Monday, October 14, 2013

Fall Query Extravaganza #2

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. 

Right now I'm full up with queries but contact me in November on twitter if you want your query showcased. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:



Dear AGENTS NAME,

When twenty-four year old Marica uncovers Russian journals hidden in her Melbourne home, she doesn't expect some stranger’s scribbling from one hundred years ago to change her identity.  Nor does she anticipate translating them to bring her a new love.

Identity and love crises aside, she never imagined she’d resolve her issues with her motherpractically impossible if your mother is dead.  Practically.  Unless you discover a family-secret leading from modern-day Melbourne, to 1920’s Paris and all the way to the last Russian Tsar, a secret, that simultaneously makes everything clear and muddied.

The truth often hurts. With her life now consisting of scattered lies and a man she is unsure she deserves, Marica must try to make peace with four generations of deception or risk losing her chance at love along with a little of her sanity.

Dairy of Anne Frank meets Love Actually with a bit of sleuthing.  Blending modern Melbourne, Art Deco Paris and Tsarist/Revolutionary Russia, and at 86,000-words, PAST SECRETS; PRESENT FUTURE is a New Adult alternative history mixed with modern romance and mystery. 

In April 2013, I came 9th in a short story competition run by Atlantis Short Story Contest. The editor has written me a Letter of Recommendation, which I can forward on request. Recently I entered the #Pitchmadness contest (for another manuscript) and was selected in the top 60 for: “The Murder of George Wickham.”

I was born in Croatia, raised in Australia and have lived in France. Twelve months ago, I packed it all in as it were, to work full-time on my writing.  Now I’m a slave to my conscience and three feline overlords.

Per submission guidelines, I have included (per guidelines)

Thank you for your time.

Regards, 

With my crazy comments: 

Dear AGENTS NAME, Just a nitpick because you won't leave as is, but it should be 'Agent's Name.' And isn't purple a great fall color? 

When twenty-four year old Marica uncovers Russian journals hidden in her Melbourne home, she doesn't expect some stranger’s scribbling from one hundred years ago to change her identity. Unless they're magic, they didn't really 'change' her identity, they illuminated/exposed the truth. Nor does she anticipate translating them to bring her a new love.

Identity and love crises aside, she never imagined she’d resolve her issues with her motherpractically impossible if your mother is dead.  Practically.  Unless you discover a family-secret leading from modern-day Melbourne, to 1920’s Paris and all the way to the last Russian Tsar, a secret, that simultaneously makes everything clear and muddied. My Scooby sense tells me this paragraph is off, might be the change in tense, but it also seems to have a change of voice. Plus, it's vague. What issues with her mother? What sort of secret? Instead of enticing, this makes all cloudy and frustrates. The best part is the sentence that describes where the journals led her, because of the details in it. Give us more of that.

The truth often hurts. Cliche unless you give us why in this case it hurts. But the explanation tells me nothing. With her life now consisting of scattered lies why lies? What is she lying about? and a man she is unsure she deserves, Marica must try to make peace with four generations of deception why is it her problem to clear it all up? or risk losing her chance at love along with a little of her sanity. Again this is very vague. What truth? What man? I really know nothing about him or this love affair she finds which gives me no sense of character. I had no idea her past was upsetting to her so why would she need to make peace with it. Unless you mean her mother. But without details, I don't really have a reason to care for Marica. I'm unsure whether her ultimate goal is repairing her feelings toward her mother or her love affair. You spent a whole paragraph on the mother and now that disappears.   

Dairy of Anne Frank meets Love Actually with a bit of sleuthing. This certainly implies war or persecution is part of the story, but I didn't get that from the query.  Blending modern Melbourne, Art Deco Paris and Tsarist/Revolutionary Russia (I got this from the second paragraph.), and at 86,000-words, PAST SECRETS; PRESENT FUTURE is a New Adult alternative history mixed with modern romance and mystery. That might be too many genres in one sentence. Your query should show the romance and mystery.

