Thursday, October 17, 2013

Fall Query Extravaganza #3

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall.

Right now I'm full up with queries but contact me in November on twitter if you want your query showcased. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear Awesome Agent

In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height is the mark of his power, and shrinking one inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald.

Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald decides a little landscaping is just what his village needs. But the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than even he anticipates. The resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard, to escape from prison.

A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, shrinks another inch; two more and he’ll join his father as a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator. Gerald’s love of shiny wizarding objects leads him straight to a golden amulet that could be the answer to his problems. But when Vabalaz discovers it may also be the key to creating his dream wizard realm, the hunt is on.

Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans. But he could really do without fighting off bumbling bandits, dealing with a very smelly Orcling and evading a female elven assassin. Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last.

GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH is a Humorous, Upper MG, Fantasy. It is complete at 77,000 words. Similar in tone to Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, younger readers would enjoy this novel of the trials of an inexperienced wizard who manages to turn everything he touches into chaos.

With my crazy comments:

Dear Awesome Agent (colon)

In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height (a wizard's height indicates his power) is the mark of his power, (I'm not sure this comma is needed. Readers, what do you think?) and shrinking one inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald.

Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald decides a little landscaping is just what his village needs. But the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than even(I think I'd strike 'even.' Even implies he's talked it over with others.) he anticipates. The resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard, to escape from (Cut 'from' or use 'his.') prison. 

A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, shrinks another inch; two more and he’ll join his (an adjective like bumbling or failure) father as a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator. Gerald’s love of shiny wizarding objects leads him straight to a golden amulet that could be the answer to his problems. But when Vabalaz discovers it may also be the key to creating his dream wizard realm, the hunt is on. 'Leads him straight' made me think Gerald already had the amulet. Why would he need to hunt for it? 

Also Vabalaz's motivation is vague. How is his dream wizard realm different from Gerald's dreams? Or simply, why would it be bad?

Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans. But he could really do without fighting off bumbling bandits, dealing with a very smelly Orcling and evading a female elven assassin. (Not sure 'female' is needed. Unless Gerald is opposed to females like many boys his age. ... evading a female--yuck--elven assassin.) Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last. Nice setting of the stakes.

GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH is a Humorous, Upper MG, Fantasy. It is complete at 77,000 words. Similar in tone to Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, younger readers would enjoy this novel of it features the trials of an inexperienced wizard who manages to turn everything he touches into chaos. I did get a sense of chaos from the opening parts of the query. 

I should mention that I've seen this query around. This version feels very strong to me. It does make me think fun and middle grade. My only comments were more on the subjective word choice side. Good luck.

30 comments:

  1. I agree with Michelle's comments/suggestions. I also found myself questioning how easily he finds the amulet, seems either too convenient or like a missed opportunity for more tension/excitement. In addition, I might like to see "short" become an advantage - being short in our society is also problematic, and I'd like to see that tall=ideal standard turned inside out. Overall though, very nice job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the comments :)

      Without giving too much away, the height is only applicable to wizards and the positive part about it is that height has zip to do with age. If you are good then you can grow rapidly but you can also be a 100 year old wizard and only 4' 9" tall. Height doesn't equate to age, it equates to skill level ;)

      Delete
  2. Great query, especially with Michelle's tweaking. And what a fun and imaginative read. Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  3. [Ok, I'm not an expert on critiquing queries, but I would like to tighten some bolts and bits here and there. BTW I agree with most of what Michelle has critiqued.]

    Dear Awesome Agent

    In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height is the mark of his power, and shrinking one [another] inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald. [It tells, doesn't show, IMO. The hook could be stronger. Shrinking another inch can get him expelled/banished him from the wizarding school/village or whatever, or shrinking another inch can do (what damage? take away his magic forever, for example.)]

    Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald decides a little landscaping is just what his village needs. But the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than even he anticipates. The resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard, to escape from prison.

    Remove unnecessary details. Try this:
    [Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald decides a little landscaping is just what his village needs. But the spell misfires, resulting in an earthquake that.... and so on. If the resulting sentence seems long, break it in two.]

