Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Spring Query Extravaganza #6

It's here!! I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques in the next few weeks to celebrate spring. Right now I have no spots open. Keep watching and it's likely I'll reopen near the end of the month. 

Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward. If I notice someone not leaving comments, their query will get skipped.

Now to the fine print:

All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.

As sent to me:



In Nyarteme, a world ruled by Muses and Artists, art is both beautiful and deadly. Words can cut you, songs can control you, and a play can imprison you forever.

But Merrick is no Artist. He is only a carnival man, blessed with nothing but a perfect memory and thieving fingers. His life is simple, safe, and artless - until he is forced to steal one of the mirrored masks of Propa, Muse of Acting. Within days, he is in the city of Syduire, seated at Propa's play, the mask within reach.

Then his childhood love Eanna puts it on. 

Her eyes darken. Her hands extend. And with only a mirror for a face, she begins to strangle him.

He rips the mask away, but it is a temporary reprieve. Every day, the mask returns, and every day, the real Eanna slips farther away. An actress of Propa has taken her place, intent on creating the performance of a lifetime - with someone else's life. She knows every look and every lie that can hurt Merrick the most, and she will stop at nothing to return the mask to her Muse. Not even murder.

And she is not the only one who wants the mask. Merrick soon learns what he really stole - the first weapon in a war between the Muses themselves. Pursued on all sides with Eanna's time running out, Merrick scours the artistic world for a way to save her. His perfect memory may hold the key, but the difference between knowing someone and merely remembering them is greater than he imagines.

Artists of the Body is a literary high fantasy combining the style of Name of the Wind with the unique world-building of Brent Weeks' Lightbringer trilogy. It is complete at 125,000 words. Though it is a standalone novel, it is also the first in a series, and subsequent books are underway.

With my crazy comments:


Merrick lives In Nyarteme, a world ruled by Muses and Artists, where art is both beautiful and deadly. Words can cut you, songs can control you, and a play can imprison you forever. (I'm not sure if this is figuratively or literally. Do you mean art can get you in trouble with the government, or some kind of magic is at work?)

But Merrick is no Artist.(And we get to the MC. Ideally you want to lead with the MC and not the worldbuilding. See if you can't weave Merrick into the first paragraph. I made a rough attempt above. Then you can add this first sentence to the 1st paragraph and it can be a small hook.) He is only(I'd cut 'only') a carnival man, blessed with nothing but a perfect memory and thieving fingers.(hardly nothing) His life is simple, safe, and artless - until he is forced to steal one of the mirrored masks of Propa, Muse of Acting.(Why? Why he is forced to steal would be his motivation. We want to see his motivation. It's what moved him to act. Are they treatening to kill his love? Does he need the money?) Within days, he is in the city of Syduire, seated at Propa's play, the mask within reach. (This is a minor detail we don't need to know.)

Then his childhood love Eanna puts it on. 

Her eyes darken. Her hands extend. And with only a mirror for a face, she begins to strangle him. (You've slipped into writing mode instead of query mode. You aren't describing the book anymore. You're reliving it. Try something like: Then his childhood love Eanna beats him too it, puts it on and becomes a killer, attempting to strangle him.)

He rips the mask away, but it is a temporary reprieve. Every day, the mask returns, and every day, the real Eanna slips farther away. An actress of Propa has taken her place, intent on creating the performance of a lifetime - with someone else's life. She knows every look and every lie that can hurt Merrick the most, and she will stop at nothing to return the mask to her Muse. Not even murder. (Your focus is wandering. Decide what is important. Merrick stealing the mask is not the plot. Trying to get it away from his girlfriend seems to be the plot. The query is about 50 words over the average length. Keeping the focus honed in will help with the length. Distill it down.)

And she is not the only one who wants the mask. Merrick soon learns what he really stole - the first weapon in a war between the Muses themselves.(Good. This ups the stakes.) Pursued on all sides with Eanna's time running out, Merrick scours the artistic world for a way to save her. His perfect memory may hold the key(I like this aspect. It's unique. Don't be afraid to play it up and maybe even add how it can save them.), but the difference between knowing someone and merely remembering them is greater than he imagines. ((That last part is very vague. I don't know what it means, which makes it fall flat as a stake.) And same here with the distilling. Agents want to see that you can condense and get to the heart of the plot. Something like this:


Merrick lives in Nyarteme, a world ruled by Muses and Artists, where art is both beautiful and deadly. Thanks to magic, words can cut you, songs can control you, and a play can imprison you forever. But Merrick is no artist.