In April 2013, I came 9th in a short story competition run by Atlantis Short Story Contest. The editor has written me a Letter of Recommendation, which I can forward on request. Recently I entered the #Pitchmadness contest (for another manuscript) and was selected in the top 60 for: “The Murder of George Wickham.” I have doubts that pitchmadness is a credit agents would care about. 

I was born in Croatia, raised in Australia and have lived in France. Twelve months ago, I packed it all in as it were, to work full-time on my writing.  Now I’m a slave to my conscience and three feline overlords. This first sentence matters to your bio. It shows you have international experience. I'd consider cutting the second and third sentence and putting the last two paragraphs together.

Per submission guidelines, I have included (per guidelines)

Thank you for your time.

Regards,  Not needed as you already thanked them.

You mentioned that the sample pages are getting requests, but the query alone is not. My guess would be that the query is too vague. It doesn't pass along a sense of personality for your main character and keeps the specifics hidden. I know writers fear to give too much away in a query, but if you tell us nothing, we have no reason to care. I suspect you've gone too far toward secrecy here. 

Open up about the story in the query so that it will match the excellence demonstrated by your sample pages.

5 comments:

  1. Dear AGENTS NAME,

    When twenty-four year old Marica uncovers Russian journals hidden in her Melbourne home, she doesn't expect some stranger’s scribbling from one hundred years ago to change her identity. Nor does she anticipate translating them to bring her a new love.

    (you can make the hook more powerful. You can try this: When 24yo Marica wipes the dust off century old Russian Journals, she finds some scribbling that changes her life and sparks undying romance.)

    Identity and love crises aside, she never imagined she’d resolve her issues with her mother, practically impossible if your mother is dead. Practically. Unless you discover a family-secret leading from modern-day Melbourne, to 1920’s Paris and all the way to the last Russian Tsar, a secret, that simultaneously makes everything clear and muddied.

    (in this para, I never got what was the main conflict. That scribbling must have revealed some mystery, what was that about? You don’t have to tell the answer, but you need to tell us the question. Something like, Marica discovers that the man she knew as her father wasn’t her real father. You don’t have to tell who was her real father. Tell(show) us what mystery your protagonist discovers, what does she do next to resolve those mysteries, and what stands in her way. In this para, throw a sentence that describes the guy, For example: On her quest to solve the mystery, she comes across a tall and shy guy whom she cannot resist)

    The truth often hurts. With her life now consisting of scattered lies and a man she is unsure she deserves, Marica must try to make peace with four generations of deception or risk losing her chance at love along with a little of her sanity.

    (The truth she discovers is painful. Her life now consists of scattered lies and a man who she thinks is too charming for her. Marica must try to make peace with four generations of deception or risk losing her chance at love along with a little of her sanity.)

    (For the rest of query, listen to Michelle)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm commenting from work, so please forgive me not logging in. I like the concept a lot, but agree that the query is confusing. I've moved things around and removed a lot. Hope I didn't change the story arc by doing so.

    -Frank Anderson

    Dear AGENTS NAME,

    Twenty-four year old Marica must try to make peace with four generations of deception or risk losing her chance at love along with a little of her sanity. But when she uncovers Russian journals hidden in her Melbourne home, a stranger’s scribbling from one hundred years ago begins to illuminate her identity.
    She never imagined she’d resolve her issues with her dead mother, but a family-secret she discovers in the journals leads her from modern-day Melbourne, to 1920’s Paris and all the way to the last Russian Tsar, and a step closer to the understanding she had longed for.

    PAST SECRETS; PRESENT FUTURE is a New Adult alternative history. At 86,000-words, it combines Dairy of Anne Frank with Love Actually (and a bit of sleuthing).
    In April 2013, I came 9th in a short story competition run by Atlantis Short Story Contest. The editor has written me a Letter of Recommendation, which I can forward on request. I was born in Croatia, raised in Australia and have lived in France.
    Per submission guidelines, I have included (per guidelines)

    Regards,

    ReplyDelete
  3. When twenty-four year old Marica uncovers Russian journals hidden in her Melbourne home, she doesn't expect some stranger’s scribbling from one hundred years ago to change her identity. THIS IS A BIT VAGUE--I'D THROW IN HOW IT CHANGES HER IDENTITY. MORE DETAIL, PLZ! : ) Nor does she anticipate translating them to bring her a new love. MORE DETAIL HERE MIGHT BE NICE TOO--WHO IS THE NEW LOVE?

