Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Fall Query Extravaganza 4


I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. 

Right now I'm full up with queries but contact me in November on twitter if you want your query showcased. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

 
Dear God-like Agent:

After modern goddess Pandia travels through time and flirts with Julius Caesar, Cleopatra complains to the gods. Pandia’s father, Zeus, is tired of complaints about his daughter, and sentences her to community service in Italy. He’ll commute her sentence when she shows she values mortals more than herself.  Before she leaves, he makes her vow to observe, and remain uninvolved.

Pandia’s not worried about her punishment. She’ll show Daddy she respects mortals and have some fun with handsome young men while she’s doing her time. To her surprise, Zeus doesn’t send her to modern Italy to mend her ways. Pandia’s stripped of her goddess power and sent to ancient Pompeii.  When a misplaced knee connects with a lecherous official, the official enslaves Pandia in the gladiator barracks. Another mishap lands her in the local amphitheater’s center ring, a swarthy gladiator named Caladus by her side.

To escape Pompeii, Pandia will have to prove she’s learned her lesson. But showing Daddy she values mortals is way harder than she thought.  Worse, Caladus is making her reconsider her vow.  And Mt. Vesuvius is rumbling.

TWIST OF FATE is a NA Time Travel Romance, complete at 73,000 words.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

With crazy added comments:

 
Dear God-like Agent: Perfect

After modern goddess Pandia travels through time and flirts with Julius Caesar, Cleopatra complains to the gods. I'm liking the humor of this, but I'm not certain what a modern goddess is. Or, the meaning didn't strike me immediately, though I get it now. Maybe: After thoroughly-21st-century goddess, Pandia ... Pandia’s father, Zeus, is tired of complaints about his daughter, and sentences her to community service in Italy. He’ll commute her sentence when she shows demonstrates? she values mortals more than herself. That would be a new trait for the gods. Never heard of them being too concerned for mortals before.  Before she leaves, he makes her vow to observe, and remain uninvolved. Wouldn't that make it hard for her to get her sentence commuted?

Pandia’s not worried about her punishment. She’ll show Daddy she respects mortals and have some fun with handsome young men while she’s doing her time. To her surprise, Zeus doesn’t send her to modern Italy to mend her ways. Pandia’s stripped of her goddess power and sent to ancient Pompeii. I'd end the paragraph here and move the next part down. But maybe tack something witty on the end first. No cell phones, no fashion sense, and no flitting wherever she chooses. Something that shows her priorities a little better.  When a misplaced knee connects with a lecherous official, the official enslaves Pandia in the gladiator barracks. Another mishap lands her in the local amphitheater’s center ring, a swarthy gladiator named Caladus by her side. 

To escape Pompeii, Pandia will have to prove she’s learned her lesson. But showing Daddy she values mortals is way harder than she thought.  Worse, Caladus is making her reconsider her vow.  And Mt. Vesuvius is rumbling. Ha! Adorable!

TWIST OF FATE is a NA Time Travel Romance, complete at 73,000 words.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration. The classic ending!

This query sold me. Chalk it up to subjectivity, but I'd read this in a flash! It has voice and humor, sets the stakes well. Maybe a touch more of what motivates Pandia and I'm sold.

24 comments:

  1. Here are some of my comments. Nasty little things, these comments are, I'm telling you. They keep coming no matter what you produce in a query.

    However, I'm telling you, I'm no expert at critiquing queries. Listen to me at your own risk.

    Dear God-like Agent:

    After modern goddess Pandia travels through time and flirts with Julius Caesar, Cleopatra complains to the gods. Pandia’s father, Zeus, is tired of complaints about his daughter, and sentences her to community service in Italy. He’ll commute her sentence when she shows she values mortals more than herself. Before she leaves, he makes her vow to observe, and remain uninvolved.

    [unnecessary background details and too many names might be there in your hook. You can try something like this:
    Modern Goddess Pandia flirts with men she wants to, even when she has to travel back in time to find them. Pandia’s father, Zeus, is tired of complaints about her, and sentences her to community service in Italy. He’ll commute her sentence when she shows she values mortals more than herself. Before she leaves, he makes her vow to observe, and remain uninvolved.]

