Friday, November 21, 2014

Fall 1st Hop Critique 8

I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

The hop is now closed. Be sure to finish up your critiques. Writers at the beginning and ending of the list should critique each other. If you have a revision, you can ask for feedback on the #Fall1stHop hashtag. 
Query Hop coming in December so stay tuned!
The random number generator picks 9! We seem to be hitting a lot of low numbers.

Here is the first page without comments:

YA/Paranormal Revision #2: Updated 11/10/14 
“I Fold.” Spence set his cards down on the table. It was Ms. Edith and me now. I gave her my best poker face, not wanting to reveal the pair of aces resting in my hand. Ms. Edith, squinting at her hand, was moving it close to her face, and then farther to get a better view. I cleared my throat and pointed to the eyeglasses that rested neatly on top of her silver curls.

 “Raise a quarter,” she challenged. I pondered her face, and then my own hand.

 “Fold, let’s see ‘em.”
Ms. Edith lay her full house down “pay up Felix,” she stopped short, looking at a spot behind me. Spence and I turned to look.

A light, growing brighter shimmered in the air. Now it was our turn to squint. “Well, it’s about darn time!” Ms. Edith grinned and stood up. Shoving her pile of cash toward Spence and me, she straightened her skirt and walked toward the light. “Bye fellas,” she waved and stepped into the light and disappeared, leaving me gaping after her in shock.

“What just happened?" I asked Spence.
“Edith moved on to a better place,” he said.

"Moved on, how?" I hadn’t seen any spirits move on before, which made me curious; how did we move on and where do we go?
“When we have fulfilled our purpose in the afterlife, we move on to our final place.


“Final place, as in heaven and hell, those are real?”“Wow kid, I figured you knew.”  

With my crazy comments:
YA/Paranormal Revision #2: Updated 11/10/14 
“I Ffold.” Spence set his cards down on the table. It was Ms. Edith and me now. (Maybe combine these? Spence set his cards on the table, leaving Ms. Edith and me.) I gave her my best poker face, not wanting to reveal(cut words and use 'to hide'?) the pair of aces resting in my hand. Ms. Edith, squinting at her hand cards(to avoid repeating 'hand'), was moving it them closer to her face, and then farther to get for a better view. I cleared my throat and pointed to the eyeglasses that rested neatly on top of her silver curls. (Here you could give a hint that she's a ghost, which I learned at the end. glowing, silver curls?)

 “Raise a quarter,” she challenged. I pondered her face, and then my own (I have a hard time cutting the word 'own' too, but it isn't needed.) hand.

 “Fold, let’s see ‘em.”
Ms. Edith lay her full house down.pPay up, Felix,” Sshe stopped short, looking at a spot behind me. Spence and I turned to look. (Looking can be assumed.)

A light, growing brighter shimmered in the air, growing brighter. Now it was our turn to squint. (I think I'd put a paragraph break here.) “Well, it’s about darn time!” Ms. Edith grinned and stood up. Shoving her pile of cash toward Spence and me, she straightened her skirt and walked toward the light. “Bye, fellas.,Sshe waved and stepped into it the light and... disappeared, leaving me gaping after her in shock. 

“What just happened?" I asked Spence. 
“Edith moved on to a better place,” he said.  (You can take off this tag.)

"Moved on, how?" I hadn’t seen any spirits move on before, which made me curious (This is understood.); how did we move on and where do we go? (Here it would be great to get a little more information. Just a sentence or two of quick background information. Does he know many spirits? How long has he known about spirits? Is this something he deals with everyday? Is Spence his mentor/boss what?)
(This needs it's own paragraph. And now you need a tag.) “When we have fulfilled our purpose in the afterlife, we move on to our final place," Spence said.

“Final place, as in heaven and hell?, Tthose are real?”“Wow, kid, I figured you knew.”  

I like how this piece starts with a card game and I love the surprise ending. But I think it suffers from a lack of exposition that could make it so much richer! 

We don't know anything about the character here. Is Spence the boss/mentor of Felix? Felix already knows about ghosts, but yet doesn't know specifics. It's interesting and I wanted more in the 1st page to inform me a little about what was happening. And also maybe a hint that the lady was a ghost.

Pretty good first page and I liked the surprise. Hope this helps. 

6 comments:

  1. Michelle already has a lot of great advice. Here's what else I thought as I read.

    If you make a paragraph break after "she challenged" and put the next two lines in the same paragraph together, we know Felix is the one folding.

    Felix is shocked that Ms. Edith leaves. I find it interesting (and pretty cool) that she herself is NOT surprised, so it makes me wonder how Felix got into this situation. Why is he playing poker with a woman ready to move on? Why does Spence know about it and Felix doesn't? Even if you just hint at these things with a couple sentences, I think it would draw me in more.

    If Ms. Edith is dying because she's ill, it might be good to show it with a tiny bit of physical description, like if she's wearing a nightgown or looks ill or weak.

    Another thing I think is really interesting is the "Wow, kid, I figured you knew." It leaves the answer open to be yes or no. But if Spence really is a mentor, wouldn't that be a basic thing that should have been clarified before they meet up with someone about to move on?

    Good luck with this!

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    1. After checking out comments on the author's blog, I think all three characters are dead. Maybe. An interesting idea.

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  2. I thought this was a great start to a story, I was intrigued right from the get go. I liked how you used the details such as the silver curls and reading glasses to fill us in on Ms. Edith's age.

    When Ms. Edith stepped into the light, I was a little confused. The first thing I thought was that she had just died. Then I thought that she was a ghost. I went back and re-read and thought that ghosts typically aren't able to hold things like cards or straighten their skirts. I think of them as floating though air and slipping through walls. Maybe if she is a ghost, it would be better to say so from the start and show what ghosts can do in this world.

    When I got to the part that said, "How did we move on and where did we go" I began thinking that all three of these people are ghosts?

    I like the idea of not giving readers everything at the beginning, but this seems like an important detail. I think I would have thought about the characters differently had I known they were ghosts. Just a thought.

    Good luck with this!

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  3. This is very intriguing! Michelle has great advice to clean it up, but the premise is pretty cool. I also like the setting that you begin with. Is there a way to put some internalization in? How does the MC feel? It might add a layer of complexity. Also, this is a little nit-pick, but I had to read the line about her glasses on top of her head a couple of times. I wonder if you could reword it slightly: ...the glasses that rested, forgotten on top of... For some reason, the word 'neatly' threw me off.

    Best wishes on your book!
    Shari

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  4. Thank you all for your amazing feedback! I'm revising again. To clear up any questions, the three characters are ghosts. Spence has definately been a ghost longer than Felix but i wouldn't say he is a mentor per say, he is more of a friend. They can play cards, and i go into how that works a little further into the story. I actually researched that by asking my brother ( Pete, and he is a paranormal investigator). He told me that they can move and hold objects by using physical energy, but it would not be something they could do easily without practice (think Patric Swayze in Ghost). I got the idea however from my friend who talks about a ghost in her house that likes to take things like eyeglasses, her watch, and a deck of cards. That's how i decided they would be playing poker, why else would a ghost steal your cards right? I definately think i can add a little more back ground to show who everyone is and how Felix sees them. Again, I love all the feedback, it has and continues to help me improve and write a better story!

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    1. I definitely like that you leave showing they are ghosts until Ms. Edith goes into the light. Do wait until after that to make clear that Felix and Spence are also ghosts.

      And it's your story, you make the rules for the ghosts on whether they can hold things or do things. Just be consistent with it (which this was).

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