Thursday, January 23, 2014

SVS 13: SIDEWALK CHALK, MG Contemporary Fantasy

Title: SIDEWALK CHALK
Genre: MG contemporary fantasy
Word Count: 38,000

My Main Character is most uncomfortable with: 

Working with 3-D chalk on the sidewalk keeps me outside so I have to say snow, sleet, ice, and rain give me the creeps.
While sun comes with crazy temperatures for four months of the year, it also comes with little or no rain.  I can spend my days by the pool waiting for it to cool off.
Snow does have the four seasons and lots of sweatshirt weather, but they also have so much rain it’s like somebody’s turned on fire hydrants from all directions. Chalk doesn’t hold up too well in monsoons.


Query:

Dear Sun-Screen Slathering, Heat Stroke Fighting Sun Goddess, and Long John Wearing, Frostbite Fighting Snow Queen,

In New York City, thirteen-year-old Jake meets Galen, an artist creating brain-meltingly awesome works of 3-D Sidewalk Chalk Art that reveal worlds beneath the streets of New York. In fact, he and his son Liam were on an adventure inside one of the drawings when Liam lost his way.

Jake and his friends Morgan and Dozer learn the secrets to making the perfect pastel and the responsibility that comes along with it. After Dozer runs down the steps into one of the drawings the others follow. Blake the Flake, the most annoying kid in school, catches them coming back out and wanting to make sure he's not missing out on something awesome, decides to find out where the steps lead. The next morning Jakefinds Blake’s boat-sized footprints in the chalk, along with paw prints of the hundreds of creatures that crawled out behind him.
Using weapons of water, an army of their own, and tricks they’ve seen like a thousand times in roadrunner cartoons, Jake and his friends must find the creatures and destroy them. If they fail, New York will be overrun and Liam will be lost forever.





First 250 words:

Sidewalk chalk is only good for two thingsOne is to draw the bases for stickballthe other is to fill the tube socks of your six-foot-eleven-inch older brother so you can beat some of your best friends with it on Halloween.

Or so I thought.

I stumbled on the third and most awesome use for sidewalk chalk when my mom picked me up from Nickledee Middle School and was dragging me halfway down 5th Avenue toward my piano lesson.

Up on 53rd Street there were tons of people standing in front of St. Thomas Church. With my feet moving faster than my brain, I ran toward them, passing my mom and forgetting all about my showdown with that stupid piano.

The crowd kept growing and each one of them had to be ten-feet-tall. Jumping as high as I could, I bobbed up and down like an out of control pogo stick, but I still couldn’t see a thing. With one last gigantic, LeBron-like leap I caught a glimpse of a man on his knees drawing, and next to him was the biggest box of sidewalk chalk I’d ever seen.

Squeezing through the mob, and finally popping out on the other side, I watched his hand move — no, glide — over the sidewalk, first color blocking the chalked outlines, then smoothing the color out, and finally blending it in.

It was awesome!

By the time he was done it looked like the earth had opened up, large chunks of sidewalk had fallen away, and the most amazing world appeared thirty feet below the street.

23 comments:

  1. What a fun concept--MGers and MG fans will love this!

    I was thrown off by the third sentence--I would just stick to Jake, the MC, him loving the art and then discovering that he can go on adventures inside of them. Bringing in Liam and Galen right away gets a little muddy especially since, in my opinion, you can omit them from the query and not lose anything.

    You also have Morgan,. Dozer, and Blake. Right now there are too many character names and identities in the mix. If you go by query guidelines and agent preference, don't name more than two other characters. You can say the class bully or the chalk-artist, but even then, try to refrain from having too many characters. hope this makes sense. : )

    You've got a fun story, just do a re-write leaving out some characters/names and it'll read clearer!

    FIRST 250: Is this historical? Just in case it's not, I'd give the Roadrunner cartoon and stickball a second look. My son is 12 and he wouldn't know RR or the term "stickball," although he has played a lot of outdoor games with his friends.

    In looking at your first 250, I'm noticing that you could sharpen things up just by eliminating a few words here and tweaking a few words there. Your book might read smoother if you omit some longer phrases and words. (You'll also have room to add more as well!) This is just my opinion and a lot of people may not agree so just take from it what you like or totally ignore me. I've been in your place and have done all of the above!

    Here is what I came up:

    Sidewalk chalk is good for two things. One is to draw bases for stickball, the other is to fill the extra-large socks of your extra-tall older brother so you can beat some of your friends with it on Halloween.

    Or so I thought.