He's a carnival man who happens to be blessed with perfect memory and thieving fingers. When his grandmother is kidnapped, he’s forced to steal one of the mirrored masks of Propa, Muse of Acting. He succeeds only for his childhood love Eanna to don the mask and become a killer.

Before she can strangle him, Merrick rips the mask away, but every day it returns. Knowing each look and lie to hurt Merrick, Eanna will stop at nothing to return the mask to her Muse (and what?) and put the power to blankblank in the goddess' hands.

Others also seek the mask. It’s the first weapon in a war between the Muses themselves that can grant (blank). Merrick’s perfect memory may hold the key to saving Eanna and humanity or (bad thing that will happen).  

Artists of the Body is a literary high fantasy combining the style of Name of the Wind(One of my favorites) with the unique world-building of Brent Weeks' Lightbringer trilogy. (All very long works. But it's usual for a debut author to get this word count.) It is complete at 125,000 words.(Maybe just a touch high for high/epic fantasy.) Though it is a standalone novel, it is also the first in a series, and subsequent books are underway. (A standalone novel, it also has series potential. or A standalone novel, it is intended as a series.)

Condense. Distill. Trim down to the crucial parts. Tell us what will happen if Merrick fails and what power the mask can grant.

8 comments:

  1. I've seen this query before. Though I do think it's come a long way, Michelle is correct in saying that about halfway through it goes from query mode to synopsis mode. Seemed like the middle paragraphs could be condensed into one or two blanket sentences without all the minute details that didn't seem important to the overall plot. I'm sure they ARE important, they just don't belong in a query.

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  2. Excellent opening paragraph! I agree with Michelle that adding how (magic or elements or whatever) will strengthen the world building in this first paragraph. In the second paragraph I wanted to know what forces Merrick to steal the mask. In the section with Eanna, the shift from query blurb to actual writing threw me off. I really like this concept and the stakes for Merrick seem high and interesting. Good luck with this query!

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  3. A: I really enjoy the concept presented here. I think you are on to something really big.
    B: I think your query wanders, losing focus, and that waters down some of the potential.

    I Love Love LOVE the idea, but the slip up in the middle drives me out of it (and by slip up, I mean the spot where Michelle says you swapped into writing mode). The problem is that it's a plot gap as well. We really need to know why Merrick is stealing the mask. If he is close enough for his girlfriend to get the mask, why doesn't he just take it from her. Did he bring her with him when he stole it? was he trying to steal it from her? Was she the one who had it and he didn't know about it? This is the problem with the query format, it is its own story, and it has to make sense inside the confines of the query. When you have a vague area or a plot hole issue, it sends your readers out.

    Admittedly, if I saw this in the store, I would definitely breeze through a couple early pages, but I'd have been warned that it might be hard to follow (because the query/cover copy was hard to follow), and I just don't buy books that make me work that hard (I'm lazy).

    Clear up the motivation, paint us a picture. I know your query is a little long, but even the Great Shark Herself (aka Janet Reid) doesn't mind a slightly longer query in the name of clarity (though I suspect you can trim this up, clear up the stumbles and go right back to knocking people's socks off).

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  4. I like this! Actually, I disagree that you should start with Merrick; I like how atmospheric you bring in the world. Sorry if that complicates! Maybe you could weave the first paragraph into the second but still keep the atmospheric feel?

    I love the active phrases in paragraph four, but I've had people tell me to cut simply creative sentences from my query, so, if you needed to shorten (I'd say this query probably does need a little more condensing), start here. 'With only a mirror for a face...' etc.

    I'm a little confused how Eanna gets the mask. Is she one of the actresses? Is she helping the theft? It's probably not important, but, personally, I want more of an involvement of Eanna from the off.

    And, yeah, I'd probably cut most of paragraph five, and lift the vital info into stakes from it. Generally, I want to know what are the exact stakes. Saving Eanna - from the mask's tainting power or murder or the people after her? Stopping the war? Both? Just needs a bit more specifics.

    If 'Artists of the Body' is the name of the novel, I think it's meant to be in caps when you mention it. Sounds like an intriguing story, if a little long for my personal liking! :)

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  5. I try to read these before I read the comments, but I might be way off base. I love-love the concept of this!

