Thursday, January 23, 2014

SVS 3: ARTHUR & THE HEADLESS KNIGHTS OF THE FLYING ROUND TABLE, MG Science Fiction

Title: ARTHUR & THE HEADLESS KNIGHTS OF THE FLYING ROUND TABLE
Genre: MG Arthurian retelling with a sci-fi twist
Word Count: 60,000

My Main Character is most uncomfortable with: 

Sun, I despise the sun. The big ball of heat roasts the moat, and everyone of Camelot's privys plop into that foul, brown water surrounding the castle. The stench makes you want to wear a perfumed cloth over your snotbox, but you can't because only girls wear perfume. So best breathe by the mouth and pray that a steamy onslaught of stench doesn't crawl through an arrowslit into your bedchamber.   

Query:

Dear Agent:

Twelve-year-old Prince Arthur dreams of wielding The Sword in the Stone, so he can dash to “ye old pawn shoppe” to swop the blade for a guitar. But for this to happen, Arthur must first lead Camelot’s pages to victory in paintegg combat against Prince “Big Ears” Elgbert of Cornwall. Even though the Cornish hench-hen is a year older and renowned for foul play in the annual tournament, Arthur is determined to succeed. Because this year, if the captain of the winning team doesn’t get gobsmacked by an egg filled with paint, he’ll be awarded a rare attempt to brandish the legendary sword. If Arthur prevails, he plans to fulfill his lifelong ambition and become a wandering minstrel. 

But before this year’s champion can claim his prize, Saxons threaten Cornwall. Camelot’s King Luther mobilizes the army to help his beleaguered ally. Unknowingly, this leaves Arthur and the pages of Camelot pitted against a second invasion. Mechanized, headless knights driven by little green men from the planet Leprechaun land on Stonehenge in a giant, flying round table. But instead of attacking, they start abducting Camelot’s subjects, including Arthur’s sisters in a quest to uncover practitioners in the medieval science of magic. If Arthur doesn’t find a way to stop the conniving Leprechauns, they may have to change the name of Camelot to Camefew.



First 250 words:


My sister Fay guided me through a secret tunnel—which stayed secret thanks to her making me wear an executioner’s hood with eyeholes facing the rear. 
Rats squealed as she maneuvered me through another puddle. They must have recognized Fay, because they scurried ahead faster than a fox leaving a henhouse with takeout. A rumored shortage of rat tails, the key ingredient for casting spells in Fay’s also rumored magic practice, kept Camelot’s rodent community on high alert.
Inspired by my blindness, I sang until ribbed to stop. “Ouch.” 
Fay’s—pointier than a rat’s nose—elbow, disliked my singing Three Blind Mice. The mice’s bigger cousins, fleeing us, despised her carving knife. And nobody fancied my dream of becoming a minstrel. 
“Why drag me along?” I asked.

“So the cow slayer doesn’t catch me.”

I yanked my makeshift blindfold off. “How? I don’t have a sword.”
“No worries. I can run faster than you. Besides, you’re madder than a bag of ferrets, if you think I’ld let you carry a sharp object in the dark.”

Great. Hoodwinked into missing Saturday Night Juggling to become beast bait.
Soon afterwards we reached a ladder leading to the surface and climbed into a tree hollow. Outside the gnarly hole, Fay’s breath fogged. “We’re here.”

I scratched my head beneath branches besieged with mistletoe, gongoozling at a moonlit meadow ringed with giant rocks. “Where’s here?”
“Stonehenge.”

“Road apples! Stonehenge takes three days by horse.”

“Great tunnel, don’t you think?”

22 comments:

  1. Hi, author of ARTHUR & THE HEADLESS KNIGHTS...! Mentor Sarah Marsh here. Your title made me smile, which is tough to do on a Thursday morning! I love Arthurian legend and sci-fi, but never thought of putting them together--so creative.