    I stumbled on the third and most awesome use for sidewalk chalk when my mom picked me up school to drag me halfway down 5th Avenue toward my piano lesson.

    On 53rd Street there were tons of people standing in front of St. Thomas Church. I ran toward them, passing my mom and forgetting all about my showdown with that stupid piano.

    The crowd kept growing and each one of them had to be ten-feet-tall. With a gigantic, LeBron-like leap I caught a glimpse of a man on his knees drawing, and next to him was the biggest box of sidewalk chalk I’d ever seen.

    Squeezing through the mob, and finally popping out on the other side, I watched his hand move — no, glide — over the sidewalk, first color blocking the chalked outlines, then smoothing the color out, and finally blending it in.

    It was awesome!

    By the time he was done, it looked like Earth had opened up, large chunks of sidewalk had fallen away, and the most amazing world appeared thirty feet below the street.

    And now you have room to show (in 30 words or less) part of what he sees here.
    Wishing you MANY requests on this book. :)

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    Replies
    1. PLEASE ADD: *"from" school in fourth sentence and comma after "53rd Street"

      Delete
  2. The answer to the question confused me a bit. State up front what the character is uncomfortable with. Infuse it with a little voice. I was trying to figure out the wording of the "four months" and "four seasons." Snow has rain? Keep it simple.

    I liked your salutation for getting into the contest, but I might change it for the agent round, just because it took me a bit to actually get into the query letter.

    Wasn't sure at first how old Galen was. I assume he's an adult. (and I assume that it's Galen's son Liam) Why does Galen choose to teach Jake. Why is Jake worthy of this skill? You need a comma after "into the drawing, the others follow." I agree that you name a lot of names. How important is Blake? Because even if you describe him as goofy classmate and describe his giant footprints, we'll get it.

    I absolutely love this premise. Sounds like lots of adventure awaits. And I know exactly the type of art you are talking about! And it is mind-blowingly cool.

    First 250: the opening line didn't draw me in too too much. I would prefer something along the lines of "I associate chalk with drawing...etc etc I never knew it could be...." And then tell us the action. I agree that if you can cut words and get into describing stuff a bit it'd do a lot for us to get the "cool factor." Cuz it does sound really cool.

    Good luck next round! :)

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  3. Hey there, SIDEWALK CHALK author! Mentor Sarah Marsh here. I love fun MG novels, and the concept for yours is so unique!

    The first thing that's jumping out about your query is too many character names. I'd highly recommend revising so that the query is just about your MC, Jake, and then maybe one other character--Galen, perhaps? Whoever you feel is most vital to the main plot. You can certainly just say "Jake and his friends learn the secrets..." in your second paragraph, and so on. Once you remove a few chars from the query, I know your story will shine through! I love the imagery in this query of paw prints of hundreds of creatures crawling out of the chalk world...it's eerie and awesome all at once.

    In your first 250, I agree with the mentors above me about eliminating the references which might date your work (stickball and Road Runner). But I really enjoyed the italicized part of your opening! I think the voice is cute, and it draws me in and shows me a lot about your character. I do think the paragraphs here could benefit from some trimming--Ami gave you a great example there--and this is personal preference, but I'd eliminate the "LeBron" reference to avoid dating the book. Others may disagree, though! Oh, and I do want to point out how much I loved the moment when Jake sees the chalk drawing and describes it as the Earth opening up. Nicely done!

    Best of luck with this in the next round!!

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  4. Mentor of Team Snow, Copernicus Nerd here! It's all subjective in this grand 'ol writing world of ours, but I hope whatever I have to say helps out at least a little!

    Love this concept idea - I know I've seen it before, but it grabs me each time I hear about it! This is the type of MG I would love reading.

    Starting with the query - You do a great job of bringing the story forward, and definitely set the stakes and the hook. Unfortunately, there are way too many characters being mentioned. Let the query focus on only the MC and his partner in crime. You don't want to mention too many side characters because they will end up getting lost in the shuffle. You can leave that for a synopsis.

    Other than that, once you clear up the characters and focus entirely on the MC and his stakes we'll be able to really see what kind of story we're about to embark on! Because this sounds incredibly awesome! Also be careful of how you're comparing it to other things. Roadrunner may be outdated now (although i still love it) so you may want to set it against modern times (unless the timing is set around the time where roadrunner was still popular?)

    And now on to the first 250 - Hmm going back to the dating your work comment - I still played stickball so it may work but who knows. Maybe handball or something (but handball doesn't use chalk lol). It's true, we gotta be careful with how we reference things just because it may not relate to the reader. But these things can easily be substituted.

    other than that you've got a killer voice, and fits the MG setting. I love the description of the chalk artwork when it's finally finished and the kids reaction is priceless. I can just imagine what sort of insanity is going to ensue once these images start coming to life.

