Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward.
Now to the fine print:
All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.
As sent to me:
Blood Reign is a YA Fantasy retelling of Alice in Wonderland meets Wizard of Oz set in a medieval world.
Seventeen-year-old Alice never considered herself the suicidal type. That is, until she finds herself cornered between the men who killed her mother and a five-hundred-foot drop. Rather than facing the killers’ dark plans for her, Alice jumps.
Instead of falling to her death, Alice wakes up in the middle of a blood-soaked battlefield, where men in metal armour are slaughtering peasants. Alice flees from the battle and encounters an old seer, who believes Alice is destined to save this world from the evil queen and the tyranny of her army.
Refusing to believe she can save anyone, Alice sets out on a journey to find a witch with the power to return her to her world. To protect herself from marauders preying on women, Alice disguises herself as a man. Aided by a gorgeous runaway slave and a physician, Alice must survive the ongoing war between the evil queen and the rebels—even if it means killing people to get home.
BLOOD REIGN is my debut novel. Complete at 76,000 words, it works well as a standalone and also has a series potential. I hope it would appeal to fans of the Alanna series by Tamora Pierce.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
With my crazy comments:
Blood Reign is a YA Fantasy retelling of Alice in Wonderland meets Wizard of Oz set in a medieval world. I see this is missing a word count. You'll need a number when you actually query. Leaving it off can be a warning sign to agents.
Seventeen-year-old Alice never considered herself the suicidal type. Concise and to the point. Be interesting to know what type she does consider herself. That would give more of her personality. This doesn't tell me what makes Alice be Alice. For instance: Seventeen-year-old Alice likes trying on dresses and afternoon tea, she never considered herself suicidal. Now we know she's a girly girl. That is, until she finds herself cornered between the men who killed her mother and a five-hundred-foot drop. I like that the details are specific. One other detail I might like to know is how long ago did they kill her mother. I bet you can sneak that into this sentence. Rather than facing the killers’ dark plans for her, Alice jumps. That does tell us more about Alice. We can judge her on her choices.
Instead of falling to her death, Alice wakes up in the middle of a blood-soaked battlefield, where men in metal armour(Using a GB spelling instead of American.) are slaughtering peasants. Alice flees from the battle and encounters an old seer, who believes Alice is destined to save this world from the evil queen and the tyranny of her army. (Okay but it's trending toward the synopsis side now. I like her for jumping/taking action. I want that activeness to continue. Also try and give it a little voice. Instead of becoming a pancake, Alice wakes on a blood-soaked battlefield, where crazies in metal armour are happily slaughtering peasants. Alice says poo-poo to that insanity and jets, but encounters an old seer, ...)
Refusing to believe she can save anyone, Alice sets out on a journeys(Why not just use 'journeys' to save word count?) to find a witch with the power to return her to her world.(A little awkward at the end. Maybe--to return her home.) Here is Alice's motivation. She wants out. Now we need to see what's stopping her. To protect herself from marauders preying on women, Alice disguises herself as a man.(This seems to be getting lost in a trifling detail. It's not a huge deal compared to the rest of the query. Plus it doesn't lead and build to the next sentence. It doesn't say what's stopping Alice from her goal. Cut and go for something more important.) Aided by a gorgeous runaway slave and a physician(I can see this is the love interest but we don't have any other context to judge these guys. They are just sort of flat. Maybe cut.), Alice must survive the ongoing war between the evil queen and the rebels—even if it means killing people to get home. And sorry but splat. You've gone generic. There are no nice juicy specifics here to make me want to read. Why can't she just hide from the queen and the rebels and creep to the witch? I'm guessing something makes her fight, but it's not here. Also what happened to her mother's killers? Does this world tie back to what happened with mom? The last sinker sentence is the perfect place to mention it! Shake Shake! Mention it!
Alice intends to creep under the radar, find and bribe the 'ya-right' witch, and get out of this weird version of Dodge. Then she discovers the evil Queen is behind her mother's death. Now she'll blank or blank will happen.
BLOOD REIGN is my debut novel. Complete at 76,000 words, it works well as a standalone and also has a series potential. I hope it would appeal to fans of the Alanna series by Tamora Pierce. (Ah, here's the word count. I would combine this with the first sentence and put at either the top or the bottom but not both places. It's taking up room. BLOOD REIGN is a YA Fantasy retelling of Alice in Wonderland meets Wizard of Oz set in a medieval world. Complete at 76,000 words...)
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, (If you want to get picky, then you don't need both the thanks above and this sign off. Query Shark has recommended just going with thanks for your consideration.)
This is a query with all the details there, but it just needs a better sum up of the stakes. Also giving Alice a stronger voice will make an agent pay attention.