    In your query, I think you need "swap" instead of "swop"--unless that's a purposeful medieval spelling or something, in which case, please ignore me ;) I do think, though, that you should lose the quotes around "ye old pawn shoppe" and write it as Ye Old Pawn Shoppe instead. In the next line, I'd nix "But for this to happen," in favor of something a little shorter, like "But first, Arthur must lead..." Side note: Prince Big Ears made me laugh! Well played. In the second paragraph, I have just one nitpick, and it's with the last line. "If Arthur doesn’t find a way to stop the conniving Leprechauns, they may have to change the name of Camelot to Camefew." Here, I think you should say something like "the name of their kingdom/country/planet from Camelot to Camefew." LOVE your use of language here. I felt immersed in the story just from reading the query, and if the pages match the tone of the query, you're in great shape already!

    In your first 250, the first question that came to mind is: can your poor MC breathe in that backwards-facing hood? I bet it's hot under there! Something you might want to mention. Love the "fox leaving a henhouse with takeout" bit...paints such a vivid picture. The line "Fay's also rumored magic practice" did trip me up a bit though. It made me pause to wonder what sort of magic Fay does, but also whether Arthur knows if her practice really is more than just a rumor. Perhaps there's another way to word this? In the line where Arthur is ribbed to stop singing, I strongly suggest adding just a line or two of his song before Fay makes him hush. It would help ground your readers in the story more. Last note: "Road apples!" is a fantastic curse.

    Good luck with this, and thanks for making me smile this morning!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello, this is mentor Vicki Lemp Weavil. (Sorry I forgot to mention that in my first two comments on entries, but yes, I am a TEAM SNOW mentor!
    Query --
    "Twelve-year-old Prince Arthur dreams of wielding (is "wielding" the right word here? He doesn't actually want to wield it, he just wants to acquire it) The Sword in the Stone, so he can dash to “ye old pawn shoppe” (yes, maybe drop the quotes and capitalize these words) to swop (I know this is a voicey thing, but I would use "swap" so agents don't confuse it with misspelling) the blade for a guitar. But for this to happen, ("But first" might work better here) Arthur must first lead Camelot’s pages to victory in paintegg combat (I kept thinking a word was missing here. Maybe think of rephrasing slightly -- "... a paintegg battle" perhaps?) against Prince “Big Ears” Elgbert of Cornwall. Even though the Cornish hench-hen is a year older and renowned for foul play in the annual tournament, Arthur is determined to succeed. Because this year, if the captain of the winning team doesn’t get gobsmacked by an egg filled with paint, he’ll be awarded a rare attempt to brandish the legendary sword. (Again, knowing the legends, this makes me ask the question -- is the Sword already pulled from the stone/lake? Consider clarifying this). If Arthur prevails, he plans to fulfill his lifelong ambition and become a wandering minstrel."

    Okay, so basically -- with a few tweaks, I think the first paragraph works, although with all the bird references I began to wonder if these characters were actually chickens? (Not trying to be silly, I really did wonder for a moment, esp. with the "hench-hen" reference).

    The next paragraph is more problematic. It throws so much info. at the reader, it's difficult to keep it all straight. It also starts to sound more like a recitation of events -- more like a synopsis than a query. I think you need to trim this paragraph down to its essence -- what is the primary thing at stake? Consider focusing on just the attack of the aliens and Arthur and crew battling them and what it means if they lose. The details about Cornwall, etc. aren't absolutely necessary here -- just indicate that Arthur must lead the pages, etc. against these aliens. Also -- is there any way to bring in the concept of the aliens earlier? Maybe in a hook before the first paragraph? We don't know that this is also scifi until the very end of the query and I think that is too late.

    First 250 --

    I really loved your voice and think the first 250 words are actually much stronger than the query at this point. I did question the sentence about Fay's elbow -- can an elbow actually dislike singing? :-) Also, I don't think you need the comma after "...madder than a bag of ferrets..."

    Overall, the 250 words work for me. Very humorous and fun. I would concentrate on the query at this point.

    Look forward to reading this again after your revisions!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Team Snow mentor Kat here!

