be more effective if you could somehow combine the information in the first two sentences together. BTW...I like the idea of mentioning the PhD early.
    I had a hard time keeping track of the names and I must admit I'm not too familiar with Scottish history. I skimmed over that info.

    Regarding the 250 words...Loved your voice. It's perfect without the first paragraph.

    Good luck in the next round!

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  18. I agree with the others, no questions in a query (I've made that mistake too). And I love the line: the last time a Macdonald trusted the Bloody Campbells, the Glencoe Massacre followed. THAT is your hook. Use it. Your writing is good. This sounds like a mystery so I'm in! Good luck!

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  19. Hi! Fellow Team Snow member, here. You've already got a lot of great comments, but I just wanted to add one more vote for more clarity on stakes in the query. What happens if Beth fails to find out what's going on with her shady employer?

    I loved your excerpt once I got past the first paragraph, though I had to re-read that a few times because I initially couldn't figure out what was happening. I adore your MC already and am rooting for her.

    Good luck in the agent round!

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  20. Critique faerie today.
    First let me say, that I love this premise. You know being of Scottish descent and all. I love that the MC is sort of a Sheldon-esque(Big Bang Theory if you're wondering) girl with her bluntness and knowledge! Right on!
    The first thing I will say is that this line is your HOOK - The last time a MacDonald trusted a bloody Campbell, the Glencoe Massacre followed.
    Bam! I'm sold.
    Now, the rest of the query is confusing. Tighten and choose choice words, even thematic words. I think another critique mentioned sticking to the basics. Goal, Motivation, Conflict and what's at stake.
    The 250 words. I'm going to be a little blunt. I don't think this is starting in the right place. Like mentioned by others, I had to reread the opening paragraph to realize she was talking to herself. Then we sort of get a backstory dump about her past and how this is her last chance at a well-paying job. I like her humor, but it feels like telling. I almost want to tell you start with the meeting between these two women, but ultimately you have to choose where the story starts.
    I was also left wondering why Beth isn't more surprised that this woman has asked for her?? I know she's more concerned with impressing her boss after rubbing her the wrong way, but doesn't she even wonder why she was chosen specifically?
    I can't wait to see how you incorporate everyone's suggestions.
    ~Good Luck~

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  21. SnowMentor Matt Sinclair of Elephant's Bookshelf here: I'll echo what several others have said. The line that catches attention is the one about the bloody Campbells (and we Sinclairs aren't too fond of Campbells either ;-)

    It takes too long to get to the conflict in the query, and the first 250 comes across as a bit of back story dump. We need to get to know Beth. The second paragraph does that better than the first.

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  22. Your query gets me every time I read it. So much voice!

    Good Luck!

    #Team Sun Leader Amy

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  23. Teammate #6 here, stopping by to wish you luck with revisions and the agent round! I'd love to connect on Twitter, so I can keep up with you after the contest! @kranky_crow

    Let's blow Team Sun away!

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