Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Spring Query Extravaganza #1

It's here!! I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques in the next few weeks to celebrate spring. Right now I have spots open, but that will change fast. If you'd like a spot contact me on twitter quickly and be willing to leave comments for others.

Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward. 


Now to the fine print:

All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.

As sent to me:


Dear Agent Awesome:

At seventeen, Tashira has spent most of her life exposed to the underbelly of Kaiou. She grew up with her mother in one of the few places people can go and not be overheard by the Shulloran who control the sea with their voices. Through prayers and song, they keep the deadly Kryannians trapped at the bottom of the sea, but they’ve forbidden singing, a crime now punishable by death.

When a cabin boy is accused of singing—of risking everyone’s life should the Kryannians escape—no one comes to his aid. As Tashira watches, the boy proves his guilt by unleashing his voice in song. Instead of Kryannians rampaging through the bay of Kaiou, the guards’ armor turns to stone. The Shullorans never mentioned that songs could affect stone, and Tashira knows lies are never lonely. She finds the Shullorans have plans to break a wall in the mountains holding back another sea. They hope the extra water will keep the Kryannians farther from the surface, adding a layer of protection between the world and the monsters of the deep, but the extra water would flood Kaiou. If Tashira stops the Shullorans, she might unleash the Kryannians, but if she doesn’t, they will flood the city, killing thousands.

THE LAST STORM SINGER, a YA fantasy complete at 80,000 words, is similar to a cross between Avatar the Last Airbender and Pirates of the Caribbean.

With my crazy comments:

Dear Agent Awesome: Yes, they're all awesome! (Here comes the pink.)

At seventeen, Tashira has spent most of her life exposed to the underbelly of Kaiou. (Got it. She's poor. It's rough. She's tough. Good characterization.) She grew up with her mother in one of the few places people can go and not be overheard by the Shulloran who control the sea with their voices.(That's a lot of ideas for one sentence. Not really sure we need to know the mother part. It might be the wrong kind of info. Maybe break it up. She grew up in one of the few places people can't be overheard by the Shulloran. Through song and prayers, the Shulloran keep the deadly crab monsters trapped at the bottom of the sea, but forbid anyone else to sing.)  Through prayers and song, they(I'm having some pronoun confusion. :-( Is this they the Shullorans or Tashira and her mother?) keep the deadly Kryannians(This doesn't give me an idea what they actually are. Better to define them as I tried above.) trapped at the bottom of the sea, but they’ve(Again I'm confused. Who is singing and who is forbiddening it?  I think what you're saying is the Shullorans can sing but no one else can.) forbidden singing, a crime now punishable by death.

When a cabin boy is accused of singing—of risking everyone’s life should the Kryannians(It would help to know what the Kryannians are.) escape—no one comes to his aid. As Tashira watches, the boy proves his guilt by unleashing his voice in song.(Seems kind of stupid of him.) Instead of Kryannians rampaging through the bay of Kaiou, the guards’ armor turns to stone. The Shullorans never mentioned that songs could affect stone (Affect? They affected the metal armor, didn't they? Changed metal, not stone.  Or to stone. Technicalities, right. Also what happened to the boy? His punishment would be a warning to Tashira.), and Tashira knows lies are never lonely.(Isolated? Solitary? I like this sentiment!)  She finds the Shullorans have plans to break a wall in the mountains holding back another('Another' may just muddy the waters. Might not need this additional info.) sea. They hope the extra water will keep the Kryannians farther from the surface, adding a layer of protection between the world and the monsters of the deep, but the extra water would flood Kaiou. If Tashira risks beheading to sing to stops the Shullorans, she might unleash the Kryannians, but if she doesn’t, they city will flood the city, killing thousands. (Nice stakes! I am wondering how she can stop the Shullorans? By singing I'm guessing.)

THE LAST STORM SINGER, a YA fantasy complete at 80,000 words, is similar to a cross between Avatar the Last Airbender and Pirates of the Caribbean. (That's some blending! I want to read that!)



I think this query just needs a little cleaning up to clarify who is doing what or forbidding what in the first paragraph. 

I'm not exactly sure how 'not being overheard' really comes into the rest of the query. And if they can't be 'overheard' how did they hear the cabin boy? Maybe 'ignored' is a better way to introduce this part. They were ignored until the Shullorans forbid singing and a cabin boy sang out. 

This query does have great stakes that sets up a unique concept.  

  


10 comments:

  1. I agree with Michelle. It was hard to keep everyone straight which distracted me from the MC and her story. I agree that the first sentence lends characterization, but it really didn't hook me. Unique idea but the execution could be better. Good luck!

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  2. Thanks Michelle and Query Faerie!

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  3. I like the premise here, and this definitely sounds like a story I would be interested to read. I agree, however, that it could use some clarification, or maybe trimming to simplify.

    The choice she has to make is great. Excellent dilemma. But where Michelle added the note about risking beheading to sing, this shows where where we're missing the personal stakes. What's personally at risk for her? I think it's implied earlier, but might need to be spelled out in that last sentence.

    Best wishes!

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  4. The first sentence is a nice set-up of character, but it gets a bit muddled after that. For the Kryannians, it would help to explain "the monsters of the deep" (I like the phrase!) in the first paragraph instead of saying "deadly Kryannians." And so forth with the Shulloran. I agree with Michelle H that personal stakes need to be amped up. Hope this helps!

