Right now I'm full up with queries but contact me in November on twitter if you want your query showcased. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Twelve-year old Deech Rosselli and his family are placed into Witness Protection in a town run by a U.S. Marshall, seven hundred and thirty two miles away from Brooklyn. Deech gets a new name, new friends, and a whole new set of problems as the middle school is filled with mini mobsters, all imitating what they've seen their parents do over the years.
Deech makes friends quickly and finds himself thriving among forgers, bookmakers, hackers, enforcers, munitions experts, and even the random arsonist as the kids form families of their own during recess.
When the disenchanted principal, himself a former marshall, snitches on the whereabouts of the Rossellis and all the wrong people come to town, Deech and his new friends put together a plan that will trap the principal and capture the mob boss and the men that came looking for them.
With my brilliant (maybe) comments:
Twelve-year old Deech Rosselli and his family are placed into Witness Protection in a town run by a U.S. Marshall, seven hundred and thirty two miles away from Brooklyn. We all know this got a ton of requests in Nightmare on Query Street so I'm not sure what I can add. Maybe that the first sentence is a tad lengthy for MG? Deech gets a new name, new friends, and a whole new set of problems as the middle school is filled with mini mobsters, all imitating what they've seen their parents do over the years. Made me curious to know where they are. You've told us where they are not (Brookyn), but what town is full of mobsters. Sounds like Vegas.
Deech makes friends quickly and finds himself thriving among forgers, bookmakers, hackers, enforcers, munitions experts, and even the random arsonist as the kids form families of their own during recess. This is full of great information and nice setup, but what does Deech want? So far it's lacking his motivation or what he feels about being in the witness protection program.
When the disenchanted principal, himself a former marshall, snitches on the whereabouts of the Rossellis and all the wrong people come to town, I'd probably put a stop right here and make this into two sentences by changing 'When' to 'Then.' It's rather a mouthful. Deech and his new friends put together a plan that will trap the principal and capture the mob boss and the men that came looking for them. Makes it sound like the mob boss and the men that came looking for them are two separate groups. Are they together or are two sets of villains out to get Deech's family? Also what will happen if they fail? Is it lights out for his family?
This is a really great query and feels to me that the only thing missing is a better sense of Deech's goals and personality. I think there is room to squeeze in a short sentence or two about Deech. Right now the query focuses solely on the plot (which is fantastic) but leaves me wondering what Deech is like.
Hi Author
ReplyDeleteFirst, I admire your effort to squeeze your query in a cozy 169 word length. Now let’s get down and do some work on the baby query panda.
[Another thing. You already got selected in NOQS and have got seven requests (WOW!) already while I didn’t even get in the top 30. So you might want to take my critique with a pinch of salt. I congratulate you and I hope you are doing great with those requests. In fact, your query has taught me a thing or two so it’s so hypocritical to critique your query. But I will still take a shot at it because critiquing a query helps both ways.]
Twelve-year old Deech Rosselli and his family are placed into Witness Protection in a town run by a U.S. Marshall, seven hundred and thirty two miles away from Brooklyn. Deech gets a new name, new friends, and a whole new set of problems as the middle school is filled with mini mobsters, all imitating what they've seen their parents do over the years.
[you are aiming for agent to catch the idea of your book as soon as possible. Anything that stands in way should be removed. IMO, the exact details of where Deech lives are superfluous. The five words, ‘seven hundred and thirty two’ hinder the flow for the time period of 5 valuable words. Also, ‘…all imitating what they've seen their parents do over the years’ can be replaced by ‘…all imitating their parents.’]
Deech makes friends quickly and finds himself thriving among forgers, bookmakers, hackers, enforcers, munitions experts, and even the random arsonist as the kids form families of their own during recess.
[I’m not a fan of lists, but I don’t see another easy way of ‘showing’ what Deech has got into. If you spend some time on it, may be you will come up with something better.]
When the disenchanted principal, himself a former marshall, snitches on the whereabouts of the Rossellis and all the wrong people come to town, Deech and his new friends put together a plan that will trap the principal and capture the mob boss and the men that came looking for them.
[I don’t like this sentence, yet I’m fine with this para. Your sentence is too long and confusing, but it explains something of everything that we are looking for.]
A combination of the Sopranos meets Home Alone; MIDDLE SCHOOL MAFIA is 38,000 words of family comedy where the term family has a whole new meaning.
[While your attempt to ‘signal’ a genre is creative, it doesn’t signal anything specific. You may need to write those cliché words that denote age category and genre even if they are painful to your creative self. Although one can easily guess the genre after reading your query. The age category and genre were hidden somewhere inside smartly, waiting to be found.]
