Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward.
Now to the fine print:
All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.
As sent to me:
Eleven-year-old Sylvie is angry at everyone. After her mother pulled her from school and relocated her and her sister to a stinky RV in a Louisiana campground, Sylvie gave up on making new friends. She'd rather hang out with the campground critters than explain her unusual hobbies to kids who'd only be around to make fun of her for a few days anyway.
When a mysterious fox leads her into the woods, Sylvie mistakenly frees a mystical, vengeful woman. She soon finds herself trapped in a new land with her little sister, a talking fox, and an annoying boy she can't ditch. They discover the evil woman is attacking them as part of her plan to make those who trapped her suffer. Sylvie must now confront the Raven Queen to find a way home or remain trapped in this new land forever.
Inspired by dark fairy tales and trickster tales, REVENGE OF THE RAVEN QUEEN, a 40,000-word MG fantasy, is my first completed novel.
With my crazy comments:
Eleven-year-old Sylvie is angry at everyone. Okay, that's pretty clear. You've characterized her here and I want to see that carry through the rest of the query. Make the query sound angry. After her mother pulled her from school and relocated her and her sister to a stinky RV in a Louisiana campground, Sylvie gave up on making new friends.I'm wondering the why behind this. And maybe more anger. She never asked to be pulled from school and relocated to a stinky RV in a Louisiana campground just so her mom could study mosquito populations. She'd rather hang out with the campground critters than explain her unusual hobbies to kids who'd only be around to make fun of her for a few days anyway. 'Unusual hobbies' catches my attention, but I don't see any details. And as it doesn't come up again in the query, maybe you should cut it. Either expand or cut. She'd rather hang out with campground critters than explain why she's collecting used silly putty to kids who'll just be gone tomorrow.
Also it may be better to end with the critters as that leads us into the next paragraph with the fox. It's not like she can make friends when everyone leaves after a week anyway. She'd rather befriend the campground critters. (And if you're trying for upper MG maybe change critters to wildlife. Don't want to talk down to kids.)
When a mysterious fox leads her into the woods, Sylvie mistakenly frees a mystical, vengeful woman.(Frees her from what? Is she under a rock? In a stream? Some kind of magic container?) The adjectives make the villain kind of generic. When a mysterious fox leads her into the woods, Sylvie mistakenly plucks a mystical rose and frees a woman with revenge for 100 years of captivity on her mind. She soon finds herself trapped in a new land with her little sister, a talking fox, and an annoying boy she can't ditch. I assume the Raven Queen took her there. But isn't this exactly with Mom did to Sylvia? You've got a second relocation. Wouldn't that really peeve Sylvia off? The vengeful Raven Queen drags Sylvia, her little sister, and an annoying boy she can't ditch, along with the talking fox to a new land. But no one relocates Sylvia against her will a second time--especially if they aren't even family. They discover the evil woman is attacking them as part of her plan to make those who trapped her suffer.(But that wasn't Sylvie so why take it out on her? It might be better to avoid the questions this raises. This also seems like a weak plan for a powerful person. Would the Raven Queen want more than revenge? Some kind of power grab is the usual style.) Sylvie must now confront the Raven Queen to find a way home or remain trapped in this new land forever. Come back to your first sentence. Sylvie must redirect her anger to confront the Raven Queen and rescue the four of them or be trapped forever.
Inspired by dark fairy tales and trickster tales, REVENGE OF THE RAVEN QUEEN, a 40,000-word MG fantasy, is my first completed novel. (Good word count. All the ingredients are here.)
In this query I see lots of opportunity to repeat the themes you've established in the first paragraph. The themes of anger and of Sylvia not being able to control her life. Best of luck!
Okay, so MG is not really my jam, but I just wanted to say I love the idea. I agree with Michelle's edits. I also think the Raven Queen would want revenge on a larger scale, and maybe she wants Sylvie to help her get it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Michelle - we need to understand what this adventure means to Sylvie. The query has to sell the story. What this query sells is 'an angry little girl falls into a fairytale land.' I'm not getting a sense that she will become a heroine or learn something about herself. I'm interested in the trickster tale part. I assume a twist is at work in this story.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a really great book. I agree with everything Michelle said (I know, it's sort of boring to keep hearing that, but it's the truth, she's awesome with queries). The highlights from Michelle's comments are definitely the vague moments. I really feel like this query could knock it out of the park if you just got a little more specific. What are her unusual hobbies? Freed the Raven Queen from what? How is the Raven Queen going to exact revenge, and how is Sylvie involved? Answer these questions, make sure to keep the query focused on Sylvie, and this will get requests.
