Thursday, May 15, 2014

Spring Query Extravaganza #10

It's here!! I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques in the next few weeks to celebrate spring. Right now I have no spots open. If you'd like to polish your query, I have an editing service. Contact me through the twitter or the contact form on this blog. Query critiques are on sale for $20, payable through PayPal, and include two revisions. 

Participants must comment on other Spring Query entries to pay it forward. If I notice someone not leaving comments, their query will get skipped.

Now to the fine print:

All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees. Plus, you know, I'm leaving pink comments in celebration of spring so you have to be able to tolerate pink.

As sent to me:



Dear [Agent’s Name]: 

According to [my research], you represent fantasy novels. My epic fantasy novel, ADAMANT: ENEMY OF ELSINAIRE, is complete at 131,000 words. 

In this GRACELING meets GAME OF THRONES epic, the more Ange and Nellwyn Ormonde demand to know why their father banished them, the closer they come to unearthing a secret with the power to ignite a civil war.

Sixteen-year-old Nellwyn worries her younger sister Ange is dying, but as two bastard girls living in near total exile, access to healers is limited. An invitation to a royal gala arrives — along with a revelation: they are legitimate daughters of Melandor Ormonde, the second most powerful man in Elsinaire. Though wary, Nellwyn agrees to attend, if only so City Throne healers can examine Ange.

The world beyond their modest home is not what they expect. Here, a tavernkeep must have a flame license to light his hearth, and a tree is worth more than gold. The King’s torch-lit gala gathers people who want to use the Ormonde girls for their own gains. The spoiled Elsinairian prince wants to marry the beautiful Nellwyn at first sight, and a wealthy seductress decides to manipulate Ange for self-preservation. Meanwhile, a first generation Stalfen slave questions his loyalty to a land he’s never seen, while his fellow slaves plot to take the Ormonde girls hostage. Lastly, a tattooed outlaw lurks amongst the crowd, armed with the mystery behind the Ormonde girls' parentage. But the Ormonde girls do not meet their father; he is absent, and Ange’s health is declining fast. 

What’s worse: the erupting slave revolt and inferno ravaging wood-built City Throne are merely a cover. Someone wants both Ormonde girls silenced, and without the protection of their father, they must rely on the few relationships they formed at the gala. Betrayal follows. A tragic death snaps the branches of power, and the unlikeliest person ascends the throne with a deep-rooted rage destined to change Elsinaire forever.

I have an international M. Phil. degree in Creative Writing from Trinity College Dublin and am a managing editor for nationally distributed medical newsletters. Thank you so much for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you!

With my crazy comments:


Dear [Agent’s Name]: 

According to [my research], you represent fantasy novels. My epic fantasy novel, ADAMANT: ENEMY OF ELSINAIRE, is complete at 131,000 words. High word count even for epic. Make sure the query and first pages are edited for unnecessary wordage.

In this GRACELING meets GAME OF THRONES epic, the more Ange and Nellwyn Ormonde demand to know why their father banished them(How do they speak with him if they are banished?), the closer they come to unearthing a secret with the power to ignite a civil war. Honestly, I fear this doesn't have enough specific details to create interest. We don't yet know any thing about the girls or their country to make us care about either. You might consider skipping this and going straight for the paragraph below. Or trying something more dramatic.

Long before they could walk or talk, Nellwyn and Ange Ormonde were banished to a cold exile. Now they might be able to find out why.

Sixteen-year-old(16? Is this YA then? That makes the word count really too high.)  Nellwyn worries her younger sister Ange is dying(More interesting if we know what she's dying of.) , but as two bastard(Sounds like this is why they got banished.) girls living in near total('Near total' weakens the effect you're trying to create. It robs your sentence of oomph.) exile, access to healers is limited. An invitation to a royal gala arrives(Raising questions: If Ange is sick, how can she go?) — along with a revelation: they are legitimate daughters of Melandor Ormonde, the second most powerful man in Elsinaire.(This raises the question did they even know they were exiled until this point. And if they aren't really bastards, why did you say they were?) Though wary, Nellwyn agrees to attend, if only so City Throne healers can examine Ange. Pare it down just a little.

Kinless and alone, sixteen-year-old Nellwyn lives hand to mouth far from civilization, worrying her younger sister Ange is dying of her cough. Amazingly, an invitation to a royal gala arrives, along with a revelation: they're the legitimate daughters of the second most powerful man in Elsinaire. Distrustful and wary, Nellwyn can't miss this opportunity for City Throne healers to save Ange. 

The world beyond their modest home is not what they expect. Here, a tavernkeep must have a flame license to light his hearth, and a tree is worth more than gold.(Neat, but I'm unsure if this worldbuilding belongs in a query. Maybe start with the girls being used.)  The King’s torch-lit gala gathers people who want to use the Ormonde girls for their own gains. The spoiled Elsinairian prince wants to marry the beautiful(This may backfire because it's cliche. You want to interest because your mc is interesting, not good looking.)  Nellwyn at first sight, and a wealthy seductress decides to manipulate Ange for self-preservation(This second part is too vague to have meaning. It's basically rehashing that people are trying use them.). Meanwhile, a first generation Stalfen slave questions his loyalty to a land he’s never seen(Without reading the story this has no meaning for us.), while his fellow slaves plot to take the Ormonde girls hostage. Lastly, a tattooed outlaw lurks amongst the crowd, armed with the mystery behind the Ormonde girls' parentage(Now this is important but I almost missed it. It blended with the crowd of other facts you threw at us.). But the Ormonde girls do not meet their father; he is absent, and Ange’s health is declining fast. (This sentence is sort of synopsis like.)