    Pandia’s not worried about her punishment. She’ll show Daddy she respects mortals [I don't think so. Here, I'm expecting a promiscuous, rude, proud, and I-dont-give-a-damn Pandia. I don't know characteristics of your Pandia, but IMO, better would be "She thinks she'll somehow fool dumb Daddy into believing that she respects these mortal pests and..."] and have some fun with handsome young men while she’s doing her time. To her surprise, Zeus doesn’t send her to modern Italy to mend her ways. Pandia’s stripped of her goddess power and sent to ancient Pompeii. [Zeus doesn’t send her to modern Italy as she expected, but to ancient Pompeii and strips her powers] When a misplaced knee connects with a lecherous official, the official enslaves Pandia in the gladiator barracks.[This sentence is not needed IMO] Another [A... ] mishap lands her in the local amphitheater’s center ring, a swarthy gladiator named Caladus by her side.

    [I'm not able to follow how being in an amphitheater's center ring will make her value mortals more than herself. If you are showing physical threat to her mortal life as the transforming event, then a simple burglar's knife to throat would have sufficed. I was expecting something theatrical and melodramatic or a situation where human emotions play a central role.]

    To escape Pompeii, Pandia will have to prove she’s learned her lesson. But showing Daddy she values mortals is way harder than she thought. Worse, Caladus is making her reconsider her vow. And Mt. Vesuvius is rumbling.

    [I want to see what are the stakes for Pandia. What will happen if she fails, will she remain mortal and die as a mortal? will she wander earth for eternity? will she never be around a handsome man? something like that.]

    TWIST OF FATE is a NA Time Travel Romance, complete at 73,000 words.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok, I couldn't sleep thinking about my comment. So I woke up and logged in again. I think I sounded rude and mean in my critique. I'm really very sorry for that. I sounded like a jerkosaurus. And I forgot to tell you, your story sounds very interesting. I was flat impressed when I read your query, but didn't mention it.

      I critiqued it in half sleep state. I wasn't aware of what I was writing. :)

      Delete
  2. Absolutely no problem, Xander, we're friends! I take every comment seriously. Thank you for taking the time to give me input.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh! Martha! It was your query! Wow. I didn't know. If I knew, I wouldn't... well... What should I say...

      The concept of your story is totally cool. I liked it. The flirty modern goddess and all. And the voice in your query was enthralling.
      I think I may have been wrong about the hook. It totally sells, now I realize. The way you brought Caesar, Cleopatra, Zeus, and Pandia together, I think it is worth mentioning Like I keep saying, I'm no expert on queries. (I really need to get some sleep.)

      And hey, friends don't say thanks :)

      Delete
  3. Dear God-like Agent:

    After modern goddess Pandia travels through time and flirts with Julius Caesar, Cleopatra complains to the gods (Michelle nailed it on this one). Zeus, Pandia’s father, is tired of the complaints and sentences her to community service in Italy. He’ll commute her sentence when she shows she values mortals more than herself. He makes her vow to observe, and remain uninvolved. (I’d tell why she needs to be uninvolved here. Also, knowing the stakes more would help. Why does she need to listen about this? How long is her sentence?)

    Pandia’s not worried about her the punishment. She’ll show Daddy she respects mortals and have some fun while she’s doing her time- Preferably with handsome young men. To her surprise, Zeus doesn’t send her to modern Italy. Instead, Pandia’s stripped of her powers and sent to ancient Pompeii. When a lecherous official forces Pandia to misplace her knee in his crotch, the official enslaves her in the gladiator barracks. There, she ends up in the local amphitheater’s center ring with a swarthy gladiator named Caladus by her side.

    To escape Pompeii, Pandia will have to prove she’s learned her lesson. But showing Daddy she values mortals is way harder than she thought. Worse, Caladus is making her reconsider her vow. And Mt. Vesuvius is rumbling.

    TWIST OF FATE is a NA Time Travel Romance, complete at 73,000 words.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.


    I love the concept! The query was strong. I just tried to tighten it up more. 