    First of all, I'm still laughing about 'snotbox' :)

    Query: When I read the first paragraph, I thought it started really well - I knew what Arthur wanted, what he needed to do to get it...I was just waiting for the stakes in paragraph 2, but then it seemed to veer into a different story. I get the impression that the Saxon invasion is the real story, so I'd suggest you spend less time on the paintegg set-up and cut to the Saxons sooner. The first paragraph does have a humorous tone, though, which doesn't carry as strongly in the second paragraph, so if you can bring this out more throughout I think it will add a lot to your query.

    First 250: You have great voice, and it starts in a great place. While I love a lot of your word choices, though, I'm not sure how easy it is to follow really rare ones like 'gongoozling' (and I think this can only be used when there is a canal nearby, but could be wrong... just please don't anybody else look it up in the urban dictionary. Not sure I'll ever recover from that).

    The sentence 'Fay’s—pointier than a rat’s nose—elbow, disliked my singing Three Blind Mice.' could be reworked to make it flow more smoothly, but I do like the image it creates.

    The voice throughout the first 250 is funny and smart, and I really enjoyed it.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow! This sounds like an interesting and fun story -- one that my 11 year old would LOVE!

    Keep in mind that I don't read a lot of scifi or MG, so take my advice with a grain of salt. My main issue with your query is that there's so much in there. And not only are you covering a lot of plot points, but you're also using a lot of specific language that stops me as I'm reading it (like paintegg, Cornish hench-hen, etc.). This language is great for setting up the feel of your ms, so I'd advise you keep it in, but there's so much that it confuses me as I read the query. One or two cute terms is great, but more than three and I feel like I need to keep a thesaurus handy.

    But more than that, I'd really shorten and tighten your query. Is the paintegg competition really important? Or is the battle with the Saxons? If the paintegg is a set up for the battle, it can be reduced to one sentence. I know your story is complicated and layered, but if you make your query too complicated and layered, I'd be concerned that someone who has a whole pile of them will just skip this one.

    But definitely keep some of those great terms because they show what an inventive and fun voice your manuscript has.
    And I can definitely see that in your first 250! Great job!

    Natalie
    Team Snow

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mentor of Team Snow, Copernicus Nerd here! It's all subjective in this grand 'ol writing world of ours, but I hope whatever I have to say helps out at least a little!

    You had me at the title. Seriously - I'm not a kid ( just a kid at heart ), and I would DEVOUR THIS BOOK!

    Starting with your query, I think the key thing here is to trim it down as much as you possibly you can. Feel free to leave in some those great terms (gobsmacked had me rolling), but we don't want them to get lost with so much information. The thing is to shorten it and break down using the following query guideline (some people use other methods, but following this helped me the most in the past) - Start with your hook, move on to your conflict and stakes, and what happens if your MC doesn't succeed. A nice 3 paragraph set up that you can work with. This will let you break things down easier, so we don't get lost in the mix. I see a lot of good things in the query, but I just want them to be more clear cut. The worst thing you want to happen is to have someone feel that they need to re-read a query. You only get one shot!

    One thing I would say, is that the voice is pretty killer in it. The terminology is epic (but once again, don't use too much!), but lets get down to the basics. I want a clear understanding of your story!

    Onward to your 250, you've got such a strong voice here, I'd be hesitant to change much so I just had a few suggestions :

    Gongoozling threw me off a bit lol. But if you're trying to make up your own setting lingo, then go for it! I would just be careful not to use too much (not sure how the rest of the MS), as I'd probably need to start keeping track of them myself, ha!

    I feel like the line "Inspired by my blindness, I sang until ribbed to stop." doesn't really fit the MG age group. Seems a little mature for a kid to think this, but that may just be me. You know how subjectivity is!