I agree that we could use a few details in the first sentence as to what type of girl Alice is. Also, the sentence where you say Alice disguises herself as a man doesn't add anything to the query blurb. I'd suggest cutting that all-together. Also, that was the sentence where I started to get the feeling of a synopsis rather than a query. However, I love this concept and the first paragraph. The stakes are high from the start and Alice's actions make me instantly like her! Good job!
ReplyDeleteWow, Michelle, you give really good, insightful feedback. I'm going to go back and rework my query letter after reading your comments on this one. Maybe then I'll have the courage to submit for your perusal.
ReplyDeleteThese are really good points from Monique and from Michelle (she's fantastic with query letters!). I don't really think I can add anything on how this particular query letter is constructed, so I'm going to give you a more general opinion.
ReplyDeleteFirst, some caveats about my opinion. It's just that, opinion. People are all different and what floats one person's boat can make another cringe. I offer my opinion in the hope that you might be able to take something from it and improve your chances of getting an agent interested in reading it.
I think you may need to rewrite your query letter because I don't see how your book is different from other Alice in Wonderland retellings. There have been a surge of books like this (including ones that have sold recently), and it's hard to see how yours is anything but a retelling. I also don't get any feel for the Wizard of OZ. Part of the problem is that the WoOZ and AiWL have basically the same plot- girl gets transported to wild, psychedelic world and tries to find her way home. In AiWL, she had the power the whole time, in WoOZ, she had the power the whole time. If there are particular aspects, then show us in the query. Trust that people know the basics of AinWL and tell us why this particular Alice is different from the others.
Also, I don't understand why she's in such a hurry to get back to the real world: there are murders in the real world waiting for her. It doesn't sound like life back in the real world was all tea and roses, so her motivation for leaving war torn wonderland isn't as strong as I'd like. (Maybe she's picking up some pointers in Wonderland for how to defend herself when she gets home?)
Just my thoughts, and good luck with whatever you choose!
Here are my comments in “[ ]”
ReplyDeleteBlood Reign is a YA Fantasy retelling of Alice in Wonderland meets Wizard of Oz set in a medieval world. [Love the title. Got the genre. Where’s the word count? And my head just exploded trying to think of how these things go together. Maybe not the best hook.]
Seventeen-year-old Alice never considered herself the suicidal type. [ESPECIALLY because you reference your main character as “Alice,” I would lose the Alice in Wonderland reference. That’s too heavy hitting, in my opinion – as in I’m thinking of Alice from Alice in Wonderland and not your character.] That is, until she finds herself cornered between the men who killed her mother and a five-hundred-foot drop. Rather than facing the killers’ dark plans for her, Alice jumps. [Well, THAT is a great hook.]
Instead of falling to her death, Alice wakes up in the middle of a blood-soaked battlefield, where men in metal armour are slaughtering peasants. [Is there a reason for spelling armour that way?] Alice flees from the battle and encounters an old seer, who believes Alice is destined to save this world from the evil queen and the tyranny of her army. [This is definitely getting into the story here, but I have no idea how Alice reacted to this CRAZY SITUATION. First, she thought she jumped to her death, and now she woke up in a battlefield? I think anyone would be freaking out. I would apply some emotion here. Also, how did she find the seer?]
Refusing to believe she can save anyone, Alice sets out on a journey to find a witch with the power to return her to her world. To protect herself from marauders preying on women, Alice disguises herself as a man. [Is she wearing jeans? I assume she’s a contemporary girl dropped into the medieval world. Is that how she’s man-like? Also, we’ve got a battlefield (between who), a seer, a witch, and now marauders preying on women. What is going on here? I think I need some world building information.] Aided by a gorgeous runaway slave and a physician, Alice must survive the ongoing war between the evil queen and the rebels—even if it means killing people to get home. [Is the queen the witch? Just taking a stab here. I’m wondering too if this battle between the queen and the rebels should be described earlier. I realize Alice wouldn’t know what’s going on, but I think we need to know in the query.
Also, where did the runaway slave and physician come from? What do they have to do with Alice?]
BLOOD REIGN is my debut novel. Complete at 76,000 words, it works well as a standalone and also has a series potential. I hope it would appeal to fans of the Alanna series by Tamora Pierce. [Good reference here!]
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
[I like elements of this, but I think you should hammer what’s unique about the story. Alice thinking she jumped to her death only to wake up in this world is DEFINITELY a hook and is what I remember. But the rest of it seems very fantasy-esque, with a prophecy and all of that. Even if a prophecy is in the story, you could merely focus on how she’s setting off on this journey with the physician and runaway slave, dodging the marauders and searching for a witch to send her home — while others think she’s their only hope of saving the world. Love the concept!]
I really enjoyed this query. I love Alice in Wonderland retellings, and the darker they are, the better.