    In Nyarteme, a world ruled by Muses and Artists, art is both beautiful and deadly. Words can cut you, songs can control you, and a play can imprison you forever. [[This is interesting world building.]]

    But Merrick is no Artist. He is only a carnival man, blessed with nothing but a perfect memory and thieving fingers. His life is simple, safe, and artless - until he is forced [[passive. Forced by whom?]] to steal one of the mirrored masks of Propa, Muse of Acting. Within days, he is in the city of Syduire, seated at Propa's play, the mask within reach. [[I want to know why his safe life has been disrupted with this mission to take the mask. Also, isn’t everything art? Even the art of theft?]]

    Then his childhood love Eanna puts it on. [[Twist! Nice.]]

    Her eyes darken. Her hands extend. And with only a mirror for a face, she begins to strangle him. [[Wait, what? I thought he was at a play. Is she strangling him in front of an audience?]]

    He rips the mask away, but it is a temporary reprieve. Every day, the mask returns [[So he stole it and it goes back? Huh?]], and every day, the real Eanna slips farther away. [[Love the idea of this!]] An actress of Propa has taken her place, intent on creating the performance of a lifetime - with someone else's life. [[This confuses me. Has she possessed Eanna’s body? Or is she like an alternate actress?]] She knows every look and every lie that can hurt Merrick the most, and she will stop at nothing to return the mask to her Muse. Not even murder. [[If she wants to return the mask to the Muse, why have a performance? Wouldn’t she just take it and run?]]

    And she is not the only one who wants the mask. Merrick soon learns what he really stole - the first weapon in a war between the Muses themselves. [[Interesting, but I have questions. Did the Muse have an Artist craft this weapon? Who was the Artist? Why is it being used in a play?]] Pursued on all sides with Eanna's time running out, Merrick scours the artistic world for a way to save her. His perfect memory may hold the key, but the difference between knowing someone and merely remembering them is greater than he imagines. [[LOVE this! Love the difference between knowing and remembering.]]

    Artists of the Body is a literary high fantasy combining the style of Name of the Wind with the unique world-building of Brent Weeks' Lightbringer trilogy. It is complete at 125,000 words. Though it is a standalone novel, it is also the first in a series, and subsequent books are underway. [[Very intriguing stuff. I just want to know more about the rules between artists and muses.]]

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  6. I like the first sentence--it has an almost otherworldly world building feel to it, if that makes any sense.

    "But Merrick is no Artist."--is he a Muse then? Are there more than 2 different types of people in this world, or are they divided strictly into Artist and Muse? Who forced him to steal the mask?

    "Within days, he is in the city of Syduire, seated at Propa's play, the mask within reach." is a little passive. Perhaps something like "He travels to the city of Syduire..." or "He infiltrates Propa's inner circle and the mask is almost within reach."

    "Then his childhood love Eanna puts it on." How did Eanna get the mask? How did she manage to beat him to it? Why would she put it on?

    The next paragraph "Her eyes darken. Her hands extend..." had me confused. It sounds like something straight out of the book, like I was reading your book instead of a query.

    How does the mask return onto Eanna's face? And if Eanna has the mask, then who is this actress who takes her place? Where does Eanna go?

    The concept is awesome. "The real Eanna slips away" really hones it home what the stakes are if he doesn't save her in time.

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  7. I love the concept of this world. Love it. I don't have much to add, mostly I would reiterate the confusion in the middle, when it sounds like you break off into describing a scene/moment in the story. And I agree that you can start with Merrick, keep the focus on him from the beginning, and still get the uniqueness of this world across.


    "His perfect memory may hold the key, but the difference between knowing someone and merely remembering them is greater than he imagines."
    That sentence lost me. Instead, use the last line to deliver what's at stake for Merrick. What does he stand to lose? What are the consequences if he fails?

    Tighten this up and the concept here will shine even more!

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  8. I try not to read the comments, so there might be some repetition.
    I agree with Michelle that the MC should be mentioned in the opening paragraph, and I like her suggestion of tacking on “But Merrick is no Artist” there.
    I admit I didn’t stop to wonder why he had to steal the mask (he better have a good motivation, if art is as dangerous as you state at the start!), but when you shift into storytelling mode with “Her eyes darken…” I was thrown out of it. Again, I like Michelle’s suggestion how to get around it.
    The next two paragraphs seems a bit too wordy, but there is important information in there. See how you can distil it, cut it down to the essentials.
    Hope any of this helps. Good luck!

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