Monday, April 21, 2014

Spring Query Extravaganza #4

It's here!! I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques in the next few weeks to celebrate spring. Right now I have no spots open. Keep watching and it's likely I'll reopen near the end of the month. 

Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward. 

Now to the fine print:


All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.

As sent to me:



Dear [agent name],

My YA fantasy novel, Dragonflame, is complete at 113,000 words. I am querying you because […].

As dragons invade her homelands, young mage Naya seeks an exiled dragon to stand with her against his own kind.

15-year-old Naya has just escaped from her homeland where the king persecutes girls with magic and sends them to prison. So when her rescuer, venerable mage Mariyana, learns the king plans an invasion, Naya is eager to join the adult mages in the defence of her new home.

As the enemy turns out to include a host of dragons set on revenge, the mages scramble to find a way to stop them, for they lost the ability to kill dragons many generations ago.

Following hints from reckless young mage Evulon, Naya discovers an exiled dragon could help them win over the powerful mages of Numara island, only to find he will not join a lost cause.

Yet when Naya suddenly holds his life flame in her hands, she has to decide how to use this dragon’s power.

DRAGONFLAME is a standalone novel with a potential for sequels following Naya’s and Evulon’s adventures in the Western Lands and beyond.

I am a trilingual management assistant and translator living in Paris. I am a member of the SCBWI and have attended several writers’ conferences and workshops. Dragonflame is my first full-length novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

With my crazy comments:

Dear [agent name],

My YA fantasy novel, Dragonflame, is complete at 113,000 words. I am querying you because […]. This is a big word count for YA. We don't want to scare anyone off. I'd probably save this information until the end. Try to let your query hook agents first. 

Edit: So the author has contacted me to say the 113K is an old word count. It should ready 97K. A much more acceptable number. Time to update that query file. Make sure that doesn't accidentally get sent to agents. 

As dragons invade her homelands, young mage Naya seeks an exiled dragon to stand with her against his own kind. (This is a stronger hook than last time I saw this.)

15-year-old Naya has just escaped is saved from her homeland where the king persecutes girls with magic and sends them to prison.(Maybe a little smoother to use: where girls with magic are persecuted and sent to prison.) So when her rescuer(Confusion. I thought she'd escaped by herself. This makes me think twice about Naya as an active MC.), venerable mage Mariyana, learns the king plans an invasion, Naya is eager to join the radult mages in the defence of her new home. (Try leading with Naya and keeping her the key role here. Don't let another character take center stage. Naya is eager to join her rescuers, including the venerable mage Mariyana, stop the king's planned invasion.  If Mariyana is not mentioned again I'd delete her. Maybe go with ,including venerable mages,)

As the enemy(This confuses me again. They are Naya's enemy, that means they are working with the king? Try: One of the king's allies) turns out to include a host of dragons set on revenge, the mages scramble to find a way to stop them, for they lost the ability to kill dragons many generations ago.

Following hints from reckless young mage Evulon(I doubt we need this information about Evulon.), Naya discovers an exiled dragon could help them win over the powerful mages of Numara island(We don't know where this is or who these mages are. You're getting into a name lalapalooza. Don't let that happen. Stick to the basics. One or two characters with names. If you're going to name someone else, I'd go with the dragon. Every detail of how the story enfolds does not have to be included. Sometimes writers are too close to see what to leave out.), only to find he will not join a lost cause.

Yet when Naya suddenly holds his life flame in her hands, she has to decide how to use this dragon’s power. Right now the sinker line isn't setting up a choice or moral decision. We also don't see do this or this bad thing will  happen. Keep the focus on her and the dragon. The rebels give Naya the task of recruiting a dragon to switch sides, but how? Their honor prevents it. When Naya suddenly holds the exiled dragon Firebreath's life flame in her hands, she has to decide whether to keep the dragon's power for herself or respect him as an individual and allow him to choose. OR STRONGER she has to decide whether to keep the dragon's power for herself or let him free and allow the king to win and keep girls imprisoned forever.  


DRAGONFLAME is a standalone novel with a potential for sequels following Naya’s and Evulon’s adventures in the Western Lands and beyond. I'd leave Evulon out of it or make him important from the first paragraph. Replace him where Mariyana is now if you want to keep him and include why he is important.

I am a trilingual management assistant and translator living in Paris. I am a member of the SCBWI and have attended several writers’ conferences and workshops. Dragonflame is my first full-length novel. (Good.) 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely, (Same here as with the other writer and the closing. You don't really need 'sincerely' with the thanks already there.)

I feel this query veers offtrack in a few places with a character soup and unimportant details. Sure world building is great but keep the focus tighter on Naya and what she needs to do. Beef up your stakes. There's nothing in here about what bad things will happen if the king succeeds. How will the king's winning hurt Naya? Show us what she struggles against. We saw a little of this with girls being confined. Is she fighting to help free girls? Maybe bring that back around to the ending line. 

7 comments:

  1. This sounds like a great concept! I like the dragon aspect and the world in general. I'd agree that the word count is on the high side so leaving that out is beneficial. The first line didn't have any impact for me. It seems a little too general, and while I understand that dragons are invading, what are the stakes? Death? Destruction of natural resources? I think adding this into the line would strengthen the hook. As the query moves on, the number of character confuses the stakes. I agree with Michelle that the mention of Mariyana seems unnecessary. I'm not sure what will happen exactly with the dragon's life flame or what the decision really is about. I think you need to elaborate or tighten what exactly Naya has to choose between in this sentence. This is such a great start! I have no doubts with a small amount of tweaking, you'll have a top notch query.