    Anyway, like I said the 250 is great so far and I think the real work just needs to come in the query. You're writing style is catchy and whimsical and it's drawing me into a very humorous world.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi, Snow mentor here! I have to say, I was immediately hooked by your title. It made me grin and it shows the twists on the story so well.
    Query:
    You’ve got excellent voice here and a great tone for MG. Just a few suggestions:
    Swop= swap
    Hench-hen: this confused me—wasn’t sure why he was being called a hen
    I’m unclear on why brandishing the sword allows him the ability to become a wandering minstrel- I’d make the connection clearer.
    Paragraph 2 is an excellent twist! Fun adventure and competition that turns serious. Love it.
    Comma needed after “sisters.”
    “Camefew” at the end threw me a little. I had to read it twice to get it, and while normally I think the humor would work great, as the final line I want something serious, since the issue is serious. The tone is full of great humor and determination, so I think it’s clear enough that’s the tone of your book. Instead of ending on a joke like that, I’d show the real stakes. If Arthur doesn’t find a way to stop them… what will happen? End it on a punch, and this will be excellent! It’s got great voice and really sharp focus. Nice work!
    250:
    I love the mention of rat tails. Super fun 
    I was fine with the elbow comment—it made sense to me. I wasn’t sure about the connection to becoming a minstrel. How does it relate to the previous lines? It seemed thrown in there to me.
    “gongoozling” doesn’t contribute, for me. It’s big enough and odd enough that it draws too much attention to itself and distracts me from the story. I’d like to stay focused on what’s happening.
    Finally, I wonder if you could trim out that first line. The specifics of the rats and the puddle is much more interesting, and it shows us the action rather than telling us a fact. The fact you have as a first line becomes clear the further we read, and you could sprinkle in those details without having to dedicate your first line to them.
    From the query, I can tell this tunnel is going to be important, so excellent job having your first page start with something like so important. The voice here is really fun and adventurous; spot-on for MG! Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I also love the title and the feel and how obvious it is that you've created a really fun MG world. (One I would love to read, BTW)

    So the query just feels so frenetic. You've gotten some great specifics here, but I think I reached my max attainable information in the first paragraph. I'd make it simple: he wants to be a wandering minstrel, but some paint-egg wielding bullies stand in his way of etc etc etc. Then try to get to the invasion in the first paragraph. Because it seems to me that that is where a lot of the conflict is.

    First 250: I love the mean older sister. I was so her when I was younger. (My poor little brother). Love that you have funny lingo that even if it isn't Arthurian for reals, it feels totally legit. I happen to be in love with quirky Middle Grade books, so this would have me wanting more. (I JUST read The Time Warp Trio books to my son, and I think this would appeal to readers of those books-if you're looking for comp titles). Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi, friend. Team Snow mentor here.

    QUERY:

    I'm confused. And that was my prevailing reaction for the entire query. To echo what others have already said, there is so much happening there that I'm not sure what's important or what your story is really about. When I ran into similar problems with my query letter (for a YA fantasy novel that has 7 POV characters, zoinks!), I made a list of points I WANTED to mention in the query to help me narrow down what I HAD to mention. Those two things aren't always the same. I loved my story, as I'm sure you love yours, and it's hard to whittle down the bits you like to find what's truly necessary for a pitch, but sometimes, you've got to kill your darlings.

    EXCERPT:

    I'm having much the same problem with your first 250. I'm mostly just confused. Admittedly, I don't read very much MG, so I'll leave discussion of voice up to the other mentors, but I just don't really know what's going on here.

    I think this part if where you can take the opportunity to clear some things up for your reader:

    “Why drag me along?” I asked.

    “So the cow slayer doesn’t catch me.”

    Good question. Why are they in the tunnel? Who/what is the cow slayer? Why Stonehenge? Use your dialogue to evoke a scene and inform your reader. That way, you can pass along information without info dumping.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi!

    Another mentor here.

    I'm gonna echo what everyone else is saying. Paragraph one starts well, but paragraph two veers off into another direction. The thing with queries is that it's an impossibility to distil a novel, right? It's very hard to step away from our book baby and look at objectively and think: "what is this book really about?" and then pare that into three succinct paragraphs.

    I think you have the bones of a great query here, but you need to refocus and rework it to get to actual meat of the story.