    -Frank Anderson

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm going to throw my vote for exactly what Michelle has to say. It's not that I'm not original, but she nailed it this time. I had to reread the first sentence three times before it really made sense to me. Yes it is straightforward, but I'm dyslexic, so having to switch gears is likely to lose me in the forest (hint, you don't know if any of the agents are dyslexic, so fix that first sentence so it's easier to follow).

    This is so much awesome that I'm really hoping your pages are as good as your query. I cannot wait for this to be on shelves!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you so much everyone! How's this for tweaks?

    After 21st Century goddess Pandia travels through time and flirts with Julius Caesar, Cleopatra complains to the gods. Pandia’s father, Zeus, is tired of complaints about his daughter, and sentences her to community service in Italy. To commute her sentence, she must demonstrate she values mortal needs more than her own.

    Pandia’s not worried about her punishment. She’ll show Daddy she respects mortals and if she happens to meet a few handsome young men while she’s doing her time, E' la vita. To her surprise, Zeus doesn’t send her to modern Italy. Pandia’s stripped of her goddess power and sent to ancient Pompeii. A tad overwhelmed, Pandia soon decides she can live without mocha lattes, her cell phone, and designer clothing for a day or two.

    When her knee accidentally connects with a lecherous official, Pandia’s enslaved in Pompeii’s gladiator barracks. A second mishap lands her in the amphitheater with a sword in her hand, and a swarthy gladiator named Caladus by her side.

    To escape Pompeii, Pandia will have to prove she’s changed, but helping mortals is way harder than she thought, especially when they expect her to kill one. Worse, Caladus is proving awfully tempting, and Mt. Vesuvius is rumbling.

    TWIST OF FATE is a NA Time Travel Romance, complete at 73,000 words.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Michelle: I love "thoroughly" but when I put it in it sounded awkward; is this clearer? Any suggestions for my added sentence are, of course, welcome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like the tweaks you made to the query. I love the voice, especially how she thinks she can change her ways to appease Daddy in a day or two.

      Is there a way not to have complains and complaints in the same paragraph? (Just a nitpick)

      Best of luck!

      Delete
    2. I like you tweaks, but I'm still not sure about 21st century goddess. Sleep on it a few days and see if a better way to phrase it occurs to you.

      Delete
    3. I'd like it better if you had the "Mount Vesuvius" part on it's own . It makes it sound more dramatic. I think you could cut the "Caladus temping" part (It's obvious there's something between them, otherwise you wouldn't bother mentioning him), add "To escape Pompeii..." to the above paragraph and have "And Mount Vesuvius is rumbling" all on its own.

      Also, I would do this: She’ll show Daddy she respects mortals. And, if she happens to meet a few handsome (cut young. I can see Pandia "doing" anything between 20 and 35, as long as they're handsome) men while she’s doing her time, well, E' la vita.

      But I love it, Marty! Both the query and the book itself :)

      Delete
  6. I love the concept, but even mentioning she is a 21st century goddess is confusing. "Modern" nailed it, although needed explanation. It's hard to imagine a 21st century goddess who also is the daughter of an ancient god. You have a great idea going here, 'tho!

    Also, love the flirting with Caesar, but that brings her back to the past. Would she be flirting with someone more contemporary -- more her speed? Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I completely agree with Michelle and others that the voice really shines through in this query. If you've ever read Query Shark, that's one thing that the Shark frequently cites as a reason for liking a query, even if it "breaks the rules." You've got a fun voice here, and it's easy to imagine that following through into the manuscript. Nice tweaks by the rest of the "query crew", I don't have anything to add. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can see why this would attract, it has humour and it has a clear voice, great :) But for me (perhaps its the Ancient Mythology studies creeping in here), the premise of Zeus wanting one of his God-Children to respect humans doesn't work. Every tale and every version of the God's shows their complete disregard for mortals/humans and if anything, makes a game of toying with them. Even the Demi-Gods were barely looked on without indifference. Again, I'll repeat, this probably has more to do with my studies/qualifications

    The only other issue I have which is minor, you classify this as NA Time Travel Romance but to me, this is very much about the humour and there is no romance implied (at least for me), other than a bit of fun for a God with a mortal.

    Having said all of the above, I can see this being popular.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thanks for all the help with my query, and to Michelle for hosting it on her blog. I'll keep tweaking it based on your suggestions. Patchi: how about Cleo appeals to the gods?