Deech’s motivation is blurry, but he’s just a child, he’s no warrior on some blood-thirsty mission, so it’s fine to leave it like that IMO. I see your query breaking at least half a dozen rules already that I learned in last one month and here you sit on a hill of seven requests. I think you had a strong idea to start with and that worked for you. Your task was to get an agent to read your pages, and you accomplished that. Feel proud and invite us for dinner. :)
Xander Ironheart
I do agree with comments made previously. The query read flat. I want to hear it from Deech's POV. I didn't see why 732 miles from Brooklyn was important enough for the query. You say 'family comedy' at end ... is this ms funny? If so, the query should reflect that.
ReplyDeletePlan to capture principal and capture mob boss sounds exciting, but what happens if they fail? What happens if they succeed?
All these mob kids with all their special talents makes me wonder why witness protection placed them there. Yikes!
Kathy
Hmm, I'm torn. I feel like I could give you some in depth crit, but I really don't feel like it's necessary. You briefly lose me around the beginning, but then you pick me right back up and don't let go. Your query is fantastic. The concept is wonderful. I'm going to go with a solid, don't fix what isn't broken. Touch up the bit in the front (probably just break the sentence in half), and you're good to go.
ReplyDeleteTwelve-year old Deech Rosselli and his family are placed into Witness Protection in a town run by a U.S. Marshall, seven hundred and thirty two miles away from Brooklyn. Deech gets a new name, new friends, and a whole new set of problems as the middle school is filled with mini mobsters, all imitating what they've seen their parents do over the years. (I think this last sentence could be two. In this paragraph you say he has a new set of problems: the kids. In the next paragraph, the kids aren’t a problem after all (thriving, making friends). Maybe you don’t need “a whole new set of problems”)
ReplyDeleteDeech makes friends quickly and finds himself thriving among forgers, bookmakers, hackers, enforcers, munitions experts, and even the random arsonist as the kids form families of their own during recess.
When the disenchanted principal, himself a former marshall, snitches on the whereabouts of the Rossellis and all the wrong people come to town, Deech and his new friends put together a plan that will trap the principal and capture the mob boss and the men that came looking for them. (This is really long, and you could split it up as well. I think I’m looking for more stakes here.)
A combination of the Sopranos meets Home Alone; MIDDLE SCHOOL MAFIA is 38,000 words of family comedy where the term family has a whole new meaning.
I understand you got many requests for this; congratulations! So, I’m not sure you need much help, since this sounds like a book I’d read, and I haven’t read much MG. But I agree with Kathy. I’m not getting much comedy from the query. Best of luck with your requests!
Obviously I liked this, clearly so did a lot of agents but like the comment above, I don't understand why witness protection would send him to a town full of mobsters. I'm sure there's a good reason and perhaps, given your QL is short, a line or two as to why would make all the difference?
ReplyDeleteI'm also unsure what would motivate a former Marshal to *snitch* on this family? Aside from not fighting his former profession, why THIS family when so many other mobster families live there? I would either want to know the motivation for this (which might raise the stakes for the MC) or have FORMER MARSHALL taken out.
However, take everything I said with a grain of salt as you clearly are getting requests :)
Best of luck!
The only thing I'd really change is this sentence:
ReplyDeleteDeech gets a new name, new friends, and a whole new set of problems as the middle school is filled with mini mobsters, all imitating what they've seen their parents do over the years.
to:
Deech gets a new name, new friends, and - when he discovers the middle school is filled with mini mobsters, all imitating what they've seen their parents do over the years - a whole new set of problems.
And only because
Thank you all for the insight and ideas. The query actually as changed since I first sent it in. It gives a little more of an idea of what the stakes are which it definitely needed.
ReplyDeleteI would like to offer my MG Contemporary Humor novel, MIDDLE SCHOOL MAFIA, for your consideration.
Thirteen-year old Deech Rosselli and his family are placed into Witness Protection in a town run by the U.S. Marshal Service. Deech gets a new name, new friends, and a whole new set of problems as the middle school is filled with mini mobsters.
When the disenchanted principal, himself a former Marshal, cuts a deal and snitches on the whereabouts of the Rossellis, Deech and his friends devise a plan to trap the principal, outsmart the bad guys, and survive seventh grade. If they fail, Deech’s dad's a goner and the principal gets his town back. But on the plus side they've all seen Home Alone like a thousand times.
A combination of The Sopranos meets Home Alone, MIDDLE SCHOOL MAFIA is 38,000 words of family comedy where the term family has a whole new meaning.
I am a member of SCBWI and when not writing, working on getting my Masters in English Literature with a concentration in Fantasy.
I like the voice in this query, especially the "seen Home Alone like a thousand times" part. I think we've all been given the advice to put as much voice as possible into a query letter, and you've done a great job.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I think could add to the letter is a little more information on why the principal, a former Marshal, is endangering a family in the Witness Protection Program. I think Nikola also mentioned this above; if you've got more than one person who thinks you should address this, you should consider it!
Good luck!