    Your first 250 intrigued me. There is a little confusion and the vernacular is somewhat off-putting, but I'd certainly read on to see what was going on.

    A note: Fay’s—pointier than a rat’s nose—elbow, <---that sentence is a clunker. Consider revising.

    Cheers,
    Lisa.

    ReplyDelete
  10. QUERY:
    This looks so fun but, like the other mentors, I felt like there was a little TOO much. I stripped it down a bit and hope you'll consider some of my suggestions!
    I copy and pasted and moved a couple things around. It's all subjective, so, take anything you like and totally ignore and curse at me under your breath about the things you don't.

    Twelve-year-old Prince Arthur dreams of wielding The Sword in the Stone, so he can dash to “Ye Old Pawn Shoppe” to swap the blade for a (insert fun word here) guitar and become a wandering minstrel. But first, Arthur's gotta lead Camelot’s pages to victory in paintegg combat against Prince “Big Ears” Elgber of Cornwall. Even though Big Ears is a year older and renowned for foul play in the annual tournament, Arthur is determined to succeed. Because this year, if the captain of the winning team doesn’t get gobsmacked by a paint-filled egg, he’ll be awarded the rare attempt to brandish the legendary sword.

    But before this year’s champion can claim his prize, Saxons threaten Cornwall. Camelot’s King Luther mobilizes the army to help his beleaguered ally, leaving Arthur and the pages pitted against a second invasion. Soon enough, little green men of Planet Leprechaun land on Stonehenge and begin a crazy kidnapping spree. The subjects of Camelot begin to disappear one by one, including Arthur’s sisters. If Arthur can't find a way to stop the Leprechauns, they may have to change the name of Camelot to Camefew. (Love this last bit!)

    FIRST 250:
    I threw in a couple notes in here as well. Overall, this story sounds really fun. Just sharpen it up by getting rid of a few cumbersome words/phrases and you'll do great!

    My sister Fay guided me through a secret tunnel—which stayed secret thanks to her making me wear an executioner’s hood with eyeholes facing the rear.
    (I like this beginning!) I will note, though, that executioner's hood threw my 12 year old off for a second. He wanted me to tell you to use some video game reference but meh--that won't work either!

    Rats squealed as she maneuvered (USE PUSHED instead) me through another puddle. They must have recognized Fay, because they scurried ahead faster than a fox leaving a henhouse with takeout. A rumored shortage of rat tails, the key ingredient for casting spells in Fay’s also rumored magic practice, kept Camelot’s rodent community on high alert. (REWORK this last sentence--it's a little long-winded)

    Inspired by my blindness, I sang until FAYE JAMMED HER POINTY ELBOW INTO MY SIDE. “Ouch.”
    Fay disliked my rendition of Three Blind Mice. The mice’s bigger cousins, fleeing us, despised her carving knife. And nobody fancied my dream of becoming a minstrel.
    (Elaborate on minstrel because most MGers won't know what that means.)

    “Why drag me along?” I asked.

    “So the cow slayer doesn’t catch me.”

    I yanked my makeshift blindfold off. “How? I don’t have a sword.”

    “No worries. I can run faster than you. Besides, you’re CRAZIER than a bag of ferrets, if you think I’ld let you carry a sharp object in the dark.”

    Great. Hoodwinked into missing Saturday Night Juggling to become beast bait.

    Soon afterwards we reached a ladder leading to the surface and climbed into a tree hollow. Outside the gnarly hole, Fay’s breath fogged. “We’re here.”

    I scratched my head beneath branches besieged with mistletoe, gongoozling (OMIT and CHANGE BESIEGED OR GONGOOZLING--IMO, it'll throw kids off) at a moonlit meadow ringed with giant rocks. “Where’s here?”

    “Stonehenge.”

    “Road apples! Stonehenge takes three days by horse.”

    “Great tunnel, don’t you think?”

    ReplyDelete
  11. TeamSun mentor Sharon here.

    Query

    There’s way too much backstory going on in this query and you need to get to the SciFi aspect sooner.