    Nikola: thank you for your input. I see this novel as historically accurate regarding Pompeii, but my fantasy regarding mythology. You have a good point about the romance in the query. I'd hoped swarthy gladiator and his appeal in the last paragraph would be enough to give a hint of the romance.

    I've toyed with calling this Historical Fantasy, but there's a large romance plotline, hence my calling it a Time Travel Romance. What do others think?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your book is a bit difficult to put in any particular genre. It has elements of romance, time travel (that might come under science fiction), history, and mythology in particular.
      You can play around with any two of them:

      Mythological romance (my pick)
      Historical Romance
      Fantasy Romance
      Mythic Historical Romance
      Mythic Fantasy Romance
      Modern Mythological Romance
      Urban Mythology (my pick)
      Urban Fantasy
      Modern Mythology
      Urban Mythological Romance (my pick)

      You can try different permutations and combinations with 'Romance' to label a new genre.

      Delete
    2. Agents say you should think where it would be shelved in a bookstore. I doubt they'd have a time-traveling section. So would it be under romance or fantasy? You could say a historical fantasy with elements of romance.

      Delete
    3. I'm with Michelle this (to me) is a historical-fantasy w/romantic elements

      Delete
    4. When we call a story historical, it gives a perception that it is entirely set in history. But in this story, a person/god from Present goes back in past. Pandia very much belongs to our world. She is a goddess with a smartphone (likely).

      If in a story, a person from present goes back 20,000 years, we don't call it pre-historic fiction. Or, if a person from present goes back in Jurassic Period, we don't call it Jurassic fiction. It's still science fiction.

      While history romance may have its own fanbase and market, calling this story historical romance might limit the audience (of course, you and the publisher will work on deciding the genre in future).
      'Historic' may be slightly risky.

      Now I wonder, the word 'mythological' might be equally risky.

      Calling it fantasy and/or romance might work. Give it some time. Proper genre will show itself on its own.

      Delete
  10. Wow, thanks Xander! You put tons of effort into this.

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  11. I too, do not quite get the whole modern goddess reference. Learning to value mortals more than herself is vague ... what exactly does Zeus want. The phrase "... misplaced knee connects with ... " stopped me for a moment. How is Caladus making her reconsider her vow? Why is it hard to value mortals?

    Being sent to Pompeii where there is a ticking clock is a great premise. I love the last line!

    The genre? Definitely historical ... fantasy. That might be enough. Don't have to be too precise.

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  12. Urban Goddess. That does it I think. :)

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  13. I'm not sure about Urban Goddess - made me instantly think of Domestic Goddess... (or maybe that's me lol)

    Also,why would the issue of Pompeii even BE an issue? She's from the present, returned to the past, she's an immortal Goddess, surely she'd know Pompeii's history and what to expect? I don't quite understand how that is that much of a *real* threat -- unless she also doesn't have a memory of the future? Or are you saying she KNOWS Pompeii is about to erupt and she can't get out/leave?

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  14. Thank you everyone; I like Historical Fantasy with romantic elements.

    I agree with you, Xander, about using the term historical, although I've tried hard to be as historically accurate as possible (for example, there was a gladiator named Caladus. Graffiti on a wall in Pompeii says, "Caladus makes all the girls swoon/sigh"), but ultimately the book is fantasy.

    Pandia can't leave until she shows she respects mortals (which she realizes is vague as soon as she lands in Pompeii), and she knows Vesuvius will erupt.

    I've aimed for humor in the book, and, in Pandia's attempts to help others, she gets into tons of trouble. And it's called Twist of Fate for a reason.

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  15. A line from a journal on Historic Fiction I found on readwritethink (dot) org: The fictional characters, settings, and plot events must be portrayed authentically as if they actually could have happened.

    More criteria for Historic Fiction here:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Historical_fiction

    It's historic fiction as long as Alexander fights the Battle of Granicus. The moment superman enters to fight instead of Alexander, it becomes fantasy.

    But nothing is written in stone. Definitions are subjective. You know your story better than anyone else. We have read only the query. If you feel it is Historic, then Historic it is. If it works for author, then it works for everyone :)

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