ReplyDeleteI love the first line and the set-up! Really good. I think you could strengthen Sylvie's characterization by telling us what her unusual hobbies are. Also, the voice could be strengthened and tweaked so that the excellent set-up shines even more. Michelle had some great tips, assuming they align with Sylvie's voice in the story. This is a nit-picky thing, but I think changing "When a mysterious fox leads her into the woods..."Bored and alone, Sylvie follows a mysterious fox into the woods..." or something along those lines in your own voice. Lastly, I'd like to know the specifics about how and what she freed the witch from. This query just needs a few minor and tiny tweaks to be perfect! I would definitely read this story. Great job!
ReplyDelete[Okay, I'm going to have a go at critiquing all over here, but I neither read nor write MG, so my perspective might be all wrong.]
ReplyDeleteEleven-year-old Sylvie is angry at everyone. ['Show, don't tell' here? I'm not keen on that naming emotion. How is she angry at everybody? When I'm angry, I just cry, but Sylvie might blank her relations.] After her mother pulled her from school and relocated her and her sister to a stinky RV in a Louisiana campground, Sylvie gave up on making new friends. [I'm also wondering if the second sentence would fit better as present tense.] She'd rather hang out with the campground critters than explain her unusual hobbies [Like what? Talk to animals who don't talk back or build castles made of grass? (Not that I ever did that... :P)] to kids who'd only [be around to - I'd remove] make fun of her for a few days anyway.
When a mysterious fox leads her into the woods, Sylvie mistakenly frees a mystical, vengeful woman. She soon [remove the 'soon' - I don't think it adds anything] finds herself trapped in a new land [what sort of new land? I'd like some kooky description of a landscape here] with her little sister, a talking fox, and an annoying boy she can't ditch. They discover the evil woman is attacking them as part of her plan to make those who trapped her suffer. Sylvie must now confront the Raven Queen to find a way home or remain trapped in this new land forever.
[You could tighten to remove words like 'then', 'soon' and 'now' and really bring us into the story - instead of things like 'they discover', show us how exactly they come to this discovery. Could you use a flourish of a sentence to echo a sense of evil/doom from the Raven Queen? '...an evil woman emerging from...'. The word 'trapped' is mentioned three times, too, though I'm not sure about vocab variety in MG, so I might be wrong in saying at least one could have a synonym.]
id like to hear more about what happens when they are with the Raven Queen does she remind the girl of her mother or is she even more difficult.
ReplyDeleteThe premise sounds really interesting, but I'm waiting for the "trickster tales" to come to play. I don't see anything tricky in the query. I agree with Michelle's comments (she's great at this!). You wrote "new land" twice in the last paragraph, might want to change up the language so it's not repeating? Would like clarification on what kind of land--does it have magic? Sure sounds like it does. What kind of magic? Also, the first read-through, I thought the "mystical, vengeful woman" was the Raven Queen. It would help if you set up the Raven Queen more--who is she and why does Syvlie need to confront her?
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting story, but as I read it, a number of things puzzle me. (I try to comment without reading previous comments, so there might be some repetition here.)
ReplyDeleteWhy does her mother pull her out of school? And why that specific new location? Also, "for a few days"- so it# snot permanent? This has me confused right from the start.
The "mystical, vengeful woman" seems very vague to me. A witch/sorceress? What's mystical about her?
And how does Sylvie know she's vengeful?
Is the mysterious fox the same as the talking fox? If he's an important character, maybe name him? (I know it's better not to give too many names in a query, but you don't give many to start with.)
Also, the plan of the evil woman (the same one Sylvie freed, I assume?) sounds confusing or maybe generic.
And there is no information about the Raven Queen - who is she, and what does confronting her entail?
I hope any of this is helpful. Good luck!
Here are my comments, before I read Michelle's. I definitely think this is an interesting concept! More RV stuff makes this unique!
ReplyDeleteEleven-year-old Sylvie is angry at everyone. After her mother pulled her from school and relocated her and her sister to a stinky RV in a Louisiana campground, Sylvie gave up on making new friends. [As an avid camper myself, I am intrigued. They’re living in this camper? Are they going to school?] She'd rather hang out with the campground critters than explain her unusual hobbies to kids who'd only be around to make fun of her for a few days anyway. [What unusual hobbies? I can see wanting to hang out with “campground critters” instead of people, but the unusual hobbies throws me off.]
When a mysterious fox leads her into the woods, Sylvie mistakenly frees a mystical, vengeful woman. [Whoa, what? How did she free her?] She soon finds herself trapped in a new land with her little sister, a talking fox, and an annoying boy she can't ditch. [Okay, so the fox is here again. But where did the little sister and annoying boy come from? Did the vengeful woman send them here?] They discover the evil woman is attacking them as part of her plan to make those who trapped her suffer. [Okay, here’s my answer. But Sylvie, her sister, and this annoying boy didn’t trap her. They freed her.] Sylvie must now confront the Raven Queen to find a way home or remain trapped in this new land forever.
Inspired by dark fairy tales and trickster tales, REVENGE OF THE RAVEN QUEEN, a 40,000-word MG fantasy, is my first completed novel. [Intriguing! I like, I like!]