Nellwyn is disappoint when no long-lost father appears at the gala to speed them to the healers, just people determined to use the girls. The spoiled Elsinairian prince wants to marry Nellwyn. Rebelling slaves plot to take the Ormonde sisters hostage. With Ange's health declining fast, they bump into a tattooed outlaw lurking in the crowd who may hold the secret to their parentage.

What’s worse: the erupting slave revolt and inferno ravaging wood-built City Throne are merely a cover. Someone wants both Ormonde girls silenced, and without the protection of their father, they must rely on the few relationships they formed at the gala. Betrayal follows. A tragic death snaps the branches of power, and the unlikeliest person ascends the throne with a deep-rooted rage destined to change Elsinaire forever. (This kind of goes all over the place. Keep it tighter in focus. What happened to the tattooed outlaw? Him we want to know more about. What are the stakes? What good outcome does Nellwyn seek? What bad thing will happen if she fails?)

In the cover of the fiery slave revolt, someone tries to silence Nellwyn and does manage to snap the branch of power(only be more specific), putting an unlikely(only be more specific) tyrant on the throne. Now only the tattooed outlaw can reveal their mysterious heritage and save them long enough for a healer to reach Ange. Or he might just turn them over to the tyrant destroying Elsinaire. 

I have an international M. Phil. degree in Creative Writing from Trinity College Dublin and am a managing editor for nationally distributed medical newsletters. Thank you so much for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you! (Good bio. You could cut 'I look forward to hearing from you.')


In spots this query goes all over the place. Keep the end focus on Nellwyn and what she want to happen. Contrast it with the worst that could happen if she fails. Don't forget to get that intriguing figure of the outlaw back and keep Ange's health over our head. 

I remember this also from PitchSlam and it was on my maybe list. I'm a sucker for epic fantasy.  

4 comments:

  1. At first glance, this query, to me, feels on the long side, though that can probably be forgiven because the book itself is long, so is more expected. (possibly...?)

    Anyway, I think you could probably cut the paragraph starting "In this Graceling...". I've never read GRACELING, but I've heard of it, certainly, and I'd personally be wary of having GoT there, too, since it's almost TOO popular at the moment (though, in fairness, this comment is a tad hypocritical, since I compare my novel to two popular TV series). Also, the paragraph feels superfluous to me, almost a theme-dump, which agents tend not to like.

    The paragraph after that I have very little at which to comment, though, at a personal level, I'd quite like to know Ange's symptoms. "When her sister collapses, unable to breathe, Nellwyn," etc. ;) [ETA: I realise Michelle said the same.] Small question, they accept that they're bastards, yet they're suddenly told they're legitimate? That just jars with me on technical terms.

    "The world beyond their modest home is not what they expect." Is this telling? Could it be cut?
    "A tree is worth more than gold" - is this referring to a specific tree? That's what I'm reading from it, though I suspect not. I like the worldbuilding, but I'm biased towards worldbuilding anyway. You'd probably do better following advice to cut it.

    I got a little confused around "generation Stalfen slave" (the words mean nothing to me without prior knowledge), especially with the use of 'meanwhile' (and 'lastly' later) - is it possible to cut/tighten those to sentences for clarity and still keep the sense that the girls' lives are in danger from extra-gala enemies? I'm worried it reads as if you're introducing a new character in the middle of the query.

    Stylistically, I'd cut "what's worse:" and replace it with something simpler, like 'yet' or 'but'. I agree with Michelle that this last paragraph feels too general - it also sends the same stakes as the previous paragraph's ideas that the girls' lived are in danger because of their parentage. I feel "betrayal follows" is particularly telling/general.

    However, I really like the concept of this, and I've little experience with epic fantasies in book-form. I think I remember helping out with the pitch of this during PitchSlam. I definitely understand the story now with the depth you have in your query; it sounds like a great story, and you simply need to lay out its core elements for the query :)

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  2. I'm afraid I know neither of your comps by more than name, so I can't judge how appropriate they are.
    The word count is really high, even for epic fantasy.
    By the paragraph starting with "The world beyond..." you are losing me. Too much is going on, and I'm thoroughly confused. Then in the next paragraph, you add more.
    Stick to the main plot: The girls trying to find their father, and Ange dying seem to be the main points. (And if I got that wrong, it goes to show how confused I am.)
    Don't give too many details. Don't go too far into the story, a query is a teaser.
    Hope any of this helps.
    Good luck!
    Mayken

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  3. Thought it was rather long as well. I'm not great at critiquing queries, but I've seen Matthew at the QQQE site do enough to know it needs work. Your suggestions seem spot on.

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  4. The length makes me nervous, and I do like epic fantasy. It definitely feels long for a YA.

    I lost the main plot line in the middle. To many subplots introduced. Keep it as simple as possible. Don't introduce a ton of side characters or minor villains in the query. Also, I think if you keep the focus on finding the father and saving the sister, that will naturally help focus in on the emotion and stakes for your main character. Best wishes!

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