    I would recommend:

    Twelve-year-old Prince Arthur dreams of winning The Sword in the Stone at the annual paintegg combat tournament so he can dash to “ye old pawn shoppe” to swap the blade for a guitar and fulfill his life long ambition to become a wandering minstrel.

    When the tournament is interrupted by war in a neighbouring nation, Arthur is left to defend Camelot from a second invasion of little green men from the planet Leprechaun. Arriving in a flying round table and armed with mechanized, headless knights, the aliens start abducting Camelot’s subjects, including Arthur’s sisters. If Arthur doesn’t find a way to stop the conniving Leprechauns, they may have to change the name of Camelot to Camefew.

    Opening

    There’s a good voice here. I just wanted the opening sentence to grab me more. To be more dramatic or have more action.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Just a reminder to take the feedback that works for you when revising for the agent round. It’s a lot to take in, but you’re the expert on your story and know best. If you have any questions about the next round you may ask here or on twitter.

    Thought you’d like to know why you were picked. I've seen a lot of 4th grade boys sticking to nonfiction sports books and freaky facts books. I think this book has a shot at winning them over! The query may be a little busy, but it's busting with voice. Rats, road apples, tunnels all in the first 250. The pace is brisk and that works for MG.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I agree with Michelle. With some simplifying and action and objects that will make even the boys giggle (rats for example but it's used 2-3 times through the 250). Also Ami always has the best info so you can learn a lot from her and adapt as needed. Good job! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  14. #teamsun mentor here checking on how #teamsnow is doing! Oh how I love anything Arthurian. So yeah, you had me at the title. And I love the paintballing with the eggs. This entry is filled with fun. You've got great advice already, so all I'll chime in with is the idea of simplifying/tightening up the query and 250 for the MG appeal. I'm definitely rooting for this entry. Fun, fun stuff! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi, fellow Team Snow member here. Following are my suggestions, for what they are worth.

    "including Arthur’s sisters in a quest" I *think* there should be a comma between "sisters" and "in"

    The last line of the query made me laugh out loud. I love it.

    Good luck in the agent round!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I had to pop over from team sun to tell you how much I love your premise! I wish I'd come up with it! :D

    I won't echo what others have said, but I'm sure you're going to do well with this. Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Is the story about the invasion or the paint contest? I know you are mixing the Disney version of Sword in the Stone with sci fi but it confused me. I love the name change for Fay and her fascination with rats. I'd drop the "takeout" part, it jarred me out of the medieval-tone into modern day, unless this is present day? If so, it needs to be clearer. And if you want to leave it in, the British say, "takeaway" instead of "takeout." Your 250 is good. I agree that you need to show us Arthur singing a bit of the song. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Query and pages are great. I like that right out of the box on page one we get a sense of voice and conflict!

    Well done and good luck!

    #Team Sun Leader Amy

    ReplyDelete
  19. Critique Faerie dropping in.
    Let me first say that your 250 words are wonderful. For Middle Grade, Arthur's voice just nails it. I love his comments about Fay and the rats. Even though I know the legend and the history, it just feels fresh and I get the strong sense of brotherly-sisterly mischief here.
    For the query, I agree with Kathleen. Is this story about the contest or the alien takeover? I think if you pare the first paragraph down like Sharon suggested and then focus on the alien threat and Arthur's choices and stakes, it will be even stronger.
    Great Job and Good Luck!

    ReplyDelete
  20. A fellow Team Snow member here. I think you have a great voice and a clever, entertaining premise. My only suggestion (other than the spelling and punctuation points already made) is to be a bit more sparing with your cleverness in the query and first 250. Less is sometimes more. There were so many cute bits it seemed frenetic to me.

    But then, I'm not a regular reader of MG, so take my comment with all due skepticism. Good luck. I love retellings.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Teammate #6 here, stopping by to wish you luck with revisions and the agent round! I'd love to connect on Twitter, so I can keep up with you after the contest! @kranky_crow

    Let's blow Team Sun away!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Teammate #10 here, wishing you good luck as well!

    ReplyDelete