ReplyDeleteThis query started out with a real bang for me, but I agree that it sort of fizzled at the end. "Alice must survive" makes her seem passive. Surviving is a very passive thing for a MC to do. I'll bet Alice is doing some fighting and killing too, not just sneaking by.
I love the hook! Immediately you get a sense of Alice in Wonderland in a dark, twisty way. But I don't really see the Oz reference, unless you mean the witch. I would reword "flee from the battle," as YA MCs seem to be more the butt-kicking heroine type these days and not the "fleeing" kind. Perhaps you could say she's not a hero, she's just a girl who wants to get home (reluctant heroes are my favorite kind!), and plus, she's just been transported to this land and has no loyalty to either side, so she's not exactly compelled to fight for either cause until blank blank (that way we can see her personal journey to why she decides to fight in the end). Also, did the seer tell her to go find the witch? Wasn't really clear. And I agree with Michelle that "gorgeous runaway slave and a physician" doesn't really tell us much. Why do we care about the physician? How did she even meet him? Maybe cut him out of the query?
ReplyDeleteAnd reword the sentence for a more active phrase: "Rather than face (vs. facing) the killers’ dark plans for her, Alice jumps."
Love the title!
I like the premise, but Alice in Wonderland and Wizard of Oz are both exceedingly popular classics, which might make some agents automatically wary of the combination in a query. And they're both portal fantasies, so I don't get much variety when I combine them in my head. (Reading through the other comments, I see Rena says this point better.)
ReplyDeleteWord-wise, I can see this is a concise query. I get some good general stakes and I don't think they're forced in, but I would like to see more details. Take whatever you want from this, but I thought I heard quite a strong voice in the original query, but was turned off by Michelle's additions. I guess it depends on the POV and whether the story itself is dark and poignant or sly and snarky (I find that snark tends to lighten stories, but that might just be in the way I use it).
'Men in metal armour'? Yeah, I get you mean not-modern-day (I'm the daughter of an army colonel, so I know all about that armour), but I think you can take the metal out and the meaning stays, since the phrase is quite a known one to mean knights-of-old.
There is definitely a lot of disagreement at whether one should mention debut novel status or not. Personally, I'd say you can remove it. If an agent really wants something (I read an interview where one agent encouraged debut authors to say a sentence or two about what inspired the book; I believe the general gist, however, is don't go crazy) personal to you, then they probably won't mind blogs or online presence being mentioned.
Hmm, I probably haven't been very helpful here, but my main concern would be originality. What makes this more than the usual journey to get home by girl-disguising-as-boy? I agree that the final sentence needs 'something' to make it really killer.
It might be useful to play up how Alice killing people presents a dilemma for her (if it does in the story). Does she wonder if she is any better than the men who killed her mother? That is what this query is missing for me - what choice does Alice make, and how is it difficult? Choosing to save herself vs save Wonderland is not much of a choice unless saving Wonderland has high costs for her - danger, death, etc. That's fine, and it's a pretty standard hero choice. Sacrificing one's moral integrity is more interesting, though less explosive.
ReplyDeleteIf Alice *does* have to sacrifice herself for Wonderland, I'd love to see a callback to the suicidal hook in the query. "Maybe Alice is more suicidal than she thought." Otherwise, though it is pithy, that first line is more flash than substance.
Love the hook! It would be nice to tie that in later ate the end maybe? What happens to her when she gets home? Not that you should answer that here, but it would be nice to hear that as a story question.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it does feel like we lose a bit of Alice along the way. I get a great sense of the action and conflict, but her voice and who she is gets a bit lost in the details. What's her emotional tie-in to all of this chaos?
Turns out this has just snagged a place on a Nest Pitch team. Well done! I really like your pitch, and I think that's down mostly to the word-count limit. The pitch gets to the raw details whereas the query is more of a synopsis, and whilst I didn't find that too problematic when I read it, some might get lost on excess in general.
ReplyDeleteMy favourite pitch part was that about "her awakening bloodlust." There's possibly not enough internal design in your query body. I'd also possibly add in a hint of that "forced to dress as a man," to suggest more of her personality that maybe she'd prefer to be an empowering female.
My cross-thoughts may be a bit random, but I hope they help at least a little! Well done again for Nest Pitch.
I try not to read the other comments before writing my own, so there might be some repetition here.
ReplyDeleteLOVE the first paragraph (17-year-old Alice...). Presenting the MC and...action!
From "Refusing to believe" on, it starts sounding too much like a synopsis (I'm guilty of similar mistakes). Don't bother with too much detail. Stakes, obstacle, antagonist, love interest if applicable and you're done.
One small thing that bothered me a bit is that you keep repeating her name very often. An occasional "she" instead of "Alice", maybe?
Hope any of that helps. Good luck!