    Good luck with your revisions! And great job so far!

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  5. Hi! Mentor from TEAM SNOW, Vicki Lemp Weavil checking this out --

    Query --
    In New York City, thirteen-year-old Jake meets . (This is an very LONG sentence. I would consider trimming it a bit, esp. since you mention NYC twice.) In fact, he and his son Liam were on an adventure inside one of the drawings when Liam lost his way. (Hmmm... I think I'd like to see a real grabber hook incorporating this info. -- When thirteen-year-old Jake discovers brain-meltingly awesome works of 3-D Sidewalk Chalk Art that reveal worlds beneath the streets of New York, he also tumbles into the artist's world. A world that's already swallowed up Ian, the artist's son." Okay, you can do better -- but I hope you get my drift. )

    Jake and his friends Morgan and Dozer learn the secrets to making the perfect pastel and the responsibility that comes along with it. After Dozer runs down the steps into one of the drawings the others follow. Blake the Flake, the most annoying kid in school, catches them coming back out and wanting to make sure he's not missing out on something awesome, decides to find out where the steps lead. The next morning Jake finds Blake’s boat-sized footprints in the chalk, along with paw prints of the hundreds of creatures that crawled out behind him. (This is rather confusing and more like a synopsis than a query. Not sure you need most of this, actually. You could just say -- "The artist teaches Jake and his friends the secrets to making the perfect pastel and the responsibility that comes along with it." -- aside: Why in the world would he do this if he already lost his son to the chalk-world? Maybe explain briefly -- does the artist hope Jake & friends will rescue Liam? -- "Unable to resist entering the world of their drawings, the boys set off a chain of events that unleashes dangerous chalk-world creatures onto the streets of New York." (Again, you can phrase this better, with your voice, but I think you can cut out all those names and still get the point across).


    Using weapons of water, an army of their own, and tricks they’ve seen like a thousand times in roadrunner cartoons, (maybe just say cartoons) Jake and his friends must find the creatures and destroy them. If they fail, New York will be overrun and Liam will be lost forever. (I want to know more about how this will help Liam. Did they see Liam when they were in the drawings? Are they looking for him? Is he being held captive? I'm worried about Liam -- see, you hooked me, LOL).

    First 250 words:

    Love your first 250 words! I would just lose the italics and also cut the "LeBron" mention. (Just say leap). As for the stickball reference -- maybe think of another use, like "writing nasty messages on the pavement in front of the school" or something like that? The other reference (tube sock) is great.

    This is something I want to read -- love art and the idea of a fantasy world created by art! I look forward to seeing this again after your revisions.

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  6. Hi, Snow mentor Kate Brauning here, of Month9Books!

    Query:

    I love this concept! Having art be an active part of the story is so compelling. I would trim out some of the character names, though, too, just so it’s a bit more streamlined and focused. And I’d recommend taking a look at the stickball and Road Runner references, too.
    I definitely want to know more about why Liam connects with Jake and his friends- what kind of relationship is that? What does this change for Jake?
    I’d also build up the mention of Liam’s son, too. That seems really important and I assume it’s part of the stakes. Can that fit into your final sentences to make them even more compelling? Finally, how can you make those stakes personal to Jake? NYC, yes, because he lives there, but I’d love to see how it affects him more personally than that. Otherwise, this is a solid query, and the concept is such a fun one! I’d read on to see the pages.

    250:

    I’m not sure you need the italics—they distracted me from the words. I do agree with the comments about trimming down and condensing some of the sentences, just to make the writing punchier.
    When Jake sees the crowd, why does he run toward it? He’s probably used to crowds, so I wanted to see why he was so eager about this one.
    The moment where he’s jumping sounded like a kid who is 9 or 10 to me, not 13. Can you use descriptions and actions that don’t sound quite that young?
    Awesome description of the drawing; the artistic elements of this story are part of what draws me to it! Also, I love that you start with an impacting moment and that you get the action going right away. We’re grounded in the scene and the situation, and we know the story is going somewhere interesting. Awesome job!

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  7. Team Snow mentor Kat here!

    Query: Fantastic premise, and I really like your query. I agree with what the other mentors have said about tightening it up in the middle - some of the detail becomes too synopsis-ish, and I'd simplify to these points: Blake the Flake sneaks into the underground chalk world and unleashes a pack of weird creatures. Jake and his friends have to hunt them down before they overrun the city.

