Thursday, November 20, 2014

Fall 1st Hop Critique 7

I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

The hop is now closed. Be sure to finish up your critiques. Writers at the beginning and ending of the list should critique each other. If you have a revision, you can ask for feedback on the #Fall1stHop hashtag. 
Query Hop coming in December so stay tuned!
The random number generator picks 36!

Here is the first page without comments:

MG Action-Adventure


The mess hall smells like tortillas.


"Mexican food!" I dash inside, just to make sure it's actually Mexican food and not Russian like last time. Sometimes the cooks like to keep us on our toes. “You’re training to be spies,” they tell us. “Check before you make assumptions.”


Only at the United States Spying Association School would the cooks tell us to “check before making assumptions.”


My heart leaps when I see the spread of food. Rows of enchiladas and tortillas and tacos and burritos and Spanish rice lay out in front of me like a giant, gorgeous, glittering rainbow.


MEXICAN FOOD!!!!!!!


"YES!" I pump my fist in the air. Several people stare at me as I run back to my spot in line, but I ignore them.


Without looking up from his book--ew, it's Crime and Punishment--Alexander Joyner asks me, "So, is it actually Mexican food?"


"Yes! This school year is kicking off to a great start!" I bounce on my toes, grabbing a couple paper plates and distributing them: one for Alexander, who somehow manages to keep his book open with one hand; one for Jackie Davis, who's staring off into space as usual; and two for me, because I always get too much food and the paper plates are really flimsy.


"Better get three," Harold McCarthy says from in front of me without turning his head.


I stick out my tongue at the back of his head and grab a third plate.


With my crazy comments:
MG Action-Adventure


The mess hall smells like tortillas. Interesting that it says mess hall and not lunch room for an MG. That's a good kind of question to raise. But wouldn't tortillas have a lot less smell to them, than say, the spicy meat?


"Mexican food!" I dash inside, just to make sure it's actually Mexican food and not Russian like last time. Sometimes the cooks likepull a fast one (Because 'like' is less interesting and you used 'like' in the last sentence.) to keep us on our toes. “You’re training to be spies,” they tell us. “Check before you make assumptions.”


Only at the United States Spying Association School would the cooks tell us to “check before making assumptions.” (This directly repeats what's already been said. Try wording it differently.) Only at the United States Spying Association School can food smells lead you wrong.


My heart leaps when I see at (filtering) the spread of food. Rows of enchiladas and tortillas, and tacos and burritos, and Spanish rice lay out in front of me like in a giant, gorgeous, glittering rainbow.


MEXICAN FOOD!!!!!!! (I directly heard an editor at a writer conference during the 1st page critique time slot say to avoid doing this with exclamation points. Show the excitement with your prose and not the punctuation. Maybe something about how his stomach rumbles or his mouth drools. MG kids like drool.) Or even better, just use the fist pump from below and cut this.


"YES!" I pump my fist in the air. Several people Heads turn to stare at me as I run back to my spot in line, but I ignore them.


Without looking up from his book--ew, it's Crime and Punishment(I'd think it wouldn't matter so much what book, just the fact that he's reading to begin with.)--Alexander Joyner asks me, "So, is it actually Mexican food?" Interesting that he can't be bothered to look. That wouldn't really make a very good spy who I assume would have to be curious.


"Yes.! This school year is kicking off to a great start.!" I bounce on my toes, grabbing a couple of paper plates and distributing them: one for Alexander, who somehow manages to keep his book open with one hand; one for Jackie Davis, who's staring off into space as usual; and two for me, because I always get too much food and the paper plates are really flimsy.


"Better get three," Harold McCarthy says from in front of me without turning his head.


I stick out my tongue (I think rolling his eyes would be enough. The sticking out of his tongue seems too juvenile for MG.) at the back of his head and grab a third plate.

I can't really grab onto it, but I feel like something is missing here. We get that the character is very attached to Mexican food, but that's about all we know that he/she cares about. I do think you are wise not to get into why the character is at the school yet.

She/He's got a few friends as witnessed by the plate grabbing. But s/he acts younger than the MG age group because of the enthusiasm. I'm afraid such enthusiasm would get tiresome if it covers a whole book. Not to sound rough, but it makes the character seem a little cartoonish. 

Is there a reason s/he's so happy for the meal? Has it been long since s/he ate? Or long since s/he ate Mexican? What's motivating it? Giving a reason would help make the character seem more real.  

4 comments:

  1. I love the concept of a spy school where the students have to constantly "be on their toes." I think this has a lot of potential. However, I do agree with Michelle that the voices seems younger than MG in places, especially the sticking the tongue out part. Always remember that kids read up - they like reading about characters older than them. For example, a 9 year old would prefer reading about 11-13 year olds.

    I wish we knew a little more about the MC, such as gender and name. Overall, I am interested in seeing where this goes. Good job!

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  2. My first thought was that I wasn't sure what Tortilla's actually smelled like. Do they have much smell? I might change this for something more smelly like nacho cheese or spicy ground beef.

    Seems like a lot of time was spent on the mexican food and the flimsiness of the paper plates, is this an important detail to the story? Is there a reason why the mc likes mexican food so much?

    Finally, I thought it was a lot of characters to introduce right away. Are these characters important to the story or just students that are minor acquaintances? I don't think I would remember much of the details about any of them or be able to keep them straight. Alexander and Jackie we get one detail and Harold nothing. I'd think about maybe introducing one character in this section and let us get to know that person before moving on to the others.

    Just some thoughts. I agree that this is a great concept. Good luck with this!

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  3. I would just like to say that the idea of kids at a spy school has so much potential and yet it feels like you're wasting all that in the opening by being excited about Mexican food. I'm sure most kids can understand the fun of taco day at school, but it's not that interesting to read about. I can imagine so many cool things about spying school that would work: lock-picking class, secret gadget lab, hacking courses, combat training. Why start at lunch, the most boring part of the day?

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  4. If they are corn tortillas (especially if they're soft/fried) they definitely have a wonderful smell! I think you can condense the whole Mexican food scene and then have room to hook the reader more. Good luck!

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