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  2. This sounds like a very interesting book. I have to admit that I got lost a few times. My problem is that I don't see how your pieces in the query connect to each other. Query letters work best when they move with the same ebb and flow as a story. You want to introduce the characters and problems, show the pinch that's stopping them, then let us see what's at stake should they fail. When in doubt, revert back to MC wants X but Villain tries to stop her with Y. If she fails Z.

    Good luck, and I think you have a great concept here.

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  3. I don't have a query in this extravaganza, so I hope it's all right if I throw my 2 cents in.

    I agree with all the comments above, so I'll try not to repeat. As I was reading the query, I thought maybe DRAGONFLAME is told from both the perspective of Naya and Evulon. If so, Evulon is definitely an important character, but we need to know more about his challenges and stakes. If not, then Evulon is still probably important, but like those before me said, he needs to be moved up and an explanation of his role in the story (and Naya's life) should be included.

    I know DRAGONFLAME can't be copyrighted as a title, but it's a pretty common title in the Fantasy arena. I can think of at least 3 best selling authors that have that title in the middle of their series. This could provide a challenge for you to show how your DRAGONFLAME is different, but it can also work to your advantage because it immediately puts your book on a potential bookshelf.

    When querying, though, you might check if a publisher or agent already has that exact title on their list.

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  4. I feel like I want more of Naya. What matters to her? What's her motivation? Keep the focus on her.

    I agree about Evulan. More if he's important. If not, cut him here.

    The last story sentence threw me. The hook set up a story question where she has to convince the dragon to help, then we get here and it shifts to what might be a moral dilemma for her? Or maybe setting something else up? I feel like the sentence about the flame took a turn I didn't follow.
    I think focusing on Naya throughout will help a great deal here. I just want to get to know her better.

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  5. I'm not so much a fan of so many short paragraphs. Perhaps you could increase the tension by varying the sentence structures?

    '15-year-old Naya has just escaped from her homeland' - Can you make this stronger? The tense puts me off. 'Running from a homeland where etc, 15-yr-old Naya seeks...'

    What is her new home? Something feels missing here.

    'As the enemy turns out to include a host of dragons set on revenge' - this feels telling to me. I think it would be stronger if the reader found these out as they happen. Eg. "A host of dragons" - what sort of dragons? - "emerge from the hills and seek revenge against the mages for...".

    I'm generally overcome, which is think is due to, as the others have pointed out, the abundance of characters and places. I want to know what the main story and who the antagonist is.
    I'd merge the paragraphs with wordcount and title. Don't know if it's wise to say that's your first novel. You say 'full-length', suggesting you've written short stories, so turn that positive. 'I've written short fiction...' or something.

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  6. I try to do this before I read Michelle's comments, so I can see if I'm near to what she says. Seems like the makings of a very intriguing book here!

    Dear [agent name],

    My YA fantasy novel, Dragonflame, is complete at 113,000 words. I am querying you because […].

    As dragons invade her homelands, young mage Naya seeks an exiled dragon to stand with her against his own kind. [[That’s a pretty good hook. I’m curious to see how Naya will convince this dragon to stand with her instead of his own race.]]

    15-year-old Naya has just escaped from her homeland where the king persecutes girls with magic and sends them to prison. [[HARSH! Why only girls? Why to prison? If they have magic, can’t they bust out easily?]] So when her rescuer, venerable mage Mariyana, learns the king plans an invasion, Naya is eager to join the adult mages in the defence [[defense]] of her new home. [[So Naya was sent to prison, Mariyana saved her, and now Naya wants to defend her home? How did Mariyana save her? Did Naya show some spunk getting herself out? Just trying to be clear. If the answer is yes, it’s a little embedded and might confuse people like me.]]

    As the enemy turns out to include a host of dragons set on revenge, the mages scramble to find a way to stop them, for they lost the ability to kill dragons many generations ago. [[And apparently to bust out of prisons too. Why did they lose this ability?]]

    Following hints from reckless young mage Evulon, Naya discovers an exiled dragon could help them win over the powerful mages of Numara island, only to find he will not join a lost cause. [[he-the dragon or Evulon? Why was the dragon exiled?]]

    Yet when Naya suddenly holds his life flame in her hands, she has to decide how to use this dragon’s power. [[How did she get his life flame? What is an exiled dragon’s life like?]]

    DRAGONFLAME is a standalone novel with a potential for sequels following Naya’s and Evulon’s adventures in the Western Lands and beyond. [[Oh, so Evulon is a big deal? Didn’t get a good sense of that.]]

    I am a trilingual management assistant and translator living in Paris. I am a member of the SCBWI and have attended several writers’ conferences and workshops. Dragonflame is my first full-length novel. [[Impressive. Great!]]

    Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

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  7. I love anything with dragons! But I agree with Jen Garrett--there's other books out there with the title DRAGONFLAME, so perhaps another title might be in order?

    The beginning starts out strong "As dragons invade her homelands," but why would an exiled dragon help a mage to stand against his own kind? Revenge? Hatred?

    If Naya has escaped her homeland already, then why does she care to go back and save the populace? Is she going to end up fighting the dragons or the king? What kind of magic does Naya have? Anything that makes her stand out?

    Who is the king invading? I thought the king ruled over Naya's homeland, so is he invading his own country? Is the king in cahoots with the dragons?

    Set up the stakes more. If Naya is holding the dragon's life flame in her hands, has she befriended him then? Is there a moral stake, where she feels she needs to do what's right for her country (by using the dragon's power) but she needs to keep the dragon safe because she's developed feelings for him?

    I think if you can clarify who the enemy is, what Naya's motives are for saving her homeland, and the dragon's motives for helping/not helping, you're on your way to a really strong query. Also, if Evulon's a big part of the story (as you said it might be part of a series), you should flesh him out in the query.

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