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  5. First impressions of this query are that's it's good bringing in the setting and the fantasy. I understand that from the off. The Shulloran remind me of sirens, but in a good way. The concept sounds unique, whilst also hinting that we'll be able to understand the types of creatures/species in the novel.

    "one of the few places people can go" I know this is trying not to be over-specific, but it, to me, sounds too vague, even if just in terms of setting. Can you expand the setting a little more by one phrase that could explain how/where this place exists? Even if simply 'the castle/school grounds/flats' (but, you know, actual fantasy places that have slipped from my mind for the moment).

    I agree that it seems rather stupid of the boy to sing and prove his guilt, but then I gather he's a minor character and I'm not one to judge plot-progression flaws of character.

    Personally, I'd like to know what makes the Kryannians 'deadly'. I don't know if you intended so, but I'm gathering that they're only 'deadly' because the Shulloran said so, which takes away the decision of the final line. But I gather that is me on my own.

    I love the name Tashira, by the way!

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  6. My fav part of the query is the last bit: If Tashira stops the Shullorans, she might unleash the Kryannians, but if she doesn’t, they will flood the city, killing thousands.

    This is I think, your strongest part and I really love this. There are stakes and dire consequences and it made me really wonder how is she going to choose between her home and her need to stop the 'bad guys'.

    The rest is just muddled alphabets in a tomato soup.
    For one thing, I'd love if you can clarify who are the shulloran and the kyrannians. I'm guessing Kyrannians are bad people imprisoned right at the bottom of the sea. But I don't know anything about them to feel the danger ti represents. Like what powers do they have to terrorise the world? Do they kill people? How are they terrifying?

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  7. Here are my thoughts in "[ ]."

    At seventeen, Tashira has spent most of her life exposed to the underbelly of Kaiou. [Love the “exposed” and “underbelly.” Says a lot] She grew up with her mother in one of the few places people can go and not be overheard by the Shulloran who control the sea with their voices [This sentence could be tightened. Maybe try “With her mother, she lives in a rare place — one the Shulloran, beings who control the sea, cannot hear.” But what does the mother have to do with the rest of this?]. Through prayers and song, they keep the deadly Kryannians trapped at the bottom of the sea, but they’ve forbidden singing, a crime now punishable by death. [This is definitely world-building interesting, but the focus shifted to the Shulloran, when I think you should stay with Tashira in this paragraph to set up your main character. Maybe move this information elsewhere?]

    When a cabin boy is accused of singing—of risking everyone’s life should the Kryannians escape—no one comes to his aid. As Tashira watches, the boy proves his guilt by unleashing his voice in song. Instead of Kryannians rampaging through the bay of Kaiou, the guards’ armor turns to stone. [So is the cabin boy a main character? Tashira is merely witnessing; she’s not doing anything here – even though it’s, again, very interesting. I want to latch onto Tashira as the hero.] The Shullorans never mentioned that songs could affect stone, and Tashira knows lies are never lonely. [Love the phrasing: “Lies are never lonely.”] She finds the Shullorans have plans to break a wall in the mountains holding back another sea. [Now Tashira is being ACTIVE. How does she find these plans? Focus on her.] They hope the extra water will keep the Kryannians farther from the surface, adding a layer of protection between the world and the monsters of the deep, but the extra water would flood Kaiou. . [I see the stakes here, but again, this is focusing on the Shullorans, rather than Tashira. Bring it back to her. What are HER stakes? Will her mother die?] If Tashira stops the Shullorans, she might unleash the Kryannians, but if she doesn’t, they will flood the city, killing thousands.

    THE LAST STORM SINGER, a YA fantasy complete at 80,000 words, is similar to a cross between Avatar the Last Airbender and Pirates of the Caribbean. . [Love the references. Gives me a good idea of what you’re going for. But you should probably give the genre and word count at the top. It feels less organic, but I think agents probably want to know what they’re looking at right off the bat. Great job!]

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  8. I have to agree with Michelle on most of her points. Admittedly, I was confused through most of the query. How do the Shullorans control the sea? Why did the little boy sing? What exactly are Kryannians? There are too many questions for me to really connect with the character and blurb, in general. However, I do like the stakes you've identified in the last sentence of the blurb! You've got a great start here, and with a little cutting and clarification, I think you're query will be excellent.

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  9. I agree with others that we need to know more about the Kryannians and the Shullorans. Maybe a better structure is "At seventeen, Tashira has spent most of her life exposed to the underbelly of Kaiou. On one side, she faces the sea and the evil, no-good, fish-stealing Kryannians. On the other side, she lives in the shadow of the evil, no-good, iron-fisted Shullorans." At that point, the reader expects there to be conflict between these three parties.

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  10. I try not to read the other comments before writing my own, so there might be some repetition here.
    The story sounds intriguing, but I was confused right from the start by the names. After the first few sentences I couldn't remember who was who, who were the good guys and who the bad.
    Having had a similar problem - too many names of characters, places and peoples -, I now try to stick to the rule of thumb that has been recommended to me: max. 3 names. More, especially when fantasy names, will confuse the reader. Remember, while you have lived in that world for months or years, your reader hasn't.
    On a different level, I'd consider putting the sentence containing the title up front, but I know opinions on that vary.
    Good luck!

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