    Also, I'm not sure how these things tie together with Liam. How will failing to stop the creatures lead to him being lost forever?

    First 250: Great tone, and I like where it starts. You have two mentions of being really tall within the 250, though - maybe take one out? And I would take out 'It was awesome!' as it's telling what you've already shown from the way he described what the chalk artist is doing, and you can already see that Jake is fascinated by it. Those were the only two things I thought might improve it - what you have is already excellent.

    Good luck!

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  8. Team Snow mentor here!

    QUERY:

    Way too many characters involved. You've got yourself a hot bowl of character soup. Focus on your main character and only your main character. Right now, this is reading more like a synopsis than a query, and it feels like you're trying to cover all of your bases at once.

    If this is a story about Jake's adventures, tell us about Jake. Right now, you're trying to juggle too many plot lines and it's tangling you up. Simply, streamline, and sort out what you need to prioritize. I don't really know what the beating heart of your story is from this query, and since the writing is so good in the excerpt, I know you can do it.

    EXCERPT:

    The first line was weaker than the rest. It's a bit too "voiceover narration intro" for me. I want it to be as strong as everything that follows, and what follows is pretty great.

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  9. Hi! You know I love this concept!!! I am glad I got to read a bit of it now!

    I get a sense that there might be a lot of little plot lines. In the QL, it got a bit confusing. If you focus on Jakes perspective of what happens throughout the story, it will be more clear, I think. I do think that the character "Galen" should be introduced in the query, but for the other characters, refer to them just as his friends, but leave them unnamed.

    Good luck!!!

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  10. Hello, Katie, author of #9 here!
    I love your line about monsoons in your "most uncomfortable with" paragraph, but this confused me: "Snow does have the four seasons" -- maybe change it to something about "Areas with snow do get four seasons..." Snow itself doesn't have seasons, if that makes sense.

    Query: Awesome "Dear" introduction! Made me laugh.
    The query does make your MS sound interesting, however, I felt a little overwhelmed by all the characters you name.

    First 250: The MC's voice really shows through, and I loved this: "my showdown with that stupid piano."
    I'm really drawn into the story-- his excitement at what he's seeing is contagious. The only thing that bothered me was this line: "The crowd kept growing and each one of them had to be ten-feet-tall." -- maybe "each person blocking my view"-- I think what I don't like is "each one of them."

    I hope this helps! Good luck! :)




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  11. Hi TeamSnow #15 here to make a few suggestions. The mentor crits are so great, I will just stick to things that really struck me.

    Your answer to the question: I don’t know how much these count, but I like yours, except the part about snow and rain giving him the creeps. Wouldn’t they be more of a bummer? Not a big deal, though.

    Query: Great concept! The main suggestion: Pick the 2-3 most important characters and use only their names. So if Galen is not a huge part of the story, just say Jake meets an artist and then in the next sentence state the artist’s son, Liam (if he is important) lost his way in one of the drawings. The friends don’t probably need names here, but I love the bits about Blake the Flake (very MG nickname!). I like the stakes, but it isn’t clear why if they fail to destroy the creatures overrunning NY Liam will be lost forever. If saving Liam is a key plot point, expand on this. If not, saving NY seems like enough to do and you can take Liam out of the query. Sounds like an appealing MG, especially for boys!

    First 250: I love the excerpt-a solid set up! Maybe take out a few was/were’s to keep the voice active. “Up on 53rd Street tons of people stood in front….” Or just “Awesome!” italicized keeps us in his head. Not sure about the italics on “Squeezing.” It does make a visual effect, but might pull someone out of the story. Otherwise, I think the 250 works well. Very authentic voice!

    Tweet me (handle is my name, no spaces) if you want to bounce a revision off someone before Wednesday. Good luck to you in the agent rounds!

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  12. I am in love with your premise as a lover of sidewalk chalk myself. I agree with what a lot of the mentors said in tightening up your query and getting to the heart of the story. I loved the last two lines. They were my favorite out of the whole thing. They fed the query with urgency and attitude.

    In the first 250 I really liked Jake's voice. I like the suggestion to cut the sentence, "It was awesome," down into maybe just one word. It would really show the wonder and would be a much more plausible kid-thought.

    Good luck in the agent round!

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  13. Hi!

    Mentor here! I like your premise a lot, but I think your query lacks a certain clarity. For one, there are too many names chucked about. Liam, Galen, Dozer, Morgan...etc.