    A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, shrinks another inch; two more and he’ll join his father as a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator. Gerald’s love of shiny wizarding objects leads him straight to a golden amulet that could be the answer to his problems. But when Vabalaz discovers it may also be the key to creating his dream wizard realm, the hunt is on.

    Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans [what plans? They could very well be plans to rob an ice-cream parlor. You could spend a word or two on explaining it]. But he could really do without fighting off bumbling bandits, dealing with a very smelly Orcling and evading a female [like Michelle said] elven assassin. Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last [...and what evil Vabalaz can summon. If you mention this, stakes might seem higher].

    GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH is a Humorous, Upper MG, Fantasy. It is complete at 77,000 words. Similar in tone to Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, younger readers would enjoy this novel of the trials of an inexperienced wizard who manages to turn everything he touches into chaos. [redundant]

    [I wanted to see the valediction also. It's easy to miss tiny errors here and there.]

    But I'm not an expert. You might ignore some or all of my corrections. Not all feedback is helpful.
    It's a neat query, IMO. You're almost home. Hope this helps.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Xander, I really appreciate the comments :)

      Delete
  4. This ms sounds really fun! In the first paragraph, the comma would be appropriate to separate the two complete sentence phrases. But possibly commas are going out of style. The phrase "Gerald decides a little landscaping" stopped me. Possibly "Looking to gain an inch or two, he attempts a spell that triggers an earthquake ..."

    What leads him to the amulet? You can give me a little hint at adventure and danger, because usually magic amulets are hard to find.

    Vabalaz (fun name!) needs to feel more menacing and dangerous. Is there a final duel with the wizard that threatens Gerald? Loss of life is high stakes.

    I agree that the last sentence seems redundant.

    My son would totally read this! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for taking the time to comment :) If your son wants to read a pdf just send me an email at contact (@) carlhackman (dot) com I'd love more feedback from my target audience.

      Delete
    2. My son is 12 and my daughter is 11. They and I would love to give it a try and see what we think. I will e-mail you. Thanks.

      Delete
    3. On its way Kathy, I hope they (and you) enjoy it :)

      Delete
  5. I don't have anything better to add than Michelle's and the other's comments (other than cool story!), but I have been studying that comma. It's one of the comma rules I learned this year and even though I can't see a single perception issue leaving it out could create, I embraced it wholeheartedly. It's a rule after all. Yeah, then I started paying attention to published books I was reading, by well known authors that would likely have the best editors. And no, they aren't using that comma religiously. Drove me nuts. I asked my local (large) writing community and the answer was pacing. I didn't like that one bit. Then I investigated a line-editing job for a romance publisher and in their guidelines it was specifically stated to leave that comma out for pacing purposes. So I am trying to be open minded and get a feel for that pacing. I can see leaving it out sometimes, but darn it, I'm going to be so embarrassed if I ever get a contract and an editor calls me on that! So commas, grrr, I still hate them. Don't even get me started on well-known authors overusing superfluous "that."

    ReplyDelete
  6. About that comma. Yes, it is two compound sentences so a comma is indicated. I believe my trouble came from the second sentence being a gerund. I've been told over and over to avoid gerund sentences in writing. Yet I can't think of a better rewording.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comma issue is really interesting. Firstly, I don't think it should be there. I actually asked an English Professor friend of mine to take a look and they agreed it should be removed.
      This comma issue reminded of a Oscar Wilde quote I often refer to:

      "I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again"

      I don't think any of us could put it better :)

      Delete
  7. A quick question Michelle. Would you mention that you have another novel going through final revisions plus are 10,000 words into your next WIP?

    I get the impression that agents like to see that you are not a one book deal as it were. On the other side I've also heard that they only want to know about the one being queried and that the subject of other work comes up in 'The Call' if you ever get that far.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You've repeated exactly what I've heard. Save the query for this manuscript. As for 'one book deal' that goes toward mentioning any publishing credits you may have, including short stories, in the query.

      Any other finished works or WIPs should be discussed when the Call happens. However, it wouldn't hurt to have something about them on your blog in case agents check on you.

      Delete
  8. In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height is the mark of his power, and shrinking one inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald.

    Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald decides a little landscaping is just what his village needs. (I don’t see a connection between landscaping and how it will help him gain height and power. I think the concept is cool, but maybe connect these better?) But the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than even (I agree with Michelle about the “even,” it’s an extra word you don’t need) he anticipates. The resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard (if you could show us in a few words, rather than tell us he’s dangerous, we’d believe it more and I bet your book is full of great examples, like “a wizard who eats kid’s toes” or whatever), to escape from prison.

    A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, (he) shrinks another inch; two more and he’ll join his father as a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator. Gerald’s love of shiny wizarding objects leads him straight to a golden amulet (like others, I’m wondering how he finds this so easily) that could be the answer to his problems (why would the amulet make a difference?). But when Vabalaz discovers it may also be the key to creating his dream wizard realm (this is almost a POV shift; anyway to put it from Gerald’s pov?), the hunt is on.

    Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans. But he could really do without fighting off bumbling bandits, dealing with a very smelly Orcling and evading a female elven assassin (I’m not real fond of lists, only because you can’t show us here why they’re significant. Besides, this query already has lots of great things going for it and you could leave them out.). Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last. (I don’t get the true stakes here; are you saying he’ll lose more height if he tries another spell, and will then end up beside his father scooping poop, and lose his chance to be a wizard forever? And the next spell being his last” is vague, since I don’t really know what it means. Why would it be his last? If he’s out running around trying to redeem himself, he has plenty of chances for spells, doesn’t he?)

    Man, I hope I didn’t come across as mean here. I actually think this is a fantastic query and I see you got a request on writerlyrejects (congratulations!). Hopefully some of my comments are useful. Best luck with it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, not mean at all. This is the whole reason I've put the query out there. Any suggestions on how to tighten it and have agents request more is beneficial.

      Delete
  9. Let me start by saying I like this query & I’m pretty sure you’d get bites with or without help.

    However, as you've ask for help, the biggest issue is (for me) there are too many names (and they are not easy names). I had to read this twice and repeat some of the names three times just to get it right in my head. That isn't so much a big deal if I’m only reading your query, however, if I’m an agent with fifty other queries I promised myself I’d get through before the end of the day, it could be. I would suggest removing at least one of the names, maybe in the QL refer to Vabalaz as "THE EVIL WIZARD" or something like that.

    My other issue is, while I think you have nailed voice, you have compromised on detail leaving some bits unclear as to motivation and others vague.

    I’ll also add, for the record, Michelle’s suggestions work for me but I’ll give it a whirl too.

    I’m pretty much ‘hooked’ on the first paragraph and would leave it as something like:
    In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height equals his power and losing an entire inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald.

    The next paragraph which starts with “looking to gain…” I think it’s a great line but I don’t actually understand it in the context of the story. Are you saying that by becoming a magical gardener he grows? If so why/how? As I say, even being a great line, it doesn't help me understand the story.

    Then Gerald frees a dangerous wizard and his punishment is banishment? It seems a little weak. Why not have his powers removed, all his magic and then have him banished? Why not have him imprisoned?

    I also agree with Michelle, I don’t get a feel for how/why Vabalaz is bad or why he needs the amulet or what Vabalaz’s ‘dream’ realm be.

    This is a pretty good query but I feel like there’s so much going on (in order to show voice etc. which you do really well), the result is not enough ‘meat’ and I’m left with the wrong kinds of questions.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi All,

    I really appreciate all the great feedback and have a tweaked version for you.

    In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height is the mark of his power, and shrinking an entire inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald.

    Looking for promotion of an inch or two, Gerald decides his superior wizarding skills are just what his village needs to improve the view. But the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than he anticipates. The resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard, to escape from prison.

    A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, is demoted another inch; two more and he’s likely to become a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator. Gerald’s questionable acquisition of a certain golden amulet could be the answer to his problems. But when Vabalaz discovers it may also be the key to creating his elite wizard realm, Gerald becomes his target.

    Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans. Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last.

    GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH is a humorous, Upper MG, Fantasy. It is complete at 77,000 words. Similar in tone to Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, younger readers would enjoy this novel of the trials of an inexperienced wizard who manages to turn everything he touches into chaos.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Instead of telling 'a highly dangerous wizard' I'd be more specific. Maybe something like the six foot two killer of puppies wizard. Tie it back to the height thing. I'm assuming he's tall.

      Delete
    2. Hi Michelle, that would be cool, but in the story he had been shrunk to 5' tall, removing most of his powers, when he was imprisoned :)

      Delete
  12. As Gerald doesn't know the full impact of his screw up until later, would the following sentence be better to finish off the 3rd paragraph?

    Unbeknown to Gerald, the resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm. The devastation also allows Vabalaz, a highly dangerous and seditious wizard, to escape from prison.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I don't think you need to worry about that sort of tiny detail. You don't have to be 100% true to the story in the query.

    ReplyDelete
  14. ok, last one, believe me LOL. End of para 4

    But when Vabalaz discovers it may also be the key to creating his elite wizard realm, Gerald is elevated to evil wizard's enemy number one.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hey Carl
    In my opinion, the 2nd paragraph is the one that still needs tweaking, for the same reason a lot of others have pointed out. I still don't think you're addressing the issue of why Gerald is going to gain height because he does a little landscaping. I think a some clarification could help. Perhaps changing the first sentence into something like "Performing some powerful magic will help him gain an inch, so he buys a spell..." and then flow into the bit about it being more powerful than he anticipated. I just think it needs to be clear upfront that you gain height by performing powerful magic, and Gerald is desperate to get taller. Right now, the paragraph seems to imply that you gain height by improving the view of your village. I don't think you even need to mention that it's a landscaping spell that causes part of Wyverndawn to break off. It can just be described as a powerful spell that got out of hand.
    Then you can tie it into why he is so interested in the amulet- maybe he thinks it is another way he can be powerful. Only this time, he's stumbled onto something that's genuinely powerful, instead of some crazy spell- and Gerald isn't the only person who wants that powerful object!
    I know you've gotten some interest already with this query (mine included!), and I think a lot of that has to do with the amazing amount of VOICE you've put into it. If you can also tighten up the writing, I think it'd be golden!
    Final note: I used the word powerful waaaaay too much in this post, and I blame that on the late hour and being too tired to find a thesaurus. :0)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Carl: I think your newest query is much closer and you're down to tweaks!

    I second Kara's comments. If you can find a way to tie it all together, making each thought lead to the next, you'll nail it.

    Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you all so much, you have been awesome. This is my latest version as I put the final polishes to my NOQS entry :)

    Dear Awesome Agent,

    I would like to offer GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH for your consideration. [personalized sentence. In response to #PitMad, #MSWL, met at conference etc.]

    In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height is the mark of his power, and shrinking an entire inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald.

    Looking for promotion of an inch or two, Gerald decides his superior wizarding skills are just what his village needs to improve the view. But the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than he anticipates. The resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard, to escape from prison.

    A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, is demoted another inch; two more and he’s likely to become a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator. Gerald’s questionable acquisition of a certain golden amulet could be the answer to his problems. But when Vabalaz discovers it may also be the key to creating his elite wizard realm, Gerald is elevated to evil wizard’s enemy number one.

    Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans. Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last.

    GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH is a humorous, Upper MG, Fantasy. It is complete at 77,000 words. Similar in tone to Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, younger readers would enjoy this novel of the trials of an inexperienced wizard who manages to turn everything he touches into chaos.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Best regards

    Carl Hackman
    Web: carlhackman.com
    Twitter: @CarlHackman

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'll comment on Michelle's notes since everyone else has already weighed in. lol

    Unless he changes it to "In the realm of Wyverndawn WHERE a wizard’s height the mark of his power", he does need the comma. Otherwise, it's a run-on.

    Somewhere between Paragraphs 2 & 3 it started to feel a little like a summary to me, or the voice fell a little flat. Something happened that made me feel disconnected, but then it picked back up.

    SN: This sounds like a good time to promote the awareness of the prejudice against osteoperosis victims. lol

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hi, I know it is a long time since this query was seen by you guys. I thought I'd like to let you know that after more polishing and edits I have obtained a publishing contract for GERALD :)

    ReplyDelete