    Identity and love crises aside, she never imagined she’d resolve her issues with her mother, practically impossible if your mother is dead. IMO, YOU CAN RE-WORD THIS SENTENCE, AS IT READS SLIGHTLY AWKWARD Practically. Unless you discover a family-secret leading from modern-day Melbourne, to 1920’s Paris and all the way to the last Russian Tsar, a secret, that simultaneously makes everything clear and muddied. I WOULD ADD MORE PERSONALITY AND DETAIL HERE TOO. AS MICHELLE SAID, THIS QUERY DOES SEEM TO VAGUE. ADD IN AND HIGHLIGHT THE UNIQUE DETAILS OF YOUR MS AND QUIRKS OF YOUR MC AND PERHAPS THE LOVE INTEREST.

    The truth often hurts. With her life now consisting of scattered lies and a man she is unsure she deserves, Marica must try to make peace with four generations of deception or risk losing her chance at love along with a little of her sanity.

    Dairy of Anne Frank meets Love Actually DO YOU HAVE A RECENT COMP TITLE? I THINK IT'S FINE TO USE ONE OLDER MOVIE OR ONE OLDER BOOK BUT NOT AN OLD BOOK AND AN OLD MOVIE with a bit of sleuthing. Blending modern Melbourne, Art Deco Paris and Tsarist/Revolutionary Russia,LOVE THIS--SOUNDS INTRIGUING AND LIKE THE SETTING WILL BE GORGEOUS AND RICH IN IMAGERY and at 86,000-words, PAST SECRETS; PRESENT FUTURE is a New Adult alternative history mixed with modern romance and mystery.

    In April 2013, I came 9th in a short story competition run by Atlantis Short Story Contest. The editor has written me a Letter of Recommendation, which I can forward on request. Recently I entered the #Pitchmadness contest (for another manuscript) and was selected in the top 60 for: “The Murder of George Wickham.” I WOULD OMIT THIS PARAGRAPH, WHILE IT'S AN ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR YOU AND NICE TO HV LETTER OF REC AND THE TOP 60 FOR PITCHMADNESS, I DON'T THINK THAT WILL SWAY OR IMPRESS AN AGENT. SAVE YOUR WORDS FOR THE QUERY. : )

    I was born in Croatia, raised in Australia and have lived in France. Twelve months ago, I packed it all in as it were, to work full-time on my writing. Now I’m a slave to my conscience and three feline overlords.

    Per submission guidelines, I have included (per guidelines)

    Thank you for your time.

    Regards, OMIT REGARDS

    Overall, this story sounds really cool and I love the uniqueness of the setting and the air of mystery. Good luck to you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think this sounds like a great read. I love romantic mysteries, especially if there’s a little fantasy thrown in. All you have to do is get the query in line.

    To me, your first paragraph reads more like a logline than the set-up of a query. I’m not keen on the phrasing “she never imagined” or “doesn’t expect,” mostly because no one ever expects these things. If you rephrase it, like Frank suggested, it comes across more as Marica’s action, rather than her confusion as things happening to her.

    In the second paragraph, the sentence beginning with “Unless” should be from her perspective, rather than the narrator’s.

    The third paragraph eludes to stuff in your book, but the way it’s presented here is vague, because we don’t know what you mean. What lies? Does she really have to do something to deserve a man? And while insanity is great for stakes, I’m not sure what’s driving her insane.

    Best luck with it!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi,

    I'm the author of this QL & I'd like to thank Michelle and everyone who has left a comment. I was a little nervous at what people might say because I knew my QL wasn't right -- because I'm too close to it. Everyone's comments have helped and I'm now working on a new version with all suggestions in mind. And if anyone else wants to comment, please do, I'll take all the help I can get :)

    Thanks again Michelle for doing this.

    ReplyDelete