    I think--emphasis on 'I'--that you need to deconstruct your query and break it down:

    Thirteen-year-old Jake meets Galen, an artist whose brain-meltingly awesome 3D art acts as a portal to a magical world beneath the streets of New York. (QUESTION: Do we need to know about Liam so early on? Because all it's making me do is question why the boys would go into this world or why Galen would teach them about it when his own son is lost to it.)

    Desperate for adventure, Jake and his two friends learn the secrets to entering the secret world: with perfect pastel and hours spent doodling on the sidewalk. (Or whatever?) Blake the Flake, the most annoying kid in school, catches them coming back out of the drawings. Convinced, he's missing out, Blake decides to find out where the drawing leads.

    The next morning Jake finds Blake’s boat-sized (literally?) footprints in the chalk, along with paw prints of the hundreds of creatures that crawled out behind him. Using weapons of water, an army of their own, and tricks they’ve seen like a thousand times in roadrunner cartoons, Jake and his friends must find the creatures and destroy them. If they fail, New York will be over-run forever.


    Liam feels like an after-thought. When I read the query first, I had to go back and re-read to remember how Liam fitted into the story. I think the premise is great, but I think you need another query draft to nail it.

    The excerpt is great! Little to say about that.

    Good luck!

    Cheers,
    Lisa.

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  14. Hello! Author of #5 here. First of all, I love love LOVE this premise. Reminds me of the Mary Poppins chalk drawings, except on a much larger scale. I love the little words and phrases peppered in that make the work stand out as MG (brain-meltingly awesome, roadrunner cartoons, etc.) You have a nice handle on the mind of a middle grade reader.

    Query: I don't want to add too much to what's been said, since so much advice becomes overwhelming. I agree that there are too many characters to think of. I'd like to see the paragraphs connect a little more. Is Galen a big part of the story, or just in the beginning? Does he teach Jake and his friends the secrets? Does he warn them of the dangers or the possibility of creatures escaping? I would leave Liam out of the query unless he is a major plot point. My other nit-picky thing is where you say, "Blake the Flake, the most annoying kid in school, catches them coming back out and wanting to make sure he's not missing out on something awesome, decides to find out where the steps lead." If the story is from Jake's perspective, would he know Blake's motives, or just discover the footprints and remember Blake lurking and put the pieces together that way?

    First page: I really like how you set this up. You appeal to the senses of the reader, and I could see what was happening. I have nothing more to add here that hasn't already been said. Well done.

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  15. Hi, fellow Team Snow member here. Following are my suggestions, for what they are worth.

    In your query I think you mention too many people by name. I think Jake, Liam (or Galen), and Blake would be sufficient. Just mention the others by their name/relation.

    For most of the query I was wondering what was up with Liam and why he was important. You tie it in at the end but I still wonder why he is not a bigger part of the story.

    Also, what is a perfect pastel?

    Love your opening. Awesome voice and concept.

    Good luck in the agent round!

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  16. Just a reminder to take the feedback that works for you when revising for the agent round. It’s a lot to take in, but you’re the expert on your story and know best. If you have any questions about the next round you may ask here or on twitter.

    Thought you’d like to know why you were picked. Unique concept! In my reading of new MG releases, quite a few have been portal fantasy, making this a concept that seems to be very marketable right now. I love the idea of them accidentally releasing things from the drawing. Your first 250 is full of humor and voice. I liked the LeBron reference. (Let the publisher decide whether that might be too dated.) If you want me to run stickball or
    roadrunner past my fourth graders, let me know.

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    1. Michelle thank you so much for that! I feel so good about that (and thank you liking the LeBron leap. Yes, please run roadrunner and Looney Tunes past your students. That would be a great help.

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  17. We've been in contests together before (not this particular story) so glad you made it in! I agree with above comments, agents only like you to mention one or two characters in your query. I love the premise! Good luck!

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  18. Hello fellow Team Snow member!

    I can totally see MG readers enjoying this, not only in novel form, but in graphic novel form, as well! Great and adventurous concept.

    I have to echo the others in regard to the number of names in your query (but I got called out on too many names in my 250, so you have company!). That's fixable--it's Jake's experience with this new world that's going to draw your readers/agents in, anyway, so put his lenses on as you re-write, and I know you'll get it.

    Good luck!

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  19. Best of luck in the agent round! I agree this would make an amazing graphic novel :)

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  20. Love, love this unique concept! Way to go and good luck in the agent round :)

    #TeamSun Leader Amy

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  21. #TeamSun member here. Keep going with this. I'm dying to see where the drawings take us, and love your premise. What a world you open up with a few strokes of chalk -- sounds like it could be wondrous or fearsome. Good luck in the next round!

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